Oishi felt like someone had punched him in the stomach, hard.
Not worth it… Oishi heard Eiji's words again, and closed his eyes, feeling hot tears stinging behind his eyelids. He knew that it made sense for Eiji to feel this way, and he couldn't blame him, but it still hurt. He really hadn't expected Eiji to say that, and the more he thought about it, he wasn't sure that he could say anything to counter it. Part of Oishi felt like it would almost be wrong of him to say anything else, that it would only make things worse, and he didn't want to hurt Eiji any more than he already had.
Besides, anything else he had planned to say to Eiji seemed at the most, irrelevant right now. Maybe he should just stop, if that was what Eiji wanted, and if it was possible. Oishi wasn't sure that it was possible though. To stop caring about Eiji, to stop wanting to touch him, to comfort him, even now.
Oishi opened his eyes after a few seconds and allowed himself to look at Eiji, to really look at him.
Eiji's head was lowered, and his fingers gripped the sides of the wooden bench tightly, making his knuckles almost white. He wasn't moving at all, and his breaths were coming in large almost silent gasps.
Oishi thought of Eiji smiling and making jokes, of Eiji throwing his arms around his friends, dragging them off to warm up at practice, of Eiji flipping his racket with that determined gleam in his eyes. He thought of the golden pair, of all the matches they had won, and the ones they had lost, and of all the moments he had shared with this person who was right here and so far away at the same time. The Eiji here in front of him was simply not the same person that he knew, and Oishi wondered if he would ever see the smiling, energetic, enthusiastic Eiji again.
He knew that what he had said and done to Eiji was unforgivable, but it still seemed wrong that it had come to this, that it had turned out this way. Oishi had really thought that talking to Eiji and apologizing and explaining would have made things better, not worse.
Oishi stood there for a minute, watching Eiji, wanting Eiji to look at him, to say something, and all the time knowing that this was simply not going to happen. Eiji looked terrible right now, broken, exhausted. At first he had been defiant, and even angry, but now, Eiji just seemed completely defeated. Oishi hadn't thought it was even possible for Eiji to be defeated. It truly broke Oishi's heart to see his friend like this. Out of this desperation came another thought that made Oishi almost physically shudder. If Eiji really had disappeared, then it was Oishi's fault, because he had allowed this to happen. He imagined for a second, Eiji being like this forever. Eiji gone. Forever. And then Oishi felt himself start to really panic.
His legs were shaking and he sat down on the bench.
He tried to calm down. Oishi knew he had to at least try to fix this, but he felt like there was literally nothing he could do. Eiji had told him to stop. Eiji had said that this wasn't worth it.
Oishi told himself that he should be able to respect anything that Eiji wanted right now. If Eiji wanted to leave, to never see him again, then Oishi should be able to accept this. If Eiji wanted Oishi to stop caring, he should be able to do that too. But he knew that he couldn't, that it was impossible.
He knew he had to stop panicking, but his mind was running around in circles. Oishi was afraid to say anything, afraid that Eiji would leave, or that he would ask Oishi to leave. Oishi was terrified also, of how he would react if Eiji said anything else to him right now. He felt like he could no longer control his emotions, and he had to, he was telling himself. He had to be in control, or he wouldn't be able to think clearly enough to do the right thing this time. Oishi knew that there was a very real risk of losing Eiji forever, even as a friend, if he made any more mistakes.
Oishi sat thinking this for a long time, until he was able to ease his thoughts into a pleasant numbness.
………………………………………………………………….
The panic Oishi had felt a little while ago had been replaced by a sensation of pure emptiness. But the emptiness was growing, and even this was quickly becoming unbearable.
To distract himself, Oishi concentrated on the sound of the rain, bouncing off the windowsills, and pinging off of the gutters outside. He thought about the locker room, about the shared space between them, of the air and the soft sounds around them. He wondered if this would be the last time he shared any kind of space with Eiji. Oishi wanted to remember it exactly so he concentrated on everything his senses could pick up on. The dust on the floor, the air slightly chilled from the rain, and the dampness. Oishi welcomed the sense of detachment that concentrating on these things provided him with right now. Oishi's mind was feeling slightly numb again, and he wondered if Eiji was feeling the same way, and if maybe that was why neither of them had said anything.
Seconds and minutes passed. Oishi was aware, somewhat peripherally, that they had been sitting in the locker room for a very long time. It was getting dark, and the rain refused to let up outside. Every once in a while Oishi stopped to wonder why Eiji hadn't moved yet, or why neither of them seemed to have any intention of speaking again, or continuing the conversation. But Oishi soon stopped wondering, knowing that he would sit there forever, if he could. If it meant Eiji wouldn't leave, and that he could stay next to him a little longer.
…………………………………………………….
Eiji had thought about getting up, but somehow his legs felt too heavy to move. He wasn't sure if he would be able to complete the process of moving forward and walking out. Eiji closed his eyes. He was tired. Really, really tired.
Eiji knew that he hadn't really meant what he said about Oishi not being worth it. He knew that Oishi was worth it. That, in fact, he was probably worth more than anything. Eiji knew this, and had known this for a long time. But right now, it just hurt. It hurt, to talk to Oishi, after being ignored for so long. It hurt a lot. Even now, even when Oishi had said those things, had said good things, it still hurt.
But Eiji guessed that it was ok to stay though, because it hurt less when he was sitting here, next to Oishi, even if they weren't saying anything, or doing anything. It hurt less here with Oishi, than it would if Eiji was walking out alone. It hurt less here, than it would at home, or anywhere else he would go. Oishi was making it hurt less just because he was here, though that hurt too, in a different way.
Eiji sighed, involuntarily, and it turned into a yawn halfway through. He was so tired. Even his eyes felt heavy. He thought about lying down again, and remembered why he hadn't last time. Eiji wondered now though, if that would really be so bad, Oishi comforting him. He pushed that thought away for a second, because he really wanted to think about what Oishi had said, and he hadn't yet.
At the time, Eiji hadn't really been able to focus on what Oishi was saying, or what it meant. He really wanted to think about it now though, since he was feeling a bit calmer. His thoughts traced back to Oishi's voice, and Eiji took a deep breath,
mentally ticking off the important things in his mind, trying to sort out what had happened.
Oishi had said he cared about Eiji, that Eiji was important, that he missed him. Oishi had apologized, and it hadn't been nearly as bad as Eiji had feared. Oishi had sincerely tried to explain his actions, and his feelings, and Oishi never talked about his feelings. Eiji remembered now, that he had interrupted Oishi too, and now he really wondered what else Oishi had planned to say to him.
Eiji realized also, that he had probably scared Oishi off a little, by crying, and getting so upset and then yelling at him. And he had said some things to Oishi that he really didn't mean, which he regretted now. There was something else too.
Eiji had been so terrified that Oishi would touch him, and then when he did…when he did, it had been wonderful, and a little scary. It scared Eiji because, like that day on the court, Eiji had felt completely out of control, and somewhat out of his element. Oishi had made him feel a little crazy, and dizzy again, and he hadn't hit his head on anything this time. Eiji wondered, for a second, if this was normal, and if Oishi had felt the same way. Still, Eiji realized that he wanted to be close to Oishi again, more than anything.
………………………………………………………………..
Oishi shifted a little on the bench, so that he was half facing Eiji. He was about to open his mouth to finally say something, to ask Eiji what he wanted to do, if he wanted Oishi to walk him home, when Eiji suddenly slid over to him, and sighed, placing his head on Oishi's shoulder, as if it were the most natural thing in the world.
"Oishi, I'm really tired," Eiji said, and moved a little closer.
It was a few seconds before Oishi remembered where he was, and to breathe again.
Eiji's voice had hinted at a slight apology, but was mostly just an honest expression of how he felt, which seemed somehow amazing to Oishi right now. Eiji had broken the tension, and Oishi couldn't have been more grateful, or more in awe of him.
The warmth of Eiji next to him penetrated Oishi's entire body, and he could feel Eiji's body move with each breath. Their legs were touching too, Oishi realized, wondering how Eiji had managed that without him noticing right away.
Oishi felt connected to Eiji again, something he hadn't felt for a very long time. After a few seconds, Eiji picked up his head, and glanced up at Oishi, his eyes penetrating. He seemed to be asking Oishi, almost daring him, to move away.
"It's ok," Oishi said, his voice shaking a little, as he forced himself to glance away from Eiji for a second. Eiji's look would have made his knees weak, if he had still been standing, he realized. "I don't want you to move."
"Good…" Eiji said the word quietly, and closed his eyes again, pressing his cheek against Oishi's shoulder and taking a deep breath.
They stayed that way for a while, neither of them moving, or speaking. Oishi was listening to Eiji's breathing, still a little awed by him, by his presence. After a few minutes, Oishi noticed Eiji's body tense up a little.
"What's wrong?" He asked softly, not wanting to disturb the level of calm he felt with Eiji so close. Eiji was breathing a little quicker now, as if he was out of breath.
"What is it?" Oishi asked again, concerned. Then he glanced at Eiji's face. It was flushed with color. Oishi quickly reached his hand around and placed it on Eiji's forehead.
"Eiji!"
Oishi was shocked. Usually if Eiji wasn't feeling well, Oishi picked up on it right away. He was immediately angry with himself, for not noticing sooner. Oishi knew that Eiji was always like this, he would push himself too far, not paying any attention to what he was doing, or to his body, but usually Oishi was there, and noticed, before…
"It's ok…" Eiji's voice was barely audible, but he softly slid his arm around Oishi's, and pulled himself closer.
"No, it's not! You're sick…" Even as Oishi said these words, and tried to formulate in his mind what he should do, he was distracted. He felt a shudder of electricity move through his body as Eiji's fingers brushed the skin on his wrist, lingering there for a second.
"Oishi, I'm ok…"
"You have a fever!" Oishi tried to tell himself to focus on taking care of Eiji. He still couldn't believe he hadn't noticed before. Oishi started to move.
"Come on, I'll take you home, ok? You have to get some rest." When Eiji didn't move, Oishi tried again, "Please, Eiji? I'm worried about you."
But Eiji was holding Oishi's arm tightly.
"I don't want to go home." His voice was quiet, and a little stubborn. "I want you to let me stay here."
Eiji kept his eyes closed, clinging to Oishi's arm. He really didn't feel sick at all, he was thinking, though his head did feel kind of warm. He had felt strange for a second before too, like he couldn't breathe, but he felt better as soon as he reminded himself that Oishi was right there, that he could feel Oishi's body, right there next to him. And now, Eiji felt better than he had felt in a long time. Oishi was concerned, was taking care of him, and was here next to him. Eiji felt ok like this, even though he knew he was being childish. But sometimes he just wanted Oishi to take care of him.
……………………………………………………….
Oishi didn't know what to say. He knew that he should probably insist on taking Eiji home. But Eiji… Eiji was pressed up against him, he was so close, and Oishi could feel the tension between them dissolving. All the thoughts he had been having, the panic, and the emptiness, seemed to be dissolving too. Oishi realized he couldn't move; it was impossible.
Oishi waited a few minutes, listening to Eiji's breathing become slower and more measured, and then he carefully moved his arm from under Eiji when he felt Eiji's grip loosen. He gently shifted, guiding Eiji's head onto his lap. He watched as Eiji shifted around slowly, stretching out his legs on the bench. Oishi reached for his jacket, which he had somehow thrown onto the floor by his feet, though he couldn't remember when. Oishi lightly placed the jacket over Eiji's back, feeling a shiver run down his spine as Eiji curled tighter next to him.
Eiji seemed ok, but Oishi was still worried, and had to fight the urge to check Eiji's head every few minutes to make sure his fever wasn't getting any worse. Oishi relaxed after a while though, listening to Eiji's breathing. He was fine, Oishi was telling himself. Somehow, everything was fine.
More than anything, Oishi wanted Eiji to stay here, with him. Part of him was still afraid that Eiji would wake up, and this feeling would be gone. Oishi laid his arm across Eiji's back, surprised at how he could feel the curves of his muscles, even through his jacket. Eiji shifted closer to him at his touch, and Oishi wondered if maybe he wasn't asleep, but then he heard his slow, drawn out breath again and he knew he must be.
Everything about Eiji was somehow surprising and wonderful to Oishi right now, and he smiled.
………………………………………………….
Eiji opened his eyes, and blinked sleepily, realizing that Oishi was gently shaking his shoulder. Oishi must have moved him after he'd fallen asleep, he was thinking, because his head was on Oishi's lap now, his legs stretched along the bench. He could feel Oishi's arm resting around his shoulders now, probably making sure he didn't fall onto the floor.
Eiji smiled, thinking of Oishi trying to protect him, wondering for a second how Oishi always managed to make him feel completely safe and comfortable. It made him feel a little warm inside too and Eiji closed his eyes, concentrating on the feel of Oishi's fingers curving around his shoulder, before he started to move.
Eiji sniffled, moving his hand to his head. He wrinkled his nose as he sat up, looking at Oishi for sympathy.
Eiji couldn't figure it out, but somehow he felt like the tension had cleared between them. Eiji had acted on impulse, because he had wanted to be close to Oishi, and was sure it had been the wrong thing to do. He had been afraid that Oishi might even push him away. Because this was something serious, and Eiji knew he was acting like a little kid. He had actually done things like this before, Eiji remembered, when he was a little kid, to get out of being in trouble, or when he felt really guilty about something.
But now Eiji found himself smiling inside, because it had worked. He felt, for the first time in a long time, that things might be ok. He had said that he couldn't forgive Oishi, but as he felt Oishi's arm wrap around him, securing his jacket around his shoulders, and then lingering there for a second, Eiji wondered if he hadn't forgiven him already.
"Were you actually asleep that whole time?" Oishi asked him, smiling slightly tentatively.
"Maybe…" Eiji flashed a smile and squeezed Oishi's arm, trying to reassure him that he was ok.
Oishi smiled back, seeming slightly relieved.
"You kept moving around, and once I thought you were talking to me but… You were seriously asleep the whole time?"
"Nya, Oishi, I was asleep! I wasn't talking!" He shook his head in disbelief. "No way…"
But then Eiji laughed, realizing that this was probably true. His family had often teased him for talking, sometimes having whole conversations with himself in his sleep. He pondered this for a second, lowering his voice conspiratorially.
"What did I say?"
Oishi shrugged his shoulders, trying not to smile at the seriously concerned look on Eiji's face.
"Probably something about tennis. About how mean your doubles partner is?"
Eiji's face was suddenly serious, capturing Oishi attention, and causing the slight smile to freeze on his lips. For some reason, in that second, Eiji realized that he had forgiven Oishi. He wasn't sure if he even remembered any more what it was he was supposed to be mad about, as silly and naïve as that seemed, even to him. But it was true.
"Nya, Oishi, it's ok. I forgive you." And then Eiji smiled, moving closer to Oishi, "I knew you didn't mean it."
Then Eiji shook his head to emphasize that he meant it, at the look of complete shock and surprise on Oishi's face.
"I knew. It's ok." Eiji said again, with a level of conviction that surprised even himself, and completely amazed Oishi.
Eiji hadn't even realized that he felt this way until the words were out of his mouth. But, he knew that he had no second thoughts. Part of him really had known, just like part of him had known how much he loved Oishi before Aoi had forced it out of him. Besides, he had wanted to forgive Oishi all along, and so, it was ok. Eiji smiled to himself, realizing that Oishi must really be confused, and probably thought he was crazy. He would have to explain later, but that was ok. There were still a lot of things that Eiji wanted to say, and things he wanted to ask Oishi, but it would just have to wait until later. Right now he wanted to go home, and…
Oishi's fingers were suddenly parting the hair away from his forehead, and touching Eiji's skin. He almost made a noise, he was so startled, until he realized that he really, really loved how it felt when Oishi touched his face. He reminded himself that Oishi was just checking his head for a fever, but still… He relaxed, closing his eyes, not wanting Oishi to move his hand. Eiji wondered if he sighed out loud.
When he opened his eyes, Oishi was staring at him, looking concerned.
"You're still a little warm. Do you feel any better?" Oishi asked, and watched Eiji nod and smile slightly.
Eiji smile grew a little, as he thought of Oishi's fingers brushing his hair away, and of waking up on Oishi's lap.
"Nya, I'm ok, just tired, and my head hurts. But mostly good. Happy. Better." And then Eiji smiled again, a big, genuine smile.
Oishi watched the smile spread on Eiji's face, wondering if maybe he had been the one who had fallen asleep, and was now dreaming. Had Eiji just said that everything was ok, and that he was happy? It was just too much to process, that Eiji would actually say something like that honestly, after Oishi had hurt him so much. And Eiji still trusted him enough to stay here with him, and to fall asleep…
Eiji was leaning forward, looking at Oishi, concerned.
"Oishi?"
And suddenly Oishi felt Eiji's fingers around his hand, squeezing gently.
"Oishi, how do you feel?"
Oishi's hand tingled a little from the sensation, and he felt his stomach flutter. Then he realized that he must have looked sad, or worried, or lost in thought for a second, and that maybe Eiji thought he was upset. And he wasn't, at all anymore. He was a little worried about what would happen next, but he felt a hundred times better than he had an hour ago. Oishi tried to give Eiji an honest answer, thinking.
"I'm…happy. Surprised, and relieved. A little amazed. But mostly happy, really happy."
Eiji smiled, squeezed Oishi's hand a little tighter, and snuggled next to him for a second, forgetting for a second about any inhibitions, however slight, he might have had. This was good, Eiji was thinking, really good.
It took Oishi a second to regain his senses, but he managed, gradually getting used to Eiji being next to him, touching him. He just really was at a loss as to how suddenly the situation had gone from horrible to…this, in so little time. But he was really, really happy, and decided just to concentrate on that instead.
"Well, the rain finally stopped." Oishi said finally, realizing that he really should be responsible and take Eiji home. Eiji was sick, he reminded himself. Sighing, Oishi looked at his watch.
"We should probably go. It's getting late, and your parents are probably worried. Should we call them? Eiji?" Oishi was watching the grin that was spreading across Eiji's face, slightly confused.
"Typical Oishi…" Eiji said, and when Oishi returned his smile, he thought he might melt into the floor.
Eiji then listened intently, nodding occasionally and trying not to smile too much, as Oishi insisted that they take a taxi because it might start to rain again, and they didn't have an umbrella, and Eiji was already sick, and that from the taxi Eiji would call his parents and let them know that he was ok, and that he was on his way home.
Eiji was thinking about how much he had missed Oishi, even Oishi in his serious-planning-and-worrying mode, and Eiji suddenly had the urge to jump for joy. He really felt sure that things would be ok now, and suddenly he wanted to announce this to the entire world. But then he remembered that he was sick. Right now, he was sick and this was an excellent opportunity to be taken care of…by Oishi. All the rest could wait until later.
Eiji's smile grew a little more, as they got up to leave.
…………………………………………..
A/N: So there's the resolution…Yay! Finally happy:) I feel like I've been waiting a long time for that, which might seem strange, as I could have done it whenever I wanted, right? Anyway, I realize I could probably stop here, but I kind of want them to be happy just a little longer, you know? Thanks so much to everyone for reading and reviewing!