Catherine once said that I didn't have any issues . . . I didn't have any life outside my work. The truth was that I did indeed have few personal problems to interfere with my life. I prided myself on that. When I did have a problem, I pretended it didn't exist until I actually believed that it was only in my head. It almost cost me my hearing once; this time it would take away my hearing.

I had known for three weeks. I went to the audiologist five days later when the headaches became so bad that I could not pretend anymore. I went through hearing acuity checks and a painful biopsy only to have the worst news possible presented to me. I had a glial cell neuroma growing in my right ear. It was taking over my eighth cranial nerve; I was going to be deaf in my right ear following an operation to remove the pre-malignant tumor.

For the first time in my life, I wondered why all this was happening to me. I knew that I should thank my lucky stars that I had my hearing as long as I did. It was hard to be grateful when I felt like everything I loved was being taken away from me.

Every day I looked at Sara and Greg and wanted to tell them. I knew they looked up to me with respect that was unparalleled. Instead, I became angry with them because they could hear. I was angry that fate was playing this game with me. After all, it was a game that I would lose.

The first time I yelled at Sara, I didn't even realize that I was doing it until I saw her try to hide the tears that were welling in her eyes. I didn't want her to love a sick, old man . . . a deaf, sick, old man. I pushed her away. I took most of my anger out on her because I didn't want her to care about me. When my anger became too much to just take out on one person, I made them all suffer. I made them suffer the best way that I could; I made it impossible to please me. I knew that was what they strived for.

I began to believe that somehow Sara was the cause of all my problems. I had made myself vulnerable to her; I let her touch me in a way that I never let anyone else touch me. I let her become a part of my life; I had let them all become a part of my life. I had let personal feelings intrude on cases; I began to look at evidence with an agenda already in mind. I was changing. I blamed all the wrong people for those changes.

I knew Ecklie's motives for breaking up the only family that I had really known. He was jealous. He was jealous that I had a team filled with bright, intelligent people. He had Sophia; he had only Sophia. That made him jealous. When Sophia brushed off his sexual advances, he tossed her to the wayside. He was a monster; I only pretended to be a monster.

I pushed them away; I turned them into people that I no longer recognized. I knew that they were suffering, but on some level I thought they deserved it. I just didn't want them to be hurt; if they hated me, they would never miss me. It was selfish; I wanted to be missed, but I didn't want to be a burden. I didn't want to be a charity case.

Sophia was working in trace. She worked so quickly and deliberately. She reminded me of me. I wanted to tell her to be different; I wanted to tell her to let personal things get in the way of work occasionally. I wished I would have had something personal before I lost it all.

I imagined how I would live the rest of my life. I would have hearing only in my left ear . . . my good ear. My left ear would always be at risk for hearing loss due to the encasement of my bones in calcium, phosphate, and other things that threatened to render me deaf. I could lecture, but lecturing was never something I was good at. I could study bugs in a lab or in the field, but I liked how the bugs helped me solve crimes. The future seemed meaningless. It wasn't fair.

I wondered where my youngest CSIs were. I wondered if they were okay. Very often, they were not okay. I watched my entire team sit on the verge of being alcoholics; it was my fault.

There wasa plant on the corner of my desk. The card simply said From Sara, Greg, and Sophia. I closed my eyes and rubbed my temples. If only I could turn back time and prevent these changes.