Title - Elves, Hobbits, & Mary-Sues, Oh My

Author - Paige Darke

Rating - PG-13

Disclaimer - Not mine. I don't even particularly want them. Too much stress.

Distribution - Ask, and ye shall receive. Really, I'm flattered.

Summary - A teenage girl is dropped into Middle-Earth. She finds herself the prisoner of a pair of Mary-Sues, with a complete lack of modern conveniences, reading material in ENGLISH, and everything she knows. And she most DEFINITELY does NOT want to be there.

~*~

I was glaring at Elladan, and he was grinning at me, like there was just no end in sight.

Maybe he thought I was funny. Hell if I know.

"So..."

~*~

Have I mentioned that I am absolutely freakin' useless at starting conversations?

Ask somebody from work, once. Like Kristen, or Benji, or Barry..

Yeah. You get it.

~*~

"Soo..." Elladan echoed.

I take back everything I said about them being pretty. He's as irritating as hell.

"Did you know it's rude to only make conversation by echoing what the other person says?"

"Did you know it's rude to snap at your host?" he asked, grinning at me.

"Grumble, grumble."

He just grinned at me.

Very irritating.

~*~

"Ho~ly wow," I muttered, looking around my new room.

"Does it meet your approval?" Elladan asked.

~*~

For some reason, that boy seemed to take this almost Satanic delight in picking on me.

Boy? Well, yeah, I know he was old enough to be my great-to-the-power-of- infinity grandfather, but still.he looked young.

Yeah, and pretty. VERY pretty.

~*~

Elladan left a few minutes later, bowing low and making a few more mocking comments. That left me to look around my room - which was gorgeous, but even Elven architecture gets old after awhile - and then start wandering to entertain myself.

So, yeah, I started wandering. I was really really REALLY hoping I wouldn't run into Bitchzilla and her evil twin.

~*~

Yeah, you guessed it.

They were, of course, the first people I saw. They were standing in the courtyard, hanging all over..

Dun, dun DUN!

~*~

Any guesses?

Gimli? No! Don't be stupid!

Aragorn and Legolas, yeah. I'm so glad you think you're funny.

Somebody has to. But, hey, looks aren't everything.

Now shut up and listen.

~*~

So, there they were, hanging all over Studly Ranger Guy and the hottest Elf ever, and over there was Studly Ranger Guy's MUCH prettier fiancée, looking like she was mentally eviscerating the ditzy blonde with a toothpick.

Or maybe a spoon. Or Gimli's axe.

And there was Leilanni, the redhead, giggling semi-demurely and blinking coquettishly. Mostly she looked like she had something in her eye.

Oh! And the thrusting-out-of-the-chest, sometimes known as 'some people may have breasts here, but mine haven't come in the mail yet,' what is up with that? Why is that attractive?

Not that Goldilocks looked attracted, mind you. He didn't look much of anything, actually. Just vaguely interested, but slightly distracted, as if that'll help.

Hah! She'll still manage to sink her man-eatin' claws into you, buddy. Or..Elf-eating, really. And, y'know what's really scary? It really does look like she wants to eat him. It's really, really scary.

And meanwhile, on the other side of the clearing, Studly Ranger Guy was trying to disentangle himself from the Evil Clutches of Bitchzilla. I think he was trying for a look of polite disinterest. Mostly, it looked like polite nausea.

And Arwen..Man, she just looked pissed.

Oh! And look who she was heading at.

~*~

And the thought that went through my mind at that point was something like this..

~Please, god, let her not wanna talk to me, let her just walk right past, please god..~

"Lady Kayli?"

Oh, yeah, ok. So, god, is this payback for being an atheist all those years, or just not going to church?

"My lady?"

"Uh, hi. Yeah. That's me."

She just stood there and glared at me. There was a long, long moment of extremely uncomfortable silence. She glared, and I fidgeted. Then she glared across the courtyard, at Mitanna.

"Um, okay, so...I'm assuming the guy the vapid blonde is hanging all over is your Man?"

Not that I didn't already know the answer to that, but hey...probably not a good idea to advertise that fact.

Arwen glanced back at me, then went back to glaring at Mitanna. "Yes. Aragorn and I betrothed."

I winced. "Ouch."

She didn't answer, just glared. Apparently, Elves can't get frown lines.

"Um..just so you know, I really wouldn't object if you...maybe...disemboweled her with a knitting needle? I hear it can be done."

~*~

Hm..Maybe I should've started smaller. Maybe asked about the weather around these parts? Bringing up the potential disembowelment of rivals isn't the best conversation started, and I haven't made many friends that way.

A couple..but, hey, Dee's weird.

But, much to my relief, the Lady smiled at me.

~*~

OK, it's time to just...rant on the subject of Aragorn and Arwen. It was this great, doomed love, right? And they way Tolkien describes her in the books does no justice whatsoever. This lady is gorgeous, alright? She's beautiful. When she frowns, you want to do everything in your power to make her smile. When she smiles, you want to fall down and worship, because it lights up the whole world.

And, yeah, I like guys. Legolas is still my favorite Elven studmuffin, though Elladan and Elrohir are quickly gaining in popularity. It's beyond physical beauty and way past attraction. I wasn't attracted to Arwen, not like that. It's just..damn, she was pretty.

And I don't understand why anybody, even somebody as vacant as those two, would think that this great and powerful man, this hero, would throw over somebody as beautiful and wise as Arwen Undomiel for a slow-witted, mediocre vapid blonde drone. Even IF she's apparently served more than McDonald's.

OK, I'm done.

~*~

So, once I was done gawping like an idiot, I managed to smile back, and she turned her head back to watch her future hubby and Ditz Girl. "Yes, thank you. I shall keep that in mind."

I shrugged. "Hey, it was a suggestion."

Elladan and Elrohir suddenly appeared beside us. They, too, were glaring across the courtyard. Mitanna was not making many friends. But, hell, like I care. If Arwen wouldn't kill her, maybe one of her brothers would.

"Vile women," muttered the one to the right. "All they did on the way to their quarters was talk about themselves."

Ah, that must be Elrohir. Poor guy, having to show those two all the way down a hallway.

~*~

Hey, that may have sounded sarcastic, but it was said with the utmost sincerity. I pity anyone left alone with those two for an extended period of time.

~*~

Said twin turned to me. "My lady, you were their traveling companion for a while, yes?"

Sure, I suppose a day and a half counts as a while. "Yes, why?"

"Have you any idea what you've done to offend them?"

Gee, there's a toughy. "Uh..breathed at the wrong moment? Blocked their light? Existed in their exalted presences?"

Elrohir grimaced. "That bad?"

"Worse, gorgeous."

"Gorgeous? How come HE gets called gorgeous? Aren't I gorgeous?"

This from the twin on the left, which I was assuming to be Elladan. Since he was giving me shit, it was pretty obvious that it WAS Elladan. Elrohir struck me as slightly more serious.

I rolled my eyes at him. "Of course you're gorgeous, you two look exactly alike. Why wouldn't YOU be gorgeous?"

Arwen laughed. And again, with the gawping. Yeah. "He's just fishing for compliments. Most of the females here oblige him. Perhaps you will present more of a challenge."

I made a face. She could bet her Elven ass I'd be a challenge. "Uh, sorry, honey, but I'm not here to stroke your ego."

He grinned and wrapped an arm around my shoulders. "Perhaps you'd stroke something else, then?" And waggled his eyebrows at me.

It was so perverted, I couldn't help laughing.