CHAPTER 3: A PROMISED RENEWED
Weeks went by since Lucrecia first saw Vincent, and during that time unknown dreams haunted her sleep; each one was her talking with him. Some were happy, others were sad; and one odd dream consisted of two scientists – one that was in her first nightmare and the other seemed more pleasant.
These are memories . She thought to herself, but whose? These are defiantly not mine … or are they? Lucrecia stopped talking to Hanz about her dreams, because she noticed something strange about how he looked at her while she was talking. That look was sending cold chills down her spine.
Lucrecia sighed and reached for the notebook on the nightstand. She unclipped the pen, opened the notebook to a blank page and started writing. After a while she stopped, loosing her concentration and her mind dwelt on Vincent.I wonder what happened to Vincent; something tragic after the first Lucrecia death must have happened. He's not the same since the night we first talked. Vincent is still holding something back and I want him to know that I would listen to him and not say a word. Does he trust me though? I feel strange inside every time I see him, why? My heart aches every time I look into Vincent's ruby eyes, those eyes … how it wants to tell me the story it has to say, but his mind won't let them.Lucrecia sighed and placed the notebook back on the nightstand. She leaned back on the pillow, and closed her soft, weary brown eyes - and before long Lucrecia fell asleep.
A trip to the library always calmed her nerves after a stressful day at work. She nodded to the librarians as she entered, for they all know her very well. She laid the notebooks and folders, which she was carrying on the nearest table and continued to her usually section. The woman's glanced at the books and out of the corner of her eye; she noticed a familiar color suite walk around the corner. She quietly followed and accidentally bumped into that person.
"OH! Sorry I didn't … "
"It's alright, it's isn't the first time."
Lucrecia looked up and her brown eyes focused on a lovely pair of blue, looking down at her.
"Vincent?" She asked shocked.
"Surprised to see me here Lucrecia?" He stated casually. Lucrecia felt her cheeks flush with embarrassment as she replied. "Uh… kinda…"
A small smile crept up on Vincent's face. "It is strange to find a Turk hanging around in a library. Most of them don't like to read, but I find it peaceful after a stressful day at ShinRa HQ, if you know what I mean." Lucrecia nodded in agreement. "That is why I come here too."
Why does she feel strange every time she sees or talks to this Turk Vincent? Her heart seems to skip a beat whenever he's around.
Then she noticed the book in his arms. "What book are you reading?"
His glance went down to the book, then back to Lucrecia and shrugged his broad shoulders. "Don't know it just looked interesting, so I decided to give it a shot." Lucrecia looked at the spine of the book and read the title out loud. "Human Experimentation: Is it right or wrong." She looked back up at Vincent.
"I didn't know you liked science."
"I know all the basic stuff, never cared for the really deep subjects, but this caught my eyes for some reason."
"If you want, I could explain the parts that you don't understand and have questions about. I would really like to help you in the subject that I like." Vincent noticed a small shine in Lucrecia's eyes as she spoke and smiled at her.
"Sure, I'd like that, thanks for the offer."
"No problem Vincent." Lucrecia smiled back at Vincent. "I'm sitting at the table around the corner if you would like a place to sit."
"It's always good to have company." With that Vincent walked around the corner and sat down. Lucrecia followed him as he did so, and wondered why this Turk was so different from the rest. Every time she sees him, Vincent is usually by himself and on occasion another Turk accompanies him …
Lucrecia stirs as light shone through the window to her room. She slowly opened her eyes and sighed. Another dream … does these have some hidden message that I am supposed to know? Maybe Vincent ... Lucrecia thought to herself but stopped when she realized that Vincent disappeared all the sudden. The man downstairs, Cloud Strife says that he does this all the time and she shouldn't be concerned … but she is and she can't stop thinking about him. Lucrecia can't get Vincent out of her mind, everything that he ever said to her stayed with her.
He was so sad and how she wanted to do more than just listen, Lucrecia's heart screamed for her to hold Vincent – but her body wouldn't move.
The whole time Vincent had been gone, she wanted to see him again, his light ruby eyes pained her heart deeply and how it ached for him. What is this feeling? Lucrecia slowly got out went to the bathroom, as she looked in the mirror her eyes were red. Had she had been crying? Lucrecia rubbed her eyes and sighed, this whole time she wasn't focused on her work; her mind was everywhere else, except in the present.
Lucrecia got dressed, brushed her hair, picked up her folders and exited the room.
"I hope he's alright..." She said to herself.
(I linger in the doorway)
Vincent stood in a dark alley, and blended in the shadows. He can't remember why he left Midgar, or and why he returned.
(Monsters calling my name)
Maybe he came back because his happiest memories were here, this is the place he found love; yes it was the most unusual place he thought it could ever be, and yes this was the place where his dreams were shattered. Vincent then decided that he should be heading back, but why? What was there at the hotel that draws him there again?
(Let me stay, where the wind will whisper to me)
One rainy night when he thought that his life couldn't be worse, is when she came back. The woman he thought he would never see again, a woman that has haunted his dreams for the past thirty-one years; was now here again, his mind in chaos trying to solve this mystery … why?
As he started walking, dark rain clouds crept slowly across the darkening sky. Vincent could feel the light taps of raindrops on his shoulders.
(Where the raindrops as they're falling tell a story)
A slight chilly wind rushed past him, blowing his hair into his face and wrapping his cape around him; but he ignored it. His mind was always where it was … never in the present anymore, but in the time and place where he actually lived.
(I lie inside myself for hours)
Where else would his mind recede to when he felt this way? Again he feels the icy stares of the passerby's and once again ignores them. He knows what they think sometime about him.
'Poor soul, I wonder what he thinks about', 'maybe he's not all there ya know? He could be like….'
(Don't say I'm out of touch)
Vincent knows more than they ever will, for he was alive when ShinRa was just getting big and in control of all Midgar … and was there to see that mighty giant fall. He knows more about the past then most of the new historians, why don't they ask the stranger about the past? Why would they? This stranger scares everyone that sees him … they wouldn't dare approach someone that has a metal arm.
that's right Vincent, you're a freak living in a 'normal' world and trying to live a 'normal' life in it
(With this rampant Chaos – your reality)
How things change, and how I thought the world I knew could never be something – but that one day, I knew my world would be changed for the worse.
why do you still think about it? you could never go back and change it, so why keep torturing yourself….
Maybe there is nothing else I can do, maybe that's the part of me that keeps me sane in this world that I shouldn't be
(I know what lies beyond my sleeping refuge)
Chaos still speaks to him, and Vincent blocks him out. The past always seems to catch up with him in the inopportune times, but he's grown accustomed to it and he likes it most of the times.
(The nightmare I built my own world to escape)
The raindrops tapping his shoulders more forcefully as he headed back to the hotel, but he doesn't care about it. The rain reminds him of his past … sad, lonely and once again it will pass, but soon it will come back and the cycle continues till the end of time.
His mind is back at that day, as he held the first Lucrecia in his arms and then he heard what issued forth … a scream of desperation? No it was one of sadness … loneliness, and what soon will come to be.
(Swallowed up in the sound of my screaming)
Vincent closed his eyes shut, trying to erase that sound out of his mind, but he never can and never will … for it was that day he was doomed to relive that time forever.
(Cannot cease for the fear of silent nights)
He looked up and there was the hotel in front of him. Vincent looked around and the rain stopped but he knew that the cycle will start again very soon … like his life, it's a never ending cycle of sadness and loneliness.
(Oh how I long for the deep sleep dreaming)
But will his dream ever come true? His life long, dream since that day was to sleep and never wake up … but will someone come to his resting place and shatter that dream once again?
He knows that it wasn't Cloud's fault, but ShinRa needed to be stopped, and now how he wished for the time that he could repeat that sleep.
Today seemed to drag on, more than usual, but something made this day a one to dread. Footsteps were heard, and the splashes when they hit the puddles of water. The person was breathing heavily as if trying to catch their breath as they ran. The person looked back every once and a while to see if someone was coming, the footsteps sounded like that person was running for their life. The breath came in gasps, as if the person was going to fall unconscious at any given time. The alley ahead was quite, but the footsteps never lightened, yelling was heard in the background but the person running just seemed to run faster, trying to put as much distance as they could between them and that voice. Then a cloud decided to drop its water on the fleeing person, as if to say that no matter what, they can't run fast enough to escape their fate.
Fate…. Now that's a word people could love and loathe at the same time. What it could mean depends on the situation involving that person. It could end up making that person happy and blames it on fate… but the down side is that it could also mean that a person is meant to suffer and no matter what that person can do, nothing goes right. Destiny could also mean the same thing in the same situation. Those two words can mean a lot of different things for different people. Maybe the same for two people, if they actually believe in that fate and destiny is real and works hand in hand with each other.
(I'm so tired of being here)
One person does blame fate for his troubles, pain and grief. He lives a life of solitude and can never find what he wants, no matter how hard he looks and tries.
(Suppressed by all my childish fears)
Vincent was in his room, thoughts running wild circles in his head. Contemplating everything that has happened in his lifetime; Always wondering if something could change his life for the better, but he always came to the same conclusion: How can someone like me find happiness? Fate has other plans for me … my destiny lies elsewhere, somewhere I can't find or touch … so what happens to me? Will I ever leave my past behind, and stop thinking about it?? Or is this what they have in store for the rest of my life?
(I would give the very breath from my chest)
How he wishes that he could do something more on that day. Anything would have been better than what he did. Why didn't he choose to do something? Why did he just stay where he was? Was it because of all the emotions that he was feeling at the same time …: love, anger, fear, sadness, and loneliness?
(To give you all the things that my mind couldn't bare.)
He couldn't quite explain what he felt that day; he still can't put his feelings in words. Did Vincent feelings have any words to explain? Since that day, the mistake he made, has haunted his life for all eternity. His heart breaks every time he thinks of that, and no one can see it, or hear, but Vincent alone.
(And if you have to leave)
He stares out of the window, thinking if they are answers to all his questions; but one word comes to mind: no.
Why me? Why I am I meant to suffer this way? This thing started the day Lucrecia died.
(I wish that you would just leave)
Then all the sudden a loud, pounding noise came from outside his room.
"Vincent, please open the door!"
(Because you presence still lingers here)
The voice had an urgency tone; he quickly jumped off his bed and ran to the door. As he opened it, Lucrecia stood there, soaked with the rain and her tears.
(And it won't leave me alone.)
"Lucrecia?"
(These wounds won't seem to heal; this pain is just too real)
She walked in quickly, as Vincent closed the door. He stood there; confused, even from here he could see her body shaking with her tears. Vincent quietly walked up behind her, and then Lucrecia suddenly turned around and buried her wet face in Vincent's chest.
(There is just too much that time cannot erase.)
"Oh Vincent...."
(When you cried ... I'd wipe away all of your tears.
When you'd scream ... I'd fight away all of your fears)
Lucrecia said through her sobs. Unconscientiously Vincent took one of her hands into his and the other, the metallic one, he wrapped around her waist.
(And I've held your hand through all of these years)
"What's wrong Lucrecia?"
She didn't respond, and he just held her tightly against him. This reminds me of that day, but I was the one that was crying then…. And she was crying on Hojo's shoulders... He thought to himself.
"Protect me from him please Vincent." Lucrecia said softly breaking into his thoughts. He looked down at her with a quizzical look.
"He who?"
(But you still have)
"The professor..."
Professor, how he learned to loath that word and anything associated with it. Now there is a different professor that has come to destroy their lives.
"Don't worry Lucrecia; no-one is going to hurt you. No-one, I promise you."
(All me)
Again with that promise … this time I will keep it… even if I have to die …
(You used to captivate me by your resonating life)
His hand, still holding hers, moved up and touched her soft, damped cheek. Vincent stepped back, his ruby eyes meeting her delicate brown eyes. She looked up at him and smiled.
(Now I'm bound by the life you left behind)
"Thank you..."
(Your face it haunts)
Vincent couldn't hold back his feelings any longer; he bent down and kisses her lips.Lucrecia was shocked at first, but didn't push herself away, and soon that emotion faded. The hand that was being held by Vincent's somehow found a way to free itself and went around his waist, as her other hand did the same.
(My once pleasant dreams)
Vincent hugged Lucrecia tighter, not wanting this moment to end. After awhile, Vincent slowly backed away and turned around as if ashamed of what he did. "Sorry." Was all Vincent could say, he couldn't find any other words to justify his actions.
(Your voice it chased away all the sanity in me)
"Vincent? Why?"
"I shouldn't have done that, I don't know what came over me. Sorry Lucrecia."
(These wounds won't seem to heal)
"It's alright. Don't be sorry Vincent; I should be the one to apologize." With that Lucrecia lowered her head and stared at the floor.
Vincent turned back around and looked at her, with a shocked expression on his face.
"You shouldn't be sorry, you've done nothing wrong."
(This pain is just too real)
"Yes I did, Vincent! If I didn't look so much like her, you wouldn't have done what you did." Tears ran down her cheeks as she looked into Vincent's eyes.
"It's not your fault."
"Vincent...." Lucrecia's voice was hardly above a whisper.
(There's just too much that time cannot erase)
"Don't talk Lucrecia. There are other things that I have not told you about me."
Lucrecia stood where she was, waiting for him to continue. What other things happened? What hasn't he told me? She thought to herself. She remembered their conversation earlier. Vincent took a breath and let it out slowly. Here it goes. He thought to himself.
(When you cried)
"When we first talked, I told you how the first Lucrecia died and how Hojo done nothing to save her. What happened afterwards is what you see before you." He held up his metallic arm as if to put it on display for all to see. "As I turned around to leave, I heard a gun shot. It took me awhile to find out that I was the one that got shot. Instead of letting me die, Hojo saved my life, only to have immortality - never to die of old age - and my metallic arm. These are the reminders of what happened thirty-one years ago. I will always look like how I did back then; remember every single moment of that life, and how I wish to God, that I could forget them ... even for one day..." Vincent stopped and closed his eyes, how that hurt him to talk about.
Lucrecia stood there speechless, her hand over her mouth. This was defiantly not what she expected to hear from him.
"Vinc..."
(I'd wipe away all of your tears)
"I'm not finished yet," Vincent said gently interrupting her. "There is one more thing for you to know and after hearing it - you have to decide if you still want to be around me...."
Why? Why am I saying this!
because she has to know who and what you truly are! MONSTER!!! DEMON!!!! she will hate you like the first one! she will say for you to stay away from her! you shall repeat this nightmarish cycle for the rest of your life!!!!!!!
Vincent started to shake and his hand was trembling; trying to fight off his inner voice. He took a breath to steady his beating heart, but it just kept pounding.
(When you'd scream)
"All the while I was being experimented on, day in and day out. He also injected some of the Jenova cells into my bloodstream. One of the experiments was with the irises which in turn made my eyes red, and also... something else ... 'grew' inside me... It.... it..."
(I'd fight away all of your fears)
He started to feel sweat pouring off his face, he couldn't continue. IT scared him and he can't talk about IT. How can he describe what he truly is now to someone?
(And I've held your hand through all of these years)
"Vincent, please don't continue to hurt yourself like this." Lucrecia's eyes started to water more, as she saw and heard him talk about his past. Vincent looked into her eyes, how he remembered that look in Lucrecia's on that day she ran to Hojo after their fight.... During the conversation, Vincent walked past Lucrecia and sat down on the bed. Lucrecia wiped her tears away with her sleeve, as she watched him. He leaned back against the backboard of the bed, and looked into her eyes, which was still moist from the tears that are flowing down her cheeks.
(But you still have)
"Can I stay with you tonight? I'm scared," she said softly through the tears.
(All me)
Vincent nodded slowly. Lucrecia walked up to the bed, got in, laying on his lap and resting her head on his metallic arm. She welcomed the warm embrace that followed next, she feels much safer here then any other place she could remember. To her, Vincent was the guardian angel that was sent to her in her most troubled time. Even though Vincent would never believe that he could ever be called someone's angel, when he knows that there's a demon inside him. Before too long Lucrecia was sound asleep, and Vincent stood watch over her.
As she slept on his arm, Vincent's mind went back in time again. This was not the happiest moment; it's always the same trip as before. The moment that would change him forever, his other hand gently moved up and down her arm, as a parent would to comfort their child after a bad dream. Vincent can't explain all these emotions he's feeling at this time. The night drifted along slowly, as Vincent held Lucrecia. To him, it was a never-ending night, to hold his love - or someone might call it her 'spirit' or copy - but he didn't care. Vincent has finally found some happiness in his dark and lonesome life.
it will end you know… you will always be alone! you are destined to be alone, only me to keep you company for all eternity … you … a monster … are never allowed to be happy!!
For God's sake leave me alone! Why do you always torture me?!
i am your constant reminder of what was, what is, and will always be!
Deep inside, Vincent thought he could hear Chaos laughing. No matter how hard he tries, Vincent can't forget Chaos. A demon that was 'born', or created, on that day, became a revenge for her death later on. He sat still, listening to Lucrecia's breathing. It's weird that something this trivial could sooth an aching wound like his heart. His heart will never be filled like it was thirty-one years ago, but could it be mending? Slowly covering over the hole?
It seems that history is repeating itself … but how far will it go? How long will it last? …
How far back in time will Vincent's mind wonder? In a brief period of time, his whole life went through his mind - even what just happened last year. Vincent closed his eyes, and sighed; these past few months have caused him a lot of pain and suffering.
(I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone)
Vincent's heart ached every time he thought of Lucrecia; and now his love has came back to him. Different emotions swelled up inside his body. It was like a tug of war between his mind, heart and soul; one part tells him to keep her safe and love her, another part tries to comprehend what has happened; and the other tells Vincent that this is not real and to forget what he sees - but he can't.
(And though you're still with me)
How can I forget Lucrecia? Trying to forget her is like denying who or what I am …
(I've been alone all along)
The war continued on, and Vincent soon let the night carry him away - far away from the inner turmoil. Lucrecia opened her eyes and looked around; she had totally forgotten that she fell asleep. She tried to move, but soon realized that Vincent's arm was around her chest, as if holding on to her so she wouldn't fall - and pulled her head back to look up at him; Vincent was asleep.
(When you cried ... I'd wipe away all of your tears.)
How long have I been asleep? Lucrecia thought to herself, and noticed the expression on Vincent's face. He looks so peaceful now, as if all his pain just vanished into thin air. Poor lost, wondering soul …
(When you'd scream ... I'd fight away all of your fears)
Will you ever find your new place in this world? Can you ever truly be free of all the things that hurt you so? Do you need someone to help you carry that burden?
(And I've held your hand through all of these years)
She freed one hand and placed it on his cheek. If you need someone, I'll try to help you as the best way I can … But how can I?
(But you still have)
It hurts you so deeply to tell me, I can see it in your eyes as you talk; maybe we're not strong enough to trust each other yet. When we can, that will be the day we both will be free once again.
(All me)
Lucrecia smiled, this was a new feeling for her, but yet it seems so right and wrong at the same time. Deep in her mind she knew that this was right, and yet something in the back of it recognized the feeling – like she had it before; but her heart said the opposite … it says to leave him and never come back, for just being next to Vincent hurts him so … but yet it is comforting for her and him both. Lucrecia agreed with her mind and before long she drifted back to sleep.
Vincent opened his eyes and felt her hand slip from his face. He looked down and saw a smile on her face. What was she thinking about? What is the reason for her smile?
(I long to walk away and pull myself out of the rain)
Vincent can never find his smile again, for his mind is caught in the eye of an endless storm. His heart is so weighed down with sadness, how on earth could he find time for a smile?
(But I can't leave without you.)
How he dreads remembering the things of long ago, and how he wished he could always forget those memories. The memory of him holding her tightly that night in the mansion, tears never came that night … for some reason he couldn't feel anything more.
(I would love to live without the constant fear and endless doubt)
But deep down inside, he can't … he just can't forget her. If he ever did, he would feel that he really betrayed his feeling about the woman he loved and cared for.
(But I can't live without you.)
He lived without Lucrecia for over thirty odd years, but for some reason he holds on to that memory of when he was happy with her. Vincent could never forget Lucrecia in his long, lonely life … for who could ever erase the happiest moment in someone's life? It would feel worse then having your very heart ripped from your chest. That is what he feels if he betrayed that memory of them. Her love is what keeps him going even now when he is so confused about the twists and turns that this evil world throws at him.