'You and Hermione will be together over my dead body, Malfoy!'

'As you wish, Potter!'

It's Raining Boys!

Quidditch time! Gryffindor versus Slytherin. Or was it more like Harry versus Malfoy? Lee Jordan's voice boomed out over the crowd...

'And here we are again for another ripping Quidditch match! First game of the season! Hold onto your wands because it's Gryffindor against Slytherin folks, the two greatest rivals in Hogwarts history! What will the turn out be? Will Gryffindor reduce Slytherin to a pile of dragon dung? Or will they shove those Bludgers right up their stinking - '

'JORDAN!'

'Sorry Professor McGonagall! Got a little excited...'

Hermione and Ron sat together in the front row of the Gryffindor stand. Hermione was feeling excited for the first time in days.

'I can't wait for this match. Gryffindor's sure to win!'

'Yeah, I'll bet,' said Ron lowly. He'd been oddly waspish since leaving the castle. 'As long as Harry doesn't fly over here to kiss your feet or conjure up more flowers, I'm sure we'll do just fine!'

Hermione scowled at him.

'Ron, don't even joke about something like that!' she said in a touchy voice, and turned away so he wouldn't catch her blush. While facing the other direction, Hermione spotted Ginny weaving towards them through the crowd - and rather forcefully so.

'Where's Ron?' she said on arrival, in an accusing sort of way. Hermione blinked at her.

'Right next to me Ginny, can't you see...' But as Hermione turned to towards Ron, she was shocked to find no one was there. 'Funny, he was here a minute ago...'

Ginny stamped her foot angrily and huffed, before roving her eyes wildly across the crowd.

'Ginny, are you all right?' Hermione asked apprehensively.

'I have to see Ron! Where is he Hermione?' she demanded, accusingly again, as if Hermione were hiding him under her seat.

'He was right here, honestly...' said Hermione, gesturing to where Ron had been. 'I don't know where he's gone.'

'Fine!' Ginny snapped. 'If he comes back, tell me. I have to see him!'

And she hurried off, frantic to say the least. Meanwhile, the Quidditch players had mounted their brooms.

'Remember you lot, play fair!' said Madame Hooch, standing between the opposing teams; but by the way Harry and Malfoy were staring at each other, playing fair wasn't likely to be on the cards. In fact, they both had a few tricks up their sleeves. Literally.

Madam Hooch blew her whistle.

'And they're OFF!' announced Jordan. 'And Katie Bell has the Quaffle, she dodges Flint, yes...YES! Gryffindor scores first! Eat dirt Slytherin, you pack of nasty bug - '

'JORDAN!'

While Jordan continued to call the match in his usual biased way (much to Professor McGonagall's displeasure), Harry and Malfoy sought out the Snitch. Malfoy took a moment to soar over to Harry, and yelled, 'you know, when this is all over, and Hermione and I are together, don't be too disappointed. You still have good old Weasley! I'm sure he won't mind going out with you.'

Harry sneered. 'You and Hermione will be together over my dead body, Malfoy!'

'As you wish, Potter!'

And then they saw it, darting back and forth up ahead. The golden Snitch! The key to Hermione's heart! Like bullets, they charged, Harry in the lead. He leant down on his Firebolt, urging it faster, drew out his arm, opened his hand wide, his fingers inches away. Harry was going to catch the Snitch, and it was only five minutes into the game! Jordan was having a hernia. But then...

'Not so fast, Potter!'

Malfoy had his wand! He'd slipped it out from under the sleeve of his Quidditch robes, pointed it at Harry's head and yelled, 'Reducto!' Harry had to dive to escape the blast.

Jordan was on his feet, as was the rest of stadium. 'THE SLYTHERIN SEEKER HAS A WAND!' he hollered in outrage. 'And he just tried to blow up Harry Potter! That malignant, cheating BAST - '

'Jordan, don't make me tell you again!' Professor McGonagall warned.

'But Professor, you're not allowed to bring wands onto the Quidditch field! It's illegal!'

This was certainly true. The whole crowd (except Slytherin) started booing and hurling abuse. But then, to everyone's complete shock, Harry had brought his wand onto the field illegally too!

'Incendio!' Harry shouted, aiming at Malfoy. A shot of fire burst forth, Malfoy swerving out of the way just in time.

'That's it Harry, fry him!' cried Jordan zealously, a triumphant fist in the air. 'Knock him out! BURN HIM TO TOAST!'

Extremely tight-lipped, Professor McGonagall wrenched the loud speaker out of Jordan's grasp and took over.

'POTTER! Jordan, let go! MALFOY!' she commanded in her best strict voice. 'FLY DOWN IMMEDIATELY! YOU'RE BOTH DISQUALIFIED!'

But Harry and Malfoy did not fly down. Flashes of light zigzagged across the sky like fireworks. It looked as though neither was going to give in until the other ended up dead! The crowd was in an uproar. Madame Hooch was waving her arms maddeningly, blowing her whistle dry.

'Reducto!'

'Incendio!'

'Reducto!'

'Incendio!'

Hermione was jumping on her seat, shouting herself hoarse. 'NO! SOMEBODY STOP THEM! THEY'RE TRYING TO KILL EACH OTHER!'

'I don't think they'll be coming down any time soon.'

Hermione's eyes shot to the seat next to her. It was Ron.

'Ron! Where have you been?' she said, hopping to the ground.

'Er...toilet,' he said after a moments contemplation. 'Never mind that now. Hermione, you've got to do something!' He was pointing up at the sky, up towards Harry and Malfoy.

'Me? Why me?'

'Because it's your love potion that's done this! I thought Harry's flower spell was bad, but really, this is too much now!'

Ron was right. Hermione knew this was all her doing. It was time to turn herself in, even if it meant expulsion. She was just about to walk over to Professor McGonagall, when something new appeared in the sky...

'What the hell...' was Ron's assessment.

The crowd's attention deviated from the Harry and Malfoy war to what looked to be a giant, flying...well, a giant flying something! Whatever it was, it was black, horned, cloven-footed, and sporting an enormous pair of bat wings.

'It's a, it's a - '

'It's a volucris bovine!' said Hermione, sounding both terrified and fascinated.

'A volscrewy whatta?'

'A flying ox!' Hermione clarified. 'Hagrid taught us all about them in one of his classes, don't you remember anything? They come from Bulgaria!'

'Yeah? Well last time I checked, Hermione, Hogwarts isn't in Bulgaria! So what's it doing here?'

'I don't know, Ron, I haven't conversed with the flying oxen in a while so I couldn't tell you!'

And then, a thought suddenly occurred to them both. But no, it couldn't be. Could it? Hermione and Ron turned to one another in fear. 'Krum...?'

It was indeed, Krum. Hermione just caught sight of him riding the ox's back.

'So that's why he stopped sending me letters in the end. He was too busy travelling here!'

Ron looked sick. 'I think I prefer the letters to this...hang on, what's he...? HE'S COMING STRAIGHT FOR US!'

Krum guided the ox to the Gryffindor stand, aiming straight for Hermione! Ron yelled at her, 'HERMIONE, RUN!'

But it was too late. Krum swooped down, kidnapped a screaming Hermione, and rose back up into the air. Ron, who had tried to pull Hermione back on the impact, was instead lifted into the air as well.

Meanwhile, not too far away, Harry and Malfoy stopped trying to strike each other.


Proposals

With Hermione thrown clumsily over his shoulder, Krum steered the ox towards a large patch of grass, far outside the Quidditch field. Hermione kicked and screamed with zest. 'KRUM! THIS IS SO RECKLESS, PUT ME DOWN THIS INSTANT!'

Ron, who'd slipped down the ox's back and was now holding onto its tail for dear life, shouted a multitude of profanities. 'PUT US DOWN KRUM! YOU GIGANTIC KNOB! YOU INSANE GIT! KRUUUUUUM!'

Krum's head spun around to Ron, his thick eyebrows narrowing at the sight of him. 'Vot are you doing? You're not suppose to be here!'

'Funny, I was just about to say the same thing about you!' yelled Ron, edging his way up the ox's tail.

The ox descended, eventually landing on the grass below. Krum de-mounted, holding Hermione with him, and then placed her neatly on her feet. Ron's landing was far less graceful. He'd fallen somewhere underneath the back of the ox's hind legs, and appeared to be stuck. 'Yuck! It fully stinks under this thing! Agh! It's trying to sit on me - OUCH!'

Krum ignored Ron completely, preferring to gaze at Hermione. 'Hermowninny,' he said in his deep voice, taking her hand, 'I have something I vant to tell you...'

Finally, Ron managed to heave himself out. Covered in dirt and smelling strongly of cow, he rounded on Krum.

'Yeah, yeah, yeah, we know! "I love you, Hermione!" I heard it about ten times this week!'

Despite Ron's protests, and the foul smell he was emitting, Krum stayed focused on Hermione. 'Hermowninny knows I love her, but that vas not vot I vas going to say...'

Hermione felt it time to speak.

'Viktor, listen! It's really sweet of you to come all this way to see me, but if I were you, I'd turn around and go straight home!'

'Yes, and you vill come vith me,' said Krum with an air of finality. 'Right after ve are married.'

'Oh, please!' cried Ron, exasperated. 'Hermione doesn't want to be Mrs Krummy!'

Krum was unable to avoid Ron any longer. 'You stay avay from me and Hermowninny!'

'The hell I will!' said Ron, chest rising. 'And her name's H-e-r-m-i-o-n-e, you brainless git!'

As if this scene couldn't get any more chaotic, Harry and Malfoy landed into the middle of things. Having seen the flying ox carry Hermione away, they'd chased after it on their broomsticks, which were now discarded on the grass.

'HERMIONE!' Harry called, running to her side. He was panic stricken. Hermione vaguely registered the Snitch enclosed in his hand. 'Hermione! Are you okay? Are you hurt?'

'Move out of the way, Potter!' Malfoy snarled, shoving Harry to the ground and taking his place. 'Hermione, thank lord, are you okay? Who was flying that thing? Who put you in so much danger? I'll tear them apart!'

'It was him!' said Harry, pointing at Krum. 'He did it!'

Malfoy spun around to the accused. 'Viktor Krum, huh? I will kill him with my bare HANDS!'

Malfoy charged into Krum, flooring them both to the grass. They started to brawl.

'Get out of it, Malfoy, I want to kill him!' said Harry, and eagerly jumped in, the Snitch flying out of his hand in the process. Ron, who'd been standing close by, was tripped and accidentally dragged into the fight - much to his peril.

'AAAHHH! Harry, stop hitting me! I'm not Krum, I'm Ron!'

Hermione had had enough! As far as she was concerned, this embarrassing display of testosterone needed to be stopped. So she shouted out, at the top of her voice: 'STOP FIGHTING! NOOOW!'

The boys froze in position. They were an entangled mess: Malfoy had Krum in a headlock, who was twisting Ron's leg at an awkward angle, who was draped over Harry, who was yanking Malfoy's hair from its roots.

'Just stop it! Stop it, all of you!' But before she could say anything else, another flying oddity, even more incredible then the last, was souring towards them: it was an enormous, pumpkin-shaped silver carriage, headed by eight bat-winged oxen. The boys were on their feet. Everyone gaped at the approaching carriage with a mixture of amazement and fear; everyone except Krum, that is. He alone seemed unfazed.

'This is vot I vas going to tell you, Hermownninny. You did not reply to my letters about coming to Bulgaria for our vedding, so I brought the vedding to you!'

The carriage and the oxen soon landed. Once safely on the ground, the carriage's front door's opened; a bishop looking figure stepped out, followed by a dark man and woman dressed in gold. Krum's parents, it seemed. Hermione went white. Ron had that 'I'm going to vomit slugs' look on his face, and Harry and Malfoy were particularly fretful. Harry pulled himself together and scooted over to Hermione.

'Hermione?' he said with pain. 'Say it isn't so. Are you going to marry Viktor Krum?'

But Hermione wasn't in a state to be responsive. The flying ox, the pumpkin carriage, the bishop guy - it was all too much... Harry took her silence as a yes and turned to Malfoy. 'Strangle me.'

Malfoy gawked at him. 'What?'

'I want to die Malfoy, strangle me!' said Harry, putting Malfoy's hands around his neck.

'Oh no you don't!' said Malfoy, catching on. 'If anyone's going to be strangled, it's me!' And he put Harry's hands on his neck instead.

'Stop being a prat and just strangle me already!'

'No way! I'm dying for Hermione first, not you!'

'Fine!' Harry converted to Ron. 'Ron, do me a favour and strangle me please!'

But Ron, like Hermione, was totally out of it and gaping silently.

'RON!' Harry yelled in his ear, alerting him immediately.

'What the...? That hurt, Harry!'

The 'bishop guy' approached Hermione and said, in a thick accent, 'are you ready to take Viktor's hand in marriage now, Miss Granger?'

Overcome with depression, Harry tore out his wand, which had been tucked back into his sleeve, and pointed it at his chest. 'That's it then. I'll just set myself on fire!'

It was this announcement of Harry's alone that brought Hermione back to her senses.

'Harry! No, STOP!' she implored him, snatching his wand away. 'Don't you dare! I'm sick of you trying to kill yourself! And I'm not marrying Krum!'

Krum took Hermione's last words like a slap to the face. 'But - ' he blubbered. 'Hermowninny, I thought…I mean, I vant to…'

Sighing, Hermione turned to face Krum. 'I'm sorry, Viktor, but…well…' Hermione thought of re-telling how she'd managed to infect everyone with love potion, but figured he probably wouldn't understand if she did. 'It's a very long story, but the bottom line is, I can't marry you. I'm sincerely sorry.'

This was music to Harry and Malfoy's ears. Meanwhile, Krum's parents, sensing discord, came over and started babbling incoherently to everyone in Bulgarian. During the mix up, Harry guided Hermione away.

'Hermione,' he said, standing before her. 'I'm so happy you're not marrying Krum. It means I can still do this...'

Hermione caught her breath as Harry knelt down on one knee. He fumbled in his pocket, and then pulled something out...something that looked a lot like a ring case. Ron, who'd also found his senses, looked as though he wouldn't mind loosing them again. 'I don't like where this is going…' he muttered, looking upon Harry and Hermione with morbid anticipation.

'Hermione Jane Granger,' Harry began, while Ron moaned 'oh god!' from the background. 'I'm so happy I met you. You're my best friend, but I can't pretend I don't want more. I want to know you completely, I want grow old and have babies with you…'

'Oh god!' said Ron more forcefully, as Harry persevered, opening the ring case to reveal a beautiful ivory-gold, diamond ring. Hermione's heart thumped into overdrive. She was going to pass out, she thought. Surely, any minute now…

'I love you. Marry me?'

But Malfoy wasn't going to allow this for much longer. He bulldozed Harry clean out of the picture, and knelt down in front of Hermione instead.

'Hermione! Please don't say yes to Potter until you hear me out.'

And with that, Malfoy unearthed a ring case from within his robes too! When he opened it, Hermione gasped - enclosed was a silver skull ring, identical to the Dark Mark, complete with dark green bloodstones for eyes. Her stomach turned over. But really, she thought, how could you expect anything less from someone like Malfoy?

'At first I just wanted to shag you, but these last few days have shown me I must be in love with you. Potter's a wuss, marry me!'

Harry put himself back in the picture. 'Get away from her, Malfoy, she's marrying me!' he enforced, pushing Malfoy aside.

'Get real, Potter! She's marrying me!' said Malfoy, pushing back.

'No, me!'

'ME!'

'ME!'

The time had come to pass out, Hermione more or less decided. The last few days had not been kind on her nerves, and three marriage proposals worked to knock her well and truly down. Without another thought on it, she fainted.