Woo, this is kind of late. That's the magic of finals, I guess. Sorry that it's short. Parts of this chapter were influenced by LinaFriend's tour-de-force "Nightmares in the Apocalypse," which you should definitely read if you can still find it.

Klutz82 - He made the right decision. ;) And even Zel can cry, if pushed far enough, long enough. Hee!
Lyra Pelgina - No no, that's Gourry, the surprising voice of reason. ;) He keeps it under wraps, you know? And thank you so much! I'm really glad you've enjoyed it. It's a very special story for me. !! Would you really review my other stuff? I'd like that so much! I don't think anyone reads them anymore!
Kristall - Sorry for the delay! Finals and lots of papers to write... You'll get some sense of Amelia's change here, but more will come in the next chapter. Aww...I'm not the best, but you're way too kind. ;)
Hoshi-chan1 - Oh, there's quite a bit more to go, don't worry. ;)
Gerao-A - Do you think so? Hmm...that would be a secret, it would.
Seygram 13 - Ah, QP's site. Of course. Man it's been a long time since I was there. Still, even if you are just gathering facts, it's really great to know that you're interested enough to look into it. And you have Xellos down. ;) Why else would he be so helpful if he didn't have a plan like that up his sleeve? Amelia ends up a little different than that, but you can bet Seyruun probably won't be too happy. Heh heh heh...

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Part XVI- Back to Me

"Even in our sleep, pain which cannot forget falls drop by drop upon the heart, until in our lonely despair of God's will comes wisdom, through the awful grace of God."
- Aeschylus

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It hurt.

Oh, it hurt so badly.

Nothing but ocean and sky, nothing but the hiss of the wind outside the spell bubble.

No one would know if he died out here and dropped into the water, no one would find him.

It hurt.

But it hurt for her, and so it was all right.

He had no idea how long he'd been flying, only that it had been hours upon hours, and he'd never held up a spell for this long. He was sure this was what Filia must have felt like when they kept urging her faster in their pursuit of Dark Star.

He wanted to throw up the blood of over-exertion that was clogging his throat.

He wanted to just let go and sleep forever.

But he wanted Amelia.

And that want canceled out everything else.

He had to get to her.

Come on, Graywords, pull yourself together. It can't be that much farther.

Except that it was. Day became night became day and he was still flying.

Food...how long had it been since he'd eaten?

Tired...how many days had it been since he'd slept?

Amelia...how much had it taken to make him see that he loved her?

It had taken more time and effort than the other two, and so she won out again.

He suspected some of the fatigue came from the sickening inner trill of the scrapes the black sword had made in his stony skin. Mazoku sword... He would have to find a professional healer back in Merrid. Before or after Amelia? That was silly. After, of course.

Amelia was his number one priority, and he was not going to take another four months to get back to her.

But what was he going to say to her? How could he start?

I can't just walk in and say "Amelia, I think you should know that I..." It just isn't that easy. There's too much that needs to be said before that.

And so he thought about what he needed to stay, and the ocean waves moved methodically underneath him.

He kept flying until he was sure his lungs would explode.

He kept going until he could hardly see.

Was Amelia worth not breathing, not seeing?

She was worth more than anything, and he'd been given this blessed second chance to see that.

And she was going to know that.

And so he kept flying.

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I... exist...

Existence is a state of being, not a state of mind, for I understand that I have existed although I was not me.

I... don't understand...

Comprehension comes only with analysis, and analysis will take time. I will have to have it explained to me.

But... who will explain?

The people who will explain are the people who have caused me to be again. They are my friends and family.

Was it... them?

It had to be them. There was no one else. They had the power to bring me back into myself.

And yet... not myself...

I am changed. I had to be changed in order to come back to a world that is not the same one I left.

I lived... in nightmare.

I dreamt things that would have sent dreamers into mad convulsions. I dreamt things that made me want to cry.

I still... want to cry...

But I want to cry safe in the arms of someone who knows me. Knows me for what I was and what I am now. Knows me and accepts me for it.

Dare I... hope?

Hope is what kept me alive in dark places. Hope is all I have. The last time I abandoned it, look what happened to me.

Does hope permit...anger?

Am I still angry?

Am I still angry?

Anger... fear... hate... I remember...

Am I still angry?

Do I remember... love?

If I can remember his face when his face meant love, then I remember it. Am I still angry?

When I wake up... I'll know...

Amelia's eyes fluttered for a moment, and then closed fully again.

But not yet.

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The ground.

Thank every god that ever existed, the ground.

Merrid never looked so good.

Zel let the spell bubble dissolve around him, then collapsed against the side of one of the small town's buildings.

He'd left his cloak back in Dynast's castle, and it was freezing.

He'd made a two week trip in one night and two days, and he was sick from the journey and his injuries.

He needed Amelia. If this was going to kill him, he had to see her before he died.

Well, he knew he wasn't going to die, but... stupid legs, why didn't they want to hold him up?

More than shaking, he stumbled out into the main drag, stopping the first person that he saw.

"The...infirmary?"

The middle-aged woman took one look at him -covered in blood, dirty, dishelved, half-mad- and backed away a little.

"There really isn't an official one."

"Wha..but...there's a...a girl..." Zel didn't know how much longer he'd be able to speak coherently. Everything was jumbled and screamed for the bliss of sleep. "Sick...Where..."

She backed up a little more, but pointed behind her to one of the inns.

"Arika...the owner of the inn...she's a healer. Everyone who's sick goes there..."

Zel didn't even bother to thank her, but sprinted as well as he could to the inn, staggered to the bar, and rasped the same statement again.

"There's ...a girl...black hair...sick?"

"Ah..." the man -no, boy- behind the counter regarded him strangely. "You'll have to ask mom."

"Hmm?" the woman herself - very attractive in her late forties- entered the room from a door off to the side. "Is there a problem?"

"This man here-"

"A girl..." the effort brought tears to Zel's eyes. "Black hair...Here?"

"Pretty thing? Late teens? A man with purple hair brought her...in?"

Arika's sentence turned into a startled question as Zel's legs decided to give up and he slid to the floor.

"Thank...gods..."he tried to pull himself back up. "See... her..."

"I think you need a bit of healing yourself." she knelt down at his side and tried to pull him up.

"Nono..."he mumbled. "I've got it..." The door she'd come through must have been the way to Amelia. If he could make it there...

Fate decided it would let him, and he half-ran, half-fell to the door, pushed it open, and managed to make it to Amelia's bed before collapsing on the side.

She was breathing.

She was asleep and flushed with fever, but she was breathing, thank L-sama. He'd made it.

And then Zel passed out.