Rating: PG-13
Spoilers: Up to and including, 'Acts of Contrition'.
Summary: Set during 'Acts of Contrition'. What went on in Adama's mind when he confronted Kara about her guilt over having done something for Zac?
Author's Notes: After having seen the 4th episode, I couldn't help noticing the look on Adama's face as Kara finally confessed to him what she did. I'm not sure about anyone else, but there was a lot – a lot – of anger in that look. Even that last line he gave, I had to rewind to double-check that he really did say that! So, I attempted to write down what he might have been thinking as that scene played out. Hopefully I came close to getting a measure of that man's wrath.
Read and Review!"Sins of the Daughter"
I really don't want to do this…
…and I know I'm going to hate myself after…
But if a man is going to bury his own son…
…then he should know the real reason he's doing it.
- Cdr. William Adama, Personal Journals
Commander William Adama stood shock still, as he stared at Lt. Kara Thrace. Lips pressed together and face a stony mask, the life seemed to have drained from his body. Statues had more humanity than the man at this moment. Not a hair moved, nor a muscle twitched. But inside, he seethed with a rage that would cower the Lords.
"Zac…failed basic flight."
It was those four words spoken by Kara that had pulled the rug out of Adama's feet. When he had talked with Lee about Kara's flunking the new pilots, his son had inadvertently hinted that there was another, more personal reason for Kara's actions.
"Guilt? Over what?"When he had tried to get some clarification, Lee, in confusion over his gaffe, had begged off, telling him to ask Kara – even going so far as calling him 'Dad'. His son was always the formal, proper one, so when he had used that form of address, a very large red flag went up in Adama's mind.
Rather than sit around and let his mind wander as to what exactly his son meant, he had decided to go to the source and had Kara called for and sent to his quarters.
When she had arrived, he'd tried to be calm and open, giving Kara every opportunity to explain herself. But at every turn, she became more and more evasive, which, in turn, made Adama more and more ill at ease. A part of him had hated to use Lee's words against Kara, because every time he did, she became even more agitated. Seeing no other route, he pressed on:
"He said you might've been feeling guilty for something that you did for Zac. What did you do for him?"
Adama had asked calmly, but directly, not quite as a commander, but more of a father figure. Kara, to Adama's slight dismay, kept eluding the question, looking more nervous with every passing second. It was time to put his foot down.
"Don't fence with me, Kara. I love you like a daughter…I don't deserve that."
Maybe it was Adama's admission of what she meant for him, maybe it was the quick looked of a defeated misery that had passed through Kara's eyes - whatever the case, Kara looked him straight in the eye and had told him the last thing he had truly ever expected to hear:
His son…his gentle Zac…was killed because he should never have been let in the cockpit of a Viper in the first place.
The bottom fell from Adama's stomach, and nausea rippled through every portion of his body. Although stoic on the outside, Adama felt like he'd had breath knocked out of him. Through the confusion roiling in his mind, all he could think of was Why? Why did you do it, Kara? As if in answer, he remembered a quick talk he'd had with her just prior to the funeral. After only a few minutes on talking about Zac, he had realized that they were much closer than he assumed. Although Kara had waved it off, possibly to stave off any more grief, he'd figured it out.
"You did it because you were engaged," Adama accused Kara, here, now, in his office. Heartbroken, Kara began to weep as she tried to explain. But Adama wasn't listening. All he could see was the casket holding his son being lowered into the ground…his remaining son having the first of many, many heated and spiteful fights with him…an ex-wife who refused to talk to him for years to come.
And through all this, a blade of white-hot fury, already burning, seared through all the confusion and, for a moment, he regarded the person in front of him with nothing but utter contempt.
I held your hand during the funeral, trying to comfort you, when all this time, I never realized I was holding the hand of the person – a reckless, selfish person – who caused the death of my own son. And during the years, how many times did I look out for you? When a slot was open on Galactica, who brought you in? When, for years, all I could get from Lee was - at best - frigid silence, whom did I allow into my personal world? And how many times did you get into trouble – with Tigh or other pilots – and I'd discreetly step in to mitigate the punishment? Everything I did was because I felt sorry for you. And yet, not a few hours before, didn't I say, "It wasn't your fault. You had nothing to do with what happened"? And you sat there and said nothing.
Kara, still talking, cut Adama's musings short. Tears ran down her face as she still pathetically tried to explain why she did what she did.
No, Kara, Adama thought. Don't you dare shed those tears. That grief – that true grief – is several years too late.
"Reinstate the trainees," was all Adama said, in a voice with far less emotion than an original Cylon.
Kara nodded, still trying to talk, still trying, in her words, to make him 'understand'. A final sad revelation came unbidden to his mind, and it nearly sickened him with disgust.
Lee knew first.
It was the only explanation as to why Lee had backed off from telling him in the first place. After all the years of thinking that he and Kara had a measure of respect and understanding for one another, Adama still didn't warrant enough to be told the truth. Even when it looked liked like the whole world was about to end, Kara still denied him the right to know. And the only way he had been able to find out – by accident, no less – was by dragging the truth out of her. Unbeknownst to the rest of his body, Adama's fists clenched until they were bone white.
How much longer, Kara, were you going to play me the fool?
"Do you job," Adama said huskily.
"Yes, sir," Kara stammered. Adama was not one for letting his anger consume him, but the longer Kara stayed, the longer he knew he would snap and do something everyone would regret later.
"And walk out of this cabin while you still can," Adama warned, his voice deathly quiet.
Kara, crestfallen and wretched, quickly left.
It would be a long while, however, before Adama could take his venom-filled eyes away from the spot where she stood.
-FIN-