Title: The Darkness
Author: JacquiJack
Rating: PG
Warnings: Spoilers for "1.10 - Raised By Another" and "1.11 - All the Best Cowboys Have Daddy Issues". Lots of angst, mature themes.
Summary: "I think about you. In this place." She thought about him, too…
Archive: Ask nicely.
Disclaimer: I do not own Lost or any of its characters. I am not associated with the show in any way, apart from being a hardcore fan.
"I think about you. In this place."
She thought about him, too. Every minute of the day, she would picture his face. Grinning madly, as his hand gently touched her belly, and felt the life inside of it. She remembered how he looked into her eyes as he smiled with joy and delight. If she hadn't have known better, she would have sworn it was the look of love.
Those were the happier memories. The happier looks. At night, the horrible ones bombarded her mind. The traumatic images that could not escape her thoughts, no matter how hard she tried to push them away. They only came back at night.
Like, the look of sheer terror that washed over his face before the blindfold was put on him.
The way two men put their hands over her mouth, stopping her from screaming out his name hysterically. The way they held her head still, making her stare at a space between two large, thick trees.
The way they tied a noose around his neck. The way they lifted him up while they tied the rope to a high branch. They way they let go of him. And moved away.
The way they let him dangle there. Struggle there. Not being able to breathe there. Slowly and painfully suffocating there.
The way he suddenly, finally, stopped struggling. Stopped moving. Stopped breathing.
The way he died.
And the way they made her watch.
His limp body, hanging down from the tree. His arms and legs hanging down like a rag doll. That was all she remembered clearly, before she blacked out. That was all she cared about though. It was the only thing she ever thought about.
Claire was here, without him. Charlie was gone, for good. And it was because of her.
She didn't know where she was. It was much like the caves back "home". She laughed bitterly at the thought of calling it that, but she guessed it was. Only these caves weren't as friendly. They were colder, darker, more sinister. And the company…
She had been tied up, in the corner of the cave. She could not get any direct sunlight, only see it glowing on the other side of the cave. It was impossible for her to move. Even if she did have the energy, the rope that bound her hands and feet really restricted her movements. She was also tied to some tree or plant, she didn't really know. She had never seen it, and it hurt too much to turn around and try and look at it. All she knew was that its leaves were brown, flaky and sharp, and the thorns pricked her back painfully if she moved too fast. If she said anything offensive or asked too many questions, Ethan would just slap her across the face. Eventually, she just stopped speaking at all. Her mind was too preoccupied with the thoughts racing through her head; Claire herself could barely keep up.
One of the ways she tried to distract herself from thinking about Charlie was trying to guess where the hell she was. She was thinking somewhere inland. She couldn't hear the waves, crashing into the sand and dragging it away with the water.
She liked the beach. Of course she did, she was Australian. She practically grew up on the beach. She remembered being six years old and walking along Bondi Beach with her mother. They'd walk in the cool water – not too deep, they would still be wearing their normal clothes and didn't want them to get wet – and jump the small waves as the water made its way to the shore. Then they would walk back on the fine sand, dodging the tanning sunbathers and picking up shells. When the sand became too hot for her, her mother would give her a piggyback until they reached the cement part again at the top. They would laugh, and they would be happy. That was one of Claire's fondest memories. She and her mother did not have the best relationship now, but remembering those times almost made her forget that.
There was something about the beach that was so peaceful, so soothing. In some unknown way, it calmed her down. Her mind was at complete ease when she was near the ocean. She didn't care about sand fleas, or the heat, or the tide, or anything. All she cared about was the sound of the sea breeze, coming from all directions. The way the water moved, the swash and backwash of the waves. How it curled up before it crashed. The water may have been considered an enemy to most after that girl drowned all those weeks ago, but to Claire it was a great friend and a great comfort. On the island, she only felt safe when she was on the beach or when she was with Charlie.
If she had stayed at the beach, none of this would have happened. She would still be sitting in that airplane chair, with her little hat on, writing in her journal and talking to him. He would still be alive, making the greatest peanut butter she had ever tasted, bringing her water and not failing to bring a smile to her face.
She knew he liked her. That brief moment in the jungle where he brought her tea confirmed it, even if she had ruined it by blowing him off. He was the only one who had believed her about the "nightmares", and that meant so much to her. She wanted to tell him how she felt, how grateful she was that he was there with her, for her. But then the next thing came along, and there were new issues to address. And Claire would just think "Another time. I'll tell him another time."
But there was no other time. And now it was too late.
"I won't leave you Claire. I promise."
He did leave her. He promised he wouldn't, but he did. But Claire wasn't angry. How could she be? How could she be mad at the guy she loved, when in fact it was her fault he 'left her' in the first place? He wanted to stick to his word, to protect her and her baby, and he ended up losing his life because of it. Claire had been right before, he did want to rescue her and her unborn baby. Only not in the way she had originally thought. Charlie wasn't your stereotypical hero, nor did he pretend to be. Jack had been given that role on the island. But Charlie was a hero in his own right, and Claire was greatly upset at the thought that noone would know that. That noone would know what he had done.
Claire thought about this every night. It had become a routine. She tried to put her mind off him by thinking of other things, anything. But her thoughts always strayed back to either Charlie or her baby. And both of these topics hurt to think about. It hurt her back. It hurt her head. It hurt her heart.
She turned her head to her right. The white glow of the sun was now turning orange. She knew it was sunset; soon night would fall. She knew what was coming, and not a bit of her looked forward to it. The bad thoughts would return soon, more vivid and painful than ever.
Darkness awaited her.