Over the past week, things had fallen into a strange pattern. Eiji hadn't shown up to practice since Oishi's announcement, and had skipped the weekend's matches. No one had any idea what was going on, because Eiji was effectively avoiding everyone on the team, even Fuji.
Oishi was still waiting, but he knew that his time was running out. Eiji was avoiding him, and this made talking to him more difficult, but still, Oishi knew it was no excuse. Every day the distance between them seemed to grow, and every day it seemed to become harder to connect that distance.
At the same time that the distance grew, the urgency Oishi felt was growing too. Oishi realized that he had been waiting for something to solidify, for the truth to finally take root inside of him, and Oishi was sure now, that it had. He knew now, how important this was, and how much he didn't want to lose Eiji. Oishi knew how much he missed him, and how much he needed him. He knew that what he felt was real.
Oishi also knew that in the past, he usually waited too long for things, because he had a hard time opening up to people. This time, more than anything, he wanted things to be different. Because Eiji was different.
He didn't want Eiji to go away. If Eiji loved him, if Eiji still loved him, then Oishi didn't want him to go away, to disappear. The thought, of things continuing as they were now, until everything between them was just gone, was driving Oishi crazy. He knew that he had to do something, that he had to talk to Eiji, but somehow it had ended up being harder than he thought it would be.
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As time passed, it became clear to Oishi that Eiji wasn't going to come to him, or make this any easier. Eiji had altered his schedule, and his routes to class during school so that Oishi rarely saw him anymore. It had taken Oishi days to figure out how Eiji managed to sneak in and out of school each day without anyone seeing him. It surprised Oishi, because he had never known Eiji to be so precise about anything before.
But now Eiji was perfectly, precisely avoiding him.
As for tennis, Oishi was shocked that Eiji had skipped practices for so long. He knew that nothing official had been said to Tezuka or Ryuzaki-sensei, and so he half-expected Eiji to just show up one day to practice, like nothing had happened. But the days continued to pass, and Eiji never came.
Oishi couldn't help but wonder Eiji was doing with all his energy, if he wasn't playing tennis. Even with just one day off after a match, Eiji would show up at the next practice practically jumping out of his skin, begging for someone to warm up with him. The energy radiating from Eiji all the time was visible, but when he really wanted to play, when he was really into it, it was electric, and it affected everyone around him.
Eiji's energy had been electric that night on the court too, Oishi remembered. He thought of Eiji flipping the racket around over his wrists, something he only did when he was absolutely serious. Oishi wondered, a dull ache spreading inside of him, and settling into his forehead, if he would ever experience the exhilaration he felt being on the court with Eiji again.
Playing without Eiji this past week had been, well it should have been impossible, it was impossible, but… Oishi had long since learned how to fulfill his duties, regardless of how he was feeling. It really shouldn't have surprised him so much that he had managed to play all this time without Eiji, even when he was completely distracted and preoccupied.
Oishi barely remembered the match last weekend, which they had somehow managed to win. It had taken much, much longer than it would have if Eiji had been there, but Momo had done well, covering for Oishi's poor playing. Oishi was sure everyone on the team had noticed how badly he had played, how he had almost thrown the match, but he found that he really didn't care.
…………………………………………………...
It wasn't long before Oishi knew that he couldn't wait any longer. He would find Eiji, and he would force Eiji to listen to him, if he had to. The truth that had become a part of Oishi was so unbearable, so obvious and so completely consuming that it didn't matter anymore if Eiji hated him. It didn't matter if it was too late or if Oishi had already ruined everything. It didn't matter how much he hated himself for hurting Eiji and for being confused, when, he realized now, there was nothing confusing at all about what was happening to him. Oishi waited until he couldn't wait anymore, until he realized that there was no way he would let Eiji disappear, no matter how many matches he played with Momo, or how many practices Eiji skipped, or how much Eiji tried to avoid him.
Oishi knew he had to do something, and that he had to do it now.
For the first time, Oishi realized, he was tired of waiting.
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The courts were deserted; afternoon practice had been cancelled because of the storm. The rain came down in sheets, distorting the lights outside that lined the nearest court. Eiji was staring out the window stubbornly, refusing to look at Oishi, who he knew was standing rigidly behind him.
Eiji hadn't been in this locker room for what felt like a long time. It felt like forever, actually, though Eiji had sort of stopped keeping track of time. Had it been a week, or two? It easily could have been a year, a lifetime, he realized.
For a second Eiji felt like everything was fine, and that nothing had changed. It was the locker room, and outside were the tennis courts, like always. Inside though…inside was Oishi and…
Eiji had promised himself that he would not let this happen. He had told himself that when Oishi decided he needed to apologize, Eiji would not be around to listen. It was partly out of stubbornness, but mostly because was afraid that he couldn't listen. That instead of behaving like a normal person, he would scream, or cry, or run away. He knew that if he did any of these things, Oishi would try and comfort him, would try to stop him from leaving. Oishi would grab his arm, would touch him, and ask him to wait, and if that happened…
Eiji was scared. The thought of Oishi touching him, even just his arm, was making him panic, because he wasn't sure how he would react, and he didn't want to make a fool out of himself in front of Oishi again. Eiji tried to calm down, telling himself that he was here, now, and that he had to pull himself together.
Oishi was standing there, right behind him, he told himself. Eiji wondered what he was doing and why he hadn't said anything yet. Maybe Oishi was trying to give him time to relax; maybe he could tell that Eiji was practically shaking with anxiety. But Eiji knew he couldn't relax.
Eiji's thoughts were jumping around, erratically, as often happened when he was angry, or upset. He wouldn't be able to focus at this rate, and he knew he had to. Or he would do something stupid, and ruin everything again. And this was so important.
After all, Eiji had quit tennis over this, right? Quit the thing that made him happiest, the only thing he was really good at. Over this, over Oishi. But he had sworn he wouldn't listen to an apology. Not after this long. Not after Oishi had laughed, and then told him in front of the entire team that he wanted nothing to do with him. No, he didn't want to listen to Oishi apologize to him now, so that Oishi would feel better.
Eiji was starting to feel sick. In fact, he had felt sick for a while. Not sick enough to stay home from school, though that thought had been tempting, especially when his parents had almost insisted on several occasions, but all the same, he just felt sick, and he had for days. It was as if his body was completely out of balance. He was tired, exhausted even, all the time. And he wasn't even playing tennis, which was the only thing, usually, that made Eiji physically tired.
Even now, Eiji realized, he was tired. Of standing here. He had a strange urge to just lie down on the floor, but knew that if he did, Oishi would probably get worried and… Eiji shivered a little, though he could feel that his eyelids were warm, and he wondered if he had a fever. Like he had when he woken up that morning on the court. But that was silly. Eiji wasn't sick. Not really. He was just tired. Of feeling like this, of thinking about Oishi.
Just then, he heard Oishi take a deep breath.
"There are so many things I want to say to you", Oishi began, his words shaking Eiji out of his thoughts, and causing Eiji to stand a little straighter, a little more defensively, as he braced himself.
"So say what you want to say," Eiji said, pointedly. He didn't turn around. He was sure that his words had come out came out sounding bitter and antagonistic, despite his efforts to collect his thoughts before speaking, but he didn't care. "Go ahead, I'm listening. I'm waiting."
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Eiji's hostility had unnerved Oishi. All the sudden, he realized he didn't know how to start. "Ok, well…" Oishi managed.
"Ok, well WHAT, Oishi?" Eiji was clipping the words off quickly. "I thought you had something IMPORTANT to say. Or maybe it's not even important. Well, if it is, let me know so that I can laugh, ok!"
Oishi didn't really know how to react. Eiji's mean side was a little scary. He had never seen it before. At least not directed at him. Even when they fought, Eiji rarely lost the playful look in his eyes. Now he wouldn't even look at Oishi at all. I want to see that look again… Oishi thought this, but realized that it probably wasn't that easy. This wasn't a simple fight between friends, or a misunderstanding on the court, or a petty disagreement, or a few hurt feelings. In fact, he was sure Eiji would never forgive him for what he had done. Oishi was sure he would never see that look in Eiji's eyes again.
Still, instinctively, he reached out his hand to touch Eiji's shoulder, realizing how more than anything he wanted to feel that warmth. Oishi wondered for a second if that warmth was still there, if it still existed, or if it had disappeared too.
Eiji moved lightning fast, grabbing Oishi's arm before he was halfway there, and twisted around to face him.
"Don't touch me!" Eiji let go of Oishi's arm with a push and Oishi stumbled back a step.
Oishi blinked, rubbing his arm, staring at Eiji. He was startled and confused. "What's wrong with you?"
Eiji had a horrible half smile on his face. His voice was a little louder than it had been a second ago, and was gradually becoming more strained. "What's WRONG with me?? That's a good question, why don't you tell me, because last I heard you-"
"Eiji!" Oishi really couldn't believe the way this conversation was going. It was so unlike Eiji not to listen, to raise his voice, even in an argument. "Stop it, ok?"
"WHY? Why should I stop? Because you want me to? Well, maybe I don't want to listen to you!"
Oishi was approaching him, and Eiji started to move away, stepping backwards carelessly, not looking at the ground. Oishi watched as Eiji took another step back, and slipped on a discarded racket, stumbling slightly. Oishi was shocked, at how Eiji was acting, at how distracted and different he seemed, and now he was worried that there was something seriously wrong. Eiji was never clumsy, never.
"I said don't!!" Eiji's eyes flashed dangerously, and his voice was spiraling upwards. Oishi was close to him now, offering his hand to help him steady himself. Eiji took another step backwards, and realized there was nowhere else to go; his back was against the lockers. He shook his head, and his voice was shrill. "Don't come any closer!"
The more he watched Eiji, the more Oishi felt like he was in the middle of some strange nightmare. This couldn't be Eiji, his friend. This person who was practically stumbling over his feet, in order to get away from him. This person who wouldn't even touch his hand when he was trying to help him up, who wouldn't let him speak two words at the same time.
"Eiji, I'm trying to apologize! Will you please let me talk?" Oishi was so frustrated he wanted to scream. But more than that, he was worried.
"No, No, NO! I don't want to hear an apology!" Oishi watched as something between a sob and a scream escaped from Eiji's throat. Eiji's eyes were closed, and his hands moved quickly over his ears, as if he was trying to physically block Oishi out.
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Eiji knew he was shaking, and that in a second he would be crying, but it just didn't matter anymore. He wanted to run away. He had known this would happen, that he wouldn't be able to listen to Oishi at all. Eiji knew he was acting like an idiot, like a child. Oishi probably thought he was crazy. He would probably start laughing again. When Eiji thought this he closed his hands tighter around his ears and prayed that he could stay standing there for another minute, until Oishi left. Then he could collapse, or curl into a ball and go to sleep or…
Suddenly Eiji felt warm hands covering his own, brushing against the side of his face. Oishi's hands were bigger than his, and as they grazed his ears Eiji shivered. Oishi slowly, silently, moved Eiji's hands away from his face. Eiji's eyes were still closed, but he could feel that Oishi was close to him. His sensitive ears could hear Oishi's quick intake of breath. Eiji made a spiritless attempt to move away, but Oishi's arms were already around him.
Oishi was taller than Eiji, by an inch or two, and when he pulled him close, Eiji could feel his heart pounding. It reminded him of the day on the court, when Oishi had collapsed. All of Eiji's senses went into overdrive at once. Oishi was holding him so close and every breath they took seemed to press them closer. Eiji's heart was racing. It was overpowering, and he wondered if he would be able to stay on his feet.
"Eiji, I'm so sorry. For everything. Please listen to me."
Oishi's words broke through the silence and through Eiji's thoughts, and he felt his last remaining energy drain immediately. Eiji felt completely vulnerable in that moment, and he wondered if he had physically slumped in Oishi's arms. If Oishi had noticed though, he did nothing, except maybe hold Eiji a little tighter. Eiji could feel that Oishi was holding him by the waist now, supporting him.
"No…I don't want to hear this." Eiji's voice was quiet, fragile.
"Eiji, I care about you so much. More than anyone. I miss you."
Eiji could feel himself pulling Oishi a little tighter, though he hadn't meant to. Eiji was so overwhelmed he felt a little dizzy, which made him hold Oishi closer still. Oishi's neck was soft, and the heat that radiated from it made Eiji forget to breathe for a few seconds.
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Oishi hadn't planned this at all. He hadn't planned on being this close to Eiji. Every time Eiji moved, or breathed, a chill ran through Oishi's body. It was distracting him, and he was supposed to be apologizing, he told himself.
Oishi had no idea what to say now, but the words started quietly. "I…I lied that night on the court. I don't even know why. I think I was scared, and you surprised me. I know I shouldn't have been surprised, but…I didn't tell you the truth then. Eiji, I want you to be serious, ok. I need you to be serious… So will you please, please forgive me?"
At first Eiji's arms had hung limply at his sides, but one arm was now wrapped around Oishi's back, and he could feel Eiji's cheek pressing against his neck tightly. Oishi wondered what he should say next, since Eiji wasn't answering.
After a few seconds of listening to Eiji's breath, Oishi could feel that Eiji's hands had moved between them, and that he was pressing them against Oishi's chest, not very hard, but insistently. And then Oishi realized. Eiji was pushing him away. Oishi released his grip slowly.
"No. I…I can't. I'm sorry. I can't forgive you." Eiji sounded both surprised and sad at the same time.
Oishi had known this might be true, had expected it even, but it still hurt, more than he had imagined, to hear Eiji say it. Oishi watched him, waiting, hoping he would continue.
Eiji's head was down, not looking at Oishi, though he could feel Oishi watching him. He tried to steady his voice.
"When I imagined what you would say when I told you, how you would react, I never imagined that it could turn out so badly. I never imagined that you would actually laugh at me and then act like I should pretend it never happened. You asked me what was wrong with me… Everyone has been asking me that same question lately, and the answer is…'
Eiji paused, and gave Oishi a long look, that he had meant to be cold, a feeble attempt to hurt Oishi, but probably ended up seeming desperate, since that was how Eiji felt. Eiji had never been very good at masking his feelings, though he wondered if he had been improving lately.
"What's wrong with me is that that I picked the absolute worst person in the world to care about," Eiji finished, his voice shaking.
"Eiji-"
"Don't talk to me! Don't apologize! Just do what you've been doing, because I've gotten used to it!" And then Eiji said something that surprised himself, something that had been eating away at him for a while. "There's no way you could treat me like this and care about me, there's just no way. And if there is a way, then I don't want any part of it, ok?"
Eiji's mind was jumbled and he was feeling a bit unsteady. He was scared for a second, that he was going to faint, or worse, as the room swam in front of his eyes. He sat down quickly, glad that the bench was where he thought it would be, his hands gripping the sides of the wood tightly, reminding himself to breathe, and concentrating on the intake of air.
"Eiji, please…can you at least listen to me?"
Eiji leaned forward, toward Oishi, who was standing in front of him now, and wondered what this strange, light feeling was. Am I going crazy? I can't feel my body anymore.
"Oishi?" Eiji looked up suddenly and Oishi felt his stomach flutter and dance when Eiji's eyes met his. He seemed to be begging Oishi for something, for the answer to some question he hadn't asked.
"Oishi, I feel like I'm dead. Like my body is somewhere else. Is that weird? What's wrong with me?"
"There's nothing wrong with you. Nothing, ok?" Oishi said quietly.
Eiji was still looking up at Oishi with huge questioning eyes. Oishi thought his heart might break, if it hadn't already. He had to tell Eiji everything, right now.
"Eiji, can I please tell you how I feel? I want to tell you…"
Eiji leaned backwards on the bench, and closed his eyes.
Oishi felt like he had no choice but to continue. He took a deep breath. "I don't know when it started… But at some point, you became really important to me."
"You became more important than anything. And if you weren't around, at practice, or in school, I was anxious. I was looking for you. I started to notice how friendly you were with everyone at practice. I even resented people that you talked to a lot. I guess I was jealous…and I felt kind of left out, even though I shouldn't have."
"I started to look forward to practice so much, because you would be there…because no matter how early it was, or how tired I was, you always made everything ok, and fun. When you would smile at me, I felt like there was nowhere else I would rather be. When I played next to you, on the court, it suddenly seemed like magic. You seemed like magic, and all I wanted was to spend every second next to you. I didn't want to think about what it meant, because I didn't want anything to change."
Oishi glanced at Eiji, but his head was lowered, and Oishi couldn't see his expression.
"When I got sick, and you didn't come to see me at all, it really hurt my feelings. I couldn't figure it out. I imagined a lot of things, reasons why you wouldn't or couldn't come. And I missed you so much, it made me crazy. When I saw you again, I was just angry, and I told myself that I couldn't count on you, even though I know that if I would have just called you, and asked you to come visit me, that you would have. You would have, right?"
Eiji nodded slowly, his eyes meeting Oishi's for a second, before he lowered his head again, concentrating on Oishi's voice.
"And then, you started acting really strange, and almost avoiding me, and then-"
"I tried to apologize to you! I wanted to tell you why-" Eiji interjected the words without thinking, but quickly cut himself off. He realized that he really just wanted Oishi to keep talking.
"I know, and I didn't want to listen, because I was angry…and then I started to get really scared, because of how you were acting. I followed you that day…to the playground. I had never seen you so upset, and I realized, suddenly, that this was something real. Eiji, I knew. Even before you told me, I just knew. I realized that there was no way that things could stay the same, and instead of talking to you, I ran away. I guess I just…I'm not good at talking about how I feel, and…I didn't know what to do. I was scared. I'm still scared."
Eiji was shocked and a little embarrassed that Oishi had seen him like that. There was a familiar tightening in his chest, as he remembered how he had felt.
Oishi continued, realizing that the longer he looked at Eiji, the easier it was to talk. "For a while after that, I decided I would forget about everything that had happened, and everything I had been thinking and how I felt. When you asked me to come to the court that night, I had really convinced myself that it was just an extra practice session, and when you starting talking, I really convinced myself that you were playing a joke on me. I just…I couldn't figure out how to take you seriously, I couldn't reconcile anything in my mind. I know it doesn't make any sense, but-"
"Oishi." Eiji said the word suddenly, urgently and Oishi looked at him, surprised.
Eiji had promised himself that he wouldn't get upset, that he would never tell Oishi what he had been thinking that night. But the words had been collecting inside of him, filling him up, and he couldn't hold them back anymore. He couldn't listen to Oishi talk about that night without everything flooding his mind again. He knew Oishi wasn't done talking, had maybe not even gotten to the point yet, but…Eiji couldn't hold it in any longer, not even for a second.
"Oishi…" and as Eiji said his name again he felt something, a small release inside of him.
"I thought you would come back. You promised to finish the match, and… I really thought you would…and…and you didn't come back, and…it hurt so much I thought I would die. I wanted to die. But I didn't…I woke up and my head hurt, and everything was all mixed up and dad carried me up the stairs and my mom put me to bed and…and I don't know. I just…Why didn't you come back? You…you were supposed to…" Eiji's voice trailed off, as if he had become lost for a second, in either his thoughts or the memory.
"Did you hate me that much?" Eiji asked suddenly, his eyes filling with tears.
"No! Of course not." It hurt Oishi to listen, and immediately Oishi felt a horrible sense of guilt wash over him. How could he possibly be only realizing now how much he must have hurt Eiji by leaving? He was angry at himself, for being so caught up in his confusion that he hadn't really thought about how Eiji must be feeling. Oishi's head was swimming, but he knew he had to say something.
"Eiji, no, I was just confused. I was scared." Oishi could hear how inadequate these words were now, and he was ashamed.
"I don't…I…" Eiji's voice was breaking, and Oishi could see the tears on his face. "I don't understand."
Eiji was crying hard now, and Oishi stood there, stunned.
"And then, at practice…you did that on purpose…to hurt me. In front of everyone, Oishi. You wanted me to know how much you didn't need me, right? To see what I would do? How I would react?"
"No, that wasn't it." Oishi said, knowing again how inadequate of an explanation this was, searching his mind for something, and finding nothing good enough. Maybe I was looking for a reaction then… Oishi suddenly felt that maybe Eiji had been right, that he was the worst person in the world for Eiji to care about.
Eiji wiped his eyes. He had stopped crying, and was looking at Oishi like he was disappointed. Oishi could see Eiji's defenses going back up, repairing themselves after the moments of weakness he had just shown.
"Oishi, you still…you still don't know anything about me."
"Then tell me! Please tell me…" Oishi felt like he was somehow digging himself into a very deep hole. He wondered if he would ever be able to make this right. "Eiji…please?"
"I CAN'T! I can't, and I don't want to. I just want to stop feeling this way. I want everything to go back to normal. You have no idea what it feels like…" Eiji was trying to tell himself not to cry again, that he had to stay focused, or…
"Eiji, I…" Everything Oishi said seemed to be making things worse. What am I supposed to do? He knew that whatever he needed to say he had to say now.
"Oishi, I knew all along that this would never work."
"No! Eiji, that's not true!" Oishi was sure his heart was breaking now, a little more with each word he said, and each word Eiji said back.
"If you care about me at all, as a friend…please…stop. Just stop."
"I don't want to! I…"
"I can't do this Oishi, ok? I just can't…"
"Why?" Oishi asked the question in a small voice, knowing it was not really appropriate, but asking all the same anyway, because this was the most basic question he needed answered right now.
"Because it hurts! I'm tired of feeling like this." Eiji paused, taking a deep breath. "It's just not…worth it."
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A/N: Well, so Chapter Five was giving me kind of a hard time, and ended up being a lot longer than I'd planned and I decided to split it up - the result being that little cliffhanger there. Sorry! ;) Well, let me know what you think. Thanks so much again, for reading and reviewing – seriously, I am so grateful, and very, very happy that people are still reading!