Memories

Chapter 2. Secrets Revealed

A fresh start, or so I thought.

I knew I had to give up my lifestyle. I was 2 months pregnant. The doctors were worried, I had been doing drugs and drinking for 8 years straight... My baby was in danger, if I didn't do something fast he/she would die.
Of course it was going to be difficult. I couldn't give up drugs completely, the baby was probably hooked... And the withdrawal symptoms would kill it.
BAD BAD BAD. I thought it would be simple, but things were so complicated and I had no one to hold my hand, no one to look after me. Life carried on like this, me feeling sorry for myself hoping and praying things would work out. But 7 months into the pregnancy, I was rushed into hospital, the baby was in big trouble, and I had no idea what to do.

"Mom" I said into the receiver after dialling my old number, etched into my mind.
"Maria... Baby is that you"
Yep that was my mom. Emotions running through her shaking voice. The last time I had seen or talked to her was the day I left Roswell. She only ever wanted the best for me. But she couldn't help me. No one could have helped me get over the loss of my friends, then Jesse.
"Hey, yeah its me... Mom I'm so sorry I haven't called but I'm all alone and I need someone right now." I cried.
"Ria baby I've missed you too! How are you, what's wrong"
"Things have been so hard mom, I got into a load of stupid stuff, I'm pregnant, and the baby's in trouble, I might lose it!" I cried... I let everything out, told my mother everything I had done since leaving Roswell 8 years ago.
We cried for a while then she stopped deadly series.
"Maria, I want you to come home"
"No. No... Mom you don't get it I cant... I can't ever go back there, EVER"
"Maria, Maria listen, they came back... They came back and I have their cell phone number"
"Wha"
I couldn't believe what I was hearing. My mother had the cell phone number of my friends, of Michael. What would I say? Hey everyone I'm an alcoholic, junkie and got pregnant after being raped by my dealer... Nope don't think that would do it.
"Baby I'm coming to get you, I'm coming to get you..."

After that my baby died. I gave birth to a baby girl. She was dead, a stillborn.
My whole world collapsed, I always knew things would be hard... But I never imagined feeling so empty and alone.
For 7 glorious months I was gonna be a mom. I had a new start, something to look forward to, now I have nothing, no one.
I was right back to square one, only now my life didn't matter.
The grief I feel inside is out of control, I cried myself to sleep.
This white cell of pain is my punishment, my punishment for the life I have been leading.
I remembered Roswell, and my secret... A fresh wave of pain and nausea swept over me.

Lying on this hospital bed, in this white room, everything is so perfect... So neat and tidy. I just wanna get up and scream! Tear the place apart. My baby is dead! MY BABY IS DEAD!
I don't even turn around when the nurse walks in.
"Maria you have some visitors"
Visitors, who cares. Maybe Scott found out about his baby... No he was lying stoned in a coma somewhere.
Fresh tears ran down my already tear stricken face, my once beautiful face, now all that was left was years of abuse, neglect and terrible pain.
I heard foot steps and then.
"Maria"
"Hey"
"Oh my god"
"Um... Hi"
The different voices I remembered them all, voices from my past. Liz, Kyle, Isabel and Max.
"Hey Ria"
Michael... I couldn't contain myself all my emotions broke loose and I broke down, sobbing uncontrollably, shaking so hard... I turned round, everyone gasped my eyes were blood shot, my face so very pale something they had never seen before was here instead of their Maria, the carefree 19 year old Maria, the person I wanted to be.
Michael walked towards me and sat on the small hospital bed I possessed.
He put his warm, soft hands onto my cold broken skin. He ran his fingers through my tangled hair all the time looking into my eyes.
Michael had never seen these eyes before. My once crystal clear blue eyes were clouded. They didn't belong to the Maria he knew, I was a stranger... An alien.
Ha an alien... I had become the thing Michael told me I wasn't.
He smiled slightly and put his soft subtle lips onto my sore cracked ones. Not the lips he remembered.
I let a sob escape my lips as I pushed the hair from my face. Another gasp.

My arms were covered in scars. Scars from where I had cut myself, scars from where I injected Poisson into my body... The scars no one had wanted me to receive. When they left all those years ago, even though I didn't want to believe it, they had left for my protection... To save me from the evil of the world. How wrong could these people have been.
I smiled they thought they knew pain, but as I looked into the faces of the people I once shared my life with I laughed inside... They were horrified.
"Ha, what's wrong? You thought my perfect little life would be untouched? You thought leaving me by my self would somehow save me"
I laughed again, turning my attention to Isabel.
"Jesse couldn't stand when you left him, I had to drag him off the road. He wrote a note, before he did it"
Tears ran slowly down Isabel's face.
"It said he couldn't live without you... So instead of going after you he put a pistol in his mouth"
I now turned to Michael, sitting silently beside me.
"Hey baby what's wrong? You can't believe you did this to poor innocent Maria"
Michael reached for my hand, trying to provide some sort of comfort for the girl he once called his girlfriend... His soul mate. I pulled away letting my tears flow freely.
"I lost my baby yesterday... My baby is dead." I whispered.
"Doesn't matter, I'm used to be being alone... Probably wouldn't have got off the drugs anyway. You know how she was conceived? I was raped"
Shock. The only word I could find for the look on all 5 people in front of me.
"Oh no don't worry, he was my dealer" I said closing my eyes.
"All he was doing was collecting rent" I sobbed.
I turned back towards Michael, my face total chaos.
"You know what's so painful... This isn't even the first baby I've lost! Back in high school I found out I was pregnant. Of course it was Michael's but I was so scared. What my mom had gone through having me so young and my dad leaving I couldn't go through that with Michael, so I had an abortion... And no one even knew"
I closed my eyes taking a deep breath. Why was I doing this? Causing everyone around me so much pain, dragging feeling that should be forgotten back into the open.
"I'm so sorry" Michael replied. "I never knew"
"Maria... We wanted to come back for you, we really did but it was too dangerous." Liz said.
"Maria..." Isabel sobbed. "I loved Jesse"
I nodded.
"You all had to do what you did. But you didn't have to come here. My life is so different now. I'm not the Maria DeLuca you all remember. I changed my life for the worse with the choices I made, and I swear to god if I could I would take them all back. But this is my life. You have to let me live it... Alone"
"Ria I have waited so long to see you, and I'm so sorry but I will not leave you here alone... Like this." Michael said pointing to me.
And as I fell into my old lovers arms sobbing about everything and anything I knew life would get better... It had to.
After all my life couldn't get any worse...