Harry found himself longing to be back in class as he stood nervously stood in front of an elderly witches and two blatantly gay wizards. He was wearing their standard white t-shirt and grey shorts.

The first wizard, in a shirt so pink that Harry was happy they had made them take his glasses off, suddenly said "Now Harry darling, do you work out? Teehee." no take that back, he giggled it.

"Uh yah." Replied a rather dumbfound Harry, for whatever reason he was dumfounded. It was either the shock to him that homosexuals actually existed in the wizarding world, or that he was deep into this guy's rippling muscles.

"And how tall are you then? O. And your weight please?"

"Uh. I don't really know."

"Oky doky kiddo. You're in! OMG!!! This is so exciting isn't Danilo?"

Harry didn't remember anything else that had happened. He definitely didn't end up back in whatever class it was that he was supposed to be having at the time. Time passed, and Harry found the list of who the suckers who were supposed to walk with him. Ron made it, but Hermione didn't. Harry decided he had better find her, she'd need consoling; the over-achieving, coffee-addicted bitch would probably be bottling all her emotions into studying for a test in two months in the back of the library where the sun doesn't shine.

Harry trudged through the stone halls, in a daze. He forgot where the library was, so it took him a good half an hour to get there. Harry also forgot about the Marauder's Map until he got there. He decided that he was smoking way too much pot, or maybe just too often, or maybe it was just one or two bad joints.

Sure enough, Hermione was reading a book; sure enough it was a book bigger than her (pre)verbial head.

"Hey Mione."

"Oh hullo Harry. How are you doing?"

"Uh ok." said Harry, waiting for her to fish them out of the awkward silence.

Hermione flipped the page of her book and continued reading. She did eventually look up at Harry and cleared her throat loudly (one could assume that she was approximately half way down the page).

"Well Harry, thanks so much for caring.", she said, her voice dripping in over-obvious sarcasm "I think I'll get over it. Perhaps I shall become anorexic and then sue them for incongruous sums of money claiming emotional abuse and destruction of private property."

Harry really didn't get the 'private property' bit, but just nodded his head anyways.

"Just pretend you know what she's talking about. Girls like it when you listen." said the wise little voice in his head.

"Girl?" Harry's other voice asked back.

"Well young lady then if you must be so correct.", shot back the slightly peeved and far too proud little voice, just pretending that Harry didn't mean what he actually meant, "Just do it ok. It's fool-proof."

"Harry you totally didn't get that one did you?!! Are you even listening to me?!?! You're just like the rest of them!" squealed Hermione.

"I told you it wouldn't work. Its Hermione, she's no fool." said Harry to the little voice in his head, followed by a chuckle.

"Harry this isn't funny!!!!", said a rather pissed off Hermione who had now stood up and emphasizes this statement by banging her fist against the table.

"I wasn't laughing at you. You should just chill out Hermione. Let's get out of here."

"NO!"

"Excuse me Miss Granger, but due to the unnecessarily disturbing vocals which you are generating, I would like to ask that you leave this library and pursue your conversation and work in another part of the school, as you are disrupting the quietness necessary for other students, as you yourself must understand and respect."

"Uh. Yes Madame." it was Hermione's turn to look dumbfounded. All these years she thought that she was smarter than the librarian! I will get her for this, Hermione thought evilly.

Harry and Hermione walked up to the Astronomy Tower. It was the favorite place of students to "chill", without supervision, or chance thereof, and do things that they obviously wouldn't do under said supervision.

Hermione plopped down on one of the sofas that had mysteriously, and illegally, been brought up to this rooftop. Harry figured that she must really have been upset because she didn't point out the fact that she would have to tell her head of house about the sofa.

Hermione just sat there consumed in her own depression. Harry sat down next to her and took out a joint. He looked at Hermione, wallowing in self-hate, and lit it.

He took a couple of puffs and then offered it to Hermione in a hand gesture. To his surprise she took it. To his even greater surprise she didn't throw it away but looked blankly at it and then at him.

"Harry, I can't.", she stammered, "If I got caught…"

"Then don't get caught."

Hermione looked back at the joint, ashamed, "I've never smoked though… I don't even know, I didn't even know about…"

Harry was inwardly smiling at the fact that he knew something she didn't. Actually when he thought about it she didn't really know a lot besides useless facts.

"Its new huh? Not knowing everything."

He took her hand and moved it up to her mouth.

"Now puff in, don't breath out, hold it in, its better." he directed. He liked being in charge, he liked being the teacher for once. Harry's mind obviously flashed to a dominatrix scenario, but flashed out of it because getting a boner would have been awkward.

Harry let Hermione finish that one by herself, he had one himself too.

"Harry, you have to teach me everything I don't know. I'm so stupid."

Harry knew it was probably the drug speaking, even if Hermione was thinking it, she would never ever have said it.

He shrugged it off.

"Lesson one." he said softly as he leaned in and kissed her.

He shifted closer to her and rubbed one hand on her thigh. Hermione groaned.

She wasn't a very good kisser. Harry realized that he was becoming rather immune to getting stoned, seeing as he actually noticed this, actually concluded that she may have never made out with a guy, let alone used tongue, and he actually couldn't have given a damn.

Hermione had now straddled him and Harry had both hand very firmly placed on her but.

"Harry, I don't know what this is… I have to… I need something…" Hermione droned quietly.

That was all Harry needed to hear.

He requested a blow job. Hermione said that she didn't know what that was, so he pushed her hand down to his cock. Hermione stupidly grinned and giggled and giggled and giggled and giggled and fell off the sofa giggling.

This all rather annoyed Harry right now. He was pretty fed up with her.

Harry went back to his dorm and took a shower. That was pretty nasty he decided. He had always considered Hermione to be somewhat ugly, so he considered the consequences of his actions, or her actions, and decided that he definitely would tell anyone, let alone Hermione. But he still wanted a blow job.

Ron in the mean time had been depressed too. Even more depressed than usual. Depressed that the gay guys had thought that him being all depressed gave him a cool look and got him into being a male model. "I hope that I don't turn out gay cause of this," thought Ron.

Ron considered slitting his wrists, a bit of pain to ease it. He also considered getting piss drunk and not being able to walk down the runway. He also considered telling his homophobic family who would drag him away from the school so fast he might have found it funny. Actually what did happen was that Neville had accidentally knocked him out with a spell when he was trying to get the Fat Lady Door to open up.

Ron woke up, only to not find himself on the stone floor where he remember being before. He was sitting in one of those leather twirly chairs with Danilo and Vin-scent standing over him applying his makeup and what one could categorize as 'fixing' his hair.

He was apparently in one of those infrequently used rooms at the back of the Great Hall.

Harry was there too. As were all the twenty so-called "winners". Among them was Malfoy, Padma, Lavender and one would assume there would be another fifteen students there too then.

Malfoy was currently chatting up a tall girl that no one had ever heard of before. She had legs that went on forever. Malfoy was joking about the large amounts of black eyeliner on them and kept rubbing his hand on his chest since apparently the two gay guys had forgotten to find him a designer shirt of any kind or knit.

The show went ok. No one fell. They all survived and people actually stayed, but on the other hand they were serving dinner at the same time. When it was done, as in when the deprived teachers had gotten enough photos of the half-naked students so that they could make an accurate descision as far as the contest went, the models had to go back and wash off the makeup.

Ron was the first to get out the rubbing alcohol.

"You think you could drink this?" Ron philosophized out loud.

"No way Weasle." sneered Malfoy.

"Why don't you piss off Malfoy.", said Harry defiantly.

"Why don't you let Weasle pick his own fights."

"You're going to fight him?"

"Of course not! I love Weasle!" chuckled Malfoy.

Harry's jaw dropped.

"Yeash Harry, why would I fight with Malfoy." piped in Ron, "Well I do like it when you get all mad Malfoy."

Malfoy laughed, and him and Ron fell into a corner lustfully making out.

"I would have never thought he was gay.", said the unknown girl from before.

"I know, he's so not his type. I'm Harry by the way."

"I know. I'm Parlione."

"Do you think you can drink rubbing alcohol?"

"No."

"I need a drink.", complained Harry pulling out a half empty bottle of vodka, taking a swig and passing it to his new friend Parlione.

"Thanks."

"You're welcome."

They were both still staring at Ron and Malfoy until Harry realized that he was trying to drink out of an empty bottle. He looked at Parlione, who turned her head up.

"Its empty." pointed out Harry.

"What'll we do?"

Harry put the bottle down and they sat down in one of those leather twirly chairs and started making out.

The time was 12:59:52.

Find out what happens in that last 8 seconds!!! Haha. Maybe something, probably nothing. Lol. I know that there was a lot of hooking up and whatnot but this is all purely sarcastic humour speaking. I'm kinda making fun of other stories, not really a parody of high school right now. The next chapter will be back in the proper tradition. I just wasn't in that cynical mood about school since I've been avoiding it for the last week (I was supposed to be there … but I wasn't O!).