Nomads United
A/N: Because I've recently added Chapter 3.5, I decided that now would be a great time to give you not only Chapter Four, but Chapter Five as well, for I've got the whole weekend to write it...
Reviewer Responses:
Welcome to my newest part of this fic, the Reviewer Responses! (you already knew that, didn't you?)
Darkness-Aura: I understand that it went from funny to insanity to more insanity, but bear with it; this chapter, we find out what's really happening to our dear Lyn. (pishaw)
The Drizzit: Well, better go find a fic that actually makes sense whilst being funny at the same time, 'cause this is the wrong one. Oh, and, if you pictured Lyn going insane and doing stuff that isn't in this fic, you're outta luck there, too. Sorry.
seadragon: Okay, well, your dreams have come true!
Footleeismysexysensei: Haha! Thanks. Oh, and keep writing Caelin Anonymous. That's kinda where I got the title of this story from...
canas-obsession: Really? Thanks. Keep reading.
And, that's it! Really, I mean it... (shifts eyes around then hijacks a car)
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Chapter Four -- Voodoo Dolls of Doom
In a dark and musty room (aka--the author's basement), walking sounds could be heard. Suddenly, crashing could be heard.
CRASH, BOOM, SMASH!!
Silence.
"Ooooh..." groaned a voice. "That's the last time I come down here without turning on the lights..."
The owner of the voice got up, walked over to the wall, and a flicking sound... sounded. The lights clicked on, revealing none other than...
SEPHIROTH??! What the he...
"Yes, yes, my dear readers," he smirked, "'Tis I, Sephiroth, master of eeeeeeviiiil..."
But, Sephy! This is a Fire Emblem fic! You belong all the way over in Final Fantasy VII!
"True, Joe, but," said Sephiroth, tinkering with a remote he found. The big-screen TV flicked on. "I'm the ultimate eeeeeeeviiiil!"
"I beg to differ!" said a creepy voice. Out from the shadows popped a familiar white-haired, tan-skinned, white-eyed guy from Kingdom Hearts.
Oh, not you too!
"Correct, Joe," laughed Ansem like a mad-man (which he wasn't far from being), "For I have been sucked through that fluctuation in the space-time-continuum that brought Savyna here from Baten Kaitos."
That's different! The author intended that!
"Yeah, but, you do know what happens when you don't close a hole in the space-time-continuum, right?" asked a seductive voice from the shadows.
For the love of...
Lust from Fullmetal Alchemist stepped out of the shadows as well, blending in more than Ansem had. "Yeah, I decided to come along for the ride... Besides, everyone knows that I'm not only sexy, but the most evil person in anime-history to boot--"
"That is not so," said an emotionless voice from the shadows.
This is starting to get old.
Okay, so Sesshomaru walked out of the shadows, though how he could blend in was beyond even the author.
"I was around for three years before you, you slut-whore, you," he said. "Besides, everyone knows that tormenting your own brother is more annoying and evil than tormenting some punk you stalk around the world."
"Not so!" screeched another voice from the shadows.
For God's sakes, stop it already!
The Wicked Witch of the West stepped out of the shadows, laughing. "Heeheehee!" she cackled. "Just give me those slippers, and you'll be fine, my pretty-- Hey, waitaminute... Where's that brat?"
"I have no idea who you're talking about, but she sure ain't here," said Ansem, cocking an eyebrow. "But the Darkness shall overcome this world, and I'll make sure I'm the one to do it! FWAHAHAHAHA!!" He then proceeded to laugh maniacally for about twenty minutes.
The others went about their own business for that duration of time.
"What should we do first?" asked Sephiroth, bored.
Sesshomaru shrugged. "I dunno..."
The WWW (Wicked Witch of the West) cackled again. "Howsabout some evil coffee and doughnuts?" she asked in that annoying voice.
Lust shrugged. "Why not? We've got nothing better to do, anyway."
So they went to Starbucks, the most evil coffee-and-doughnuts-retail-business EVAH!
--Now, back to the story...
The tactition had somehow made her own Fire Emblem dolls from some old clothes she didn't need anymore. For the most part, the tactition's name has been changed to Gen. She threw her Lyndis doll across the room.
"Take that, you man-stealer!" she screamed. "Both Hector and Eliwood! And occasionally Rath and/or Guy!" She fell to the ground, weeping. Suddenly, in a burst of smoke, Hannah appeared.
"I can make all your dreams come true!" she laughed.
Gen looked up. "Really?" she asked in a hopeful voice.
"Maybe," shrugged the old hag. "Now, dear, what do you want?"
"For Lyn to be dead!" replied Gen.
"Sorry, hun, that's against regulations," said Hannah, checking her nails.
"Why!?" cried the tactition, shaking Hannah by the shoulders.
"Because, we can't kill, maim, or torture anyone," said Hannah. "Old Hag Rule #6957370. You try do disprove it, and you'll be turned into an old hag later on in life."
Now, the tactition/author didn't take too kindly to this, so she thought for a few seconds. "I wish I had my own Lyndis voodoo doll!" she said at last, smiling broadly.
"So you wish it..." sighed Hannah. "So shall it be..."
A large cloud of smoke filled the room, Hannah reeled back like casting a spell, and... She pulled out a bag, sprinkled something that looked like pixy-dust on the Lyn doll, and went about her business, hobbling away.
Gen stared after her.
"Hey! Don't I get another wish or something...?" she asked. "Aw, who cares? Let's test this baby out..."
She picked up a knife, and, as skillfully as she could, threw it at the Lyn doll. It landed at the bottom of the doll's outfit, skewering the doll to the ground.
Gen ran out of the tent. Lyn was outside, screaming as a sword had pinned her down to the ground. Priscilla was running around in a blind panic like a chicken without a head. Lucius was asking Lyndis if she could get up. Kent was trying to pull the sword out of the ground, and Sain was watching in wonder.
"Getitoutgetitout!" screeched Lyn.
The tactition turned around, rubbing her hands together evilly. She laughed like a mix between an idiot and an evil genius. "Purrrfect..." she purred like Catwoman, then turned around, acting innocent and masking her mirth. Haha, alliteration.
"Oh my God!" she screamed, gasping. "Whatever happened, milady?"
"Oh, loyal Gen," breathed Lyndis. "I'm afraid I'm on my last leg... I'm... going to be reunited with my parents soon..."
"You're going to a family reunion?" asked Gen like a moron.
"No, you idiot," growled Sain. "She thinks she's going to die-- Oh, my God! Did I just call you an idiot?!" He started panicking. "AAAAAGH!! I'm so sorry, Lady Gen!"
"Think nothing of it, Sain," sighed Gen dreamily.
"Lyn, you're not going to die," sighed Kent, still trying to get the sword out of the ground.
"Yes I am! Don't make this too long, just... put me out of my misery!" she yelled, tears forming in her eyes. Then she spotted Priscilla. "Priscilla!" she screeched in joy, sitting up. "Heal me, O healer!"
"But, you are uninjured," said Priscilla. "It says so in the command menu." The blue menu had popped up by her, and no 'staff' command had appeared.
Lyn sighed in relief, then pulled the sword out with ease. "Oh, thank the gods..." she sighed. Again. Gen snapped her fingers in dismay. "I'm just glad nobody has an evil voodoo doll and wants to kill me because I supposedly stole said nobody's man. And/or men."
Gen stared at her, mouth agape. How the heck does that idiot know?! she thought. Serra came up, closed Gen's mouth, then sighed.
"Whassamatter?" she asked.
Gen blubbered, then shouted, "She knows about my frikkin' evil conspiracies!"
A booming noise sounded from the other side of the encampment. Because they had nothing better to do, they all ran to find the source of the big bang. (pa-dum, CHIII!)
--Meanwhile...
"EEEHEEHEE!!" cackled the WWW. She was flying on her broom. "I'll get you, and your little boyfriend too, my pretty!" she called after Isadora, who was in the arms of Harken, who was fleeing the scene.
Nino cast Elfire on Sephiroth, who brushed it away like a feather.
He stood over her. "Oh, it's a little girl, using magic haphazardly while nobody seems to give a crap that she could somehow kill everyone whilst using said magic! You're adorable." He pulled out his sword. "Too bad I'll have to kill you."
"EEEEEEEEEE!!" shrieked Nino, running for her life.
Legault just stood there. A piece of flaming shrapnel landed about five inches from his foot. He blinked.
Lust seemed to hover over to him. She looked him up and down, then gave a wolf-whistle. "Why, hello there. I don't believe we've met."
"No, I doubt we have," coughed Legault.
There was silence as the chaos around them unfolded; Heath skewered the Wicked Witch of the West, since she was so frikkin' pathetic, and Hyperion started munching on the dead witch's carcass. After one bite, he spit her out. Sesshy was busying himself in a staring contest with Jaffar, neither one of them blinking. Nino scampered up Jaffar's body, onto his shoulders, whimpering like a scared puppy. Or Daxter.
Legault coughed again. Lust then dropped dead.
Marcus had stuck his Silver Lance through the homunculus (more on that later), and she was now twitching as she revived herself.
--Meanwhile...
On a hill overlooking all of this, Guy and Savyna were sitting in the sunset. Yes, I know it was only early afternoon when this all started, but let's say that they can defy all laws of physics, okay?
"..." said Savyna. "Guy."
"Yeah?"
"I... I need to go back to my own game," she said.
Guy blinked. "What... What do you mean, love-bird?"
"Guy..." sighed Savyna. "I don't belong here. It's all the author's fault, but someone has to take the blame when she doesn't! Look, I have to go... Go back to Baten Kaitos. I left the guys hanging... They were fighting the Tree Guardian..."
Her Nomad boyfriend didn't look happy.
"Oh, I'm sorry..." she sighed. "But... We could be pen-pals, eh?"
"Really? That really works?" asked Guy in disbelief.
"As long as the author says so it does," shrugged Savyna. "Now, that fluctuation in the space-time-continuum... I wonder where it could be...?"
--Meanwhile...
On the Destiny Islands, said fluctuation in the space-time-continuum had appeared over a rise in the land in the form of a huge, swirling black vortex with a creamy red middle.
Sora looked up at the shadow that had appeared.
"(censored)!" he cursed, whacking its hand with his Keyblade. It screeched in pain, then disappeared, never to be seen again. The fluctuation shuddered, then went into reverse, like a vacuum-cleaner. It spit out everything: The island, the homes on the aforementioned island, the residents of the aformentioned homes on the aformentioned island, and Riku and Kairi.
Nobody said anything as the vortex floated off.
Riku coughed uncomfortably.
"Well, there goes the sequel..." sighed Sora, as Kairi glomped him.
--Back with Fire Emblem cast...
"Run away!" screamed Nils, making a break for it. Ninian glowed blue and grew thirty-feet tall, formed scales and fins, and became her former ice-dragon self. She thwacked Sephiroth with her tail, causing him to be rocketed thousands of miles away.
He screamed as he was sucked into the approaching fluctuation in the space-time-continuum.
Dramatic music flared up as Savyna and Guy swapped good-byes.
"Savyna..." said Guy. "No matter where you are... I'll always think of you..."
"Same here, Guy," said Savyna. They hugged, and a collective 'AWWWWW' sounded from the whole of the cast of this story, even the villains.
"I love you, Savyna," said Guy, tearing up.
Savyna let go of him. "I have to go... I have to save those weeklings of party members I have..."
"I'll miss you..."
Savyna started flying off. "I know..."
"Please don't fall for that idiot Gibari!"
"I won't!"
"Bye, my brightly-feathered angel!"
"Bye, my Nomad-honey-bun!"
With that, everyone who didn't belong in this whacked-up story was sucked up into the vortex.
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Chapter Five -- You Want a Finale? Tough Cookies!
Everyone pitched in to clean up the encampment.
Well, besides Eliwood and Hector, who were too busy interrogating a certain boggly-eyed villain...
"Why'd you do it?" asked Eliwood, pacing in front of the bound-to-a-chair Nergal.
Nergal rolled his visible eye. "I don't know! We picked her name at frikkin' random out of a frikkin' hat!"
"Well, undo the spell," said Hector. He brandished the Wolf Beil. "Or else you're gonna need that googly-eye, fuzz..."
"Fuzz?" asked Nergal. "Fuzz? Who the heck says fuzz?!"
"JUST undo the spell," said Eliwood. "Before Hector has fun slicin'-and-dicin' your carcass into fifty-bajillion pieces."
"Haha, joke's on you," laughed Nergal. "There is no number in existance known as 'bajillion'!"
"Who cares, you sorry excuse for a lunatic?" scoffed Hector. He thwacked Nergal with the flat of his axe. "Now, undo the spell!"
"Fine, just untie me, savages," snorted Nergal.
Eliwood undid the bonds, yet kept Nergal's feet bound.
"Oh, now I can't run away... How dreadful," said Nergal sarcastically.
"Shut up and do it, moron!" shouted Eliwood, not in the mood for this. He stabbed Nergal in the arm.
"OH!" shrieked Nergal. "That was uncalled for, you bastard!"
"You wanna lose more than just a few drops o' blood?" asked Hector, becoming impatient.
"Fine. But you'll be sorry..."
With that, Nergal started chanting an ancient incantation of sorts. The tent grew dark, and suddenly the Flux opened up. It glowed purple and shot out of the tent, straight for...
--Meanwhile...
"Lalalalalala," said Lyn, skipping around. Rikku from Final Fantasy X was skipping with her.
"We're gonna free the Chocobos," they sang in unison. "We're gonna free the Chocobos!"
BOOOM!!
A blast of purple light hit Lyn, Rikku scampered off, and everybody in the immediate area shielded their eyes.
"EEEEEK!!" screamed Lyn.
The light died down. Guy walked up to her, poked her with his foot, and leaned down. Rath dismounted Pierrdro.
Pierrdro snorted.
"Who knows if she's dead, Pierrdro?" he asked.
"Easy," said Guy. "If she was dead, the game would end..."
"What? What is this game of which you speak?" asked Rath, cocking an eyebrow at the boy.
Guy looked around nervously.
"Erm... Nothing," he said quickly.
--Back in the tent...
"Sorry for what? You helping us?" laughed Hector.
"No, you nimrods," growled Nergal. "I'm going to give your children the nastiest cases of ADD this side of the country."
Hector stopped laughing immediately. Eliwood stared at Nergal, his eyebrows practically in his hair.
"And that's it?"
"That's it. Any shaman could've done it--"
"Hold up!" said Hector, holding up a hand. "You mean we could've gotten that klutzy booksmart weirdo Canas to do this the whole time?!"
"I guess," shrugged Nergal. "Well, I'd best be off. Wouldn't want Limstella and Ephidel to wait for dinner!"
With that, the Dark Druid disappeared in a blast of purple light.
Dark Druid! Let's get dangerous...
And then, the world grew dark, and all ended.
--The End.
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And thus ends the miraculously stupid and pointless fanfiction, Nomads United. But, you probably want those little 'epilogue-in-an-epilogue' kinda shorts, don't ya? I know you...
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Lyndis, Noblewoman of Caelin:
Lyn regained sanity soon afterwards and realized she had nothing to do with Eliwood's stupid quest to kill Nergal. She now enjoys weekends with her grandfather in the gardens at Castle Caelin, and oftentimes romp merrily in the meadows together.
Eliwood, Marquess Pharae's Son:
Eliwood, like the pansy he is, later gave up his quest to find Nergal. Oh well. We don't care, do we?
Hector, Marquess Ostia:
Hector and his lackeys, Serra, Matthew, and Oswin, left for Ostia the very next day. Thank you idiocy.
Rath, of the Kutolah:
Rath and Pierrdro had many wacky adventures until they reached the lands of their birth. Rath had a huge welcoming party and knocked up some random chick.
Guy, of the Kutolah:
Guy returned home with Rath, only to be babied by his over-protective mother. He then left, trained a little more, and eventually became the Saint of Swords. Yep. That's pretty interesting. (rolls eyes)
Matthew, the Enigmatic Thief:
Matthew scrutinized Guy one-too-many times and ended up with the toughest job given to a spy in service of House Ostia yet: He had to travel to Eutruria to be in leagues with the Black Fang. Heh. Pretty ironic, if you think about it. I mean, Leila was killed by the Black Fang, then Matthew goes and joins them. I guess Hector's not as level-headed as he might possibly seem to a moron.
Erk, the Mage:
Erk went his own way and has been spotted in a few regions. He eventually came to Ostia, out of dumb luck (for Serra, that is), and found himself escorting Serra again.
Serra, the Cleric:
Serra went back to Ostia with Hector, stayed there awhile, annoying people. She even killed one guy with her endless ranting. Anyway, Erk appeared at the door-step of House Ostia one day and ended up escorting her somewhere.
Jaffar, Assassin Extrordinaire:
Jaffar and Nino lived a pleasant life together-- Oh, wait, no they didn't. They got drunk one night, Jaffar kinda... You know, and Nino had twins nine months later. Jaffar dumped Lugh and Rei on Nino and ran off, claiming that mercenaries were 'hunting him relentlessly'. Yeah, sure.
Canas, the Useless Shaman:
Canas returned to his wife and son, Hugh. They had a nice life together until global warming caused a snow-storm in Badon, killing Canas and his wife. Hugh remained with his grandmother, Canas's whiney mom.
Priscilla, the Troubadour:
Priscilla and Raven spent a little time bonding until Raven ran off one day. Heh. Talk about untrustworthy.
Raven, the Over-Protective Mercenary:
Raven and Priscilla bonded until he ran off one day, escaping the feds. With a valiant cry of "CHEESE IT, THE FEDS!", he took off, threw Priscilla somewhere safe, and sped around until he came to Araphen. There, he spent a quiet life with nobody.
Rebecca, the Less-than-Important Archer:
Rebecca and Wil wed and had a son named Wolt. He looks absolutely nothing like Raven.
Wil, the Other Less-than-Important Archer:
Wil quit talking so much one day, decided to settle down, and pulled Rebecca's name out of a hat at random. They married, and had a son named Wolt.
Isadora, the One Not Mentioned Much:
Isadora served under Pharae for five more years until she finally came out of hiding of her commitment fear and married Harken. They had a well-deserved honey-moon in Ilia, where they picked up Fiora, Florina, and Farina on the side of a road.
Nino, the Mage who acts like Daxter:
Nino and Jaffar got drunk. Nino had twins. Jaffar left them. Need I say more?
Legault, the Guy with Tight Pants:
Legault started a refugee camp in sounthern Bern, welcoming all veterans of the Black Fang who didn't like it anymore. He met some very interesting people: Gary Coleman, Madonna, and Bruce Willis.
Heath, the Straight Wyvern-Knight:
Heath flew off one day with Hyperion and never returned. Actually, they just went to Ilia and fought off some rogues for a while... Nothing special, if you ask me.
Vaida, Nominee for Bitch of the Year:
Vaida went to some random place afterwards, never to be heard from again.
Ninian, the Dragon Dancer:
Ninian returned to her own realm, only to be brought out about one-hundred more times because of deranged authors who actually think that she and Eliwood could work something out. I mean, come on-- She returned to her own realm at the very end of the game, so how the hell can she be his wife?! Think logically, people!
Nils, the Dragon Bard:
Nils, wanting to go solo after hundreds of years playing Ninian's understudy, left for an acting career. He changed his name to 'Haley Joel Osment', dyed his hair, and starred in a movie called 'the Sixth Sense.' It makes perfect sense, too. Later, he went on to play the voice of the star of 'Kingdom Hearts', Sora!
Harken, Least-Noticed of them All:
Harken and Isadora got married, went to Ilia and found the Pegasus Sisters. I don't feel like writing that all over again, okay?!
Pent, Mage-General of Eutruria:
Pent and Louise finally had a kid; a blonde girl named Clarine. She went Troubadour and was a very handy asset in Fire Emblem 6.
Louise, Wife of Pent:
Louise quit bitching about not having a kid long enough to make one. To make a long story short, their daughter is almost identical to the sniper.
Renault, Whom is Hardly Mentioned Ever:
Renault returned to a quiet life of being unnoticed. He thought long and hard about killing everybody off, but finally decided on just relaxing in his new home: Orlando, Florida.
Oswin, Knight of Ostia:
Oswin got bored one day and started his own club for knights in armor.
Wallace, Knight of Caelin:
Wallace joined Oswin's little club and together they fulfilled a dream: To be the greatest duo in history!
Karla, Sister of the Psycho Karel:
Karla found out how demented her brother really was and died. Poor Karla.
Karel, Psycho Killer/Swordsman:
Karel finally found out how stupid he looked with a demented smile, cut his hair and gained a more sentimental look. He cameos in Fire Emblem 6.
Bartre, Who Grows a Mustache:
Bartre cameod in Fire Emblem 6 and, as his title suggests, grew a mustache. A stylish one, at that.
Geitz, Who was Only in One Chapter:
Geitz and Geese lived a happy life until Geese went off to be in FE6. Curse you, Geese, curse you!
Dorcas, the One with the Weird Name:
Dorcas and Natalie lived out a full and happy life together in Bern. Dorcas finally earned enough money for Natalie's medecine and they then lived even more happily.
Lowen, Knight of Pharae:
Lowen went on to be the best chef in Lycia, earning title of 'Iron Chef Pharae.' He whupped the competition easily.
Marcus, Knight who is Succeeded By Lowen:
Marcus was disgruntled and settled down afterwards, because he could.
Hawkeye, who was Not in this Fic at All:
Hawkeye returned to Nabata to his daughter and wife. He's enjoying the sandstorms...
Dart, aka Dan:
Dart aka Dan returned to Pharae with Rebecca, his little sister, and welcomed his nephew, Wolt. Oh, boy. Don't leave Dart and Wolt in the same room together...
Sain, Perverted yet Attractive Knight of Caelin:
Sain never did find the perfect lady... But he did have the tactition to grovel before him.
Kent, Knight Commander of Caelin:
Kent welcomed two young knights into the Caelin barracks when he turned thirty-one: Alan and Lance. Little did he know that the duo would take over his and Sain's roles in the sequel to this prequel...
Farina, Fiora and Florina, the Pegasus Sisters of Ilia:
Well, I think I'd better show you...
(scene: the snowy land of Ilia. The sisters walk through the forest still, shivering and hungry.)
"I... Can't take this anymore!" screamed Fiora, almost ripping out her hair. "That's it! I'm going back the way we came!"
"I see light..." muttered Florina.
"You do?!" said Farina and Fiora simultaneously. They pushed each other out of the way to reach the edge of the forest.
Farina laughed with joy, kissing the frozen meadow, with no woodland areas for miles around except the one behind them. "OH GOD, I'M SO HAPPY TO SEE YOU, LAND!" she screamed, tears forming in her eyes and rolling down her cheeks, only to be frozen.
"I know the feeling, Farina!" cried Fiora in happiness. She and Florina danced around a bit.
Suddenly, a carriage with the words 'Just Married' written on the side in black paint pulled up. Isadora opened the door.
"Oh, dear! Hop inside, girls," she said. "You must be freezing."
Florina, Farina and Fiora boarded the carriage.
"So, you and Harken finally settled down, did ya?" chuckled Farina, winking at the newlyweds. "I always thought you two'd end up together."
Isadora wrapped blankets around the girls. "Well, I'm happy to see that you're not frozen. Man, that would be a waste of a mini-plot, huh?"
And they all shared a hearty laugh.
--The REAL, Legitimate End
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So actually ends Nomads United, my first chaptered fic to be completed. -sighs- I'm so happy! If it weren't twenty degrees, I'd cry... Well, hope you liked it, and, in a couple of weeks, I should have the outtakes and deleted scenes ready. A good fic has lots of production errors, did you know that? Oh, and I hope you're happy with the traditional Fire Emblem ending; it took me an hour to do.