A/N: First things first. I want to say, the majority of this chapter is in First Person. I wanted to get into the head of one of the characters and give their thoughts and I did not feel third person would do it justice. So, hence the first person. I really did not want to switch POV's in the story, but I felt it necessary for this chapter and another section in a later chapter.

Secondly, I want to have another poll. One of my friends is helping me write Hedwig's Rant. Which is pretty much a bash against Harry Potter in general…we have Hedwig whom we see as a misunderstood godfather-type, Fawkes who is the arrogant jerk, Crookshanks the gangsta cat, and Rita Skeeter the 'poor' interviewer. I was not going to post it, but I am being told by my friends that I must. So, I am taking votes. I will warn you, it has literally no plot and is just straight up humor. It's not for the serious people or those who lack in a sense of humor. Again, you will miss nothing to the story if you do not read it, because really, the only thing it reflects in the story is Hedwig staying a month at Hermione's. That's it. The rest…well…I'll just leave it like that. So, Votes please? (Btw: all of my friends, you're votes are minimal to me because I know what you want already, plus most of you have read it or know the contents).

Onto other News! Elektra is a great movie. I recommend it.

Writingjustforfun: I know, I really did not think this story was ever going to end! :D I know what you mean about reviewers. That's why I refer in my A/N's as multiples or a group of people because I have a hunch there are readers who are not reviewing glares at them I do the same thing when I'm busy.

About my A/N's, I address my reviewers in them because I saw someone else do it in a story I read a long time ago, and it did feel nice to know the author appreciated the comments and commented back on them. So I felt I would do that also.

About Dumbledore with ADD, I really did not know how else to describe his personality. I find myself thinking of that when I read the books, so I thought, eh, why not? Glad to know I'm not the only one who ponders about Dumbledore and McGonagall. And my friends all told me 'we told you so' when I told them you liked the idea of Hedwig's Rant. LOL
Stella Blu: I just want to say first, I saw you posted a couple new stories and I haven't had time to R/R because finals are next week and I'm typing this when I should be studying. Eh, oh well. It's ok about the reviewing, I really don't mind, I was just trying to get people to feel bad and review for me. LOL! I guess it didn't work…oh well. Glad to know you like it and Yes, it's really almost over. cries my baby's almost complete wipes away tears ;D
Anywho, enough about my babblings and onto the real reason you are all here (though I'm sure you love my babblings and quirky life, but hey, I can only do so much, right? And see? Here I go again babbling when I say I'm going to stop and I think I ate too much popcorn at the movies and I'm really done now so I'm going to go on and type the story now.)

Chapter 33: Midnight Ponderings

I lay on my bed, wide awake, listening to Ron's loud snoring. The Order meeting had ended moments before and I could hear my parents and Sirius cleaning up the drinks everyone had had.

I know I was one of their topics of conversation. I know I am disappointing everyone the longer I can't remember. I try to remember, it's just…it's like there's a road block and every time I get close to it, the cops step up and tell you to get out of the area. And I retreat again.

I'm getting the feeling everyone's hiding something from me; like why my scar mysteriously caused me to black out, and when I look at the old headmaster I see looks of pity and just maybe, remorse.

So now I lay here, trying to make sense of my life. I guess the darkness is the best time to reflect; since I fee like I'm living in with the lights out in my head and the little guy who holds my memories locked up and went on vacation to the Caribbean, or something like that, forgetting that I need him to leave me the keys. To let me tend to the place in his absence.

My friends all try to pretend nothing is wrong. But I can see the looks of sympathy in their gazes. Especially Hermione. I just want to go to sleep and wake up with the lights on in my head, just once. I don't think it's that unusual of a request.

I know I should be happy I'm alive. From what I've been told, I should be dead. I can't help but think part of me is dead anyway.

I've began to read about amnesia lately. The books I'm reading are all medical with a book cover from another book. I don't want them to know my fears. To know I'm afraid of not remembering. The same fear they all have. I sigh. Anyway, my point is from what the books say, there are several theories based on head injuries and memory loss. In one theory, usually someone looses their memory because they wanted to forget. It just makes me wonder…could something have been that bad that I wanted to forget everything? And if I really wanted to forget it, then do I want to remember it all over again?

Theses are the questions that have been plaguing me all day and I am no where closer to the answer. I don't think I ever will be.

There is another fact about amnesia I found…I could remember everything in a second. Just poof, everything would be there, or it could come back to me slowly like a leaky faucet and I could even never remember. That scares me. Which now leads me to another problem.

I'm in love with Hermione Granger. That much is true. I also suspect she feels the same way about me. So, now I think to myself, what's the problem? And the problem, well it's me. Because she's in love with the me I can't remember being. I could tell when she was telling me the story of our first year at Hogwarts. See the problem? If I can't remember being me, then how am I still supposed to be the me she loves? Experiences, memories, living all make a person. I have a clean slate right now. A new start and just maybe, a new personality. Just thinking about all of this is beginning to make my head hurt. But then again, that could be the result of the mysterious throbbing scar.

I can hear my parents and Sirius coming up the stairs and going into their rooms. I lay still on my bed for a moment, breaking myself from my thoughts. I tried to fall asleep again, but my mind was working overtime. I sighted and reached over for the amnesia book I had placed on the night stand earlier. I tossed the duvet off of me and crept slowly down the stairs, careful not to step on the creaky parts I learned about earlier.

I made my way through the downstairs to a room that is off to the side. I placed the book down on the end table by a large sofa and picked up the matchbox and lit a single match. I brought the tiny flame to a couple of candles before blowing the flame out before it burned my hand.

end of first person

He sat down on the large sofa and pulled his legs up so he was curled in a comfortable position and opened the book and began reading on the marked page. He got so engrossed with what he was reading he did not hear anyone step into the room

"Hey." A small voice said. It startled Harry and he quickly looked up to see Hermione standing there.

She wore her pajamas under her red robe which was tied closed. Her hair was puffed out in every direction, but she still managed to look as beautiful as ever.

"Hey," He said, and marked his page while closing the book. Hermione crossed the room and sat down next to him.

"What are you doing up?" He asked her. Hermione smiled at him.

"I could ask you the same thing."

"Couldn't sleep." Harry stated, looking over at her.

"Anything you want to talk about?" She asked, looking concerned.

"Just have a lot on my mind. I'm trying to sort it all out." Harry answered with a shrug. Hermione looked slightly disappointed by his reply.

"You know if you need to talk, I'm always here." She stated with a smile. Harry returned her soft smile and nodded in acknowledgement. The two friends sat in silence, both lost in their own thoughts.

"Hey, Hermione?"

"Yes?"
"What were you about to tell me yesterday?" He asked, looking her into the eyes and saw her frown slightly but not say anything. She then looked away from his questioning gaze as if she were ashamed of herself. After a pause, she looked back up at him.

"I was going to say because I care about you and we've been god friends." Harry nodded, feeling his heart sink slightly. Maybe he was wrong about their relationship. Hermione looked back down at her hands and neither of them said another word. Silence stretched before them but not an uncomfortable silence.

Hermione yawned and Harry glared at her playfully.

"Don't do that! Don't you know it's-"And Harry yawned before he could finish his statement.

"Contagious?" Hermione finished for him.

"Yes." Hermione shrugged and smiled at his answer.

"Well, I'm going back to bed. I am tired and I'm sure you should get some sleep too." Hermione stated, getting off the couch.

"I'll be up there later. I'm not really that tired." Harry stated. Hermione nodded and started to leave the room and once she stood in the archway she turned around. "Good night Harry."

"Good morning, you mean." Harry pointed out, glancing at the old clock that hung on the wall.

Hermione gave him a look that read 'You know what I mean' and left the room. Harry sighed and went to pick up his book again. He paused as he did so, and looked at it thoughtfully. He stood up finally and blew out the candles, leaving himself in the dark before walking up the stairs to the room he shared with Ron Weasly, the freight train.