THE SQUIRRELBIT

(A/N: This is by two different authors who work together, Kara and Hilary.

Hello! I'm Hilary, (Insaner), and I'll be starting our story for this evening (or morning… or afternoon… or night...)

Summary: This is a re-telling of The Hobbit…with a slightly different perspective…

Disclaimer: The Hobbit belongs to J.R.R. Tolkien, not to me or Kara.

Warning: This is a humor fic. Everyone has a different sense of humor. You may not like it. If you don't, then please, no flames. Thank you!)

Chapter One: An Unexpected Party

In a hole in a tree there lived a squirrel.

Not a nasty, dirty, wet hole, filled with the ends of termites and a musty smell, nor yet a dry, bare, wooden hole with nothing in it to sit down on or to eat: It was a squirrel hole, and that means comfort.

So begins the epic tale, The Squirrelbit, (or 'Climb up and down again), loved by furry readers through the ages. It has long been believed that this tale was named 'The Hobbit,' when, in fact, the publishers probably changed it to fit humans better. Because after all, who would want to read something entitled 'The Squirrelbit'? (Besides you, because you're reading it at this very moment…)

And now we shall continue the exciting adventure, beginning with a very unlikely hero…A squirrel by the name of Oblib…

Oblib was a very well-to-do squirrel. He never cheated, never lied, and never stole his neighbors' acorns. (Well… almost never.)

He especially never had any adventures! What nasty things they were—why, you could stub a paw, or sprain a tail! No, they definitely weren't for him. He'd much rather curl up with a good book. Literally.

That is, he never had any adventures until the day Fladnag the Grey came to visit.

Fladnag! If you had only heard a bit about what I heard about him, you would be ready for anything. He hadn't been near The Tree for a while, and the squirrels had almost forgotten what he looked like.

All Oblib saw when he sat out on his branch that morning was an old gray fox with a staff. It had a bent ear, silver eyes, and black feet.

"Good Morning!" yelled Oblib, and he meant it. The sun was shining, the leaves were green, and the acorns were just beginning to get ripe.

"What do you mean?" Fladnag cried up to him, "Do you mean to wish me good morning, or to say it's a good morning whether I want it or not, or simply to say it's good because squirrel hunting season is over and you can't be killed and made into pie anymore?"

"All of them at once!" Oblib exclaimed, shivering at the thought of being made into a pie. He'd lost many good friends that way. "And a beautiful morning to smoke a pipe on!"

He was smoking one now, filled with ground acorn, his favorite flavor. Oblib stuck a claw behind his two front teeth and blew out a perfect square. He beamed.

"Very pretty!" Fladnag complimented, "But I was just traveling through to see if anyone wanted to join an adventure I'm arranging. You see, it's very hard to find people around these parts."

"I should think so!" Oblib cried, backing away. "You might want to try the tree over the steam and up the hill. Good Morning!"

"You use Good Morning for so many things. Now you're saying that the morning won't be good unless I leave."

"Not at all, not at all!" Oblib assured him, "Excuse me, but I don't believe I know your name?"

"Of course you do! And I know yours, Mr. Oblib Nutsome. To think that I have lived to be 'good-morninged' by Donabella Koot's son! Really… we foxes aren't supposed to live this long." Fladnag paused for a moment, as if pondering this. Then he shook it off.

"But anyway… I am Fladnag, and Fladnag means me!"

Oblib gaped. "Faldnag? Not the same fox responsible for sending so many squirrels off on adventures! Oh, and I remember your fireworks… they used to go off and form shapes like acorns, and walnuts…"

"Well, I see you remember my fireworks kindly, at least." Fladnag smiled. "I sometimes wonder what those humans think when suddenly fireworks shoot off in their forests, though…"

Oblib shrugged. "I doubt that they notice. After all, they're such oblivious things…

Fladnag nodded in agreement.

"But you also made all of those poor little squirrels go off on adventures! They were never the same again…" Oblib shook his head sadly. "I beg your pardon, I had no idea you were still in business!"

"Well, I am! And because Donabella was such a sweet little squirrel, I shall give you what you asked for."

Oblib blinked. "What did I ask for? Fireworks?"

Fladnag rolled his eyes irritably. "No, you asked for my pardon!"

"Oh."

"And I shall give it to you. In fact, I shall do more than that. I shall send thirteen of my friends to your house tomorrow for tea! Oh, of course, I'll come too! Good day!"

Fladnag scratched something on his door and left before Oblib could protest.

Oblib promptly went inside and ate something, then fell asleep. He was convinced that if he forgot about Fladnag, then Fladnag would forget about him.

He was wrong, of course, or else there wouldn't be a story, would there?

xxxxx

The next afternoon, as Oblib was just thinking about sitting down for brunch, there was a knock on his door.

Oblib jumped, startled, and then remembered Fladnag. He groaned. Obviously Fladnag had come for tea.

The knock came again.

"I'm coming, I'm coming." He went over and opened the door. "Hello, Flad-who are you?!" Oblib blinked at the little hedgehog that was standing on his doorstep.

Then, feeling his heart drop into his stomach, he remembered… 'I shall send thirteen of my friends to your house tomorrow for tea…'

Being as polite as he could under the circumstances, Oblib let the hedgehog into his home.

"Nilawd, at your service!" the hedgehog bowed, then hung up his cloak on a peg and went to find something to eat.

Oblib started to follow him, but then there was another knock on his door.

He was half hoping it was Fladnag, wondering how he could tell him to take his friend and go, and still be polite.

It wasn't Fladnag. This time, it was a very old-looking hedgehog. He saw the other cloak as he went to hang his up, and smiled. "I see they've begun to arrive already. Nilab, at your service!"

"Er…right. Thank you." Oblib knew it wasn't the right thing to say, but at the moment he was too flustered to care.

Nilab ran off to drink tea and eat his food as well.

Oblib didn't even have time to move, as there was yet another knock.

This time, there were two hedgehogs on his doorstep.

"Ilif, at your service!"

"Ilik, at your service!"

Then they ran off to eat.

Oblib had just sat down to clear his mind, when his bell rang rather loudly.

This time, there were five hedgehogs; Irod, Iron, Iro, Nio, and Niolg.

After letting them in, Oblib collapsed by the door, knowing he wouldn't get far before someone else appeared.

Sure enough, there was a loud rapping noise, like someone hitting his door with a stick.

Oblib sprang up and tugged the door open, causing the four hedgehogs there to fall over onto his mat.

Fladnag stood behind them, laughing.

The hedgehogs' names were Rufib, Rufob, Rubmob, (who was exceedingly fat, and almost couldn't fit through the doorway), and, of course, the almighty, special, wonderful, most-important Niroht.

Finally, when everyone was squeezed into Oblib's tiny little squirrel hole, they ate and talked.

Oblib was astounded to learn that these hedgehogs were planning on trying to defeat the great Guams, the wicked snake that lived on the Forlorn Hilltop, so that they could get some kind of treasure back.

Now, this was not just any ordinary snake—no, Guams was fifty feet long, and at least two feet thick all around. (Wow…that's a big snake!)

The hedgehogs were singing a song about it now, and here is a little of how it went:

Far over the Foggy Hilltops cold

To deep holes and tunnels old

We must run away, before the day

And find the pretty, shiny gold!

Pretty, shiny gold… it didn't sound bad, Oblib admitted to himself. It would certainly liven up his living room. Everyone would always be coming over to stare at it.

Oblib fell asleep, dreaming of pretty shiny things, as the hedgehogs talked about how odd he was behind his back.

There was also a map and a key that was exchanged between Fladnag and Niroht, and then the hedgehogs finished eating all of Oblib's food, then went to find beds for the night.

Oblib had uncomfortable dreams that night, and woke up late that morning with a headache, and no idea what was going on.

(A/N: Okay, I'm finished rambling! Yes, it's stupid. Yes, it's pointless. But that's the way it's supposed to be! Kara is going to write the next chapter, so she might have a slightly different writing style.)

Hilary