The next day, Eiji arrived at practice early. The matches this weekend were important, and he wanted to make sure he got all the practice in that he needed.
He knew Oishi would probably be running the morning practice, as had been the routine for a while now. Eiji felt a shiver of anxiety run through his body, but he pushed his thoughts away. It'll be ok, once we're on the court. I'll figure out what happened, and I'll fix it…
Eiji was full of nervous energy today, but he was sure that once he started bouncing around on the court, he'd be fine. Gradually people began to arrive, and before he knew it, the practice was starting. Oishi was the last to arrive. He was holding Ryuzaki-sensei's notebook, where she kept the player lists and assignments.
"Since we're all here today…" Oishi shot an obvious look in Eiji's direction. "I have an announcement I'd like to make."
Everyone gathered around Oishi, attentive, and eager to start the practice.
"I've been discussing the line-up for this weekend's matches with Tezuka and Ryuzaki-sensei, and we've agreed upon a few changes. Most notably, for the doubles pairings."
Eiji felt his heart skip a beat.
"Until further notice, Doubles Two will be Inui and Kaidoh." He paused. "Singles will be Echizen, Kawamura and Fuji, respectively."
Oishi cleared his throat. "Doubles One will be myself and Momo." There was a collective gasp of surprise.
"I know it seems sudden, but Kikumaru, since you have missed several practices recently, it only makes sense that you'll be on reserve for this match. Since you haven't been feeling well, please don't push yourself. That's all."
There was murmuring throughout the team. Momo was the first to speak. "Oishi, is this really going to work? I've never played doubles with you before! Besides, I'm sure Kiku…"
"I've gone over this with Ryuzaki-sensei and Tezuka and they've both agreed that this is the best option for right now. I'm counting on you." Oishi said this without pausing at all, as if he'd been expecting an argument.
The murmurs hadn't stopped, and more than a few looks were being cast in Eiji's direction, though he barely noticed, uncharacteristically lost in his thoughts.
A thousand words and images were swimming around in Eiji's mind at once. Of the night on the court, how excited he had been, how proud of himself he had been when he said everything to Oishi, not leaving anything out, believing in him and how Oishi had laughed, and how even when he laughed Eiji couldn't be angry, but now… Now it was too real, too immediate and he realized that he wasvery close to being really and truly angry. But he didn't want to be angry, he wanted to fix this, but how could he fix this if… And then he was panicking, then denying it, then panicking again.
There's no way he would try to take this away from me, even if he's angry, even if… The realization of that thought was too painful, so he pushed it away. This is wrong.
He must not have heard Oishi properly. Oishi must be insane. Doubles with Momo? No, he refused to believe that any of this was happening. Oishi was his friend, no matter what, right??
Kikumaru… Eiji wasn't sure if he'd heard Oishi say that word since the day they met. Everything seemed distorted, and as he took a step forward, he swore he could feel the ground shift under his feet.
"Eiji…" It was Fuji. "Are you ok with this?"
Fuji had said his name with perfectly measured amounts of sympathy and kindness, but Eiji could barely hear him.
"OISHI!" Eiji had raised his voice, in a tone that he knew usually would cause Oishi to bend over backwards to appease him. But Oishi didn't move, or even look in his direction.
There was something like rage now welling up inside of Eiji, an anger so intense he thought he would explode. He closed his eyes, trying to calm down. He wanted to attack Oishi, to rip him apart, and at the same time he was shocked that he was reacting this way. It's just one match…But something was telling him that this meant much, much more than the match.
Eiji watched as Oishi turned away from the group, and began to walk away in the opposite direction.
"OISHI!" In three of his large bounding steps he had reached Oishi, and without thinking, Eiji grabbed the back of his jacket, pulling hard. Oishi stopped for a second, his breath catching in surprise, but he didn't turn around.
Eiji stood there for a second, unable to grasp what was really happening. He knew he must look childish, to everyone, standing there, fingers clasped around the back of his friend's jacket. Wasn't Oishi going to turn around? Was he really just not going to say anything at all? Eiji felt his vision blur with tears, as Oishi shook off his grip easily, moving forward again, this time quickly, and with more purpose.
Eiji stood there for a second, and then… Something came over him and Eiji lunged, full force at Oishi. Everything inside of him had seemed to turn white in that instant, and he honestly had no idea what he was doing, or what the outcome would be of his actions and he didn't care.
Suddenly, someone was holding Eiji's arms, pulling him away. Fuji was yelling at him, telling him to calm down, struggling against Eiji's jerking. Fuji never yelled, and Eiji was immediately embarrassed, but still found himself incapable of restraining himself. Oishi was facing them now, with a look that was a mixture of true surprise, fear and guilt, though only Fuji could read this last emotion, as Oishi was masking himself rather well.
Ryuzaki-sensei had arrived and was staring at the scene that was unfolding, in complete disbelief.
"KIKUMARU, OISHI!" she was yelling, her face turning red with anger. "20 LAPS! NOW!"
"No! I won't run laps with him!!" Eiji was still trying to push Fuji away, but Fuji was strong when he wanted to be, and restrained his friend easily. Fuji studied Oishi, as he noticed Eiji's body begin to tremble, trying to put the pieces together.
Everyone was staring at Eiji, and glancing occasionally back at Oishi, trying to figure out what was going on.
"30 LAPS, and both of you better start running, RIGHT NOW!" Ryuzaki-sensei's face had turned another shade of red.
"NO, I…I…QUIT – I WON'T PLAY ON THIS TEAM ANYMORE!!" The tears were gone now from Eiji's eyes, and he fixed his gaze on Oishi, who took an involuntary step backwards.
Oishi stared back at Eiji, his eyes wide, but it was impossible even for Fuji to read his expression.
Eiji was struggling awkwardly with Fuji's grip. "LET ME GO!" Finally Fuji released his arms, and Eiji took off, in the direction of the locker room. Oishi stared after him for a moment, and then quietly began his laps around the court.
The rest of the team was left standing in a circle, staring at each other in disbelief. No one said anything. Finally Fuji, with a serious expression, said to Ryuzaki-sensei. "I will go talk to Kikumaru." He turned and began to walk to the locker room.
……………………………………………………
"I hate him! I hate Oishi! He's doing this on purpose!" Eiji was doing everything he could to maintain his composure with Fuji, but it wasn't working very well. He kicked the locker in front of him again, enjoying the clang of the metal as it echoed through the room.
"Oishi may have his reasons, but, if Tezuka and Ryuzaki-sensei approved it…"
Fuji said the words calmly, though he had to admit, had been surprised. It wasn't like Oishi to act rashly, even if he was angry. And it wasn't like Tezuka or Ryuzaki-sensei to change the line-up so close to a match because of an argument between players. It was just strange. Fuji made a mental note to discuss this with Tezuka in detail later, before turning his attention back to his friend, reminding himself what he was doing here.
Eiji seemed to be almost bubbling over with anger, and…something else, something that was harder for Fuji to put his finger on. It was close to a kind of desperation, though not exactly. It was very unusual for Fuji to be unable to read Eiji, who was usually the most transparent of all of his friends. Something strange was going on, and Fuji guessed that it had something to do with Eiji's absence from school yesterday, and Oishi's extremely distracted performance during practice.
"I'll quit!" Eiji had blurted out, finishing a long tirade that Fuji had only been half listening to. But his ears perked up at this.
"You don't mean that." It was more of a statement, than a question, but then Fuji challenged, "Do you?"
Eiji had been ready to continue, but Fuji's serious look had rendered him suddenly speechless.
When it was obvious Eiji had calmed down to the point where he would listen, Fuji decided it was about time he got to the point. "What happened between you and Oishi? You're arguing about something?"
Eiji looked slightly startled for a second, but recovered quickly. "That's not it."
"Then what?"
"It's nothing."
'Look, I won't force you.'
Though you know I could.
"If you want to talk about it, though, I'll listen." Fuji paused, thoughtful. "Though the one who you really should be having this conversation with is Oishi." He watched as Eiji's face darkened.
"I…I can't talk to him. Oishi never listens to me."
"Doesn't he?" Fuji could tell he was getting somewhere now.
"I tried to tell him something really important, and do you know what he did? He laughed at me. Oishi laughed…"
Eiji was hiding something and suddenly there was no doubt in Fuji mind what that something was. He had known that it wouldn't take long for Eiji to reveal himself.
"What was it that you tried to tell him?" Fuji said the words with care, knowing that Eiji probably would not want to share this with him, at least not in so many words, anyway. Which was fine, as long as Fuji could make Eiji realize the root of this problem.
"It doesn't matter now. It's not important anymore."
"Isn't it?" Fuji could measure the layers of pain in his friend's eyes expertly. "Isn't that why you stayed home yesterday?"
"Fuji…I…"
Several turns of phrases passed through Fuji's mind, but… He could tell Eiji was close to tears. Fuji just couldn't bring himself to force his friend to say something he didn't want to right now.
"Never mind, I think I understand. Oishi hurt your feelings, and now, with the new assignments, you don't think you'll be able to resolve it. "
Eiji was quiet. "Yes…"
Fuji was standing now. "Let me talk to Oishi."
"NO!" Eiji jumped up, hitting his head on an open locker. Eiji rubbed his head, frowning. "Fuji, I can handle it on my own, ok?"
Fuji's voice was firm, and left no room for argument. "I also think that you should talk to Oishi. However…" He fixed his most serious look on his friend, "I won't watch you self-destruct like this anymore."
Eiji was shocked. This was blunt, even for Fuji.
Eiji watched as his friend fixed another serious look on him, this time with a level of understanding that made Eiji wonder, and not for the first time, how his friend could possibly be so perceptive without reading his mind.
"And Eiji, I'm not saying I blame you."
With that, Fuji turned quickly, and exited the locker room, leaving Eiji rather stunned.
…………………………………………………….
Fuji was determined to fix this situation between his friends. He could have seen this coming, and he was actually rather surprised at the level of shock he had felt today at the scene between his teammates. I guess people aren't always as predictable as one may think…
Still, both of them had been behaving out of character for a while now, and this bothered Fuji. Eiji had acted so strange after Oishi collapsed, and then never went to the hospital to visit him. Fuji knew this, because Oishi had pulled him aside several times during that week, asking where Eiji was, if he was ok. Fuji hadn't asked, but he could tell that Oishi had been hurt then, and now, after what Eiji had just told him, well, he had to see what he could find out from Oishi.
Besides that, there were matches coming up, and it really would be in everyone's best interests to resolve all of this before then. Also, he admitted, he hated to see Eiji hurt, especially when he was beginning to see how this had evolved. Though he wasn't sure exactly what, or how much Eiji had tried to tell Oishi, he had a pretty good guess. Eiji's feelings toward Oishi, and vice versa, had been all but obvious to him for a long time now.
…………………………………………………….
The matches would be starting just a few days. Eiji hadn't been showing up at practice, and things were awkward between Oishi and Momo in their practice matches. There was an overall sense of unease spreading throughout the team.
Fuji approached Oishi after their afternoon practice, cornering him after Tezuka had finished his lecture, going over Oishi's weaknesses in the last match with him. Oishi looked distracted talking to their captain, and Fuji was sure that Tezuka realized as well as Oishi did that his problems on the court with Momo were not going to be fixed in time for the matches, no matter how many new formations they went through.
Fuji followed Oishi into the locker room, waiting several minutes before speaking, to make sure there was no one else in earshot. Fuji knew how easily embarrassed Oishi was, and that if anyone else were even remotely in the vicinity, that he wouldn't get anything out of his teammate.
"So, how's your new partner?" The question was innocent enough, but Oishi bristled visibly.
"What's that supposed to mean?" Oishi shot the words back without thinking, and then was immediately embarrassed.
"I'm sorry, Fuji, I didn't mean that." He presented Fuji with a deep bow of apology. "I guess I've been tense today."
Fuji smiled. "Indeed. But it's fine, don't worry. I might have deserved that, after all." And he smiled again, and this time Oishi couldn't help but feel a little uncomfortable.
After a moment of awkward silence, Fuji began again, calmly. "Oishi, are you worried about Eiji? Do you think he's serious about quitting the team?"
Oishi tried to cover his surprise, which he knew was impossible, before steadying his voice. "I don't know, honestly. He's been really strange lately. I don't know what to think."
"Mmm…" Fuji murmured to himself. "I'm not sure what to think either."
Fuji paused, waiting for Oishi to say something else. When Oishi was silent, he continued. "Maybe it would help if you talked to him. I mean, you're his closest friend, right? Well, after me, that is." He chuckled to himself, watching Oishi clear his throat nervously.
"Yeah…I mean, you're right. I probably should…" Oishi could feel his face getting hot. Why did Fuji always seem to know everything about everything? Suddenly he felt his stomach sink. What if…
"Fuji, what did Eiji tell you…about me?" he asked quickly.
"Nothing, really." Fuji offered no further explanation, watching Oishi shift his weight from one foot to the other.
"Well, he did say something about wanting to tell you something. That you had hurt his feelings, that's all."
Oishi let out a strangled breath, and then, trying to recover, "He…he told you that?" Oishi felt like his face was on fire, he turned away, hoping Fuji hadn't noticed. No chance.
"Sure, in the locker room the other day. I thought I'd try and hear your side of the story though…"
Oishi seemed lost in thought for a second, before he spoke again. "Sometimes…" Oishi began quietly. "Sometimes I just don't know what to make of him. I know how it must have seemed to him, but…I really didn't know what else to do…at the time."
Fuji studied Oishi, noticing how his voice had trailed off in all the right places, and that he was obviously still thinking a lot about whatever it was that Eiji had tried to tell him.
"Maybe you should give him a chance to say what he wanted to say…again." Fuji was trying to choose his words carefully, something he knew was absolutely necessary with Oishi.
"Otherwise," he went on, "I wonder what will happen. For the team, and for Eiji. He told me not to talk to you, by the way, that he would handle everything himself, but, well…" Fuji leveled his eyes at Oishi, casually, but with the slightest hint of a veiled threat. "It seemed like he might not really be up to it."
"Fuji…" Oishi felt like he had been squashed into the floor with Fuji's sideways glance at him. He had no idea how to respond to that.
"Oishi, I really think you owe it to Eiji to hear him out." Fuji smiled amiably, leaving no trace of the look from a second ago. "That's all I really wanted to say, I guess."
……………………………………………………….
Oishi walked home that evening in a state of confusion. He knew that Fuji was right. He owed Eiji an explanation. No, he owed him much more than that. He owed him the truth. The only problem was that Oishi was having trouble articulating what exactly the truth was anymore, even to himself.
He liked Eiji, that much had always been obvious. And playing doubles with Eiji meant everything to Oishi. Eiji was the most important thing, after all, and still… Oishi had ruined everything. On purpose, Oishi told himself, his chest tightening.
He was so confused, and though he was having a hard time admitting it to himself, he was scared. Oishi had never opened up to anyone before, about anything, really. Much less his feelings. And this was Eiji. And he had already done something horrible. Something that was maybe even unforgivable. He knew that it might not be too late, that if he told Eiji the truth, then maybe…but he just didn't know how to do that.
When he had heard Eiji say those words on the court that night, a million thoughts had run through his head at once. He was shocked, though he knew he shouldn't have been, and he was happy, though that didn't seem right either. How could he be happy about the most important relationship in his life changing, being turned upside down? And this was not the way it was supposed to be, this isn't how their friendship was supposed to end up…or was it?
And then he looked at Eiji, really looked at him. He had heard the way Eiji had said his name, with so much intensity, like he had said it on the playground. Still, his mind was screaming a million warnings. There was no way that someone so perfect could possibly be in love with him. And Eiji was impulsive; he changed his mind all the time, about everything. And it was ok, he told himself, when they were friends, but…love…love was unstable, and unpredictable on it's own… And there was no way that everything he had shared with Eiji could be reduced to something so juvenile and clichéd and… And he was thinking these things, but deep down he knew. He was just scared. Completely terrified.
Because he could tell that Eiji was serious, because he could see how earnestly his friend was looking at him, because he knew that it was real. But…it couldn't be…because love is something different, love is…he realized he had no idea, really, but…
But Eiji was looking at him like that… What was he supposed to do? How could he go on being himself when Eiji looked at him like that? With that look, with that one look, Oishi felt like every cell in his body could be manipulated to do anything that Eiji wanted. It could destroy him. He was losing control… It was as if the entire world had deconstructed before his very eyes, and…it just didn't make any sense. It couldn't make any sense. It couldn't be real; it had to be a joke. And that's when he started laughing.
After that he had felt almost like he was acting, a role from a scene from a play he had seen once, or a book, or a movie, where someone had lashed out and hurt the one they loved the most. He knew that he was ruining something that, just a second before, had been perfect, beautiful. But he did it anyway. He knew that he should have had a better explanation for is actions, but he didn't. And that scared him too.
To Eiji, after laughing, he had said the absolute most hurtful things he could think of. As Oishi heard his own voice, he knew he was really saying those things, and that Eiji was hearing them too, but part of Oishi really thought that maybe Eiji would know that it wasn't true. Maybe Eiji would figure out what he himself couldn't. Eiji would know that these words were the exact opposite of what he was feeling, and that that was almost the point of saying them. Of course when he saw the look on Eiji's face, he knew that this was completely ridiculous. That he was completely ridiculous.
There was something else too, that Oishi was able to think later, and only later, only when he had gotten off the subway and arrived at his house, and closed the door to his room. It was only then that he could think of what it might actually be like, to be with Eiji. To be close to him. To touch him. To take care of him, to be there for him. To always have Eiji at his side, smiling. To accept Eiji's love. And to give himself up completely to Eiji. That was what it meant, right? Love? He knew that he could do all of that. Without question, that he wanted to. But…why was it so hard to admit that to himself, outside of this room?
When Eiji didn't show up for practice the next morning, at first Oishi had been worried, and then he had been almost relieved. He realized that he had no idea how to act around Eiji, and that what he wanted more than anything right now, was to avoid having to deal with the situation. He knew this was childish, and inexcusable and that it was the worst thing he had done to anyone, ever. He doubted that he would ever be able to forgive himself, and he was even more sure that Eiji would never, ever forgive him. For any of this. Still…there was no way he could stand on the court with Eiji right now. There was just no way. It was impossible.
Oishi told himself that it would only be for one match, until he figured out how to tell Eiji, how to apologize, but…it hadn't really worked out how he'd planned. And now…well, now he figured that Eiji must really, really hate him, and he didn't know what else to do so… he waited.
……………………………………………………….
A/N: I tried to put a bit more of Oishi's POV here, but it's hard! (Harder than Eiji at least, for me.) Anyway, let me know how it was, and thank you, thank you to everyone for reading and reviewing. I've been trying to incorporate suggestions and correct problems that have been pointed out, so thanks!