A Desperate Cry For Help

Ellie walked into the house, tossing the keys on the table by the door as she walked into the living room. Her mind was racing with so many thoughts. Why did he call? Why didn't he say anything? Why, why why? She knew there was no way to get the answers of which she so desperately wanted. But it was not going to change her from her numerous attempts and answering these questions herself. It was one thing when Sean told her he had to stay in Wasaga, it hurt but she did try her best to understand his position. He was in pain, agony even. He was letting the guilt he felt tear him apart and he could not handle everyone calling him a hero. While Ellie true believes that he is just that, just the simple fact that Sean wrestled with a armed gunman to get control of the weapon and prevent him from hurting another person...it is what made him the hero the world sees him as. But for him he is the exact opposit of this hero. Because when he fought with Rick for that gun it went off and Rick died. Ellie understands the pain he must feel but she just wishes he would understand the good in his actions. Something he can not seem to allow himself to do.

Ellie turned as she heard the sound of the phone ringing. Walking over to it she looked down, not sure weather or not she should answer. If she picked up that phone and whoever was on the other end did not speak, it would crush her. Because she would know who it was she would know it was Sean and he couldn't talk to her. Just that thought alone is enough to make Ellie want to cry.

As the phone continues to ring she takes a deep breath, closing her eyes as she picks up the phone, putting it up to her ear.

"He-Hello...?" She asked softly.

Again, nothing. But this time she heard something. Something more then breathing. It took her a minute before she recognized the noise, it was whimpering..crying...crying that was all too familiar to her.

"M-Mom?" She asked, hesititating as she prayed she was wrong, it cant be. It just can't be her.

"Ellie." The sound of her mothers crying made Ellie's heart pratically stop beating, she felt as the ice cold fear began to sink throughout her entire body, her mother would not call her crying unless something had gone really wrong. And right now all she could do was think the worst.

"Mom.." Ellie asked, a tear rolling down her cheek as she made her way to the couch, sitting down she prepared herself for the news she already knew was coming.

"Eleanore...Th-...They said he...he died..a hero." Her mother whimpered.

Ellie dropped the phone as her mother finished the sentence. She did not need to ask her what she was talking about or who. She knew she was talking about her father. All Ellie could do at this point was cry, hysterically cry.

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Sean stared down at the phone, as he heard the dial tone, signaling that she had hung up on him. He has been calling her everyday now yet has not said a word, he's not stupid and neither is Ellie. He knows that she is fully aware that he is the one who keeps calling, and while she could easily just ignore the phone calls, hang up and move on...she refuses to do so, she continues to answer, and everyday they sit on the phone for a good five minutes, the thick tension filled silence between them almost bringing Sean closer to tears every time he hears her voice, everytime he hears her say his name, her voice full of such pain and despartation...Sean wants nothing more then to respond to her, and tell her he is coming home. Yet that is the one thing he can not do. Which is why he refuses to speak.

"Sean. Yo." Sean looked up as he saw Josh, his old friend from before he left, approching him. Sean and Josh used to be best friends. They would do just about everything together, Josh was more of a brother then Tracker was. He was the one who always had Sean's back, he was the one who pulled Sean off of Tyler that fateful day and he was the one who tried to convince Sean to run before the cops came. While the two friends have not spoken much in the four years that Sean lived in Degrassi, when he returned to town he was pleased at the fact that Josh was not going to turn his back on him and let the past ruin their once perfect friendship, when he saw Josh for the first time it was as if the past four years have never happened. They were friends again and they ignored what happened before.

"Hey man." Sean said as he cleared his throat, the lump that always rises in his throat when he hears her voice continues to rise even today.

"What are you doing out here?" Josh asked as he stepped up to where Sean was standing near the shore.

"Uh..just..making a call." Sean said as he held up the phone.

"It's really only considered making a call if you actually speak." Josh said, shooting him the same smirk he always does.

Sean understands Josh thinks that he is crazy, after all it is a little bit stupid to continue calling your girlfriend..or..ex-girlfriend or..whatever him and Ellie are..and not even speak. Especially knowing that you are only hurting her by doing so.

Yet no matter how hard he tries he can never form the words to express how truely sorry he is for hurting her. Because there are none.

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Ellie lifted her head from the couch as the sound of knocking on the door woke her from her not so deep slumber. Looking around the now dark room, she prayed the past several hours were nothing short of a dream..no make that a nightmare. Yet when she raised her hand to rub her eyes she felt the sticky feel of the dried tears on her cheek, as she realized it was not a dream. It was real. Her father had died and left her all alone, just another person in her life to leave her all alone with nothing else but the vacant memory of who he once was.

"ELLIE!" The sound of Marco's persistent voice filled the air as Ellie dragged herself off the couch.

She took a deep breath as she quickly made sure her face did not look as red and puffy as it did just seconds ago. Running her fingers over her hair as to try and make it look a little bit neater then it did, she placed her hand on the doorknob. After taking one final deep breath she turned the knob slightly and opened it to reveal Marco standing on the other side, a look of confusion on his face.

"Why did you run off like that?" Marco asked as he pushed his way inside, without as much as waiting for an invite. That is Marco though.

"Yeah sorry about that I wasn't feeling too good." Ellie replied to him, trying to remain as calm as she could.

"He called you again didn't he?" Marco asked, turning to face her.

"I don't even know if it was him. It was probably just a wrong number." she know it was him. He's just too chicken to face up to how wrong he was for leaving you in the dust like that I don't even know why you give him the time of day anymore I mean-"

"Marco." Ellie cut in. "Leave it alone, ok?" She insisted.

Marco didn't speak as he nodded, knowing that she was serious.

"Look I'm really tired can I talk to you tomorrow?" She asked him.

"Are you sure? I can stay over if you want.." He replied.

"No really. I'm ok. I just want to go to sleep."

"Ok." Marco said as he looked at her. "But if you need anything..call me ok?" He asked.

"Yeah. I promise." Ellie said as she plastered a fake smile on her face while she led him to the door.

"Ok. I'll see you tomorrow." Marco replied as he stepped outside.

Ellie closed the door behind him, as she leaned her back against the door she could feel as the tears began to fall again. This time she was not going to let herself cry, she already cried enough for one night.

She slid down the door until she came to a rest on the ground, her back pressed tightly up against the door as she closed her eyes tightly, trying to keep the tears away, yet one stray managed to find a trail down her cheek. She opened her eyes as she looked down at her arm, the sleeve to her shirt had been slightly rolled up and just enough for her to see the scars from the last time she had cut.

As she lifted her arm off the ground, her eyes rested on the scar, rolling her sleeve up even more as she lightly touched one, suddenly her mind was flooded with memories but one in particular. Her eyes began to well with even more tears as she remembered that day on the roof of the school, the look on Sean's face when she showed him the scars..the feel of his fingers touching each and everyone of them as he slowly moved his hand up her arm, to her wrist and took her hand in his. The way they locked eyes, his eyes were so warm and comforting, and the way he held her hand so tightly as if he was telling her without using words..that he was here for her. That he would ALWAYS be there for her..and then he left.

Ellie looked down at the scars, her head now clouded with thoughts, temptations...as she remembered the way it felt when the cold metal blade would slide across her flesh. The impact of the knife, how gently she held the handle and how easily the blade had cut her skin, almost as if she was cutting butter. The pain was slow and intense, yet at the same time it was a relief. It was the release she was looking for. When she would lift the sharp piece of metal from her skin and watch as the blood began to flow freely from the wound and down her arm it was as if she had been holding her breath for hours and when the wound opened..she could breath again. And it was the only thing that made sense to her.

Ellie pushed herself to her feet as she stormed into the kitchen. Looking around she frantically searched all the draws, searching for the sharp instrument that once caused her to feel that freedom she so desperately yearned for at this moment. As she opened every drawer, she could not find it. Realizing Sean must have disposed of it. Finally she pulled open the drawer with all the silverware...her eyes rested on the sharp stake knife that sat alone in the far corner of the drawer. It was separate from the rest of the utensils as if it had crawled over to the vacant corner and waited patiently for her to come along and find it again, as if it had been waiting for her all along knowing some day she could come crawling back for that slight pain.

Ellie picked up the knife as she examined the sharp blade. Looking down the knife was so clean that she found herself getting lost in her reflection that bounced off the blade. With her hand that was holding the knife, Ellie wiped her tears on her arm, as she took another deep breath. Swallowing the lump in her throat. The fear began to creep into her stomach, as she got that same sick feeling she used to get every time at just the sight of a blade. It was the feeling you get when you are seasick or carsick. As if you have the urge to throw up and yet you can't, even if you tried you would not be able too. For some it was an uncomfortable feeling, but for Ellie it was almost as comforting as her mothers arms wrapped around her. It was a feeling she both wanted and was disgusted at, at the same time.

"Don't think. Just do." She found herself whimpering as she placed the blade to her skin. The feel of the cold, sharp metal made her shiver as she wrapped her hand tightly around the wooden handle. Staring at the blade, Ellie slowly found herself dragging it across the skin, with every inch it moved she could feel the warm sticky liquid seep onto her arm. Finally after making a scar no bigger then the size of your average toothpick, Ellie dropped the knife to the ground, it fell to the ground just inches from her foot, yet that was not her main concern. Ellie found herself sobbing hysterically now as she walked over to the sink and watched as the thick stream of blood turned into an ocean as it hit the sink, causing the beautifully white plate to turn a crimson shade of red. She stood over the sink, her stomach growling and her heart beating as she watched the blood drip onto the plate.

Ellie collapsed on the ground, grabbing her legs as she pushed them up against her chest, wrapping her arms around them tightly as she buried her head in her legs...and cried.