I don't seem to know were my home is I feel so lost and confused in this world that I have created around myself, for closure. I look around and see beautiful colours, which seem to swirl around my fragile, yet warm body. I feel...for once at peace, its like the war I was fighting is suddenly over...and I'm free, free from the broken promises, shattered dreams but most of all, free from the pain, that I have endured for such a short time, yet it felt like eternity.
I look down at my body, which is bare as I feel my stomach, the only thing that I once had, only to find that I feel empty... there is no child inside my stomach. I shake my head in disbelief as I try desperately to feel a connection between me and my unborn child. I shiver... not wanting this to be true.
I feel the tears stream down my cheeks, as I feel myself moving, I quickly look down, only to see a cloud under my feet, lifting me higher up into the sky, as my eyes widen in shock.
I'm pushed off the fluffy cloud, which felt so warm and comforting as my eyes are trying to adjust to the brightness. I squeeze my eyes shut, not bothering to try anymore, as I hear a voice from the distance.
"You have two option Liz, I advice you to think them through" a male voice tells me. I find myself on the ground, more like a jelly floor...its indescribable.
"Who are you" I whisper.
"I will tell you everything, depending on which option you choose" he tells me gently, I nod my head,acting as if Iunderstand. I'm still not able to see the man in front of me.
"And what are my options" I ask hesitantly.
He pauses for a moment as he slowly begins, "your dead..." he says simply"I know that" I say with frustration in my voice.
"You have two choices so choose wisely" he says again, making me more arrogant then I already am.
"What are my options?" I ask, trying to stay calm,"you must complete a task before I can give you your options, you are still a child" he tells me simply. I'm almost offended, yet I don't have the energy to argue.
"Fine what do I have to do" I ask, annoyed"I must warn you, it's an incredibly hard test" he says calmly. I nod my head, in acceptance, not quite sure were this would lead me, yet knowing I have no other choice.
"Your test is, to be completely honest with every question I ask you and most of all, to be honest with yourself" he tells me, as if its going to be the biggest thing I have ever done.
"Um... okay, I can do that" I say simply, while my eyes seem to adjust to the light, which is around me.
"Were are you" I mumble, confused would be an understatement.
"Everywhere" he says, as I look around, still not able to see him, only hearing his voice.
"Are you willing to accept the challenge" he asks impatiently, I nod my head "Yeah, I'll take your stupid challenge" I whisper, just wanting this over and done with.
I hear him give me a mocking laugh, yet not an evil one, an entertaining laugh.
"Do you love Max" he asks me simply, I shake my head"No I don't love him" I say ruthlessly.
"I said you must be honest, with me and yourself, look deep inside and you will find your answers, all of them" he tells me as if it's that simply.
"That is my honest answer" I say, getting annoyed, I give a frustrated sigh.
"LOOK" he demands, I hold my body, as I slowly close my eyes, trying to find the answers that I so desperately need.
My eyes snap open"Its not that easy" I cry,
"But it is"
"What does this have to do with anything" I scream as I look around, trying to find were the voice is coming from.
"Everything, everything has everything to do with it" he says, only confusing me more.
"I don't understand" I whisper.
"Then understand, because it's that simple"
"Its not! How did I get here, I don't understand anything, I never did and everything is getting worst" I cry, as I fall on the floor and sob.
"Child, your only confused because you make yourself that way, take a step back and look at your surroundings" he says affectionately.
I slowly sit in a crouch position, still not understanding how I lost my child...my everything.
"Why...why is this happening to me" I ask, barley in a whisper.
"I can't give you the answers until you give me mine" he tells me sadly.
I nod my head once again as I slowly get up, I close my eyes, trying to see with my eyes, what I feel.
"How can I tell you what I feel? When I don't even know myself, when I can't feel, its like my emotions are iced over and there is nothing I can do about it" I say in a croaky voice.
"It's your choice, whether or not to feel, to show emotions, your making yourself believe that you have no emotions" he says simply, once again his calmness is aggravating me.
"You don't even know me" I scream, as my voice bounces off the walls making an echo.
"I know you better then you even know yourself" he tells me "FINE! Tell me then, do I love Max? Do I understand anything" I yell as my voice echoes from the walls once again.
"I know the answer but the question is, do you?" he says bygiving me questions to ponder over because the fact is I don't know, I don't know anything anymore...
"I don't know..." I admit hesitantly.
"Why" he asks as if expecting an answer, I look around, not knowing whether I'm talking to myself.
"Because he once meant everything to me and now...I don't know" I say sadly.
"But feelings don't change over night, my child, you have much to learn"
"Then teach me"
"I am, close your eyes and slowly put down your wall that you have created around yourself, let people see you."
"I don't know how, I don't know if I can" I cry
"You're not even trying" he says impatiently, I once again give a heavy sigh as I close my eyes.
I think about Max and how he didn't save me, he saved me once and when he thought I betrayed him...he turned his back on me, or maybe it is I who turned my back on him... I killed him and he didn't even try to stop me, he in a way, let me.
My eyes snap open as things start to seem clearer"I... love him..." I whisper, barley not even hearing myself.