Rating: PG13, drama/angst
Summary: Sara takes a look at all that has happened in the past four years only to realize that it never really mattered.
A/N: I take absolutely no credit for the characters mentioned in this story. They all belong to the makers of CSI, and I take no credit for them. I also take no credit in the song 'In the End' by Linkin Park. It belongs to them and in no way does it belong to me. I don't hold the capacity to write songs like that!
A story of Sara.
It starts with one thing,
I don't know why
It doesn't even matter how hard you try
Keep that in mind,
I designed this rhyme
To explain in due time
All I know…
Sara sat there, watching the folder of all her notes on the current case she was working teeter on the edge of the table. Anytime it could fall, any time it would spill over, wrecking all the design and strict order she put on all of the things important in her life.
Then again, it wouldn't have mattered. Only to her boss did it matter; however, he was the only one thing that mattered to her.
She sighed, taking hold of the folder and opening it to the first page. Pictures. Death. It wasn't as if she was used it. Still experiencing the first sight, the first smell, and the first touch of the dead still put her off balance. She would never be able to push something like that aside. But this time it was different. She closed the folder and leaned her head back against the wall.
She wondered if her boss ever felt that way. The familiar flinch of death, the presence still around. No, not him. He didn't feel anything.
She frowned as she looked toward the fridge where who knows how many of his experiments sat expiring at that very moment. She scowled as the door opened, where Catherine pulled out a bottle of water. Yes, inside there were those experiments that he so insisted upon leaving there.
"Not enough room in my office fridge." He had said.
She scowled. But despite everything, she was in awe of him. Her scowl disappeared as she thought about what had happening in the past four years. It was everything that led up to this very moment. This specific moment in time today was her chance to change. It was her war with herself and with everyone else who dared to step in her way. Today was her decision to keep going to or to end all of it.
All I know
Time is a valuable thing
Watch it fly by as the pendulum swings
Watch it count down to the end of the day
The clock ticks life away It's so unreal
Didn't look out below
Watch the time go right out the window
Trying to hold, but didn't even know
Wasted it all just to watch you go…
That very same folder seemed to send sparks igniting in her mind. Simple sparks reminding her of the past. She remembered the writing, the same writing that had written her the letter of asking her to join the CSI Crime Lab in Los Vegas. Her fingers lingered upon the pen and pencil smudges. She remembered him writing on the white board, or the clipboard he often towed with him. Those simple sparks seemed to send unwanted and cold shivers down her spine.
The simplest of chalk on the bottom corner of the folder seemed to ignite a particular memory. She had wiped off dry dust from his cheek as an excuse to touch him. The simplest movement had sent him into a flurry of confusion, but he wasn't the only one. She had quickly made an excuse to leave, and get away from any confrontation from then on. But that was when it had officially started.
And slowly, the folder left her vision as the sparks ignited into a flame of memories. "I didn't know you knew beauty…" She had said.
"Not until I met you." He had responded. It had taken her off guard, making her fall off of her stable pedestal.
"That's deep… you're going to need someone to look at that, honey." He had said. She thought at first that it was nothing, meant nothing. That it was simply out of concern that he had used that word. But as time went by, her perception had changed and that very night she had asked him for dinner.
What a fool she had been! How could she have let herself go along with her emotions and let him see just how raw she was?
I kept everything inside and even though I tried It all fell apart
What it meant to me
Will eventually be a memory
Of a time when I tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn't even matter
I had to fall
To lose it all
But in the end it doesn't even matter…
She played with the corner of the folder with her fingers as she watched Catherine turn the page of the magazine. It wasn't a comfort that she was around. It was always competition. Even though she always knew that Catherine was just his friend, it always felt like she had to prove herself to him.
It was all a waste of her time. She scowled again, as she propped her chin on her hand, and let the other hand finger the corner of the folder. This one folder, the one that held absolutely no meaning yet so much, seemed to make everything worse.
She growled inwardly, more at herself for letting herself get carried away with her emotions.
"No."
"Why not?"
"Sara… I don't know what to do about this…"
"I do…" She had paused then, "You know, by the time you figure it out, it'll be too late."
One thing
I don't know why
It doesn't even matter how hard you try
Keep that in mind
I designed this rhyme
To remind myself how I tried so hard…
How many times had she tried and fallen? She was a defeated solder, on the brink of her last breath. How many times had she tried and he brushed it off with a careless remark and ignorance?
She leaned back in the chair, looking at the folder. Her attention on nothing else except the folder.
How many times had she tried not to think about him? How many times had she tried to give up? Too many to count, and too blind to go anywhere when she was trying.
She bit her bottom lip.
In spite of the way you were mocking me
Acting like I was part of your property
Remembering all the times you fought with me
I'm surprised it got so far
Things aren't the way they were before
You wouldn't even recognize me anymore
Not that you knew me back then
But it all comes back to me in the end…
She hated him.
Silently, she looked out the window, at the dark clouds and the lightening striking the ground on the way. It was almost overtop the building, but it wasn't doing anything for her mood and her current state of mind.
"You tell me to get a life and then you call me in…" She had paused, "It's… confusing." It felt like she was used. She always felt like that and no one tried anything to stop that feeling, especially him.
"The case is hot, Gris. You can't stop me from that."
"It's not a negotiation, Sara!" He bit back. It silenced her immediately, if not cutting through her like a knife.
She hated him. She hated him and wanted to hurt him for hurting her the way he did. She wanted to hurt him for being so insensitive and completely oblivious to how she felt about him. She wanted him to hurt the same hurt she felt. She wanted him to hurt for the pain he brought her. For not knowing her enough to cater to her needs.
But then again… he never knew her anyway. At least not more than the one time they went out… and how long ago was that? That had to be when she was still in college, and it simply a professor taking a student to learn. No, he didn't know her. He had no clue who she was.
"No." He had said to her proposition. She scowled. She had offered him everything that one night after the explosion in the lab. He had said no and the way he said it seemed to fuel her anger.
Especially now.
She looked back at the folder, almost wanting to rip in half. But then she remembered one moment in time.
"Grissom… pin me down…" Thoughts came in her mind, and soon the image of it all flourished over her senses.
He did so, 'pinning' her down to the bloody sheets behind her. She was talking about the case, the words completely meaningless to her at that very moment as he kept his eyes on her.
Those baby blue eyes that kept their attention to dead bodies, evidence bags and papers were on her. They were on her, finally. Their keen brilliance seemed to pierce through her very soul and she had no means to stop it.
His hands had come beside her waist, and she found herself holding her breath despite talking about the case. She wondered if he was listening to her. She wasn't even listening to herself. Was she even making any sense?
Then she stopped, and pulled away. Fear had gripped at her and she quickly left, asking a question that would get her mind off of the previous moment. What did or didn't happen between us… The sentence continued to ring through her head to this very day.
His look was hurtful. He looked like either he had no clue what she was talking about or that he was mocking her for her naivety.
If only he knew just how much she knew. She wasn't naïve. She was a woman and she had given her heart hopelessly away only for it to be thrown back at her.
But when she left, thinking about the moment, she felt herself sinking and falling.
She had come to a painful realization. The most painful realization she had ever come to because she knew she would never recover from it. She sighed, as she leaned her head back against the wall, taking the folder with her and hugging it to her chest.
I put my trust in you
Pushed as far as I can go for all this
There's only on thing you should know
I've put my trust in you
Pushed as far as I can go for all this…
She loved him.
She slapped the folder on the table and stood up, her chair almost falling back but instead stumbled back to all fours.
Honey… negotiation… no… not since you… no…Thoughts and memories flooded over her as the storm clouds rumbled further. They washed over her, purifying her and then clinging to her with grief.
"Why…?" She whispered to herself, no one hearing her. She opened her eyes, and looked around the room. No one was there anymore; Catherine had left a while ago with her water to the evidence room.
But she could see him walking toward her, toward the break room. He had no reason to come. She didn't sit back down as he entered the room. She kept watching him; he didn't look at her.
"Hey." She chanced, her voice bouncing off the wall softly.
He stood up and looked up at her. No smile, no sparkle in his eyes. Just the detached metallic sound in his voice, "Hi."
I tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn't even matter
I had to fall
To lose it all
But in the end
It doesn't even matter…
What happened to their relationship? What happened to the smiling, the playful fights and the flirting? What happened to the sunshine in her life? It burned. It burned and it fell.
What had happened to her? How could she survive now?
Just as quickly as he came in, he left. She just stood there, watching him walk away. The folder under her hands trembled with fear and anguish. She would never feel like this again. This, she promised herself.
As soon as the memories stopped, the tears began to flow to her eyes.
By the time you figure it out… it'll be too late…
With all her pain, heart, soul and everything within her, she forced her arm. The folder flew. The papers in the folder scattered out toward the door, smashing into the wall with hate.
And then he turned and saw her.
I had to fall
To lose it all
But in the end
It doesn't even matter…
He had seen her and for the first time, compassion.
It doesn't even matter…