Authors note: This was written to fill in gaps and so forth in the movie Alexander. It is primarily about the relationship between Alexander and Hephaistion. The reader will take both characters journeys.
His pressure on my hips was excruciating but appreciated. His mouth trickled along my collar bone, as his hands ravaged my hair. I smiled at him, but he didn't smile back. He finished what he set out to do, take advantage of a warm body on a cold night he kissed me fiercely, as his wife slept in their makeshift bed.
"I love you" Alexander cried to me, running his hands across my back. I reciprocated his kisses with small jerks of pleasure, and it was pleasurable. I kept remembering back on times before when Alexander had me in his arms then. How pure lust and taken such a strong willed soul, brushing my hair savagely, pressing me up against the wall, I accepted it, he is my King, he is my truest friend, and I his only companion.
He stopped then, and rested, seemingly defeated against my back. I sighed and turned to look at him, his liner was smudged around his eyes from sweat, his heart was beating furiously, and I turned around, and he collapsed into my chest.
"Alexander?" I asked him, brushing his blonde damp locks from his face. His eyes were tightly closed, his mouth slightly parted, he was breathing heavily.
"Have I done wrong by you Hephaistion?" he asked me softly, opening his beautiful mahogany eyes to my face.
"Never, Alexander" I answered him, also tired from the exertion, he sighed deeply.
"The truth will one day bite you, Hephaistion. Like a snake in the long rushes, it will strike"" he said with such raw enthusiasm, I couldn't help but laugh.
"I wouldn't lie to you, I have no reason too" I answered again, trying to sound more confident. I lacked such confidence, such power. He looked down on me, and I knew he did, yet my eyes did not wander and lower where they should. He was Alexander, he was my equal.
"You are the only one, Hephaistion" Alexander smiled then, his eyes were bright and intense, too intense, as he gripped my shoulder tightly.
"You have traveled too far to start doubting yourself" I assured him, "The men know you are a worthy leader"
"But" Alexander said without hesitation,
"But nothing" I quickly retorted, Alexander glared at him,
"See, like a snake in the grass it'll bite you, Hephaistion. The longer you withdraw your truths, the longer they will haunt you"
"You haunt in my heart every day, Alexander" I thought, as I watched Alexander dampen his cloth in boiling water, I exited the tent.
----
I knew he had something to say to me, always hiding his thoughts away like I would beat him senseless if he unveiled himself to me.
"Would I?" I thought coming back from the wash basin, he had disappeared, as I re-rugged myself in warmer blankets, I left the meeting tent to where my sleeping wife rolled over, her eyes were open however and they saw me, she wasn't impressed at all.
"I know you were with him" she sneered, I ignored her.
"I am entitled to be with whomever I want" I replied, "It doesn't concern you"
"Oh; it doesn't concern me at all. I am just your wife" She spat, showing me the ring which I gave her on our wedding day.
"Roxanne, please" I sighed, looking at her sad sorrowful eyes, "What do you expect of me?
" I expect the same from the tribal man I was supposed to marry. A stable home and security"
"You have that" I answered, "What more could you want?"
"We are in the middle of snowy mountains, and you say I have what I want?" she was frustrated, her tone of voice changed dramatically, I tried to calm her by stroking her arm but she batted me away. Always hitting me to get what she wanted.
"What of what I want or what I expect?" I asked her, I knew it was wrong of me, but I was growing tired and impatient.
"What is it that you expect?"
"An heir to my throne" I replied coldly, "I have waited near 2 years"
"Well" she laughed; her body shook a little with her laughter, "You won't get one with Hephaistion"
I stared at her; I couldn't believe what she just said.
"Never speak wrong of my love for Hephaistion again" I muttered, "He has done nothing to you"
She grunted and rolled over closing her large almond eyes. I sighed, knowing that it shouldn't been like that, but then again, it always was like this.
"Roxanne" I cooed softly in her, resting beside her.
"Yes?" she asked, a temper flared in her voice,
"I'm sorry I upset you, I don't know what came over me" I lied, I knew exactly what came over me; I just didn't like discussing my affairs with Hephaistion as much as she did.
"Sure you are" she answered disbelieving, as I started to kiss her neck playfully.
"I don't want sex tonight" she cried, but I ignored her. It was cold and I was feeling rejected by everyone around me. Even Hephaistion. As I tore her clothes again from her, she screamed and flailed for a moment, before allowing me to kiss her. As I did, she warmed up to me, and I rested my hands on the warm soft skin of her breast. A woman's breast, the soft and sensual feeling of home.
-.-.-.-.-.-
I could hear them making love. Making love. It was a petty thought, but it consumed me. I knew Alexander wouldn't survive with just one of us, but jealously lies in the heart of every lover and I was indeed its slave. I tried to sleep, rest my plaguing thoughts, but my ears lead me to their bedroom, to their bodies entwining into each other, his powerful pressure against her and not me. I was envious, envious and feeling nauseous. What happened to that love for me Alexander, my king? I thought despairingly as I hid my shamed face under a blanket, covering my emotions. Covering my deepest urge.
The morning came, and he walked out of his tent, her draped on his arm. He looked at me, for a fleeting moment, before proceeding past. I knew he was planning something, something a woman's vile tongue could only encourage a man to do, and yet, when he told her to stay, she stayed. I approached her with caution.
"I know" she spoke first, her eyes avoiding mine, "He went with you, so what?" she sneered, Alexander disappeared into the distance, I watched him.
"He was with you, too" I replied coolly, "He will never choose just one"
"I know this" she glanced at me then, her cold eyes setting on my nose,
"Then why be upset about it?" I asked her, she raised her eyebrows at me.
"I am not the one who's upset. I saw you watching us last night" she smiled, "I know you heard us"
"How could I not? Your screaming was deafening to all that surrounded your tent"
She was quiet for a moment, "Sometimes, I wish I could choose when I make love to my husband" she was quiet, and her eyes started to wander around,
"I'm sorry he mistreats you" I answered her, she shook her head, "I know he means well. He is after all Alexander"
" Yes, and that's the reason why I stay" she confessed to me, her cold glare easing a little, " If he was anyone else, I would've killed myself long ago"
She had been threatening to take her life for many years, but never went through with it. I listened and nodded as I always did when she made this claims of torment and torture, was Alexander himself turning into a barbarian? Was he becoming what he once despised? I shuddered, such horrid thoughts, not of Alexander, I thought. Alexander isn't like that. He's merely a boy, but I was fooling myself.
"I love you" Alexander breathed deeply, as his hands caressed my shoulders lovingly again. I had succumbed, faltered if you will, to his sheer beauty and power. He kissed me, and it was magnetic, it was vibrant and life pulsing through our veins, deep lust in each others eyes. He needed my back with his knuckles, and I drew in deep shallow breaths. It was a force and a power unbeknown to me before. He was strong and forceful, and I like clay being moulded into shape.
He turned me around with both of his hands, and I was finally looking at the beauty surrounding us. We were in an Indian temple, one of the many that we had conquered through our journeys. He was dirty, his hair frightfully long and garish, but the intensity in his eyes never changed. He kissed my neck, and I allowed him to feel me. He took complete control over my whole body, like I would never regain my freedom or conscious again, and then he stopped. I looked at him, and his eyes were welling with tears.
"Alexander?" I asked tenderly, but he wouldn't stop crying.
"Alexander, please what is wrong?" he was weeping against me now, as he became limp against me.
" I'm … I'm" was all he muttered, he was drunk and filled to the brim with ecstasy that he had become like jelly. Weakened by his own power, his own lust. I held him close to me for a long time, he never explained to me why he was crying, and I never asked. How could I ask a King to explain his actions, how could I as his lover cause more pain?
So I stood there, my sweaty hands making his long tangled locks a more frightful mess, as he cried openly in front of me. Like nothing I had ever witnessed before nor ever wanted to again.
-.-.-.-.-.-
Hephaistion comforted me that is for certain. He held me like a mother would a newborn, gentle and caring. His hands cupped my face and he sang softly to me. Gently whispering in my ear. All the things I longed for in a companion.
He let me lay with him that night. Unlike Roxanne who feared my touch, he embraced it. He allowed me to play with his hair, to nibble his ear, to rest my head against his chest. My soul mate the only one I could confide in about my feelings towards my fathers' death.
"What is it about me that makes me a King?" I asked him, he took a deep breath,
"What makes you stand out from the rest is courage to redefine our boundaries" he responded, I listening to the echo of his voice inside his chest, closed my eyes and smiled.
"I love hearing your praises of me, Hephaistion" I put my hand to his shoulder, and sighed, "Why must this journey be such a task for everyone but you and I? Are we the only that share this vision of nations and cultures unifying universally?"
"That is where you are wise beyond your years, Alexander" Hephaistion whispered softly, " People don't see how far we have come"
" They only see the distance we have to travel" Alexander muttered, " Its to the ends of the world we travel, Hephaistion. To the borders of our world"
" I know, Alexander. I know this is your dream"
" A dream we all together shall make reality"
"Yes, my King. If that is what you wish"
"My one and only" I added, and turned over, knowing that Hephaistion was thinking deeply, much too deeply, but he kissed my back and turned over himself. Then we remained the rest of the night apart.
-----
Were the rumors true that Alexander was crazed? I couldn't bring myself to think that way. As each treacherous day through desert and snow, mud and sand came to pass, I wondered how long we were going to survive trekking these many miles on foot.
He was looking worse every day. He was tired, and his shoulders slumped. Too much alcohol, it was ruining him. There were so many impurities in the water that it wasn't safe to drink. He looked at me, his eyes were still deep mahogany, but shades of red infiltrated the whites of them. To me, he still looked like Alexander, to everyone else he looked haggard and warn and about to fall into a million pieces.
"What do my eyes tell you now, Hephaistion? I have struggled so long to read yours" he slurred, resting his head against the chair, in deep thought.
"You are tired, my King. You need rest" I told him, but he just started laughing. The yellow of teeth was sparkling under the harsh lamp lights, he smiled a cocky smile, and content with what I said he nodded. I still watched him however.
" No I'm not" he said groggily, waving his hands about madly, before resting them under his chin.
" Here, let me take that from you' I offered, stretching my hand to his goblet, but he snatched it away from me as I went to grab it.
"No, Hephaistion. Let me drink my sorrows" his eyes were cold and glassy, as I sat back and watch him scull another glass.
"Ah a King that drinks like a champion!" the men roared, and Alexander laughed along with them. They didn't see what I saw; they were seeing hopefully the demise of Alexander the great, as our time in India would surely show.
-----
I could barely see two feet in front me. I staggered up the stairs to my chambers, the final resting place before we would cross into the wild jungles of India to my sleeping wife, who I knew wasn't sleeping but her eyes were closed anyway.
"Alexander" she said as I stripped down to nothing and climbed into bed.
"Roxanne" I replied, and turned towards her, as she in turn turned towards me.
"Why do you love him more than me?" She asked me, her eyes trying to find my soul in my blindness.
"I don't" I mumbled incoherently, and she gave me a puzzled look.
"Perhaps you should not drink tomorrow night" she told me gruffly, "You are making yourself sick, your eyes are losing their … spark" she said, almost tearfully, stroking the side of my face, I closed my eyes.
"There's nothing else to drink… shall I die of thirst to save my face?" I asked, it was a stupid drunk's question, but she seemed to ponder it all the same.
"I don't know what become of the Alexander I married" she hissed at me, "So defiant, so brave. Such a master of his army,"
"I am still all those things" I told her, not really believing them myself. She sighed, battered her eyes at me disbelievingly and returned back to sleep.
I watched her for a few moments, I wouldn't ravage her tonight. She deserved to have one night without my pressures, as I lay on my back, closed my eyes and drifted into my dreams.
------
Alexander was stained red. Not just his hands, but his mouth dribbled the colour down the side of his face. We all watched in horror, as he looked, teary-eyed at his dying childhood friend, his horse. He saw me, stained in the same colour, and I smiled weakly at him. His eyes did not meet mine however. He glazed over me, he must've been in agony, but he kept tight lipped.
The skewer protruded out of his chest, it dripped his precious existence away, as I clambered to my feet, I looked to the horse, who's large brown eyes were deadening, as the remaining men tried their best to sooth the beast. I didn't want to cry, I was so tired of crying but I saw Alexander, being carried away on a giant shield and I openly wept.
The men all watched me, they were also hurting. They weren't feeling this, however. They wouldn't know what it was to love a king.
The skewer was pulled from him, and I heard his screams of agony. I ran to the tent, but they wouldn't allow me in to see him, not until he had rested. I waited anxiously; I twitched and shook, as I remembered the corners of his lips, the same crimson colour of the wound in his chest.
Would he live, would he die? Would I walk the rest of my life's journey without him? We'd promise to die together, and that is how it would be. If he was to die tonight than I would do the same, I would die alongside him.
"He is fine" one of the barbarian healers said to me in passing, "He just needs rest"
"No alcohol" I said, but he shook his head, "The man needs it to numb the pain"
I groaned, "You are only making him weaker"
He smiled at me then, as if knowingly that was plan all along.
"I demand to see him" I said angrily, "You can't keep him from me"
" I can, and I will" the healer said, forcefully removing me, I kicked and scream but it was to not avail.
"Tell Alexander when he wakes I want to see him!" I yelled at the healer, and he shrugged.
"If he wakes, I'll be sure too"
I started crying aloud for him to come back but he retreated back into Alexander's tent, All I could do then was wait.
------
My head was spinning. I had been drinking too much. My breath was nauseating to everyone who came close to me. The wound in my chest however, had minimal pain. It almost tore my body apart being taken out, but I would recover steadily, and in the days to come would gain enough to strength to rise from my bed.
Roxanne waited outside for three days. Leaving occasionally to get something to eat or to get fresh air, she was by my side. I didn't want her though, not then. Not so close to losing Hephaistion, I was scared that I was doing more harm then good. I closed my eyes and had vivid flash backs of the elephants, the men, the absolute adrenalin that coursed through my body. A stabbing pain hit me and I jolted awake suddenly, the healers were draining my wounds with small pieces of boiled wire, I closed my eyes but it stung. My eyes bled their tears, and I was left feeling humiliated and alone.
I got to my feet, a few days after being stabbed. The pain crippled me to my hands and knees. I wanted Hephaistion, but the healers said it was best if I leave him alone. They told me he didn't want to see me. Were they kidding? I thought, as if Hephaistion would never want to see me, but they insisted. I remained captive in my tent of pricking wires, bleeding sores, and terrible blinding headaches.
-------
He awoke but he didn't see me. He was bandaged tightly around his leg and torso. His eyes had deep circles under them, almost black to look at. He was exhausted, so much exertion had been taken out of him, his will to live was strong, as I always knew it was.
He came towards the rowdy crowd, many still angry of serving their seven years and still in Persia, many confused by Alexander's actions.
Then he spoke, "We're going home"
There was disbelief at first, but everyone knew that he wouldn't lie this time. He was defeated, you could tell in the way he was breathing. Roxanne smiled a little, but watched with care at how I reacted. I smiled weakly, and he smiled at me.
"Come" he said when the crowd had disappeared.
I obeyed how I could refuse him. Even if I wanted too I was still obliged to follow him.
"The healers say you're avoiding me" Alexander questioned immediately, I just sighed.
"No, Alexander. They wouldn't allow me to visit" I insisted, but Alexander just rested his unsteady eyes on the ground.
"This was a mistake wasn't it, Hephaistion? To think I could conquer Persia, alone … he was right; I knew he was right I just didn't want to admit it"
I knew who Alexander was talking about but I didn't take it any further.
"No-one knows their weakness til their strengths are tested. You showed your strength, and you've displayed your weaknesses. It isn't time to conquer the world, Alexander"
"I want it so much" he said, his eyes were distant.
"I know, but I want you. I almost lost you and I can't bear those thoughts again" I was finding it hard to contain myself as he sighed and tilted his head slightly He stroked the side of my face lovingly, as if knowing that I had been missing those hands for so long.
His lips lingered on my cheek for some time, before he kissed me. It was a deep and passionate kiss, he forced me backwards, and I allowed him to push me on the bed. We played with each other, each breath must've been painful, but he never showed that to me. He let me smother him in kisses. Beautiful, that afternoon as the sun went down; his eyes were on me and me alone.
"No more suffering" he breathed heavily through his thrusts, "No more hiding. We go to Babylon tomorrow… we go home"
I smiled and took in his scent again, took in all of thrusts and jerks, covered his mouth with a weak and clammy hand as he rocked me gently against him.
I never wanted anything else than this. Now I knew I needn't fear that he was crazed, that he wasn't himself. In making love you know these truths, and it's with his kisses I saw the real Alexander. To me, that was the great part about him.
-.-.-.-.-.-.-
I had a dream of my mother the night I slept again with Hephaistion. Her cold eyes were watching me intently, as I stood over my dead fathers' body. She knew I knew she had something to do with it. When I woke in the morning I thought of all the things that I wanted to say to her. I knew I never would see her again, I had become distrusting of women, since I couldn't trust my own mother, though I longed to do so.
I told him so much, through our nights together that I swear the words were running dry. What more could I tell him that he didn't know? It seemed as though the longer I stayed in Persia, in India, the further I got from the belly of beast, the ruling of my Alexandria's instead of just conquering them.
I saw the hatred too easily in others eyes. I knew how much they wanted me to get rid of Hephaistion, saying he was making me weak, but he was the only one I willed to live for. Now that I was breathing again, my ambition for the end of the world grew quickly.
We arrived back in Babylon, after crossing desserts, and gullies, facing pouring rain and droughts. I came through the doors, not fully believing that I was home. Hephaistion rode with me the whole way. He never once left my side, Roxanne also rode but she slept most of the journey, refusing to speak to me until I came to my senses. I was well aware of what I was doing, I would take Hephaistion as my own on arriving, and that he, like her would be bound to me forever. This was the reason for unity, I thought cockily, and realized I was straddling a thin line of decency. What was decency anymore? I was sick of questioning myself.
That night we would celebrate for the last time. We would all be together as one, it was the events that would follow that would take me from my world, and place in my darkest hours. Until then, however I was sublimely happy, and ignored completely my mothers' voice in my head, telling me I was fool to love a barbarian and a man.
-----
I drank far too much that evening. More than I had ever done so before. The glasses kept filling, and my mouth kept taking gulps of it. The wine spilled out in gallons, as all over everyone was celebrating. Alexander was smiling and toasting his newly planned trip to Arabia, and everyone was still coming to terms with the end of the perilous trip through Persia. Many didn't believe Alexander when he said Arabia, but then again, no-one I ever felt, ever took Alexander seriously.
I took a sip of my eleventh glass of wine and began to feel a bit sick. Alexander, was smiling and laughing and he was stroking my thigh, I tried to concentrate on that sensation, but I couldn't stop my eyes from blurring, and my hands from shaking.
I waved Alexander off me, and told him I was ready for bed. Alexander nodded and said, "I had had too much" before allowing me to go to bed. I kissed his cheek, and he grabbed me to kiss my mouth. I savored the sweet taste.
I bid him farewell and came to my chambers. An instant wave of sickness overcame me, and I fell hard on the ground. The servants saw me and aided me to bed, all the while I was dry reaching and screaming out for help. They ushered me to bed, and told me I was just drunk and needn't sleep.
I was crying out for Alexander, but they wouldn't bring him to me. So I, lay white and turning frightfully cold, trying to piece where exactly my drink had been stirred with putrid water… my breathing increased, and as I convulsed I was begging for Alexander to be here, praying he would come and take my pain. But I would wait too long.
-------
I remembered waking from my drunken happy state somberly. I patted my bed and realized I had gone alone last night. Something felt peculiar to me instantly. Where was Hephaistion? Surely he had accompanied me to bed, but no. I wasn't feeling at all fatigued from sexual exertion, my clothes were in tact, and there was no sign that someone had been sleeping beside me.
Frustrated I got up, and walked towards the entrance to the hall. There were people lazing around, mumbling and muttering, throwing up, coughing, still laughing and still carrying on. I perused the crowd, but Hephaistion wasn't among them. Growing concerned I went back upstairs. There were a lot of people cluttered around one room.
"What is going on?" I asked, and they all looked at me.
"Hephaistion drank too much" I heard someone mumble. Believing I would see my beautiful Hephaistion drunk and awkward, I pushed my way through, a smile broadening.
What lay before me was anything but amusing. My lover, my friend, my companion was dying in front of my eyes. I struggled to breathe, as I came closer to him.
"Hephaistion" I whispered hoarsely, he looked at me through blurred vision.
"What happened here?! What is this?" I yelled at the doctor, he said he didn't know, but I didn't listen. I ordered an immediate execution. So many people Alexander, you just kill for pleasure I remember my mothers final letter to me, but I tried to shake the thoughts. My hands overlapped Hephaistions as he choked, and convulsed. Sweat poured down his face, as he tried to smile at me.
"I knew you'd come" he said, sighing.
"What you were planning on dying without me?" I asked him, not sure if I meant it as a joke or if I was being serious.
"I fear I might" he spluttered, as I held him close for a few moments. Ignoring his slowing heart rate I got to my feet and looked out the window. I told him of our grand adventures, of us growing old with our wives and children.
And as I turned, oh how cruel fate mocked me. His body was still, and cold to touch. I crouched over him, trying to bring him back to life.
"Hephaistion" I kept saying his name as if saying it would be enough.
"Hephaistion" I cried into him, I buried my face into his clothes, I kissed his forehead, I tried in vain and yet nothing happened. Nothing I did was bringing him back.
It was then the halls would fill with my screams and I in turn knew what I had to do. I had to follow him to Hades, I had to join him in his death. We promised each other till the end of the world, and I would follow through with my bargain, I no longer wanted this ill-begotten life, if I didn't have him beside me.
"Till the end" I told him, and gave him one final kiss.