Author: Noam Jen Nov
E-mail:
Pairing: gen with some G/L.
Rating: G-Pg13 (for violence)
Spoilers: The Uncertainty Principle.
Archive: sure, just let me now.
Summery: When Joan doesn't listen to God, a tragedy force the Girardi's to think some things over.
Disclaimer: Not mine.
Feedback: Do you even need to ask? I want it all- the good and the bad!
Notes: So, this is my first Joan of Arcadia fanfic. I owe a huge thank you to Joanna who betaed this thing for me and helped me a lot. Enjoy…
Prologue:
Free will. You said that I have free will. You merely ask me things and I can choose whether I want to accomplish them or not. You said that, God. I have free will. I have the right to choose.
Is this supposed to be your god-like way to warn me never to disobey you again? You're supposed to be a good God, a merciful God, a loving God. And I'm just me; just little Joan of Arcadia. I have my feeling and wants, and I have fears and parents who care about me and say they don't want me to go to the dance with Ramsey; so I didn't.
I wanted to go with Adam. I wanted to make things right with him after I destroyed his work because You told me to. Yeah God, You told me to smash his art, and I knew what the outcome would be, and I did it anyway. I did that, and every other stupid humiliating task You gave me.
So just for once I wanted to be a normal girl, and have fun, maybe laugh a little about Luke going to the dance with Grace. How was I supposed to know? How, God?
I swear, I swear to you in the name of everything that I cherish, if he doesn't make it through this, and I mean really through this; no wheel chairs, we have enough of that thank you, no complication after his release, no depression, no brain damage… especially not brain damage… I will hunt you down. I don't know if it's possible to do that but I will find a way. I want my brother back God, You hear me? I want that geek-annoying- science -freak brother of mine back the same way he was…
I want my brother.
"So…you and my brother." Joan said, not trying very hard to hide the surprise in her voice, "What's up with that?"
"It's all Friedman's stupid fault." Grace closed her locker and started stalking toward AP chem.
"I don't understand" Joan followed her "Did Friedman forced you and lock lips with Luke. My brother Luke?"
"I know he's you brother Girardi," Grace said shortly, "and I'm disgusted enough myself."
"Then why did you have to kiss him, or agree to go with him?" They walked into the class, and Grace knew no end was in sight, not soon any way.
"I was just using him to prove a point to Friedman after he called me a lesbian. That's all. He got on my nerves and Luke was there and I just…got caught up in the moment." Grace threw her bag to the ground and sat down.
. "It didn't mean anything, can we drop it now?!"
Joan didn't say another word, just sat next to her wondering why Adam's chair was empty.
"So" Grace turned to Joan, finally managing to change the subject, "what's up with you and Adam?" Joan smiled at her, and started spelling out the whole story of how she and Adam finally got back together.
At the same time as they were trying their best not to let Ms. Lischak hear them talk, Ramsey was on his way to school, knowing that this wasn't going to be like all the other days. Today he was not going to be sent to Price's office, he was not going to sit through another class and not understand a thing. He was not going to be a looser any more; he wasn't going to be…
You're going to be okay, you hear me Luke? You have to trust me on this one, cause I've been there you know. I know what it's like to be in a hospital bed, with tubes sticking out from… well, everywhere possible really. You're going to be fine, little brother. There are good doctors here and some good nurses too. Did you see that blonde on the last shift? Maybe I should have been brought here after my accident and had her take care of me; that would have made rehabilitation much easier. But, she's all yours now. I've had my fare share of hospital time; it's your turn so use it wisely… You hear me little brother?
You're going to be fine. Really you are. And hey, if you'll need a wheel chair I can teach you all the tricks I know. We could run over people we don't like and everyone would forgive us because we're cripples. We could also pretend you're that Professor X guy, you know the one in the wheel chair from Star-Trek or something like that. You could be him and I would be… someone not as half smart.
I kind of feel what it was like to be you when I had my accident. You've been… sleeping, for a lack of a better word, for almost an entire day now. You don't even like sleeping. Mom and Dad are doing their best to look as if they're strong but we know better. Joan is finding all the possible ways to blame this on herself. I bet she did that when I had my accident too. Al though, I think it was probably harder in my case. Adam is here too, doing a great job of supporting her, but there a limit to what he can do as well. And Grace is here; she's been here since they brought you. I think she would have jumped into the ambulance if it wasn't going so fast. It could be guilt, but I think she's into you, man. Anyway she hasn't left the hall; neither has Joan. Mom and Dad are taking shifts, mainly because Dad has some paperwork to do about the shooting and Mom has school to take care of. Its better this way I think; she has time to process everything.
I was fine, really I was fine cause I knew you were going to wake up soon and understand all those long big Latin words the doctors are throwing on us and explain them all to me like you did when I was… so yeah I was fine, until they said something about oxygen not getting to your brain. It didn't really mean anything to me until I actually heard the doctor say it. "Brain damage." That's just not fair man. They took my legs and now they wanna take your brain. It's just not fair…
"This is just so not fair!" Grace hissed at Luke as she stepped out of class and nearly closed the door in his face. He had asked her to stay for a moment to let her know he'd be working with Friedman on his science fair project. Luke thought she'd be happy to be let off, after all the murmurs and faces she'd been giving him. He even thought she'd be glad to know they decided to build the rail gun.
"That was my idea Luke! I eyed the rail gun first!" She stopped and slammed her locker open.
"Okay, I'll give you the proper credit." Luke said, hoping to calm her down.
"Credit?! I don't want some stupid credit." Grace slammed her hand against her locker again.
"Credit is a well worth appreciation in the science community and…"
"I don't want credit" Slam! "I waned to build that gun with you!"
"I'm sorry, but with the way you behaved I thought…"
"That's how I behave Luke! That's me." She crossed her hand over her chest and leaned backwards. "If you didn't want someone like that maybe you shouldn't have asked me."
"I'm sorry" Luke answered.
"And Friedman of all people…" Grace paid little to no attention to his apology "You dump me, to work with Friedman?!"
"I'm sorry" Luke was less sincere than before "I guess I just got caught up in the moment."
Grace laid her head back, and looked up.
"Using electromagnetic currents to shoot stuff is fun."
Luke spoke softly to her "I promise, next time."
I promise to listen next time you'll talk. And I promise to give all the attention I can. I won't compare you to Kevin anymore, or act like you're not a man because you're not like me.
But, the thing is, where it really matters you are like me. You're brave, and you're honest, and you're a good caring man. You're my son, and I love you, your Mom loves you too, more than you can imagine.
And I promise to never let you feel unloved again, just hold on and fight; I know you can do it, just be the brave man I brought you up to be and come back to us, please Luke.
"Please Luke, I don't need that." Grace started walking away.
"Grace, wait." Luke reached his hand to stop her
"Get off me, freak!" Grace pushed Luke away. He hit a ninth-grader holding a flute. He knocked her to the ground and they both hit the floor with a deafening bang.
It took everyone a moment of wide eyed surprise before they noticed Ramsey standing in the hallway with a gun.
Screams were coming from everywhere around Luke, he looked at the girl he had hit. She was lying motionless, staring at him with dead eyes, blood pooling around her head from a massive gunshot wound.
Everything froze around him, students everywhere, screaming without voices, running away from Ramsey, who was standing, holding a gun, pointing it at Grace.
At Grace.
He tried to shout to her, but his voice had failed. He tried to get up, but couldn't find the power in him. There was something in his chest, in his heart. Then he felt it again, the exact same thing. Only this time it was his lower back. And it wasn't pain, not exactly. It was…
It was so scary Luke. I was scared. I was petrified. I heard the gunshots from my office and as I run to the hall you were lying there… My baby boy was lying on the floor of my working place bleeding from a gunshot wound to his heart; my little baby boy.
And all I could think of was, did I tell you I love you that morning, or the fact that I didn't listen to your problem with the science fair. You father told you we love you, and I'll tell you as well. I love you. We all love you. It just that… You're so quiet Luke. You give us so much peace of mind it's so easy to forget you're also growing up, that you too have problems.
We won't forget anymore Luke. You shouldn't have had to be shot for us to see that but maybe this is just God's way of telling us that you need us as well.
I know God won't let us down now, he can't. He'll bring you back to us as good as new, maybe even better. So there's really nothing to be scared off, you're going to be fine.
"Luke, you're going to be fine."
"The ambulance is on the way."
"Hold on"
There were people surrounding him.
He couldn't see them, but he could make out the voices.
Him Mom was there, and he thought he heard Glynis sobbing somewhere.
"Is everyone okay?" he mouthed out softly "was anyone hit?"
"We're all fine." They answered together.
He could now tell Joan was there too; he imagined she cried a bit herself. And Adam was there, and Friedman.
They were all fine, but there was one voice he was missing.
"What about… Where's…" He tried to ask
"Don't talk, save your strength." His mom said, while sirens were crying in the back.
"Grace…" he cried out, but his voice was gone, and his eyes had shut.
Luke opened his eyes to the darkness of his hospital room. In front of him Joan was asleep on a couch, holding Adam's hand, who was just as deeply asleep as she was. He tried to look to his side but as he turned, he felt a sharp pain in his ribs.
He twisted in his bed, causing a noise, which woke Joan from her sleep. He tried to call her, but something down his throat had kept his voice from coming out.
"Oh my God!" Joan finally said and got up. "Luke!" She screamed in joy, and woke up Adam. She told him to go get the doctor, fast. "It's great to see you man." Adam said and walked out.
He retuned a second later, with what appeared to be the doctor. "Your parents are on the way." he said to Joan, while the doctor checked Luke.
"Okay Luke" said the Doctor "You ready to speak?" with that he pulled out the tub that was down Luke's throat, Luke coughed as his parents walked in, followed by Kevin. His mother ran to him and hugged him tight.
"Mr. and Mrs. Girardi." The doctor said after a few moments "May I speak to you out side."
"Sure" Said Will. Helen kissed her son's head and stepped out after her husband.
"You've made it!" Kevin said as his parents left the room.
"Yeah" Luke answered.
"How do you feel?" Joan asked and set down next to Adam on the couch.
"I don't know… how long have I been here?"
"4 days." Grace answered.
"And all this time I've been sleeping?"
Kevin looked down and smiled, so did Joan and Adam.
"You can rest assured, there's no brain damage." The doctor informed Luke's worried parents. "But it's too soon to know about his back injury, we'll have to check again when the swelling goes down." The parents thanked the doctor who left to complete his rounds, promising to check back with Luke in a few hours
A few hours later Luke opened his eyes again, this time only Joan was present. "Hey" he said, bringing her back from her daydream.
"Hey." She answered back "How're you feeling?"
"Okay, I guess." Luke said, getting up.
"Do you want water, or something to eat?"
"No I…"
"Do you want me to get the doctor?"
"No." Luke stopped her bubbling. "No. I just…" Luke paused for a moment. "You didn't answer my question before, or yesterday."
"I don't think I should…" Joan answered him.
"Joan, I'm fine. No brain damage, maybe my legs are gone. Just please tell me."
And Joan did.
"Price is dead." She started "He got 4 bullets in him. Also Mr. Harvey, and Ms Schmidt. They were all in the cafeteria as well as Down and Henry and Carol from 12th. Andrew Bayer, I don't know if you knew him but he was in my French class and he showed me the school when we first arrived. There are more, I just don't remember the names. We didn't really know them. And also Laura Eason, the girl you crashed into when Grace pushed you…" A tear was running down Joan's cheek.
"Grace…" Luke asked, afraid of what might be the answer "Is she…? I mean I saw Ramsey aiming the gun at her…"
"She's…" Joan was about to answer, but someone behind her already spoke.
"She's fine, geek."
Luke looked up to see Grace standing at the entrance to his room.
"Ramsey heard the sirens and wisely decided to spend his last bullet on himself instead of me." She walked inside and came to sit next to Luke's bad.
"Hey Grace." Luke said, a foolish smile on his face.
"Hey Luke." She answered with a quiet smile.
"I'm… I'm gonna get a soda." Joan said quietly and stepped out.
"Hey." Luke said again. There was an awkward silence. Luke reached out his hand and Grace took it. "I'm gonna sleep for a while." He informed her "The swelling in my head is causing… something. I didn't really listen. But there's no brain damage so that's good. I can't feel my legs though, so from now on I have a perfectly good excuse for not being a jockey." Grace laughed.
"Go to sleep" she ordered him, and he gladly obeyed.
Epilogue
You're asleep now. Looking like an angel. Joan hasn't come back yet, I don't know if that was intended or not. I came as fast as I could the minute I heard you were fine.
In a way, you're lucky you're here and not at school. Everything is filled with flowers and cards and those teddy bears. Half the people say at least Ramsey is dead as well and the other half says he's a victim of the system, you're probably sure I agree with the last one, but I don't know…
They brought all those ridiculous shrinks to school who told us this wasn't our fault. No matter what you told them, you could tell them you're happy Price is dead and they would still answer like some robot- 'this wasn't your fault.'
That's way I refused to talk to them, because this is my fault. I pushed you and that's what got you shot. And after you were shot, I just stood there and did nothing. Everything was happening so fast, and then it all slowed down and all I could see was Ramsey aiming at me. And maybe I didn't care anymore. I thought you died, Luke. I thought you died and the last thing I told you was "Get off me, freak." I didn't even called you geek the last time I saw you, I love calling you geek.
You're probably getting board of everyone telling you that. That it's their fault, and that they should have told you they love you or something like that. But there's something I know that all those shrinks probably don't- it's easier to think I can control this. I don't want to think you could have been dead and there was nothing I could have done. So… I blame myself; it's easier that way.
I brought you some books, and your glasses- they fell down when I pushed you. Also there's everything you've missed in AP chem. You don't really need it; you probably already know it all but Ms Lischak insisted. She's really lost without her pet student. I'm kinda lost too.
So visiting hours is almost over, and I have to go because I'm not family. I'll see you tomorrow.
I love you; I'll say that to your face one day when you're better. You have a wonderful family; they'll be strong, let yourself be a little needier in the nearer future.
Don't die on me, on us. And don't scare us again like that or I'll kill you myself.
Also, I started working on the rail gun for the fair; Adam and Joan are helping. I hope you'll be well enough to come and see it.
Don't worry. We'll give you the proper credit.