Eiji told himself he was walking aimlessly, but he knew that the forward motion of his legs was being governed by one thing. He had to escape that smile, those words, the look in Oishi's eyes that seemed to confirm everything he feared the most. Oishi had been angry with him, this much was clear. Anger he could deal with, but…the look in Oishi's eyes had been of disapproval, of honest disappointment. He was sure that it was this look that had hurt most of all. He couldn't figure out how it had turned out this way. Oishi was back now. Everything was supposed to be fine.
He was aware suddenly of how his optimistic outlook on everything sometimes made the reality of the situation that much worse. Before he allowed himself to dwell on this too much though, he felt a familiar tug of childish denial in the corners of his mind, pulling his thoughts to a more comfortable place.
He really had to decide where it was he was walking to.
There had to be somewhere to go. If he managed to stay out late enough, he could slip in after dark to his bedroom without seeing anyone, he was thinking. But he didn't feel like eating, and the shops would be closing soon. He thought about Fuji's house, but decided against it quickly. Besides, he realized, even if he stayed out late, he just couldn't imagine that when he did get home there wouldn't be someone awake.
Suddenly he stopped in his tracks, realizing where he had ended up. The streetlights around him hummed, casting a soft light on the empty playground. The swing set was new, he realized, sitting down. He tested it a bit, for good measure, recognizing the familiar squeak that came when he moved back and forth. A memory of himself as a child brought a slight smile to his lips. He had had a lot of fun here.
That's right. He realized something all of the sudden. This is where it probably started.
He had been small when he was younger - always the smallest in his class, and in his family - so he had had a hard time in elementary school. But it didn't take him long to figure out what his talents were, and how to use them to his advantage. Most of his first tricks, which had eventually developed into the acrobatics that he performed so easily now, had gotten their start here.
His energetic personality had developed here too, as he learned that he could ward off nearly any attack or insult by showing off his strange and unpredictable acts of pliancy, most of which seemed to defy gravity, as well as common sense. His honest, unflinching smile hadn't hurt him either.
By the beginning of junior high, it was understood that Eiji would always be smiling and laughing, no matter what. When he was happy, which was nearly all the time, his cheerfulness rubbed off on the people around him, to the point where his enthusiasm could easily be called infectious. Before he knew it, he was popular, and always surrounded by friends.
It was his acrobatics though, that had led him to tennis, to Seigaku, to becoming one half of the school's famous doubles team. His acrobatics had taken him to the Nationals last year, and earned Oishi and him the title of Golden Pair. Thoughts coming full circle,Eiji let out the breath he had been holding, his nostalgic mood fading quickly.
Oishi…Oishi was supposed to be the one who knew him best. Oishi was supposed to know the answers to everything.
It was getting dark now, and Eiji wondered how long he had been sitting there. He was trying not to replay his conversation with Oishi in his mind but he couldn't help it.
"You're always off in your own world…But like I said, I know how you are, I'm used to it."
Is that really true? Is that how he sees me?
He just couldn't push it away anymore, and a feeling of hopelessness seemed to fill him completely, replacing the tension he had been carrying around for the past week. Things were supposed to be fixed by now, and he honestly didn't know what to do next. With Oishi gone, it had felt like part of him was missing…but he had been sure that when he saw Oishi again, when he talked to him, that everything would be fine.
He was starting to panic, as he thought of how he really had no idea how to act now, at school the next day, and more importantly, at tennis practice. Now that Oishi was back, it would be really strange if things weren't as they always had been between them. He thought about the people in the hallway who had been staring at them. He didn't care about them, but tomorrow, at practice…his friends would ask questions. Oishi would probably forget about their argument, but…
Why didn't I realize that I wouldn't be able to tell him?
He was crying now, his shoulders shaking, his body giving in to a pull on his emotions that was so strong it threatened to drag him under. He realized something, in an instant that seemed to stretch and illuminate every memory that had meant something to him in the past few years. From the day he had stepped onto the court and smiled brightly at his new partner, to the exhilaration they shared after winning each match, and every moment in between - even the blinding, painful realization last week that had started this whole thing – it was all right there, in precise detail. It was suddenly so…obvious.
This overwhelming bond of friendship, and this unspoken desire to fill the distance between two people. It was real. It was the most important thing. It was everything, Eiji realized. Without a doubt, it was everything.
"Oishi, what should I do?" He said the words out loud.
……………………………………………………………….
Oishi felt his heart stop for a second. He had been watching Eiji the whole time, and had been considering approaching him, but as he heard these words he froze.
He immediately regretted his decision to follow Eiji. Why hadn't he just ignored it, this feeling that had compelled him to turn around, as he heard Eiji's footsteps echoing down the hallway. It had almost seemed outside of his control. He told himself now that he had just been curious, because it was unlike Eiji to lie, even about something so small…
But now, he had seen something that he shouldn't have. He had no idea how to deal with this, or what this could possibly mean. When a thought surfaced, suggesting that maybe that he did know, it was buried immediately, by Oishi's practical side, which was reminding him that he had to extract himself from this situation as delicately as possible.
The best option seemed to be to just leave, disappear, and pretend this had never happened.
But something was pulling him back. This was Eiji. Eiji who was crying. Eiji who was upset, and Eiji who had just said his name with an intensity that caused a chill to run down his spine.
Oishi could feel his face getting hot. But he couldn't, he realized, he just couldn't be here anymore. His legs were paralyzed for a few seconds, but it didn't take him long to turn calmly and walk away, leaving the image of the playground and the person crying with disarming abandon as just that, an image. Oishi was aware that it was uncharacteristic of him to react like this, to abandon someone who so obviously needed him, especially when this person was a friend. Though he came up with several convincing reasons for his decision, he couldn't deny the fact that the further he got from Eiji, the more it felt like a betrayal.
……………………………………..
When Eiji finally arrived home, he was completely drained. He had used the long walk to force himself to stop thinking, to stop crying, to stop trying to find a solution to this impossibly huge problem. It would just have to wait until later because…well, mostly because he was just tired. He wasn't used to being depressed, to being drained of his energy for any reason other than physical exhaustion. He was sure it didn't suit him at all, and besides, he knew he would have to stop acting like this sooner or later. He would have to face a lot of people in school the next day. He figured he might as well practice with his family.
But, it wasn't until he was half undressed for his bath that someone noticed he had come home. He couldn't help but allow this small piece of luck to cheer him up a bit. He murmured some form of agreement to the typical questions asked and exchanged good nights with his father through the bathroom door.
He listened to the sounds of his house, the muffled sound of the TV coming from his parents' room downstairs, someone thundering up the stairs and down the hallway past his room. He cringed as something crashed, hoping it hadn't come from the direction he thought it had.
Sinking into the bath, Eiji tried to relax. He felt like he had spent the last week in a sort of fog.Alone again, the thoughts were creeping back in. He couldn't believe it had only been just over a week ago since all of this had started. Well, he guessed he knew now that it had really started long before then.
He allowed his mind, with some hesitation, to trace back to the day Oishi collapsed on the court. He wondered, not for the first time, if he had been waiting for something like this all along. Maybe it had been inevitable, after all.
Eiji closed his eyes, seeing the events once again in a strange sort of slow motion.
………………………………………………………
One Week EarlierEiji had honestly had second thoughts about going out onto the court with Oishi that day. He had tried his best to persuade his friend to sit out the practice, but it just wasn't like Oishi to change his mind about something once he was set on it. And it wasn't like Eiji to turn down a chance to play doubles with Oishi.
It was Friday morning practice, and Oishi had been sick all week, but was typically pushing himself at practice, as he had been for several days, although he was visibly worn out. They were in the middle of their second practice match, and were changing courts. Eiji had gotten a few steps ahead of Oishi before he felt a slight pull on the back of his jersey. Eiji started to turn around, sensing that something was wrong, but before he knew it, Oishi was falling towards him, and they were both on their way to collapsing on the pavement.
The funny thing was, it was universally agreed upon that Eiji had the best balance on the team, to the point where it was almost unnatural. He couldn't even remember the last time he had tripped, or stumbled in the slightest way, on the court, or off. His whole playing style was based on his complete stability in any situation, in any possible position he could twist his body into. That was what made what happened next so completely absurd.
It happened in half a second, and no matter how many times Eiji replayed the scene in his mind, he couldn't figure out why he hadn't even tried to break their fall. At some point he had simply closed his eyes, and when he opened them again, he realized that he was lying on the court, flat on his back.
"I'm sorry, Eiji!" Oishi's voice was weak, and his face was flushed with color. He was breathing heavily. "I didn't know what else to do. I thought you'd catch me." He let out a small laugh.
Eiji looked down at himself and realized that his pants were ripped. He could see the stain of blood, soaking through the white cotton. Strangely, he hadn't felt the impact, and he couldn't feel any pain, even now.
He looked down at Oishi, who had landed almost completely on top of him, and felt something shift inside of him. Oishi's face, his hair, the shape of his arms - everything seemed different. Oishi was a completely different person to him, at that moment.
Out of the corner of his eye he could see people running towards them, and he was sure they were shouting, but he couldn't hear anything. He was aware of the weight of Oishi's body on top of him, but it didn't feel heavy. Oishi's skin was warm, where their arms were touching.Eiji told himself to get up, but he couldn't move.His heart was pounding, so hard he could barely breathe. Oishi had closed his eyes, and his head had fallen on Eiji's chest. Eiji could feel Oishi's body moving slightly with each breath. He concentrated on this rhythm, until his own breathing matched Oishi's exactly, the same way he coordinated his footwork with Oishi's during practice. He was sure he should be doing something, calling for help, or something, but his head was spinning. Being close to Oishi like this, he realized, made him happier than he could ever remember being. The last thing he remembered was thinking that he wanted everything to stay like this forever, that he never wanted to move.
Eiji found out later that they had both been unconscious when the ambulance came. He must have hit his head when they fell, though he didn't remember this. Oishi, as it turned out, didn't remember anything at all.
…………………………………………………………….
Eiji had suffered a slight concussion, and was released from the emergency room after a few hours. Fuji had stayed with him the whole time. From the time he had woken up in the ambulance all Eiji could think about was that everything just seemed wrong. He should have been with Oishi, or Oishi should have been here with him, not each of them, in the same hospital, apart. He might have said as much to Fuji, as they waited for the doctor, but he couldn't remember. Either way, he didn't care. He needed to see Oishi. He asked so many times, that finally Fuji convinced the doctors that Eiji could be trusted to stand quietly by Oishi's bed and not disturb him.
Eiji had listened, though not without interrupting several times, to Fuji, as he explained calmly what the doctors had told him. Oishi had pneumonia, and his condition probably could have been avoided had he not pushed himself so hard with tennis and school all week. As it was now, it was a moderate case, and since Oishi was generally healthy and in top physical condition, it was predicted he would be released from the hospital in several days.
As Eiji stood by Oishi's bed, looking down at his friend, who was sleeping peacefully as he always did, he frowned, thinking of how stupid he had been to agree to playing practice matches with Oishi when he had known how sick he was. He stared at Oishi for a while, going over in his mind all the things he should have done to prevent this. There was no way Oishi would have ever let this happen to him. All Eiji, or anyone, for that matter, had to do was sneeze, and Oishi was dragging them off to the nurse, or…
Oishi made a small noise, shifting his body slightly. And just like that, everything seemed to turn upside down again.
Everything Eiji had experienced on the court came back with pinpoint clarity. The weight of Oishi's body, his hair brushing Eiji's cheek, the warmth of his bare skin - it was making Eiji's legs shake, and he wondered if he would be able to keep his promise of not causing a disturbance and waking Oishi up.
He was suddenly terrified. There was no way he could hide something like this from Oishi. He would notice, and ask questions, and Eiji was bad at lying. Oishi would know that he fell on purpose because…because why? He had no idea, but he couldn't tell Oishi something weird like this. Oishi might even get angry. He couldn't imagine how he would be able to look his friend in the eye anymore.
The thought of a world where Oishi was actually and honestly angry at him, a world where he was not Oishi's friend, his doubles partner, the other half of the Golden Pair – suddenly this possibility flashed before Eiji. He thought for a second that he might be sick, or scream at the top of his lungs, or…
I refuse. I refuse to let anything change. It was that easy. It had to be.
…………………………………………………………………
The regulars had agreed to meet at the hospital to visit Oishi in the morning and Eiji was excited. He was always excited when he had any kind of plans, especially with the whole team. Besides he would get to see Oishi, and thinking of this brought a smile to his face. He wasn't having any trouble at all forgetting what had happened on the court, or how he had felt seeing Oishi again in the hospital. This was one of Eiji's many talents – being able to absolutely and completely live within the moment. It wasn't like him to dwell on anything, and he wasn't about to start now. It was just too weird, that he would not be able to act normal around Oishi. In fact, it was just plain ridiculous, he told himself, smiling.
That night, he baked two batches of cookies, his mother's special recipe. He knew Oishi would be happy. He always told Oishi that he couldn't ask his mom to make them every day or they wouldn't be her special cure-for-anything-recipe-cookies anymore. A brief moment of clarity for Eiji, he was sure Oishi had thought.
After his bath, he tried to sleep. It was the weekend coming up, and there were no matches, and after the incident at today's practice Ryuzaki-sensei had given them the weekend off.
He wondered what he would do after meeting the team. With no tennis, and Oishi in the hospital, his prospects seemed rather limited. He hated being bored, sitting still. Even now, he was completely filled with nervous energy. Maybe he could get Fuji or Momo to agree to a match…though he doubted it would be much fun without Oishi.
His mind kept coming back to the same place. He was worried. How could Oishi be sick? Oishi was never sick. If only he would take better care of himself, and realize that the world wouldn't stop if he took a day off school, or sat out a practice, Eiji was thinking, realizing his hands had curled into fists.
Oishi…. I'm so sorry. I should have realized you were too sick to play that match.
Something in the back of his mind was telling him not to think too much, about Oishi's body pressed again his on the court, about his knees shaking as he stood next to Oishi's bed. He pushed away what thoughts did surface.
Instead, he thought about what he could do to make Oishi feel better. He was sure seeing everyone would cheer Oishi up. Oishi didn't have a big family like he did, so the team was really important to him, he was thinking. For a second, Eiji found himself wishing that he didn't have to meet everyone, that he could visit Oishi alone. He realized how silly this was though. Of course I can visit him on my own if I want to…later…or tomorrow…or…
But maybe Oishi would even be back to school on Monday. He couldn't imagine what it would be like if he wasn't. Everything will be fine, he told himself. It had to be, because this was Oishi, this was his closest friend, this was the person he counted on for everything.
………………………………………….
The next day, he woke up late. When he arrived at the hospital, out of breath, Fuji spotted him first and graciously gave up his place in the impromptu line that had formed, with his usual all-knowing smile.
Tezuka had gone into Oishi's room first, and as Eiji watched the smile spread on Oishi's face as he talked to their captain, he felt his heart suddenly seize up.
In an instant, he felt something rising up inside of him, an overpowering anger that he felt like he almost couldn't control. He recognized the feeling immediately. I'm jealous. The realization came first as a shock, and then it somehow made perfect sense. I'm jealous of all of these people. Of everyone that he smiles at.
It made sense, but Eiji was ashamed of his thoughts at the same time. These were his friends, his teammates… There was no reason for him to feel like this. It seemed wrong for him to think this way. But he could feel his heart racing. And he knew exactly why…
Because he's there, Oishi's right there. And I want to be the only one that he smiles at like that. I want to be close to him. I want all of these people to leave…
When he was alone he could push these thoughts away, but with Oishi right there… He didn't even want to think about what would happen if he had to look Oishi in the face right now. He couldn't stand it anymore.
"I have to be somewhere, I just remembered." Eiji blurted the words out, not in the least bit aware of which teammate he was standing next to.
Momo stared at him in confusion. "But we just…"
"Sorry, sorry, but I have to go…I…um…" He was stammering miserably, but he should still be able to get out of this, he was thinking. After all, this was Momo…
He felt a hand on his shoulder. "Kikumaru-san…" Fuji. Oh no.
"AH! Fuji! Here…" He shoved the wrapped package of cookies at Fuji, without looking at his face. "Tell Oishi I'm sorry, ok?"
"Hmm." Fuji turned his head sideways, studying Eiji, who seemed to be ready to squirm out of his skin. Fuji smiled, curious.
"Nya! Fu-jii… stop looking at me like that! Please!" He gave Fuji a quick, fumbling bow of exit, not waiting for his response.
Eiji told himself when he got home that he would stop by the hospital tomorrow, or on the way home from school on Monday, but somehow that never happened. It was the same every day, until before he knew it, it was the weekend again.
………………………………………….
All week, Eiji had been almost literally sick with worry. He went to all his classes, he even took notes, reminding himself that he wouldn't be able to borrow Oishi's later since he wasn't there, but when he tried to study at night, he couldn't remember anything that he was supposed to have learned, and he could barely read his handwriting. He couldn't sleep.
Each day that passed just made it that much harder to justify visiting Oishi. He would have to explain why he hadn't come the day before, and… He just didn't know what to do. He was sure Oishi was mad, or hurt, and sometimes when he thought about that, it seemed like the whole world was crashing down around him. Still, it didn't make it any easier. He really wasn't used to being confused about anything, and it was making him more than a little irrational.
He was sure that most of his teammates wrote his moods off as him being worried about Oishi, which, in itself, was not uncommon or surprising. They probably thought it was strange that he never joined them to visit Oishi, but he didn't argue when several people indicated that they assumed he was visiting Oishi on his own, before school. After all, they were close friends, and this would make sense.
He felt like the whole week was all some kind of strange dream. In a way, time had seemed to stop, while at the same time, he knew the days were rushing by too quickly. It seemed that there was no time for him to react, or think, or anything, even though he spent all day and all night recycling the same thoughts over and over. It seemed so unfair, and everything seemed out of balance.
When he finally realized that he might not be able to fix the situation he was putting himself in, it felt like it was already too late.
He needed Oishi to come back. More than anything, he knew this was what he needed. He was sure that when Oishi came back, things would be fine. When Fuji told him that Oishi was expected back in school the next day, he had immediately planned his apology, relieved that things would go back to normal. He had planned to tell Oishi everything, because he really believed that since Oishi knew all the answers, and that he would know the answer to this.
Why didn't I realize that I would never be able to tell him?…………………………………………..
There was a knock on the bathroom door.
"Eiji!" It was his sister. He wondered how long he had been in the bath. "What are you doing in there?"
"Ah, sorry, sorry! I'm getting out now!" He jumped out of the bath, trying to dry off, and then hastily pulled his robe around his body.
Eiji opened the door, and watched the steam surround his sister's face as she leaned so close to him that he almost jumped.
"Nya, Aoi…" he whined. "You scared me…"
She stared at him for a second, and then poked him on the forehead, frowning. "Something's wrong with you. I'm going to take a bath and then you're going to tell me what it is, ok?"
"Eh?" Eiji sighed dramatically. "But I'm tired!" This was what he was trying to avoid. "And…" Eiji pouted, "There's nothing wrong with me." But he knew his protesting wouldn't do any good. Once Aoi made up her mind to get something out of him, she almost always got her way.
He did manage to scramble past her, and into his room at the end of the hall before she could say anything else though.
As he shut the door behind him, he sighed again. He caught a glimpse of his face in the mirror, and was surprised to see that his eyes were still slightly red and puffy. No wonder I couldn't escape Aoi…He had no idea what he would say to his sister. Part of him wanted to tell her everything. He knew she would understand, would try to make him feel better, but another part of him wanted desperately to protect his secret. Somehow, if he didn't tell anyone, it made what was happening to him that much less real. He closed his eyes. But how am I going to figure anything out, if I don't tell anyone?
Before he knew it, Aoi was knocking.
"Ok, I'm here, talk to me." Aoi smiled, grabbing a pillow and plopping down on the floor across from her brother. "And don't try this 'it's nothing' bullshit, because I know you, and it won't work."
She watched the smile fade from her brother's face, as he stared at the floor, shifting his weight uncomfortably.
"Come on, Eiji, I'm good at solving problems, remember?"
"Ok, ok." He sighed. There's no getting around it, I guess.
He took a deep breath, surprised that he was now almost eager to say what was on his mind.
"What would you do if you liked someone but you knew it would never work and that you could never tell them." He said the words quickly, and kept his face down, but he knew that he was turning red anyway.
"How do you know it won't work until you tell them?"
"Because I just know…"
Aoi rolled her eyes at this, before settling into her serious advice-giving mode.
"Well, then it depends." She watched her brother's face carefully. "Do you love this person?"
"Nya! Aoi! That's…well…" He should have known that his sister wasn't going to let him off easily with this. Still, a question like this, with no warning, was surprising, and he realized he had no idea how to respond.
Aoi was determined to make her brother answer, though she was fairly certain that she knew the answer to her question already, judging by the various shades of red that Eiji was turning. She smiled inside though; her brother in love was surely an interesting turn of events.
"Yes or no!" She fought the urge to laugh as she watched Eiji squirming around, trying to figure out how to answer.
Eiji was fighting to get the words out despite the fact that his throat was suddenly dry and there were what sounded like a million bells and whistles going off in his mind, distracting him, and making him wish he could disappear into the floor, sure that his face couldn't possibly turn any more colors.
"Yes!" he finally managed. "Of course! I mean, I don't really know…but…"
"But you've tried to forget about how you feel and you can't, right?"
Eiji nodded, his mind calming down, and settling back down into a fairly sane level of confusion.
"Then you have to confess."
He was silent for a second, and then he looked at Aoi, his face serious. "I can't. I can't do that." He said the words quietly.
"Sure you can, what do you have to lose, right? You have to!"
"No! Because I already know that it won't work. If I tell them, it will make everything worse, and…and I can't lose this person, I just can't."
"Eiji, is this person a friend of yours?"
Eiji felt his face getting hot again, and this time he could feel his eyes burning.
"Well, it's true that it makes it a lot harder if the person is a friend, but you still have to tell them. Your feelings won't just go away, and you'll just end up hurting yourself, and probably your friend too. This person…they should be able to listen to your feelings and give you an honest answer."
Aoi leaned in closer to her brother, trying to figure out the best way to help him. "Eiji, you can't control who you love, and love isn't something you're meant to keep to yourself. That's why it hurts, you know?"
"But this person, I don't think that…" Eiji chose the words carefully… "I don't think that they want…me. To like them. To tell them how I feel. I really don't think they want that. At all. And since I already know, there's no way I can risk…losing them."
"But it hurts, right? Not to tell them?"
"It…hurts. Of course it hurts…"
"Then…?"
"But it would hurt so much more…to lose that person. To have them hate me… And I so I can't."
Aoi seemed to ponder this for a second, and then smiled. "You know, Eiji, I have to say that you really surprised me…" She looked at her brother, taking in the look on his face, his body language, everything. She had never seen him this flustered before. "I just would never have expected it to be something like this. It's not like you at all. And you're so serious about it."
"I know."
She tried to ignore the completely dejected look on her brother's face. "That's why I'm absolutely sure that I'm not wrong about this! Eiji, you have to tell this person how you feel! You're not the kind of person who keeps secrets, who holds things inside. Especially something as important as love. It's a really good thing, to fall in love, and even if you're rejected, it's better than having regrets. Don't you think you would be happier knowing you were honest?"
"I don't know. Maybe…"
Aoi watched as her brother's face brightened a tiny bit. "Well, think about it. Seriously, just think about it, ok?"
"Ok."
"And smile, alright? Wow, I never thought I would have to tell you that..." She slouched down trying to see her brother's face. "Eiji?" She could see that his shoulders were shaking.
Pulling him close to her, she hugged him tightly, her voice taking on a protective level of concern. "Eiji, come on, ok? It's kind of scary to see you like this…"
Eiji was sniffling, trying to stop his tears. "I'm sorry…"
Aoi was slightly shocked. Eiji was so cheerful all the time, and she had always sort of envied him, for being able to maintain such a good attitude. She realized now how ridiculous it was to think this way about him. Of course, he's the same as everyone else…
After a minute or so, he pulled away from her, wiping his eyes, and apologizing again.
"Eiji, it's ok. Do you feel any better?"
"Sure…" He forced himself to smile. "Thanks Aoi. For listening to me…I'm sure it seems silly."
"Not at all! It's not silly at all, ok?"
………………………………………..
He did feel a little better, he realized after Aoi had left. He usually wasn't one to seek out advice, but, it did feel kind of good, to talk to someone.
Was it possible that Aoi was right? Already, he regretted a lot of things about the past week. Maybe that was the problem, after all. He didn't want to keep anything from Oishi, and he didn't want to regret anything else, either. But, there was no way he could think about it anymore tonight. As he closed his eyes, he promised himself that he would seriously think about what Aoi had said. Tomorrow.
………………………………………….
A/N: Chapter Two – finished! I know it's a lot longer than the first chapter, but I didn't want to break these parts up really, so…I hope it was ok. Please review, and let me know. Thanks for reading!