Disclaimer: This fic is rated R for language and sexual situations. You have been warned!
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How many ways to get what you want
I use the best I use the rest
I use the enemy I use anarchy cos I
I wanna be anarchy!
The only way to be!
~ From the song, "Anarchy in the U.K." by The Sex Pistols
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Chapter 5: Anarchy
"This is all your fucking fault, Potter!"
"Shut up and keep running, you stupid twat! They're gaining on us!"
Draco looked back at the spectacle of horror that was descending upon them. Dozens of crazed cupids were flying in Battle Formation, shooting little pink arrows at the frantic wizards running down the hallway. Harry cursed as an arrow went whizzing by his nose.
Both Harry and Draco were running in random zig-zag patterns, trying to confuse the cupids and avoid the rain of arrows.
Draco began murmuring under his breath as he sprinted.
"This will work like a Charm, he said. Nobody will recognize us in a Muggle hotel, he said." His voice rose in hysteria. "Leave it to me, he said . . . well bloody hell! If I make it out of here alive, I'll gladly kill you, Potter!" he shouted.
"Well, given that I have to spend the next few months in your company, I welcome Death!" yelled Harry back in frustration.
Suddenly an arrow found its mark, embedding itself in Draco's left butt cheek. He screeched to a halt and turned, a goofy grin on his face.
Forty-one teenaged witches squealed with delight as Draco began blowing kisses at them.
One of the young girls screamed, "It worked! It worked! The cupid got him!"
They'd been chasing Harry and Draco down the hall of the Muggle hotel with a reconnaissance force of cupids in tow and copies of Witch Weekly clutched in their sweaty little hands. Draco looked dreamily at the adoring throng.
"Groupies," muttered Harry. "Merlin help us." He quickly pulled out his wand and pointed at Draco. "Finite Incantatum," he said. Immediately Draco's face turned thunderous as he bellowed at Harry.
"You incompetent twit! You're supposed to be protecting me!"
Harry pulled him by the scruff of his shirt. "I said to keep running, you idiot! We're not out of it yet!" Behind them, they could hear a collective growl coming from the girls as the cupids reloaded their arrows.
Who knew that groupies could be so . . . well, so menacing? Draco was quite certain that he would rather have faced Lord Voldemort again then this gaggle of hormone-laden teenyboppers.
As they sprinted to the end of the hall, Harry turned sharply to the right, while Draco dove to the left. Harry ventured a peek from behind the corner, his wand pointed at the ready.
"Do something vicious," Draco encouraged him.
Harry shook his head. "I can't . . . they're just ickle witches! I don't want to hurt anyone." As Harry said this, a Binding Hex shot over his head, barely missing its mark.
Draco made a rude gesture at him. "You're fired, Potter! Fired! Fired! Fired!"
Ignoring him, Harry sighed and pointed his wand in the middle of the hallway, quietly murmuring a spell.
A very fine, yet very strong spider's web shot from his wand and spread itself across the hall, capturing some of the unfortunate cupids, while others stopped in mid-flight, bumping into each other and falling from the air. Several of the captured cupids began cursing at them in Greek and one of them even managed to shoot another arrow at Draco's peering head, although the little creature was hanging upside down, caught in the web's vice-like grip.
"Persistent little buggers," muttered Harry.
"Well, we'd better think of something else, quick. That web won't hold those persistent little buggers for long," sneered Draco.
"I'm thinking! I'm thinking!"
"What about the Safe House? There's supposed to be a Safe House! We can Apparate there."
"It's not secured yet, Malfoy. We had to leave so quickly that we didn't have time to get things in order."
Oh despair. Draco dropped his head in his hands. He'd been wrong. This wasn't Potter's fault at all.
It was Uncle Severus' fault. If he made it out of this with his dubious virtue intact, he was going to hex the Potions Master to within a centimetre of his wretched life.
Great idea, indeed.
The bloody bastard.
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Said bastard was actually quite satisfied with himself at that very moment, as he poured another brandy and settled himself before a roaring fire.
Warming the liquor with his hands, Severus swirled the snifter and contemplated the quick-moving events of the day. He took a dainty sip, savoring the feel of the brandy as it slid down his throat.
After his meeting with the Headmaster the previous night, Severus had come home to a quiet house and had gathered just enough energy to pull himself up the stairs to plop himself on his bed. Hermione had briefly stirred, reaching for him as he began to hastily undress.
"Thank heavens you're safe," she'd said quietly. He'd settled himself next to her and given her a brief kiss.
"Where's Draco?" he'd asked.
"He and Ginny are spending the night. You'll have time to speak to him in the morning, I'm sure. Obviously he needs to hear what he's up against."
"Your Magic Particle Spectometer worked beautifully, my love. We were able to identify the spell that was aimed at Malfoy and Albus and I have come up with a plan to keep him safe. I'm going to propose it to him in the morning," he'd muttered as he pulled her close.
"I'm sure you'll convince him to be sensible," she'd answered.
"I wouldn't count on it," he said, as sleep began to overtake him.
He'd dreamt of explosions and anarchy all night long.
Severus remembered finding his nephew early the following morning, a cup of steaming coffee clutched in the younger man's hands as he stood before the large window in the dining room. He'd paused to observe Draco as he stared out the window.
The boy was deep in thought and when he saw his uncle, he turned to study him. Severus noticed that Draco's chin was set and that his jaw had tightened. Malfoy finally broke the silence.
"I've been thinking about what happened last night and I've come to the conclusion that I need to bring the Ancient Houses into the fold. It's time to consolidate my power."
"Don't you think it's a little premature?"
Draco shook his head. "It's never too early. There is strength in numbers, after all."
Severus was quiet for a moment before answering, "Perhaps you're right. After what I discovered last night, you're going to need all the allies you can get."
"So what happened?"
Severus grunted as he sat down on the sofa. He knew that he was going to have to approach the subject rather delicately. "I intend to tell you everything, but first you must hand over your wand."
Draco's eyes narrowed in suspicion. "Whatever for?"
Severus lied smoothly. "I need to examine it to make sure that no Impediment Spells have been cast upon it."
Draco reluctantly handed it over. "If you say so. And quit being obtuse and just spit it out. What have you discovered?"
Severus tucked Draco's wand in his pocket before turning his attention to the blond wizard. In a quiet, steady voice, he told Draco of his meeting with Dumbledore and what he'd learned about the Antequam Eructo spell. Draco looked surprised, but remained silent while Severus outlined the events of the evening.
And then he came to the crux of the matter:
"We have come to the conclusion that you need a bodyguard, at least until such time as we can find a counter-spell to the Antequam Eructo."
"A bodyguard," said Draco slowly.
"We were thinking of Harry Potter."
"No fucking way."
Severus stood up and moved menacingly towards Draco. "You're a Slytherin, Malfoy . . . you know what that means. It means that you do whatever it takes to win."
Draco gave his uncle a haughty look. "I thought being a Slytherin means living by the motto, 'When all else fails, sneer.'" His lip curled to emphasize the point.
Severus shook his head in exasperation. "Do you think this is a game? Here's another saying to live by: Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate. And I'm quite certain that your enemies are accumulating as we speak."
Draco snorted. "All the more reason to gather the Ancient Houses together to test the waters. I have a plan . . . I haven't worked out the details, but it involves the distribution of vast amounts of land and money, as well as strategic political appointments. But first I have to listen to them . . . listen to what they want and listen to them speak of the direction they desire for this country. Then I can formulate a response. If there are enemies amongst them, I must allow them to come closer. It's the only way to root them out."
Severus sighed with relief. At least the boy was showing some sense. Then Draco completely unnerved him with his next comment.
"And Harry Potter is out of the loop. There's no way I'm spending any time with that self-important git."
"Be reasonable . . . "
"Hell no."
"You're being stupid, Malfoy."
"But I'm being royally stupid, which means I don't have to do anything I don't want to."
Severus let out a low growl. "Over my dead body, you little brat." He moved again threateningly towards Malfoy.
Draco pulled a wand from his sleeve and pointed it at one of Hermione's favorite flower vases, lifting it with a Wingardium Leviosa. It had been a wedding gift from her grandmother. The fragile vase quivered in the air.
"Stay where you are, Snape, or the little vase gets it!"
Severus pinched the bridge of his nose in frustration. Pulling out the wand he'd previously confiscated from Draco, he looked at it in confusion.
"I thought I'd disarmed you," he said despairingly.
"Ha! You're so obvious. Just try using it! I dare you!"
Snape pointed the wand at Draco. "Expelliarmus!" he bellowed. The wand immediately sprouted a bouquet of cheap-looking silk flowers.
"At least the Weasley twins are good for something besides keeping me out of their sister's underwear," Draco said smugly. "They have a genius for stupid gags. Bless them both, I say."
"Bugger and Blast!" muttered Severus. He was going to have to try a different tact.
A feminine voice had then interrupted his thoughts.
"Accio flower vase!" Hermione had shouted indignantly. The vase flew to her outstretched hand. She'd managed to sneak up on them and at that moment, she was glowering at Draco with an expression utterly reminiscent of their school days.
"Honestly Malfoy! Are you ever going to grow up? How dare you attack a defenseless vase!"
Draco had given her a childish pout.
"You don't know what he's proposing, Hermione! He actually thinks I'm going to spend the best part of my youth with that wanking, do-gooder of a Gryffindor. No offense, love," he'd added when he saw the angry look on her face. "But I'd rather suck dragon eggs."
"Hmmph!" Hermione said. "I do know what he's proposing and you'd do well to listen to Severus, you ungrateful prat."
Draco began to argue with her and Severus had finally reached his breaking point.
"Enough!" he'd yelled. "I've had enough of this nonsense!"
Draco, recognizing the look on his uncle's face, had tried to flee but it was too late.
"Petrificus totalis!" Severus roared, pointing an index finger at Draco.
Wandless magic was really a godsend at times.
Draco teetered precariously before tipping backwards to the floor. Severus gave him a self-satisfied smirk.
"What is it about Potter that makes a normally clear-headed monarch-to-be such a monumental dunderhead?" he'd complained loudly.
One thing about the Petrificus totalis was that it didn't seem to affect the eyelids. As if to demonstrate, Draco's eyes narrowed in frustrated anger, as he lay rigid.
"Don't bother answering," said Severus smoothly. "It was a rhetorical question."
He began to pace around Draco, prodding him with his foot.
"Are you prepared to give up?" he hissed at the prone figure. "Or perhaps you'd rather die. It can all be arranged. I'm very close to telling you to sod off, myself."
Draco made a couple of muffled noises and Severus was not surprised that he'd actually understood the phrase, "Fuck you," in that cacophony of sound.
"No, fuck you, Malfoy," he'd snarled. "You think I don't know how you're feeling? Nobody hated Potter more than I did, at one time. Not even you."
Draco fell immediately silent at his uncle's tone of voice.
"He was just like his father," spat Severus. "All arrogant and sure of himself. So bloody convinced that he could take everything upon his own shoulders and triumph. He made me sick every time I looked at him. I hated the fact that he even existed."
Hermione had blanched. Severus knew that she'd never heard such venom in his voice . . . not even when he'd railed against Voldemort and certainly not in all the years he'd spent blustering at his students. The closest he'd ever come to it in her presence was when he'd lost it in the Shrieking Shack during her third year.
Severus looked down at Draco and his voice softened.
"I hated Potter's guts, but I also saw his burden. I saw it at the end of his fifth year, when his rashness and stupidity was greatly responsible for Sirius Black's death. And I saw my own culpability . . . we were united in our misery, Potter and I. To be honest, I didn't give a rat's arse about Black, but I did care that I had one more death staining my soul. And as much misery as Potter had caused me, I'd caused him even more. I was partly responsible for the death of the one person that Harry Potter needed above all others. And I found absolutely no joy in it."
Severus' face twisted with regret before he continued.
"It was then that I realized that I'd wasted my malice and hatred on the boy," he said quietly.
The stillness of the room was deafening before Severus continued with his story.
"I saw Potter leaving the Headmaster's office the night we all thought that Sirius Black had died. He was muttering over and over and over again, "I'll make them pay. They'll all pay for what they've done."
He paused.
"And in that moment, I respected him. The following year he killed Bellatrix LeStrange while taunting Voldemort and my respect for him grew even more. And I finally realized that he's useful, which is more than I can say for the majority of humanity. He's a means to an end, Malfoy . . . and nothing more. You don't have to like him, but you do have to understand this about him: He will chose his fight and he will fight to the death. He'll protect you with his life, if need be. And he's shown himself to be remarkable at self-preservation. At this point, he's your best hope."
Draco was making strange noises, obviously struggling to say something. He was making the same two sounds, over and over again. Severus lifted a brow to Hermione, who just shrugged.
"I believe he's saying, 'oil can'," she said soberly.
She chuckled at Severus' inquiring expression. "Nevermind. I'll explain the Muggle reference later. In the meantime, I think it's safe to end the spell."
Severus reached for Malfoy's right hand. "I'm taking his wand just in case."
He bent to Draco's ear as he took the wand. "Potter has agreed to protect you with his life," he whispered harshly. "Now quit being a fool and take your potion like a man." He muttered the Finite Incantatum and Draco flexed his extremities before standing up.
"Under normal circumstances, I'd be calling for your execution, but seeing as you're only trying to help, I'll overlook it for now," he said snootily to Severus. "And by the way, I was saying, 'free me', not 'oil can.' You are utterly daft, Hermione."
Severus folded his arms to his chest. "Well?" he asked.
Draco let out an exaggerated huff. "Since you seem to have your heart set on this, then yes . . . I'll accept Potter as my (here he shuddered) bloody bodyguard."
Severus had given Draco an evil-looking grin. "An excellent decision, my Lord."
"But I intend to make his life miserable."
"Of course. It only stands to reason." Severus lips had twitched subtlety.
The last he'd seen of Malfoy that morning, the tow-headed wizard had been kissing Ginny Weasley, telling her that he'd find a way to smuggle her to wherever Potter was taking him. Not that Severus could blame him.
Snape was quite certain that after one day spent in Potter's company, Malfoy would need the kind of stress relief that only Ginny Weasley could provide. And given Potter's recent history with Miss Weasley, Draco was definitely going to enjoy rubbing it in the Gryffindor's face.
Severus would not begrudge Draco that, in the least.
Bringing his thoughts to the present, the Potions Master took a last sip of his brandy, before heading off to bed.
"I wonder how the heroic Harry Potter is faring with my blasted nephew?" he thought, as he climbed the stairs.
Little did he know.
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The heroic Harry Potter was not having a good time.
At all.
He was currently caught between a snarling Slytherin, a plague of insane cupids and dozens of slobbering groupies.
In fact, if this wasn't Hell, then it was pretty damned close.
And to make matters worse, the spider web was starting to quiver and soon, anarchy would reign supreme again.
Harry looked down the hallway behind him, noticing the doors to all the rooms. And then something clicked.
Hey, wait a minute.
"Follow me," he yelled at Draco. "I've got an idea!"
Draco immediately stood and went running across the intersection of the hallway. As he ran by, scores of pink arrows assailed him and he went diving towards Harry, doing a somersault as he landed. With a catlike grace, he sprang up, grinning as Harry rolled his eyes at him.
"He's secretly enjoying this, the little blighter," Harry thought savagely.
Harry and Draco began running down the hall and at the first door he encountered, Harry yelled, "Alohamora!" He opened the door, and peering inside, he was momentarily relieved to see that it was empty.
Just as he was pulling Draco to step inside, a middle-aged woman in a white terrycloth robe walked out of the bathroom, her grayish hair stuck up in several little ponytails. She had a very thick green, goo-like substance smeared all over her face and the only human thing they could make out from her features were her wide eyes and screaming mouth.
"Aaaaaah!" yelled Draco in unison with the woman, as they backed out of the room. Harry slammed the door and started running, while Draco followed, shouting, "That was the single most horrifying thing I've ever seen! And that includes my Death Eater days!"
"Alohamora!" roared Harry at the next door. As it opened, Harry noticed a very overweight man and woman on the large king-sized bed. His eyes widened.
They were naked and going at it like two shagging hippos in an African river.
He tried to shove Malfoy back out of the doorway before he saw the couple, but it was too late.
"Merlin's cloak!" shouted Draco, covering his eyes as the couple on the bed began screaming. "I was wrong! This is the most horrifying thing I've ever seen! If I ever recover my sanity, you're dead dragon meat, Potter!"
"Belt up and keep moving! There has to be an empty room here somewhere!"
They ran down a couple of doorways and once again Harry magically unlocked the door. To his relief, this one was empty. As he turned towards Malfoy, he noted that the future monarch of wizarding Britain was currently frozen in place as he stared down the hall.
Dozens of very frightening and infuriated cupids were flying towards them, arrows blazing.
Harry grabbed Malfoy by his Sex Pistols tee-shirt, (they were disguised as Muggles, after all) and pulled him into the room, slamming the door behind them.
He immediately began quickly chanting elaborate spells around the doorframe and could hear the staccato of tiny arrows hitting the door. He fervently hoped the wards would hold.
"A little help here would be appreciated, Malfoy. How about securing the windows? Those groupies seem awfully resourceful, you know. Malfoy? Are you even listening to me?"
Draco was busy looking up at the spinning ceiling fan in the middle of the room. He'd just noticed the chain descending from the light and was currently occupied with repeatedly pulling the chain, turning the light on, then off, then on, then off . . .
Harry smacked himself in the middle of the forehead. He was pretty close to losing it.
"There's got to be a House Elf up there somewhere . . . how the hell do they keep this thing spinning?" Draco muttered.
"MALFOY!"
"I heard you, you great sodding arse-bandit." Draco casually warded the windows and turned to look at Potter.
"Now we're snookered," said Draco. "We're trapped. Trapped like horklumps at a gnome picnic. So tell me . . . do you have a plan, O Great Potty One?"
Harry folded his arms across his chest. "If you'd just quit whining, I'll tell you."
Draco was settled into a stony silence before Harry spoke again.
"We Apparate to our new destination."
"I thought you said the Safe House wasn't ready."
Harry couldn't help a gleeful snicker. "We're not going to the Safe House. I have the perfect place. Hold on to your wand, we're going for a ride."
He grabbed Malfoy by his shirt and promptly Apparated.
When Harry finally opened his eyes, they were standing in the middle of a very narrow dirt road and the first thing he noticed was the intense noise. The air was filled with the smell of petrol and booths filled with vegetables and fruits and colorful silk scarves of all shapes and sizes surrounded them. Tiny monkeys seemed to have the run of the place, as the street was filled with them.
It was all delightfully familiar.
Harry knew that they'd dropped in on a wizarding part of town, and the dark-skinned townsfolk only looked at them curiously before moving on. He surveyed his surroundings and felt perfectly at ease. He gave Draco a toothy smile.
"Welcome to Kathmandu!" he said happily, noting the perplexed look on Malfoy's face.
Draco gaped at him. "Katman WHAT?"
"You heard me, Malfoy. We're in Kathmandu. I visited here two months ago, when I went trekking up the Himalayas. It was great fun, by the way."
"The Himalayas? As in huge, unbearably cold mountains?"
Harry nodded. "Nobody would think to look for us here. It's the perfect hiding place."
At that moment, there was a loud explosion about three blocks down the road. Harry and Draco threw themselves on the ground, along with the rest of the surrounding swirl of humanity.
The air filled with an even greater amount of dust and Draco began to gag and cough.
"Erm, by the way," said Harry sheepishly, as he picked himself up off the ground. "I probably should tell you that Nepal is in the midst of a Muggle civil war. But we should be safe in the countryside. I've got friends there."
He gave Draco a lopsided grin.
"THIS IS ALL YOUR FUCKING FAULT, POTTER!" screamed Draco, as the monkeys screeched and scattered in terror.
To be continued . . .
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Author's Note: I'm a mean little author to have these two stuck together in the Himalayas, but it seemed like such a delicious idea. And I wanted to add a couple of things: The Slytherin motto, "When all else fails, sneer", was lifted from Lizki's very naughty story, "Lucius' Bookshelves" and I'm assuming she coined it. I thought it was funny and couldn't resist using it here. And the phrase "Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate" is an old saying, but nobody seems to know who the author was.
I also want to thank everyone who has reviewed. It means so much to me that you all take the time to comment on this story. And of course, I must always thank my beta, Elizabeth. She's my barometer!