A/n: please review it would mean a lot to me
I clench my eyes shut, dreading the pain that I will soon feel. My last thoughts are about him and my last breath is for him as I soon feel the rusty object penetrate inside my open, gushing wound. I fall next to the unconscious boy, who I shall forever love as I slowly open my eyes to see the damage, which lingers on my body.
She missed...she missed my heart by only inches. I can see the blood, which drips from my wound. I can hear Buffy's rapid heartbeat as I lie next to the love of my life. Her heart seems so peaceful. I lie on the concrete and just listen as my blood runs from my body and onto the concrete as the rain washes it into the gutter.
I feel so weak, I'm dying...my child is dying, and I gave up my happiness for nothing, for him. And I know, I know still he won't forgive me nor do I expect him to. Tears once again fall from my eyes as the feelings I feel wont subside. Tears don't even seem enough.
I hear Buffy in the distends; I don't bother trying to hear her last brutal comments, for they don't mean a thing to me. Instead I listen to her deep breathing.
And yet I don't have any regrets. I let out a laugh, which only proves that I was losing it, losing the gift of living. I had to find out the hard way, that pain, tears, is all part of living.
I can feel blood in my throat as I try to cough it up, yet not finding the strength to move I lie still. Knowing any sudden movement would be futile.
"How cliché, saving your boy" Buffy says, so randomly. I close my eyes, trying to concentrate on my own breathing.
"Now you and your bastard of a child will die together, isn't that cute?" she says mockingly. I tighten my eyes, trying to think of Max and only Max. I let out a frustrating cry as images of Tess and Max come bombarding inside my head. It sickens me, how the memories of her tear my last chance of happiness away from me.
"Oh! No snappy comeback? Or witty comments?" Buffy berates. I try to speak but it came out as a cry.
I hold the end of the arrow, feeling the blood, which stains it. I take a few breaths in and then back out as I prepare myself for the worst. I try to tighten my grip on the arrow, which is shot through me but only finding my grip loosen. I fear that it shall be the end for me.
For me...have you ever had that realisation just hit you? When you've hit rock bottom. It was never about my child, it was never about Max or my family nor my friends. I constantly fed myself with lies, which I even believed.
I can feel the darkness coming for me; it's dragging me along, to face my demons, which has been myself all this time.
I slowly close my eyes, yet at the same time trying to fight the inevitable ...darkness surrounds my soul, I can feel its wrongness inside me. I can feel it penetrate through my skin, like a dagger cutting right through my flesh as I lash out to hold onto something for closure. And in return I find nothing... air, I open my eyes to see were the darkness has carried me to. I'm greeted with silence, I slowly look down at my body to find stiches replaced were the arrow was supposed to be.
I find myself laying on a blue bed, which is soaked in blood, you couldn't really tell the bed was blue, unless you've been here a thousand times before. I look around franticly to find the man I dreadfully need more then I would admit to neither anyone nor myself. I button up my red t-shirt, not knowing how my cloths are any different to what it was. My red shirt hangs like a dress on me. As were my legs feel bare and cold.
I slowly get off the warm bed, I look around, and my eyes soon seem to reside on the mirror, which remains in front of me. I still can't see my reflection and it saddens me just that little bit more.
I let out a frustrated sigh as I slowly look down at my now blotted belly. Which looks so swollen and at the same time, beautiful, in my eyes anyway. And for the first time I felt my child kick and soon after, I smile.
I feel something in my throat as I try to cough, but it only seems to irritate my stitchers, which makes it hurt even more. I feel my forehead, which has sweat dripping down the side of my face. I wipe the sweat with the back of my hand, away.
My legs suddenly feel weak and delicate; I look around the room to find something stable to lean on for support. I feel the ground move under my feet or maybe it was just my mind playing tricks on me. I lean my body against the wall; it feels nice and cool pressed against my flesh.
I slowly look down at my wrist in curiosity. I have a sudden urge and temptation to scratch my skin...it soon turns into, wanting to rip my skin apart. I tremble in fear of what I'm becoming, what I already am. I'm supposed to be dead...no, I'm already dead, I'm supposed to perish in hell, for that is what I deserve.
Although I feel light headed I make my way back to the waiting bed, not caring about the stains, which seem to makes its presence, noticed. I collapse on the bed, trying not to close my eyes, knowing what is waiting for me behind close eyes. His body is gone but his soul will forever haunt me; that I know.
I force myself to sit up, hearing a whimper coming from my mouth; I quickly press my hands against my lips. Not wanting any one to hear my cries for help.
I hear the door burst open, as I quickly look who has arrived, not knowing what time it is, only knowing that I have to feed. I soon see his now non-soulful eyes as he looks back at me. He throws her lifeless body on the bed in front of me. At that single moment it reminded me of 'Spike' and how he killed Tess...and I was forced to take the blame, for I did drain her blood, and the guilt of that still wont subside.
I stare at him as he looks down at me, his expression is telling me to feed, without asking him any questions, I shake my head, he should of known by now that I'm not helpless.
"Wh-" realising my voice isn't working as it used too.
He sighs in frustration as he closes the door behind him, "You saved my life, I want to return the favour" he says dryly.
I can feel a single tear drip down my now cold cheeks I quickly wipe it away.
"But... I'm the one who took your life" I croak in guilt.
"You don't have much time, you will die if you don't drink her blood, she is the key to your survival," he whispers, ignoring my last comment.
I feel more tears roll down my cheeks, as he looks down at me with sympathy, yet hatred. I feel like he has me under a microscope and his scrutinizing every detail of me. From the best parts to the worst, I feel so transparent when I'm around him, like he can see through me.
"Thank... you" I whisper, knowing that he heard me but chose to ignore it. I can feel myself tremble as I feel more sweat come off my forehead. I slowly reach out for the woman, which is next to me, who I have learnt to hate.
I grab her arms and pull her closer to my chest as I pull her hair away from her neck to taste how sweet a slayer is. My eyes linger back at Max's as I can feel his eyes burning into mine. I shake my head as I push her onto the floor, not wanting Max to hate me anymore then he already does.
"I...I can't" I tremble as my voice fails me.
He glares back at me, "You have to!" he demands. I shake my head in disagreement.
"Your child will die if you don't drink her blood! You need her blood! We have been looking everywhere to find the cure, how to kill the virus, which is inside of you! And this is the only way, Liz! Are you listening to me?" he screams, seeing the tears for the first time, gleam in his dark brown eyes.
"I don't want to feed off blood...I... to me this is hell" I whisper as I slowly take my gaze off his and look at the dead body which is beside the bed.
He doesn't argue for a moment, I don't know how many minutes or hours pasted, but I soon find his hands on my shoulders, forcing me to look into his eyes. I slowly look up into the darkness that I have created.
He takes a deep breath as he tries to talk, "Li.." he stutters, trying to find the right words. "I need you" he blurts out, my eyes widen as his hands drop to his side. He sits on the bed beside me as he continues.
"When I woke up, I found your body, I was petrified that I would loose you...while I was trying to save you, Michael defended her off, We couldn't do much, it would have been futile to fight with her in your position" he says as he points to her body which is laying on the floor. "Its already been a week, you have almost died several times, I...I tried to heal you but my power wouldn't work, its like I didn't have any to begin with."
He takes another slow breath as he tries to work out the enigma, which he has created inside his head.
"I forced myself to talk to Isabel and the others, we all agreed we would fine the cure. Eventually we did but it was almost to late, you don't have much time Liz! You have to drain a slayer to be able to raise your child and watch it grow!" he says, almost mumbling.
"I cant bear to live in this cruel world...I don't want you to hate me anymore." I whisper.
"I'm...sorry, I don't know how to stop hating you but what I do know is...that I love... you and that will never change, but please just drink!" he pleads
I can feel myself slowly give into his torment, willing me to drink her blood.
"I cant! I don't want you to hate me! Why do you hate me?" I ask, knowing how stupid it sounds even to my own ears.
He looks at me with his pleading eyes, I close my eyes as I slowly kneel over the bed and pick up her cold body. My stomach is screaming no but my head is screaming yes, I almost backed out, until I saw how loving Max's eyes really are. This time I didn't hesitate as I lashed onto the dead corpse known to be my cure.
I drank her, feeling his eyes still watching my every move. I let her body slip out of my grasp as her blood seeps into my veins. I lick my lips with satisfaction. I look back at Max, feeling stronger then I ever have.
I throw her dead corps off the bed, her body lands on the floor with a loud thud. "So you did it, you killed her, here I thought you were going to be feeble, I guess your not as stupid as you look" his husky voice feels the silent air. I snap my head towards the voice. I shake my head, knowing now that his already gone; I can't bring back my best friend...
Yet knowing that doesn't make it hurt any less. I turn my attention backto Max, were he has shut off his emotions once again and now I don't know whether I can ever bring him back. "Max..." I whisper, he looks at my t-shirt, he knows underneath is where you would find proof that I am more then just weak.
He ignores my plea, which only saddens me, I softly sigh as I feel more tears drip down my cheeks...it feels like they have lost all meaning.
"Ah, isn't this a classic?" The man who looks like Alex berates.
"Why... did you sleep with..." Max trails off; perhaps he just doesn't want to know the answers nor do I know whether or not I could provide him with any. After all what does he want me to say? That I didn't do it, not like he would believe me anyway, whatever I say he will hold it against me.
"I have to go," I say without meaning it. I get up quickly as I feel the pain; my stiches rubbed against my clothing. It starts throbbing, Max quickly takes me and lays me on his bed.
"You think he still cares?" the Alex look alike asks me.
"Why would you care?" I scream.
Max looks at me as he wipes a stray hair out of my face, thinking that I was talking to him, he gently kisses my forehead.
"You need to rest," he whispers as he slowly walks away and out the door, he closes it behind him, leaving me alone with darkness.
"Well you see, even though I'm evil, half of me is still Alex, the Alex you loved and depended on all thous years ago," he tells me as he smirks.
He walks up to the bed so I can see him more clearly.
"Liar!" I whisper.
"Go on ask me a question that only Alex would know"
"Leave me alone, I just want to be left alone" I whisper.
"You know as well as I do that that is a lie, your sick and tired of being alone!" he tells me, not believing that he knows me so well.
"If you know these things about people, then why don't you help them instead of messing with there minds" I question, holding my stomach as if it's my closure.
"I have my reasons, as well as you do," he tells me simply. Although I don't doubt his reasons nor do I find it in my heart to care.
I pull the blanket up to my neck, holding it tightly. I still can't force myself to get some rest; I don't want to dream for I know what it will become.
I'm screaming inside my head for Max to save me, save me from myself, I know a part of the man which walks around without emotions, is still Max, no matter how many times he denies it.
I lay awake, so many memories still live inside my mind, I can't wash them away nor can I forget them. The truth is like a lie in so many ways, it eats you up inside until there is nothing left.
Hours pass and still I'm not able to close my eyes, not wanting to dream. I think about Max and how I wish he loved me the way I want him to, that our life was perfect in every single way. Finally I surrender to the darkness as I close my eyes, waiting for him to haunt me.
(Dream)
His rough body against mine, crying for him to stop, although he doesn't his grip just tightens as I'm forced to live through this nightmare all over again.
I shut my eyes tightly to picture Max in my head, to think about all the times we've shared, good and bad they are all better then this ache that I feel inside. I slowly look towards the shadows, only to see his face, Max's. I scream for him to help me but he doesn't seem to hear me, instead he stands there and watches. He then smiles at me as in saying that I deserve it all.
(End of dream)
I wake up with sweat poring down my face as well as tears. Wishing I didn't close my eyes. My whole body is trembling as I sit up in bed; pushing my hair out of the way I begin to cry.
The question still remains, was it really Max? Could he really be that heartless to just leave me there, not to even try to help me? I press my hands against my mouth, sobbing quietly as I slowly rock myself back and forth. Spike haunts me but Max's face haunts me even more, the fact that he just smiled without a care in the world is appalling. It sickens me to death...if I wasn't already dead.
I'm still trembling, my body refuses to obey any of my orders. I slowly push the blanket off my body as I slide off the bed. I take a few steps towards the door only to trip over. I look back at the object that I've tripped over. My eyes widen as I see Buffy's corps lying on the floor next to my bed. I give out a tiny scream as I quickly get up and run towards the door. I open it half heartily expecting to walk through it but some thing stops me it like an invisible wall is stopping me from my destination.
I hit the invisible wall with my fist only to have my fist throb in pain. I heavily sigh as I lean my back on it as I slide down on my bottom to cradle myself. I can hear voices down stairs, little murmurs which seem to echo inside my mind. I try to listen intensely
"Max! She killed you for gods sakes can you just listen to yourself for one fricken minute!" I hear an oddly familiar voice.
"Isabel, What the hell did you want me to do? Let her die?" I hear Max ask. Knowing now that they are talking about me.
"I don't know how about yes!" she screams, trying to keep her voice low so I don't hear her.
There is a minutes of silence as I soon hear him again, "I thought you would understand, from all people!" he says disgustingly.
"Well I'm sorry Max but how can I understand! She killed your child! She killed Tess and then she killed you! Look at you you're a what, sorry I forgot a vampire! Who can't even go out in the sunlight nor have emotions! What will I tell mum and dad when they get back from there vocation?" she screams irately.
"You should thank Liz, for she is the only reason why you're not dead yet, why your not all dead" he says coldly. I shiver at how cold he sounds, for he is the monster that I've created but the superior monster is the man who had created me.
"The Max I knew would have never said or even think of saying that to me" She whispers so I could barely hear her.
"The Max you thought you knew, never existed," he tells her bitterly.
"Whoa! Wait Max you don't mean that!" another woman's voice cuts in; hearing Isabel cry softly while the other girl defends her.
"I don't wish do have this discussion anymore, its over" he says loud enough so everybody in the room could hear him.
"Don't you dare tell me whether its over or not! My best friend is up there! While you guys are debating whether or not to kill her, I lost her before but I will be dammed if I loose her again!" She says firmly.
"Maria! She is not Liz; Liz would never kill Max or even Tess for that matter! She has no soul as well as Max!" Isabel tells her.
"You touch Liz and I will kill you myself," she whispers harshly. At the sound of it I think Isabel backed off.
"Okay Maria! Calm down! We aren't going to kill Liz, not unless she attacks us first but we need a plain," A husky voice comments. Every one seems to ignore him as Isabel talks again.
"Does anyone not see the big picture here? She has killed and she will kill again! She is a cold blood murderer who killed Alex!" She screams.
That was the last straw. "Your full of shit Isabel!" I scream at the top of my lungs. Trying to get past the invisible shied which is in front of me. "I didn't kill him! He was my best friend I didn't kill him!" I scream once again, hearing footsteps approach me. Tears fog my vision as I try to wipe them away, yet they only seem to come more rapidly.
"I didn't kill him!" I whisper again as I slide on the floor in my original position, curling myself up once again. Whispering incoherent thoughts to myself.
I feel some one pull me up to my knees and then my feet as they hold me in their arms as I sob. Knowing already that its Max, no one else would have the guts to be this close to me.
"Shhh, its okay, no one is going to hurt you" he whispers in my ear, although I don't care if they do but I would rather go to hell then be blamed of killing my best friend, I've already killed my soul mate I will not take the blame of something I never did or would of ever done.
I cry on his shoulder as I can feel every one glaring at me, some in sympathy but most of them in hatred. He slowly takes his arms off my fragile body as he turns to face the others.
I wait to hear their harsh words but they don't come, instead they all stare at me in astonishment. Isabel was the first to break the silence.
"So how does it feel like being you?" she whispers in sarcasm. I felt like biting back but I stopped myself.
"Your welcome to take my place" I say calmly even though I'm far from it. I rub my stomach to keep my child warm, I smile as I feel and hear its little heartbeat.
"Your pregnant?" Maria asks, I can tell that she is beyond shocked, it would be an understatement with the expression that is left on her face, with her mouth wide open.
I shrug, after all what am I supposed to say? That I'm pregnant and yeah I got raped by a creepy vampire which happened to be in the park were I was waiting for a bus to get out of Roswell. Oh I can't forget that part can I, I say sarcastically in my head.
There's an awkward silence, which fills the air once again. I soon hear a small voice; "Do you want something to drink? We can go down stairs and discuss this while were down there" I turn to see Isabel looking intensely at the ground as she speaks.
"I cant there's an invisible wall which is stopping me from going anywhere in your house" I say angrily as I cross my arms then quickly uncross them because of the stinging sensation of my stiches. They all look at me with a strange expression on their faces. Once again with the awkward silence, all I can hear are their rapid heartbeats, something I don't have, yet jealous of.
"Fine you want me to show you, look at this," I say as I try to run in the invisible wall only to fall on the ground outside the doorway. I quickly pick myself up, not knowing how I did that.
"Okay fine lets go downstairs," I mumble incoherently as people pass me, giving me funny looks as they go. I walk down slowly, carefully avoiding tripping over. My stiches hurt even more as I still feel some sweat from my dream on my forehead.
I finally make it at the bottom; it seems like a lifetime since I've been here. I still remember the photos of Max and Isabel when they were little. Where the pictures still remain on the wall, untouched with dust on the frames. I look at the photo intensely.
"That was so long ago" She whispers from behind me, I quickly turn around, her emotions are unreadable, to me anyway.
I shrug my shoulders in a non-caring gesture as I turn towards the kitchen, only to have her stand in front of me.
"I'm not your friend, the only reason your still alive is because your carrying an innocent child, which leaves me to the next question, why did you kill Max's innocent child when he had nothing to do with it?" she demands, her eyes glaring right through me.
For a second I was almost intimidated until I realised she doesn't know the whole truth so who is she to criticise anyone without all the facts?
I stand up straight, yet still not as tall as her; her death glare isn't enough to bring me down. "Get your facts right before you open your mouth" I say firmly yet bitterly. She was about to say something until Kyle walks in with a cup of coffee in his right hand.
He hands it to me; I slowly take it with a semi smile on my face as I walk passed Isabel, ignoring her expression, and into the kitchen towards the others with my cup of coffee. I sit down on the wooden chair next to the table, sipping my cup of coffee. I patiently wait for their questions, which I know they all have. Soon Isabel and Kyle enter the room and sits in a chair furthers from me.
Maria and Max stand as well as Michael, Michael was the first to speak; "How did you become..." he stutters, surprised that he didn't just blurt it out like the insensitive asshole he really is.
"The same way I turned Max into a vampire" I whisper uncomfortably, feeling them all staring at me with disgusted.
"Why did you turn him into a monster?" Isabel asks bitterly. How was I supposed to answer that? Either answer I give she wont me satisfied.
Yet I answer anyway, "I didn't want to be alone" I say a little bit over a whisper as I feel Max's eyes burning into my own. But I've learnt that I will forever be alone, no matter how many people I have, I'm always alone, that is my philosophy.
"How can you be so selfish?" Kyle asks coldly. I get up from were I was seated, "Don't you dare all lecture me about being selfish! I did what I thought I had to do for my survival its not that any of you care about me," I scream.
"How can you say that? Sure I haven't exactly been there after Alex died but you weren't the only one grieving for his death! I couldn't help you; I could barely even help myself! But don't you dare say we don't care! If we didn't we would have left you to die with that virus!" Maria says angrily.
"You can't make up for the times we never had Maria! You may of saved my child from dying but you didn't save me, I'm already dead or have you forgotten?" I ask bitterly.
"We may have not saved you before but how were we to know that you were going to run away? Just because you couldn't handle me and Tess together!" Max asks me coldly.
My eyes linger on Max as he looks at me intensely, the pain I feel inside is indescribable.
"I don't need this from you, I don't need to hear this from any of you! You all don't know what that fuck your talking about!" I scream as tears run down my face.
"Then why did you run away?" Maria asks, I can tell she wants to hear the answer as much as everybody else does.
"I have my reason," I whisper as I turn to walk out the door from the back.
Max grabs my wrist as he spins me around to face him, "Its daylight, besides your not going anywhere until we get answers!" he says firmly.
"What are you going to do about it?" I ask as I pull my wrist out of his grasp. He pushes me into a chair as he puts his arms on my shoulders, "This." I stare at him and then around the room.
"You really think I will tell you the whole truth? You all must be more naive then I thought," I say angrily. I wipe away my dry tears as I lay back on the chair.
He looks at me, his expression is almost laughable, I can't read him, and I don't understand him anymore. My heart aches in more then one way. I feel like the ground is going to swallow me whole.
I then feel his lips on mine; I quickly pull away and slap him without thinking. I pull myself up but before I had a chance to escape, he puts his arms around me as I struggle to get away. I'm not about to give up, the wall that I've built around myself is still firmly in place and that is were it will remain. He once again puts his warm lips on mine as he tries to make a connection, to see past my brick wall.
He cant though, he needs a soul to see through my emotions, as do I. That is the only thing we had in common, was our soul and now I've taken that away from both of us. He slowly lets go, realising now that he will never be able to see me, not the way he once did. I fall on my knees with tears in my eyes, seeing everybody's just staring at me.
I reluctantly get up from my feet and run up stairs and into the bathroom without looking back. I slam the door shut and lock it, I find myself huddled in the corner next to the bath as I let my tears flow down my cheeks and onto the cold tiles. Now I know Max and I was never supposed to be, we are two different people...our destiny isn't what we make it out to be, it isn't what its ought to be.