Neal's Adventures in the Chamber of the Ordeal
Disclaimer: Don't own Neal and Co… only the plot and mad vegetables.
A/N: The idea came in the inspiration of a very famous phrase:" I hate spiders." Then, another, just as famous phrase popped up: "Eat your vegetables, Neal." Then, I wondered about how Neal actually managed to become a Knight. Halfway through the story, I thought about Kel's flock of sparrows and added them into the mess. And… Well… Neal is Neal. So I doused it all with the light cursing on his part, hence PG for his mouth, just to be safe. '...' - thoughts, "..." - speech. On with the story now.
Squire Nealan of Queenscove, more known as Neal,jumped as the doors to the dreaded Chamber of Ordeal locked behind him with a mocking snap.
With a sigh, he turned around the empty room.
'Okay, whatever it is, I'm NOT going to scream or talk or…'
His silent musings were interrupted by a bright flash.
It was morning, and he slouched into the mess hall, flopping down on his usual place next to Kel. He moodily pushed offending vegetables on the plate, deciding after a while that he'll just drop them down and nobody will notice except for Jump, Kel's dog who was hoping for some scraps, anyway. Unfortunately, Kel did notice.
"Eat your vegetables, Neal," she said absently, piling her own stuff in her spoon.
Neal was about to say his traditional line, when he remembered where he was and bit his tongue.
'Yes, Mother Kel. Damn, this damned Chamber. I do NOT afraid of HER and her VEGETABLES!' he thought furiously, debating on whether the food in front of him was really healthy.
Kel was watching, and Neal spooned some in his mouth with a resigned sigh.
'Might as well eat something, I never heard of the Chamber actually feeding anybody…'
"Aren't you done yet? Neal, eat those vegetables, you're going to need them – eventually."
Neal cursed silently before considering an option of throwing the offending vegetables on the floor and stomping out of the mess hall. While he won't do that normally, this time it was like the safest option he was given. So he went ahead and did it, anyway.
Once in an empty hallway, he gave a sigh of relief and glanced around. To his horror, he saw a giant carrot trailing in his wake. After the carrot, came a few cabbages and a rather scary bunch of leeks.
Neal gulped and raced down the hallway, as the vegetables went after him.
'Darn, and I'm not even armed! Why, oh, why didn't I think about asking the cook to lend his knife!'
"Nealan, did you eat any vegetables lately?"
Neal halted, spinning around to face a very scary Kel, who was sporting her Yamani mask, with her hands on her hips. The giant vegetables were lined up behind her. He gulped.
'Holy shit.'
"Okay, guys, move. Round 'im up," Kel commanded, taking immediate charge of the vegetable army.
The leeks were on the move very fast. Neal didn't have time to think before the leeks had him surrounded and he felt something very red and very wet spread against his shirt. Looking up, he saw a few tomatoes were lobbying themselves into the cabbage-leaf catapults and were aiming for him. He barely ducked the first haul, when the second smacked him straight in his face. The vegetables cheered.
'Ugh, I feel sick. What is it, the Let's-go-beat-the-Meathead-up day, or something?'
Neal pivoted on his heel, dodging another load of tomatoes, only to have onion rings tie him up.
'Terrific, now they took me hostage. Time to panic, Sir Knight.'
Neal thought a rather colourful string of curses, as the giant carrot, whom he guessed to be a mad Vegetable General, approach him with a what looked like Kel's s glaive. He shuddered and tried to struggle against the onion rings.
A very wrong thing to do, as he soon discovered, since his eyes immediately welled up.
Neal cursed silently, trying to think up an escape route, but all he succeeded in was dropping on his behind and bumping his head on something sharp. The scene before him, thankfully, went blank.
Neal awoke, immediately making sure he was still in one piece.
'Well, we really can't have my handsome and dramatic self being hacked in pieces by some mad vegetables, can we, now?' He shuddered again at the memory, wriggled on the floor to ensure that there wasn't any onion rings clinging to him.
'Then again, I can't really blame 'em. I mean, even girls can't keep their hands off of me, maybe those poor veggies couldn't either, I'm that handsome.'
Something moved in the farthest corner on his right.
'What have we here…'
Forgetting where he was, and out of sheer curiosity, Neal cautiously crept towards the corner. What he saw was a certain, eight legged insect of the certain class of insects.
Namely, a spider.
'GAH!' Neal jumped a foot in the air, and promptly hit his head on the Chamber's ceiling, landing on his behind. 'I HATE spiders! I LOATHE spiders!!! And this Chamber has a sick sense of humour,' he added, as he scrambled away from the offending creature, putting a safe distance between the two of them.
Unfortunately, the spider had a different idea. He seemed interested in the creature who had invaded into his territory and scrambled after Neal. Neal, who haven't noticed the creature at first, was very unpleasantly surprised as the said spider sat on his nose.
He nearly screamed, and ran around the room, trying to get the thing off of his nose.
Finally, he sneezed violently.
'Crap. Does sneezing count as a sound? Gods, I hope not.'
He eventually managed to brush the spider off his face. What he didn't notice was that the spider was VERY persistent. Meaning, the spider climbed right back up, only this time resting on Neal's head.
'ARGH! He's here AGAIN!'
Having just noticed that, Neal jumped – again. This time, he hit his head rather hard, and managed to loose his footing.
'Aw, crap, not again!' he thought, as he lost consciousness.
Waking up, Neal blinked. He was sprawled in the grass this time, and the sun was too bright. A loud chirping made him look around. Much to his surprise, he found Kel and her flock of sparrows talking to Daine the Wild Mage. Well, more accurately, Kel and Daine were talking while the sparrows listened.
Unfortunately for him, the sparrows noticed the new arrival – him, and aimed for his head.
'Argh! What the hell is wrong with this thing?'
Neal managed to duck the first wave of sparrows, but he really missed the second time, as something rather solid hit his head. He nearly yowled in pain before remembering where he was.
'I think I already said that this thing has a sick sense of humour,' he thought crossly before closely examining the sparrows. To his intense horror, most of the flock of eighteen was armed with twigs, pebbles, and leaves.
'While I can't really feel leaves… Ouch! I'll probably feel the twigs and the pebbles,' he though gloomily. 'OUCH! Hey, you, annoying things, I'm gonna wring your necks the next time I see you..!'
'OUCH!'
Neal rubbed his head, as twigs and pebbles repeatedly attacked him. One of the sparrows gave a chirping command, and the flock dived again, this time aiming for his face.
'Ow, crap.'
Neal ducked, in process falling to the grass, and started furiously wiping at the sparrows, who were very persistent at leaving their marks on his skin. Apparently, Daine and Kel had long since stopped talking because he could hear a very distinctive laugh coming from their direction.
'Laugh all you want… Ow… I… Ouch… don't really care… Ow… Hey, stop pulling my hair, you stupid thing!'
The last thought was directed on the sparrow who was vigorously pulling at his locks of hair , tugging with just the right force.
' Crap. Ow. You leave me alone.'
Neal swiped at the nearest sparrow, who by now had annoyed the hell out of him and brushed her away. His hand connected with the stone wall and he winced.
'OUCH!'
The doors creaked open, and Neal dashed out, nearly bowling over a group of people waiting for him.
"That Chamber has a sick sense of humour," he announced to his friends before hearing an all too familiar chirp.
Kel, Daine and Numair watched with wide eyes, as Neal fled away from the Chamber of the Ordeal, his face whiter than snow and a flock of sparrows around him.
"What's gotten into him?" Daine asked cautiously.
Kel gave an indifferent shrug, trying not to laugh.
"Don't have a clue." Pausing, she added, "Then again, Neal is… well… Neal."
Numair raised an eyebrow at the statement and chuckled.
Exchanging amused looks, the Lady Knight and two mages dashed after Neal, wondering what went wrong in the Chamber.
A/N: that's what happens when you think too much hope you liked it.