Title: Nightlight
Genre: General.
Summary: At his lowest moment, John Carter engages in a conversation with a young stranger…and finds peace where he least expected. One-shot.
Author's Note: This was co written with Michelle (Celticfaerie2), and based off of a role-play we did for the LiveJournal community Theatrical Muse. She wrote Carter's parts; therefore credit for him goes to her.
Also, there is a bit of a religious connotation. If for any reason this offends you, don't waste your time flaming me.
Disclaimer: I don't own Carter, Luka, County General, ER, or most of anything else. They all belong to NBC, Micheal Crichton, and anyone else that isn't me.
Dr. John Carter stood in the ambulance bay of County General Hospital, staring at the pavement. It had been only a matter of days since he lost almost everything he had left; his son, his hopes for a future…
"Hey."
He looked up to find his friend and associate, Luka Kovac addressing him. He merely nodded.
"You doing alright?"
Carter nodded again, turning his gaze skyward. Luka took his listlessness as a very obvious sign that he needed to be left alone. He respected that.
"See you later?"
Another nod, and so with one last concerned glance to his comrade, he made his way back into the hospital. Indifferent to his absence, Carter kept to his silent retreat inside himself, lost to his own thoughts. Subconsciously he began to voice them aloud, speaking to the wind. However, in his grief he had not noticed the attendance of a new soul.
A small child, no more than eleven years of age stood silently, only several yards away. She recognized that this man had somehow been a victim of tragedy, and she wished only to offer him some comfort. At last, she approached the stranger cautiously, hands folded shyly over her tattered gown.
"I'm so sorry," she said softly.
Carter turned toward the voice, eyes read and swollen, though tearless at the moment. He tried to smile, though it did not reach his eyes. He felt something not unlike a tiny dagger in his heart, but he felt too the compassion in the stranger's words.
"Thank you," he managed finally, with a slight sigh.
The child looked toward the ground, than back to the man. She saw the pain in his eyes, and flash of empathy and pain appeared in her own. She reached toward him, and the suddenness of her arms around him nearly knocked him off balance. He put a foot back to steady himself, and felt his arms encircle her as if the had a mind all their own. She felt right, and her embrace somehow comforted him.
Not even considering the fact he had never seen her before now, he buried his face against her shoulder and allowed his tears to flow once more.
"Are you an angel?" he whispered softly, knowing no other explanation for the way he felt just to be near her.
The girl tentatively patted him on the back consolingly, after a few moments finding that she too was crying. In response to his inquiry, she could only respond "I'm sorry," with a tearful shake of her head.
He nodded and took several deep breaths to try to get himself under control. He still thought she must be an angel, and maybe one of the rules is that angels aren't supposed to tell people that's what they are.
"How did you know I needed...How did you know?"
The child looked perplexed in consideration, as though searching deep inside of herself for the honest response. "It was just something I felt?" she replied questioningly, as would an uncertain student being addressed by a teacher.
"I see." The truth was that he felt it too. The moment she revealed herself to him, he felt her presence integrate itself into his soul. By no means could one hug take away all the pain he felt inside, but it did ease the ache a little.
She continued timidly. "My name's Kathy."
"Kathy." Carter nodded almost wistfully. "I like that. Very pretty. I'm John. Or Carter. Most people call me Carter."
"Carter," Kathy repeated, as though testing the name to see how it sounded in her own voice. "Thank you for helping me." She paused. "I'll pray for you."
"I've helped you?" Carter stared at her, wondering how that was even possible. The way he felt, the heartache, the pain, he guilt...He couldn't even help himself let alone someone else. "How?" He spoke the last word in a faint whisper.
Kathy wrung her small hands, looking back to the ground in reflection. She turned her gaze back to Carter, her eyes bright with unshed tears. "I've seen a lot of things in my life," she stated with sincerity seemingly beyond her years. "I never thought I'd meet another good person. I thought there were none left."
He knelt down to her level, a fresh wave of tears building in his eyes. His lip trembled when he attempted to talk, but with a sigh, he managed. "Miss Kathy, you are an angel, whether you know it or not."
She held the gaze somberly, looking Carter directly in the eye. "I could say the same thing about you."
Carter shook his head sadly. He started to say 'I'm no angel, Kathy. If you only knew…' but stopped himself. He said nothing and only wrapped his arms around her for one more hug, and to feel the solidity of her, to reassure himself that she was real. He felt as if something inside him that was broken was sliding back into place. After a moment, he pulled back to look at her, his eye full of wonder.
She looked back at Carter, catching something that resembled awe in his expression, and offered a small smile.
"You're a good person," she restated, folding her hands again. "And you'll never be left completely alone, no matter how lonely you feel right now."
He reached up to put his hand on her hair, smoothing it away from her face. Then he stood and stuffed his hands in his pockets.
"Right now, I feel like the entire world has fallen out from under my feet and I don't even know how I'm still standing."
"I know," she said, her voice small and gentle.
He turned back to her, silently willing her to continue. She looked away, clearing her throat, and smoothing her ragged dress hesitantly. She spoke again in the same tiny tone, and he was reminded that however mature she seemed, she was still small, young, and above all else, vulnerable. "I lost my family, too."
"I'm sorry."
"It's all right…I have a new home," she smiled a little. Looking back up at him, she went on. "My big brother was my favorite person in the whole world. You remind me of him."
"I do?" Somehow that settled him even more. He didn't understand it, didn't understand his reaction to her at all. "I feel like I've known you all my life, Kathy."
Kathy smiled genuinely for the first time since meeting Carter.
"I feel the same way," she said. "Like you're a member of my own family."
"That's exactly how it feels." He looked up at the sky for a moment, thinking suddenly of Bobby. He turned his eyes back to Kathy. "You remind me of my brother. He died when we were kids. He was sweet like you." Silently, he wondered if somehow Bobby was reaching out to him through her. He knew that sounded crazy, which is why he didn't say it out loud. But it made sense, and now would have been a good time for Bobby to try to communicate with him
"They're in heaven," she murmured, following his gaze. "Watching out for us...they didn't forget." She turned back to Carter, a light of innocent knowing in her eyes. "We'll be with them again, someday."
"Yes. Someday." He nodded, a blanket of melancholy settling over him. He tried to throw it off by pushing a hand through his hair. His fingers pressed against his eyes for a moment. Carter settled back against the exterior wall to the hospital. Closing his eyes, he could see Bobby in his mind, the playful boy he had once been. He was convinced Kathy was somehow a vessel for Bobby to connect with him, and that she was most definitely an angel no matter what she says to the contrary.
"What was your brother like?"
Carter smiled. "Before he got sick, he picked on my all the time. That's what brothers do. I picked right back. One of his favorite things to do was push me into the pool. But if it ever came down to it, we'd both depend each other with our lies. He was always doing things for our mother, to try to cheer her up. He'd pick flowers from Gamma's garden to give to Mom.
"After he got sick, he made me promise to take care of Mom. He told me I had to keep her happy. So I tried, but she wouldn't let me. She didn't want to be happy after he died.
"He was really great, though. He was funny, always doing something to make people laugh. He'd sing and act all crazy. He'd do anything to make someone else feel better."
Carter offered a small smile. "You really do remind me of him."
She smiled back at him. "Thank you." A pause, then, "He hasn't stopped loving you, you know."
Carter nodded. "I believe that, I really do. When I was younger, I used to feel Bobby's presence, like he was there with me when I was scared or bored and sometimes when I was really tired. I used to think if I turned around real quick might see him. I never did, but...I knew he was there. I haven't felt him for a long time. Until the other night after my son died. And now...He's here now."
Kathy looked up at Carter with wide, interested eyes. "Now?" she asked.
"I feel him. I don't know how to explain it. He's just...he's here. Somehow." He was hesitant to say he thinks Bobby is channeling through her, unsure how well that would go over.
She nodded thoughtfully. "You're brother and you were close...and still are. Likely, nothing will ever be able to change that."
Carter only nodded. He barely felt like the same person Kathy first spoke to. So much has changed, in such a short time, and based on one conversation with a stranger. She has somehow made him feel again, she's given him some hope and peace within himself. And he didn't understand that any more than he understood how he could feel Bobby's presence again suddenly after so many years of never really sensing him. He looked back at her, mouth half-open in preparation to tell her just this…only to find that she had, indeed, vanished.