With Angel off trying to kill his friends, Spike lights up a cigarette and looks around the empty lobby, singing to pass the time:
"It doesn't pay to try.
All the smart boys know why.
It doesn't mean I didn't try.
I just never know why.
It isn't cause I'm all alone.
You can't put your arms around a memory.
You can't put your arms around a memory.
So don't try . . . Don't try."
"You did what to your mother!," Lorne exclaims.
"Don't you dare talk about my mum!" Spike runs over and starts choking Lorne with his left hand.
"I can help you. I can help you," Lorne wheezes. Spike lets go when he hears someone enter. He turns his back on Lorne and stares up at Connor, who glares down at him. Spike still has on his vampire face.
"Oh look, a snack," Spike says with a smile.
Connor brandishes his stake. "You don't know what you're up against, do you?
Spike laughs and leaps up the stairs to face-off with the lad. "What are you trying to be? A Slayer in drag?"
"The Oedipal thing's also about your mother," Lorne calls out. "That's the trigger! You have to come to terms with what you - "
"Will you shut up!!," Spike growls.
"Suit yourself." Connor tries to stake Spike while his back is turned. Spike steps out of the way and pushes Connor down the steps. "A few tips. First, you really need to work on the pre-fight banter. Second, your wardrobe's a tad ratty. It's grunge, ten years too late, and without the flannel. And third, stick with the kiddie vamps, the ones you can handle. Because you have no bloody idea who you're dealing with."
"Neither do you." Connor leaps fifteen feet forward and lands a flying right kick to Spike's chest, knocking his back into the wall. Spike's shocked by the boy's abilities, and Connor exploits this, landing right and left hooks. When Spike attempts a left hook, Connor grabs his left arm and tosses Spike over his shoulder. He moves in to kick Spike while he's down, but Spike sweeps his legs out. When they both get up, Connor rashly charges in and tries a right hook kick, left roundhouse kick and right jab. Spike backs away from the first two, and ducks the third. Connor's fist leaves a dent in the concrete wall behind Spike. He takes note, then knocks superboy back with a left hook. He blocks Connor's right hook, lands a right cross and a left jab, ducks Connor's left cross and puts him on the floor with a powerful right jab to the sternum.
Lorne rolls his eyes. "Paging Doctor Freud! Do you two realize how much you have in common? Spike, why don't you give Angel's son here a few lessons in smoldering daddy envy."
Spike turns to face Lorne. "What the bloody hell are you yammering on about?" Connor tries a right kick while Spike's not looking. Spike grabs Connor's leg and throws him through the air. He slides along the atrium floor before coming to a stop near Lorne.
"Like I said, bleach boy, that's Angel's son you're fighting." Spike thinks about this. He looks at Connor as he rises to his feet, furious and out for Spike's blood. The kid's human, but he seems abnormally strong.
"His son! Is he telling the truth, squirt?"
"My name's Connor, and it's not like I had a choice in the matter."
Spike chuckles at the notion. "You expect me to believe this teenager comes out of bloody nowhere, says he's part of the family, and no one finds that the least bit ludicrous? Wait, this sounds vaguely familiar. First the mass amnesia. Now the mystery kid. It's almost like I'm going back in time." Spike looks worried. "At this rate, they'll be putting a chip in my head a half hour from now."
"Excuse me," Lorne interjects, "But I didn't mean to cause you two to stop fighting to the death. Please, continue. Then one of you will die, and the world will be a better place." Cordy screams. Connor hears this and runs to help her. Spike shrugs. He puts his cigarette out on the floor.
"Hey green guy, aren't you a Pylean?"
"Guess you're not as stupid as you look. Course, that's not much of an achievement."
"Mouthy little fella. I thought Pyleans were a race of warriors? You don't look like much of a fighter."
"I'm a lover, not a fighter."
"From the looks of it, I'd say you're neither. By the way, is Angel's son' really just a big ball of universe-destroying energy?"
"I've always thought so. Say, can you be a dear an untie me so I can put an end to this madness?"
"Right when it's starting to get interesting? Then again, that Texan's probably a lot nicer with her memories intact," Spike says with a smile. He grabs a knife from the weapons chest and cuts through the duct tape.
"Hallelujah. You are a life saver."
"Whose life?"
"That's up to Angel-slash-Liam." This reminds Spike to go check out how things have developed. He follows the noises downstairs. "Wait!!," Lorne pleads. "Please stick around. I have to help undo that mind control."
"No one's controlling my mind, you stupid ponce." Spike rushes off. Lorne shrugs.
"Ensouled vampires. They always gotta do things the hard way."
By now Connor's saved Cordy, and he's fighting Angel. Spike arrives just in time to see Angel gain the upper hand. Connor's on the floor. Angel stands over him. Spike can't resist. He sneaks up on Angel from behind and hits him in the head with a frying pan, putting Angel on his knees. Then he smashes Angel's face into the metal table. Finally, he picks up Angel and throws him across the room and into the wall. Connor's impressed. Spike pulls him up to his feet.
"Did you come here to kill my father?"
"Nope. I prefer keeping Angel alive. That way, he can suffer." Connor smiles.
"Can everyone come upstairs?," Lorne asks. "I think I know how to bring everything back to normal. And Angel – I mean, Liam – make sure that Spike character doesn't get away." Angel, woozy from the blows to his head, slowly rises from his feet.
"You want me to kill him?," Angel asks.
"No killing!" Lorne puts his right hand to his forehead and gives up. "Forget about Spike. It's not like he's our problem, anyway."
While Lorne was talking to Angel, Connor, having realized why Angel attacked Cordy, and having figured out he isn't going to get any from her tonight, runs out of the building. Spike catches up with him on the street. "By the way, what were you and daddy' bashing each other's heads in over?
"Cordy."
Spike is intrigued. "Fighting over the same girl. Let me guess: she's in love with Angel, and you can't figure out why."
"Do you know my father?" Spike chuckles.
"We go way back. The whole love triangle thing, it reminds me of when Angelus and I fought over a woman. I kept trying to find a way to impress her. Then I killed a Slayer." Spike's eyes light up with inspiration. "That's it! That's how you impress Cordelia. You kill the Slayer! You kill Buffy. It's bloody perfect." Connor tries, Connor fails, but Buffy learns about Angel's feelings for Cordelia. Advantage Spike.
"Is this Buffy a vampire?"
"Not quite. But she has risen from the grave, and she's strong like a vampire. Your father tried to kill her, but he failed miserably. So this would be the perfect way to prove you're tougher than your old man. Cordelia will be monumentally impressed. Buffy hates her.
"Then she must be evil."
"Your sense of logic is astoundingly original."
This is where the original sketch ended. If you want, I can go on.