Update: 1/23/2005

Wow. I just reread this, and I don't even recognize it. I guess I was just sort of in a trance when I wrote it. Anyways, if you're wondering about the title, I figured that since all the Degrassi episodes are named for songs (80's songs, actually, but that's not the point), I'd name this one after a song, too. It's by Reinventing the Wheel, a band with a couple of my friends in it, and it seemed to fit, so I decided: why not?

Check them out at reinventingthewheel. net, 'k?

Until next time… see ya!

Undone
(Rick's Last Testament)

I deserved all I got for the things that I did. I admit it freely now. I did a horrible thing to Terri. I'll never forget how terrible I felt afterwards. I almost wanted to die. No, I did want to die. To go away, and never have to show the world my face again. Many of you probably still think I should have.

I'd felt more than enough remorse for what I'd done, and though you may not believe me, I was ready to start anew when I returned to Degrassi. I was cured; I was free. I had my anger under control, or at least I thought I did. That's half the battle anyway, right?

What I hadn't counted on was the resistance I found when I did come back. The constant bullying, Emma and Paige's crusade against me, and Radich's shrugging off my pleas for help. I somehow managed to hold myself together, and I even managed to show a few people that I really had changed. Toby came first, then Emma and Sean, and, in the end, Jimmy…. Then, the quiz show. I had been waiting for so long. It was a chance for me to show the school, no, the world, that I had changed, that no one needed to fear me ever again.

I remember the lightning round, the blur of questions whizzing past my ears, and the even faster blur of my brain digging through all my knowledge, finding the answers, and ordering my mouth to shout them out, then return to digging again. I remember answering the final question, the euphoria of bringing glory to Degrassi.

Then, from the best moments of my life, came the worst.

I remember the paint, the cold, slimy paint slopping over my shoulders, coating my glasses, plastering my hair to my head, oozing down my back.

I remember the feathers, drifting down and sticking all over me, like downy snowflakes, and for a moment I thought they must melt in the heat of my anger, melt in the flame of my fury, melt in the hell my life had suddenly become.

I remember the laughter, cold as the paint, and malicious as Satan himself.

I remember Emma, shouting that, all that time, all she had felt for me was pity.

I remember my father's gun as I pulled it out of the case, and shoved it into my backpack.

I remember Paige's forgiveness, her slight compassion barely sparing her from my blind fury.

I remember the false revelation, planted by Spinner and Jay, that sealed my fate.

I remember Jimmy, crumpling, collapsing, falling to the ground, blood flowing from the bullet hole I had made in his back.

I remember Sean, pleading with me to calm down as I pointed the gun at Emma's head.

I remember the struggle, the hopeless struggle with Sean, who was only trying to help me.

I remember pulling the trigger.

I remember nothing else.

All those flashes of memory, one at a time, over, and over, and over, are all I have left now, after death. You will never forget what I've done, and you will always loathe me for it. But memory and hate have nothing to do with forgiveness, if you decide so. So I ask for you to offer your compassion.

I had changed. You had not.

It was never meant to be.

Terri, I miss you….

Forgive me, everyone….