Disclaimer: This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.
Summary: During her time in prison, Bellatrix thinks about love and loyalty, her faith in Lord Voldemort, her relationship to Rodolphus and the reason why Azkaban did not make her go mad.
Author´s Note: This One-Shot is meant to give a little insight into Bella´s thoughts - I found it very interesting to put myself into my favourite Death Eater´s way of thinking (don´t get me wrong, her cousin is one of my favourite characters, but I think, both characters have their own charm :)).
Many thanks to Vidya for beta reading!
Beneath the Dark Mark
The wind drives cold air into the tiny cell, but I hardly feel it. It is always cold in Azkaban. No matter which season prevails outside, inside here you live in an eternal winter.
I do not know how many dementors reside here, for I can see only two or three of them from my cell. But judging from the icy feeling they spread in my veins, there must be dozens, even hundreds of them. They always stop and reach toward me with their greyish fingers as they glide up and down the hallways. They have already sucked away my happy memories; now they want my soul as well. I believe they would love to administer one of their kisses to me.
It is surprising how little I care about that. But happiness is an emotion foreign to my heart. There probably wasn't a lot inside me that these cloaked figures could feed off anyway. Maybe that's why they pass by my cell so often. They believe there must be something I withhold from them. A glimmer of happiness, a ray of warmth. They are wrong.
My heart worships and strives for power. These are no happy thoughts because they don´t satisfy me. I´m sitting here, run in behind walls, buried alive in Azkaban. Bars separate me from the world outside and I am helpless. This thought is distressing but nevertheless it keeps me alive. Without it, I would have crossed the threshold of despair a long time back, like most of the people here already have. They have forgotten who they are, where they are and why they actually came here. Their world has become restricted to their cells´ few square metres, their everyday life to coldness, loneliness and lethargy. Most of them go mad. Without any memory of happiness they can´t exist. They are suffering just like me, I know, yet I do not pity them. I believe them to be weak, unfaithful creatures. They have forgotten what they live for and who they signed this life to. I have never forgotten. I know about the blood flowing in my veins, the pure blood, and I know what it makes me to. I know what I live for and even the dementors can´t extinguish that thought.
My name is Bellatrix Lestrange. I am a Death Eater and my destiny is in Lord Voldemort´s hands. I have sworn loyalty to him; I live to serve him. My heart is filled with a deep respect for the Dark Lord, the greatest wizard of all time. My life belongs to him. Only I have been loyal, even after his power had faded away. I was convinced that he would rise again and I am even now. I will never deny my devotion. No prison, no dementor, not even a curse could make me betray my Lord. This thought fills me with pride. Lord Voldemort will return to power someday. We will be united again and then he will realise that I alone have been loyal. He will reward me more lavishly than anyone else. I, Bella, have always been the Dark Lord's favourite servant.
Maybe it´s a kind of love I feel for him? Is it love, when you would do anything for somebody? Anything without questioning? When you believe in somebody so strongly that you accept years of loneliness and coldness in Azkaban for him? I wouldn't know. But this kind of awe, of totally submission is the only lovelike feeling I ever got to know.
I should be careful not to indicate such things in Rodolphus´ presence. Anytime, I mean, when we see each other again. This marrying out of love, as he calls it, is the greatest absurdity I ever came across. I simply cannot understand it. Of course it´s important that you somehow fit in with the person you will spend your life with. But by fitting together I understand something completely different than he does. Rodolphus is a pureblood and he takes the right side - the Dark Lord´s one. He was acceptable, and besides he adores me as though I were a goddess. So why shouldn´t I have married him? Yet sometimes his admiration grates on my nerves. He behaved like a barnacle, had done everything for his beautiful Bellé ... Not that I have something against being honoured but in my opinion he would have done better to sacrifice his love to Lord Voldemort. Rodolphus is no coward, I know that well. A coward has never received my word of consent. Nevertheless, on that day we were in the courtroom he could at least have opened his mouth. It was fourteen years ago, but it was the last time I saw him and it became imprinted in my memory. I was the only one defending our Master. I swore my loyalty to him and I will keep my word. Whatever Rodolphus does, he will never possess me as much as my Lord does. He will never be Lord Voldemort´s equal in my eyes. I do not love Rodolphus - I never did.
Of course, I should be glad about this. My Master taught me to become immune to every feeling that could make me become weak and vulnerable. There are no good and bad feelings, there is even no good and bad. There is only power - and weakness. I am extremely grateful to my Lord for bestowing this knowledge upon me.
I have always been his favourite student. Sometime he will take over the world, wizarding and Muggle, and I will be by his side and share in his power. He gave me this promise many years ago. I know I had been young and pretty then and Azkaban will most certainly leave a mark, but my master told me once, it isn't the outward appearance, but the interior that counts. And my interior is mighty ... and will serve him forever.
The wind carries the low sound of the sea's roar into my ear, and moonlight flows in through the window. A strange feeling tells me that my days in Azkaban are numbered. My master will force open the walls and bring me back from exile and I will taste the air of freedom once again. I can imagine the clear night sky above me. The stars seem to form a new constellation in my mind's eye, a glowing constellation of emerald green light. I can almost see the colossal skull, the snake rising from its mouth. The sign of the Dark Lord. A smile flashes over my face. The day of my resurrection is not too far away. Soon I will rise from this dark prison and be with Lord Voldemort once more. All the Death Eaters will be reunited. Beneath the Dark Mark.
-end-