Perpetrate Some Delicious Nastiness

A Yu Yu Hakusho Fanfiction by SpookyChild

Authors Notes:

And then Yoshihiro Togashi said to me, "The fourth chapter of 'Perpetrate Some Delicious Nastiness' shall not be written, for it is short and ridiculous and otherwise a waste of time." To which I replied, "Shut up."

Disclaimer: So I'm standing at the bus stop, minding my own business, when some hobo walks up to me and says, "You know you don't own Yu Yu Hakusho, right?" And do you know what I did? I KICKED HIS MOTHER-FUCKING HEAD IN! But then I began to think…where did my ham sandwich go?

Chapter Four: The Warrant

"My God, do you even go to school anymore?" Hiei asked, watching as Kurama attempted to build a fire in the pouring rain. Kurama snorted.

"I think it's quite obvious that I don't." The red head growled, striking the two rocks together again. "God, why is it always raining in this clearing?!"

"I have no idea." Hiei said, picking up The Conjuring Blade and slicing down a row of trees, turning them into demons. Hiei smirked. "Look at them all, Kurama!" He called happily. Kurama looked up and frowned.

"They're ugly." Kurama stated. Hiei rolled his eyes.

"Well, sorry Kurama, but they can't all look like you." He said, irritated. Hiei stopped and thought for a moment. "Or can they?" He murmured. A vision came to Hiei of an entire army of Kuramas dancing naked around him while he sat on a throne. One of the dancing Kuramas came up to him and sat on his lap, smiling suggestively at him. Hiei grinned. 'Why hello,' Hiei said to him. The Kurama giggled. Suddenly, the army of Kuramas turned, glared at Hiei and began to attack him in a jealous rage.

"Ack! No, that's my eye!" Hiei screamed, flailing his arms wildly. He stopped when he noticed the real Kurama staring at him with his eyebrow raised. Hiei coughed. "Erm…sorry."

"Riiiiigggghhhhhhttt…" Kurama said slowly, turning back to the fire. He struck the two rocks together again. "Damnit Hiei, put the freaking barrier up!" He said angrily, throwing the rocks down. Hiei rolled his eyes.

"Fine, fine, jeez." Hiei waved his hand and the barrier covered them, successfully blocking off the rain. Kurama grinned.

"Finally." He struck the two rocks together again, and then realized that he had matches in his backpack. Kurama frowned. "Damnit."

***

"So then the guy says to me, he says, 'As if!' and I'm all, 'DON'T GO THERE, JERK-FACE!'" Yusuke exclaimed, raising his fist in exaggeration. He chuckled. "I thought he was crazy, but then again, I had some growing up to do." Botan rolled her eyes and continued walking throughout the forest.

"So, do you have any idea where the demons are hiding?" She asked, desperate to get him to make some sense. Yusuke shrugged.

"I don't know. Probably in that clearing." Yusuke pointed down a row of trees. Botan furrowed her eyebrows.

"How do you figure?" She asked, confused.

"Well, it's not raining over there."

"Hmm. That's oddly suspicious."

"You bet your ass it is." Yusuke said. "Now, you stay here, and I'll go bust a cap all up in their asses." Botan narrowed her eyes.

"Do you even know what that means?" The blue-haired girl asked, her voice annoyed.

"Umm…yes?"

"Never mind. Just go arrest the demons." Yusuke shrugged and walked over into the clearing.

***

Kurama turned and looked when the teenaged boy walked into the clearing. The red head rolled his eyes.

Finally. At least the Spirit Detective has to be somewhat sane, he thought.

"Hey! Bad boys! Whatcha gonna do? Whatcha gonna do when I come for you?"

"That's it. I'm leaving." Kurama stated exasperatedly, turning on his heel and walking out of the clearing. Hiei furrowed his eyebrows.

"What? Where are you going?! Wait for me!" Hiei jumped up and hurried after him. Yusuke frowned.

"Hey!" The Spirit Detective called after the demon. Hiei stopped and turned back to him. Yusuke pointed to the ground. "You forgot your sword."

"Thanks." Hiei grabbed The Conjuring Blade and rushed out of the clearing after Kurama.

"And they're just…leaving me here." Gouki sighed. Yusuke smirked and extended his arm, pointing his index finger at Gouki.

"Come on, Demon." He moved into a battle stance. "Let's dance."

"Oh, my dear Lord." Botan moaned from behind a nearby tree. "He's such a loser."

***

"Dude, did we just leave Gouki behind with the Spirit Detective?" Kurama asked suddenly. The two demons were sitting at Kurama's dining room table. Hiei shrugged.

"Who cares? Hey! How did you get these little hot dogs in the macaroni?" Hiei excitedly stirred the contents of his bowl with his spoon. Kurama blinked.

"I just cut some up and put them with the macaroni before I microwaved it." He stated. Hiei shook his head and chuckled.

"Man, Kurama, you're a genius. A regular Abraham Lincoln."

"…Do you even know who that is?"

"Didn't he make pennies for a living?"

"Never mind." Kurama took a drink from his soda can and turned to Hiei. "So, what made you decide to steal these artifacts?" He inquired. Hiei sighed dreamily.

"Well, it all started…" Hiei trailed off into a flashback, staring off into space. Kurama rolled his eyes.

"Aw, shit."

***

"…And that's the reason I started going back to church. You know, for the crackers." Hiei said, sitting in a bar. The year was around 1977, and he was wearing a disco outfit and sporting an Afro. The bartender shook his head and moved on to take more drink orders. Hiei snickered and finished off his drink when he heard a voice.

"Psst…hey."

Hiei blinked and looked around, expecting to see the face of Jesus in a tortilla or something. The voice sounded again.

"I'm right next to you." Hiei turned around to see a short purple demon standing on the bar. Hiei blinked.

"Who…?" He started, his voice failing. "Why are you here?"

"Why are any of us here?" The purple demon replied. Hiei's eyebrows furrowed.

"What do you want?"

"You need," the purple demon began, "to steal the Sacred Artifacts from the Reikai palace." Hiei frowned.

"Why?"

"Why not?"

"But why would I want to do that?" Hiei asked. "I'd get in serious trouble."

"Because if you don't, then nobody else will." The purple demon stated, staring pointedly at Hiei. Hiei thought for a moment.

"…Oh my God!" He exclaimed. "You're RIGHT! This is my destiny!" The purple demon smiled and disappeared into a puff of smoke.

***

"…And that's the whole story." Hiei finished. He raised his eyebrow. "Are you okay?" He asked Kurama.

"Yes, perfect." Kurama said sarcastically. "You see, I just vomited a little, but it went back down."

"Gee, maybe you should take some Pepto-Bismol or something." Hiei stated. Kurama glared at him.

"…I hate you."

-----------------

(A/N)

Yeah, yeah, I know. I said this chapter was supposed to be entitled "The Arrest", but that's actually going to be the next chapter. It was a mistake, but we can work past that, right?

…Right?

…Jeez, I'm sorry, you jerks.

Stay tuned for chapter five, entitled "The Arrest".

Yay.