Memories

Chapter 1. My Life

Life has a funny way of catching up on you, you can spend years of your life in ignorant bliss and then one day... Bam. There life is staring you in the face haunting you, your past mistakes, may they be 2, 5 or even 10 years ago, have caught up to you and are causing you so much pain and agony. I used to live in ignorance, my past buried deep in my mind. Living my life in the worst possible way. I used to love life. Get up each morning full of energy, a positive perspective on life, the sun always shinning over me.
High school was the best time of my life, it was hard I must admit sometimes I just wanted to give in... But I never did. Most of the time I was with my friends, the pod squad. Liz was my best friend in the whole world, when we were little we would always make up stories about us as old pensioners, still friends never losing touch, we even said we'd die on the same day!
I was naive. I expected life to be simple, our friendship would last everything, the hardest trials. In reality life didn't happen like that. Life didn't ask me what I wanted, it just gave me what it had to spare. High school were the best years of my life. Love, Romance, Adventure, Friendship. After high school, my happy go lucky approach to life ended. I had to grow up fast. I had to learn to live, to take care of myself, to survive on my own.
That was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do, to survive on my own. Even though I might have thought it at times, I was never on my own, ever in my life.
My mom was always there for me, no matter what I thought she was.
Then there were my friends. The people I felt closest to, the people I would have gladly dies for, the people who tore my world apart.

After graduation, and the FBI had were hot on out tail, we decided to leave Roswell... For good. We all knew that we had to give up our lives in order to save ourselves.
What I didn't realises was that I didn't need to be saved. I wasn't one of them, just like Jesse wasn't one of them. We were normal, what is normal anyway? Well we weren't aliens... After Liz started getting her powers we all knew Kyle would soon follow, after all Max had healed him as well as Liz. Jesse and I, we were human, we had no alien powers what so ever... We were never any use to them, and would only slow them down.
I stood in front of the Michael, the man I had loved unconditionally for 3 years, as he told me that I couldn't come with them, as he told me that I would slow them down and eventually get them killed.
I stood beside Jesse as he fell to the ground, as his wife turned her back on him and got into the car.
I feel to the ground as Michael, Liz, Kyle, Max and Isabel drove out of my life.
That was the turning point in my life. That was the event that ruined my life.
That was the event that lead to the suicide of Jesse.
After the funeral, I couldn't take Roswell anymore.
My mom constantly trying to get me to leave the house. Jim, the Parker's, and the Evans constant questions about there children. Everything I used to love about Roswell, I now hated.

Isn't it strange how your life can change so quickly, by even the tiniest of events.
New York was exactly the place I needed to be. It was huge giving me the opportunity to get lost in the crowd. It gave me the change to give my music career a proper go, but music made things worse.
Memories of the past followed me everywhere I went.
Memories of Alex, of Michael, of Roswell. Memories I needed to forget.
Clubs and bars where the only gigs I got. Sleazy people... I got involved in a lot of dodgy stuff. Drugs was one of many.
One night at a gig, a regular gave me some E to try... And after that he became my dealer. When I couldn't pay for it I gave him my body instead. He got me involved in strip clubs and prostitution.
I hated every single moment of it... But it was money and gave me my next fix. Eventually I gave up on music all together, it didn't make me enough money and my heart just wasn't there any more.
My life spiralled out of control. I turned to alcohol, got drunk and stoned every night, sleeping with anyone I fell into bed with.
I was disgusted with myself, and became depressed.
I couldn't control any aspect of my life, I wanted to die, for all my pain to end.
I Slit my wrists every night. Once or twice a week I would go to far and be carted off in an ambulance. I took overdoses everyday. I jumped in front of a bus in a final bid of desperation... Only to wake from a coma 2 weeks later.
Nothing helped me. I lived in a constant hell, tormented day and night.

After 5 years of this I received a phone call one night.
"What?" I said in my usual stoned voice.
"Ma...Maria..." The voice replied.
It had been 6 years since I had heard that voice. It was a voice I could never forget.
"Michael..." I said in a moment of weakness.
I quickly overcame this emotion. 6 years and no word. And now he had the cheek to call me, to drag back all of these... Memories.
"You... You... Why? Why do you have to do this to me? Is it not enough that you have ruined my life? That you left me on a roadside to live this pathetic excuse for a life? But you have to rub it in my face? You bastard. Burn in hell"
I slammed the phone, and disconnected the line.
Running from my apartment with the few possessions I had, I left. I stayed with my dealer after that. Sleeping with him to pay my rent. My existence was lower than low.
I cried myself to sleep every night. I had constant bags under my eyes and bruises all over my body.
When Scott my dealer started hitting me I thought nothing of it, this was my life.
Eventually after being raped and hit every night I gave up fighting, and hope.

6 months ago I left. I woke up one day and had had enough. I got back into my old music career, I found I new range of emotions to sing about, not my usual happy go lucky, love/friendship related lyrics, but those of angst and the last 7 years of my life.
Even though I still had all the problems I had before I was free, my life wasn't perfect but it was good enough, and I would have to settle.
Life picked up a little, I got a few regular jobs, singing in some clubs and bars.
My songs were well likes with the younger crowd of Goths. I made some demos but never had any real interest.
My apartment was in the heart of New York City. I loved the hustle and bustle of my everyday life. I loved waking up to the smell of coffee, from the small cafe below.
One morning I got the biggest shock of my life.
One that brought back memories of my past life in Roswell. The life I had tried so hard to forget.
The secret I had kept back then, tore my insides apart but there was no way I could have shared that secret with anyone. Not my mom, not Michael and not even my best friend Liz.
I felt so alone back then.
But I'm 27 years old now. I don't feel alone... I am very alone, I have no one.
But life can be different.
A fresh start, or so I thought.