A/N: First off, I want to say I'm not going to individually address my reviewers this time. Everyone liked the ending and had no big questions/concerns/or comments, and I will be repeating myself a lot so I want to say Thank You all for your reviews. I appreciate them. I'm glad you all stumbled upon my story and gave it the chance I know it deserves. (can't help that I'm biased against my work, now can I?) You all made me keep interest in my story and I looked forward to checking my email to see what you were going to say next. Thank you again.

Next, Yes this is Hedwig's Rant. For those of you who ignore my a/n's, and I'm sure you won't read it anyway, but, eh, oh well, this is not really a big part of this story, but I put it with it because some of the events mentioned take place during this plot line, so Anywho, I hope you all enjoy and understand I have a twisted sense of humor and this really has no plot. :D It's meant to entertain myself and my friends, and hopefully, my newfound readers.

Now, a bit of background to this story, Characters:

Hedwig: obviously. Hedwig will be represented by a 'H' through out this chapter. It is wrote in script form and I'm to lazy to keep typing out the same characters names over and over again. My co-author and I see Hedwig as…misunderstood. Ignored. And almost God-Father like. You'll see what I mean later. On a side note, my co-author wrote Hedwig.

Rita Skeeter: Represented by a 'R'. Well, we all know Rita. I tried to keep her true-to-form, but hey, gatta add my own twist in there. I mainly wrote Rita's character.

FawkesRepresented by an 'F'. We see Fawkes as arrogant. He's the 'cool' phoenix and well, we just thought he should be an arrogant jerk. Both of us wrote Fawkes, but I think I wrote more of him than my friend.

Crookshanks: Represented by a 'C.S.'. Crookshanks we see as a gangsta. Hedwig and Crookshanks are homies. C.S. tends to do a lot of H's dirty work. You'll see what I mean later. ;D My friend tends to write more CS than I do, but we both wrote him.

BuckBeakrepresented by a 'B.B.'. BuckBeak is what we think of as the gossiper of the group. We both used B.B. about the same.

Pig: Represented by a 'P'. Pig…well…we see Pig as the small owl with a very deep voice. He doesn't really have a set personality, except we thought it would be humorous if Pig had a very deep voice.

AnubusRepresented by an 'A'. Now, the Anubus is from Kingdom Hospital. Don't ask why we included him, we just did. (don't worry, it's not for long we use him). Some background on the Anubus. He is generally seen as a giant anteater do to a child's misunderstanding of what he is. The Anubus does not have a true form is called "Antibus" by Mary (whom I'll talk about later). My understanding (any k.h. people, feel free to correct me) is that the anubus is like…the thing who decides who lives and who dies. Most of the time, he lets the people die, but he will intervene and try to save you if you help him. His favorite lines throughout the show is "You do me a solid. I do you a solid. That's how it works." Please note, this is not the way the anubus's personality is. We just chose to make fun of him.

Mary: Represented by the letter 'M'. Mary is also a Kingdom Hospital character. Mary is best described as "The dead girl with a bell". She's probably eight years old and she's been with the Anubus since just before her own death. (long story, please don't ask me to explain it). Mary is ashen looking, she has dark hair, pale complexion (which actually looks gray-ish), black rings around her eyes, black lips, and gray dress. She does not have any color on her and is dead. The bell she has around her neck, when she rings the bell, usually people tend to die. You'd have to see Kingdom Hospital for an explanation, as I will not give away the whole mini-series plot. That's about all there is to know about the Kingdom characters. Like I said, they only appear for a short period of time and then they disappear.

Harry, Ron, and Hermione also make an appearance in this towards the end, but they won't be abbreviated because they only show up for a short period. :D I hope you all enjoy and that should be it with the explanations for Hedwig's Rant. Hope you all enjoy this mindless humor.

Anything between is an action or some kind of tone of voice.

Please note: I do not really know where this takes place. For awhile we thought it would work at Privot Drive, but then we scratched that idea, once we thought of Grimmauld Place, there was talk of the Gryffindor Common Room, but I think it's officially the Room of Requirement. I don't know, take your pick. The set doesn't really matter as there is really no point to it anyway. :D Hope you enjoy!

Hedwig's Rant

please at least skim the authors note! I do mention some things that would be helpful to you

Rita: mutters I can't believe this! My lawyers are going to here about this one! I am a respectable writer and they were now ruining my career! I mean, it could not have come on it's own! For crying out loud, they want me to interview a bird! walks into room

Hedwig: Oh, you have nothing to complain about. Try having a diet of dead rodents and living with Miss. All-I-Ever-Talk-About-Is-Harry!

R: deadpans You can talk!? Oh my god! I'm going crazy!

H: Of course I can talk! But I'm not going to argue the feat that you are going crazy.

R: well…evil grin So, what's the dirt on Harry Potter?

H: Dirt? Harry Potter is not covered in dirt! Where did you get that from?

R: I know that! The gossip…the 4-1-1!

H: What the bloody hell is 4-1-1?! For god's sake woman, I'm just a flippin' owl!

R: Never mind. So, sources tell me you stayed a month with Miss. Hermione Granger…how was that? Takes out pen, looking bored and begins to take notes

H: ruffles feathers and screeches Don't get me started on that! That was the most boring month of my life! I mean, I almost died of boredom!

R: Care to elaborate?

H: She only did two things all day: Cry that Harry was gone, or talk to ME about how much she missed Harry! And let me tell you, once she started, she never shut her gob!

R: sounding interestedWhat all did she say?

H: mocking Hermione Harry used to do this…Me and Harry…Harry and Ron…I miss Harry…I wish Harry were here…I hope Harry is alive…continues on for 3 minutes I want Harry to know how much I love him…

R: Really? Is that a direct quote?

H: Those are the only things she said all flippin' month if that's what you mean. For being top of her class, her vocabulary is very limited.

R: Well, does Harry love Hermione?

H: How the hell should I know?! I've almost gone deaf from the amount of talking Hermione did. I can barely hear anything anymore.

R: Are you going to sue? You never read or know the contents of the letters Harry has you send? It's only proper he should let you know these things. There are Owl Union's you know.

H: Of course I know! I'm part of an Owl Union…which reminds me…I should give them a ring…

R: Really?! What for?

H: Because I want to! Stay out of my business!

R: Ok, ok…touchy.

H: makes threatening movements You want some? Huh? Huh? Huh? Do ya?

R: You hurt me and you'll hear from my lawyers.

H: I'd like to see you try and sue an owl. You'll be a laughing stock.

R: Well..I am recording this conversation. I have proof you've been talking.

H: Hoot…Hoot…looks around Hoot!

R: Why me…I'll need therapy after this one…

H: Therapy! You think you need therapy! Try living with psycho-Harry-stalker for a month then talk to me about therapy!
R: mutters try having a psycho bird…talks normally Yes, well, Ms. Granger is rather dull…

H: The life of Harry Potter Is dull compared to what Hermione is! Talk talk talk! Bitch bitch bitch! Lurk lurk lurk!

R: Really? Better than going up against Voldemort?

H: Well, maybe I exaggerate but some of the letters she's written to Viktor Krum…now those are interesting. But he's in the past now. Now it's only Harry.

R: Interesting how?

H: let's just say that she's…how should I put it…desperate to find that special someone.

R: So, you're saying she's a slut?

H: Well…to my knowledge she's never…eh, slept around…but I was only with her for a month so…

R: So you're saying she needs to get laid?

H: screeches excitedly Yes! I've been telling Harry to do that for years!

R: Oh, so Harry does not listen to you? shakes head pitifully tell me…looks at notes Hedwig, does Harry Potter ever neglect you?

H: Neglect is such a strong word so no. He does tend to ignore me at times then expect me to do my job as happy as can be, which is annoying sometimes. But I have a clean cage to come home to and a full food dish…most of the time.

R: Shame, Shame. So, you're often treated unfairly Shakes head

H: bows head Yes…it ahs always been Harry, Ron, or Hermione, never Hedwig. My work goes unappreciated.

R: What kind of work do you do? Just for clarification purposes for my readers. They love the juicy details.

H: What juicy details? I'm given a letter, I deliver the letter. I go home and stare at the wall. Woohoo! I hate being an owl. I have the worst life ever! Maybe I should look into changing into a phoenix. Now there's a bird that gets respect.

R: Well, that shouldn't be too hard. Just some simple transfigurations…

H: flaps wings does it look like I can hold a wand? No, I'm kind of in the lack of fingers smart one.

R: I did not say you could do it.

H: You insinuated it.

R: I did not!

H: Did to!

R: I will not repeat myself and participate in this childish display of idiosyncrasy.

H: Don't make me bite you.

R: sing song voice Childish

H: That's it, you asked for it! flies at Rita and bites her on the nose and flies back to her perch

R: Ow! Damn owl! I was going to offer to do the transfiguration, but maybe I'll just turn you into a stupid sparrow instead.

H: You want some more? Huh?! I've got homies to come back me up!

R: You know what a homie is but not 4-1-1?

H: EVERYONE knows what a homie is!

R: sighs

H: mocks Rita by sighing also

R: damn bird

H: that's damn owl to you!

Before Rita can answer, Fawkes flies in

Fawkes: Oh, don't let me interrupt…

R: And you are??

F: Dumbledore's Phoenix.

H: rolls eyes Do you mind!? I'm in the middle of an interview here!

F: You…being interviewed…laughs uncontrollably

R: mutters Maybe I can finally get somewhere…

F: If you want someone WORTHY of an interview…come talk to ME.

H: Oh no you don't flameball! This is my interview! Not yours!

F: turns away from Hedwig Anyways, as you were saying Ms. Skeeter?

H: NO! THIS IS MY INTERVIEW! MINE! MINE MINE MINE!!!

F: shouting over Hedwig I THINK HE'S A GOOD BOY! A NICE LAD HE IS!

R: Hedwig, calm down. We have time for both your comments.

F: smiles smugly at Hedwig Such a childish display of jealousy.

H: NO! you only have time for me!

F: Like I was saying. Good lad Harry Potter is.

R: Hedwig, why don't you like Fawkes?

H: Look at him! Flaunting around his man-prettiness around in an arrogant way! Bastard!

F: I resent that! I have a father!

H: Why me cruel world? Why me?

R: Famous last words..interesting choice.

H: Go soak your head Skeeter.

F: Well, that was rude.

R: Hedwig, did you not say you WANTED to be a phoenix?

F: laughs Ha! Hedwig! A Phoenix?! snorts

H: glares You asked for it Fireball! CROOKSHANS!

F: And what do you think that furball is going to do, come to your rescue?

H: Damn straight!

Crookshanks: Yo Homie! Sup Dawg?

R: Are we in the Ghetto now?

H: Taps her wing to her chest and jerks her head upwards Old Fawkes here is getting up in my bizznass homie.

CS: Don't worry Hedwig old girl..I'll take care of him.

F: laughs YOU? Take care of ME!? Hahahahahahahahah!

CS: hisses and pounces on fawkes as the phoenix turns back to Rita

F: eek! bursts into flames

CS: looks pleased and struts away from the pile of ashes

F: baby emerges from ashes damn you Crookshanks!

R: looks on puzzled

H: looks at CS and nods approvingly That's better. Anyways, where were we? Ah, yes, Harry…

CS: smiles and nods Harry a good homie yo.

F: I hate my life!

R: OK, anyway, Crookshanks! Pancakes!

CS and H deadpan

CS: How did she know?

H: The codeword!

both turn to R, mouths wide open

Both: Who told you!?

R: Why, a little fly on the wall…

F: tries to hide himself in the ashes

CS: Fawkes?

F: I DIDN'T DO IT! I WAS FRAMED! I SWEAR ON MY BEAUTIFUL SELF!

H: You're mine bird brain!

F: eek runs around the room HELP! HELP! I CAN"T FLY!

CS: yawns

H: Flies after F

R: WAIT!

Everyone freezes

H: (thinking: How the hell am I floating?! Oh well..) falls down on the ground

CS: You ok Homie Yo?

R: Don't say anything! silence fills the room I ran out of tape Changes tape Carry on.

H: I'VE FALLEN AND I CAN'T GET UP! OH THE PAIN! I'LL NEVER BE ABLE TO DANCE AGAIN! Err…realizes she gave her secret away I MEAN, I'LL NEVER BE ABLE TO UH, FLY! YEAH! FLY AGAIN!

CS: NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

DUN DUN DUN comes from somewhere. Everyone deadpans

F: OH MY GOSH! WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE! FLAPS AWAY TO HIDE

deep evil laughter fills the room

H: NNNOOO! It's….It's…is over come with emotion

R: Who?!

CS: No, it can't be!

Pig flies down from somewhere and lands on Hedwig's perch

Pig: 'Ello chums very very very deep voice

R: And you are?

P: offended Everyone knows who I am…dramatic pause Everyone loves me…dramatic pause I am…PIG! Pig-Pig- Just Pig!

H: The trickster extraordinaire pauses with a very deep voice.

CS: FOR GOSH SAKES PIG! YOU GAVE US ALL A TERRIBLE FRIGHT! pauses yo.

F: squeaks in corner

R: I thought you were a gangsta?

CS: I am yo!

R: You're sounding like Ms. Granger.

H: How dare you compare that whore to my homi! stands up in anger

everyone looks at her

H: looks down Well, would you look at that! I'm okay! I can walk! does a short tap dance complete with Jazz hands!(how h does jazz hands is beyond me, but she does) and dance!

R: Oh, good. I don't have to waste my magical energy to heal you before..I mean…congratulations…shifty eyes

H: Jerk…so anyways, about Harry…

Animals: in unison Good lad that Harry is!

CS: yo.

R: now Pig…Buckbeak crashes through the window

All animals in unison yet again SON OF A…BUCKBEAK!!

CS: Yo! Yo!

R: Buckbeak?! The escaped hippogriff?

CS: So, Harry…good lad that Harry is…yo.

R: That all you gonna say?

CS: Well, except for that one time he dropped kicked me…

H: yeah, I forgot about that...but it doesn't matter! He's still a good lad!

CS: Damn straight yo!

BuckBeak: OH my gosh! I just say Harry and Hermione!

P: And what about them old pal! lands on bb's head and everyone looks at bb in interest.

BB: Well…I guess SOMEthing happened at the…NO! I can't say!

CS: Sucking up to BB Come on…you can tell us, we won't tell anyone…one, except maybe she will jerks head to Hedwig

H: That wasn't very nice of you Crook..sound dejected

CS: cuts off But it's true! Yo!

H: Yeah, I know. sounds bouncy so, anyways, bb, spill it!

BB: Well….I don't know….

R: holds up dead animal I'll give you this!

BB: looks happy OK! OK! I'll tell! Well…you see…I hear Hermione came onto Harry at the hospital…they looked…very happy together.

H: How so!? perks up

P: Well…Harry is a good lad you know…

CS: True dat yo!

F: DOESN'T ANYONE CARE ABOUT ME ANYMORE!?

Everyone: NO! CS: yo.

BB: They were hugging…and kissing.

Everyone: That's it! groans

BB: Well…Harry's a good lad you know!

Everyone: We know!

R: Well, we all know you think Harry's a good lad and Hermione's...desperate. What about Ronald Weasly?

P: What about him?

R: What's the dirt on him?

Animals: Dirt? Who's covered in flippin' dirt?! Cs: yo!

H: I swear that woman has something wrong with her! Dirt! Honestly!

R: frustrated What do you think about Ron!

P: Ah, Ron…good lad he is. Dumb as a post, but funny as all hell.

CS: Tru dat yo!

H: Well, he can't quite help it now can her Pig…it's not his fault the light's not always on in his small head.

P: I know, I know, but it gets annoying always having to spell things out for him!

F: YOU talk in front of RON!

P: You talk in front of Dumbledore

F: Dumbledore, good man. But he's not all that bright.

Pig goes to reply when a throat clears. Everyone turns to the door to see a lost looking anteater in the doorway

Anubis Um…am I interrupting? Sorry about that. Well..anyways…I'm looking for Mary. Have any of you seen her?

Everyone: Mary?

Anubis you know…little dead girl, can walk through walls, about yeah high…

R: Don't think we've seen her everyone nods in agreement

A: whimpers But…but…I need to find her….I'm lost without her…sits down and sniffles

CS: Wanna wait here yo?

A: I…I don't know…I should really try to find her…

BB: She have a…I…bell thing?

A: jumps p and tackles BB YES WHERE IS SHE!? TELL ME!

BB: I…I…I….whimpers and burst into tears

CS: Uh…Mr. Anteater…yeah…he's sensitive yo.

A: hops down Sorry, but I really need to find her…tell me…please?

BB: tears streaming from eyes I…I…saw her…last year…see…Sirius got mad and…and…it was very…traumatic.

Animals: nod

A: Starts bawling Mary! I want my Mary!

R: mutters clingy much?

H: flies over to Anubis and grabs his ears in an attempt to drag him out the door This is MY Interview! MINE!

CS: Don't hurt my odda Homie yo!

H: But it's MY INTERVIEW! MINE!

CS: Don't make me bust a cap in yo ass homie yo!

A: I only want to find Mary…no interview.

F: Hedwig is simple minded and only cares about fawkes changes back to full size HEY! I'm me again! sings I'm so pretty, oh so pretty! I'm so pretty and witty and bright!

CS: Yo, not my homie, spare us all and shut up yo.

F: looks offended I have you know, I was once the lead of

CS: growls

F: stops talking

P: STOP!!!! Everyone freezes Hedwig, stop pulling on the anteaters ears and sit down.

H: But..

P: DO IT! H glares at P but sits on perchBB, stop whimpering, no one's hurting you so stop it. BB Sniffles and lays down in the corner CS, for the love of god, please leave Fawkes alone. I know it's a good past time, but we need him to shut up. CS grumbles and mutters while he sits under H's perch And Fawkes..

F: Yes?

P: Just shut up.

A: But where's Mary! I want Mary!

P: Then go find her!

R: BB, how is it being locked up in a room?

BB: I like the privacy, but one misses fresh air.

before others could answer, a little girl with black eyes and a bell around her neck walks through the wall.

A: wiggles with excitement MARY! MARY MARY MARY MARY MARY! You're here! Oh I was so scared Mary! I'm glad you found me!

Mary: blinks and nods

P: Oh, good, he found his Mary.

Harry walks in the door (HP), Mary and Anubis disappear, all the animals stare at HP blankly.
P&H: Hoot! (translates to: Good lad that Harry is)

CS: Meow! (translates to: Harry my home dog yo!)

F: Squawk! (translates to: I'm so pretty, oh so pretty)

BB: bows (Translates to: Hello sunshine!)

HP: What the…You! points at Rita What are you doing here?!

R: I…I…uh pauses Well, I'm here to interview them.

HP: deadpans They are animals…they can't talk.

R: Tell that to my editor. I have it taped though! I have proof!

HP&R: look at tape recorder

CS: looks up with tape recorder parts in mouth Meow. translates to What yo?

H: Hoot. (translates to: Good job homie!)

HP: looks at Rita skeptically

R: I, I swear they were talking!

door opens and Ron (RW) and Hermione (HG) enter

HG: sees R What are you doing here?!

RW: is deeply confusedWhat's going on?

HP: points at R SHE Is interviewing our pets.

HG&RW: deadpan

RW: Wait…say that again

HP: Rolls eyes Never mind Ron. Don't hurt yourself.

RW: Smiles brightly OK!

HG: smiles cheekily at Harry

HP: winks at Hermione

R: is snapping pictures like crazy

CS: attacks R

Animals: make all appropriate animal noises (Translates to Get her! Get her!)

HP: looks around confused and reaches for Hermione's hand Let's uh…go study…ok?

HG: grins happily and states seductively I know just the place…

HP&HG start to leave

RW: sits down in a chair and starts humming

RW: Wait! Where are you guys going!?

HP: To study!

RW: Why?

HG&HP: run away quickly

RW: looks confused

P: mutters Good lad, but dumb as a post.

BB: Pay up! I won the bet!

F: No way Hippo!

CS: pounces on F and F bursts into flames again

F: NOT AGAIN!

R: lord help me mutters as she turns into a fly and buzzes away

RW: watches fly with interest and pulls out wand. Shoots sparks at the fly, fly falls to th ground twitching.

R: GOOD BYE CRUEL WORLD! dies

Everyone left in room: cheers and starts doing the hustle

THE END!