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Yusuke and the Beanstalk

Once upon a time there was a boy named Yusuke, and he was useless.

Yep, he didn't go to school, never got a job, and always made fun of his friends' school uniforms.

One day his mother sent him to the market to sell their cow, Kuwabara, for money in order to buy food.

"Moo," Kuwabara munched on his grass.

"Mom, why do I have to sell him?" Yusuke threw his arm around Kuwabara. "He's an idiot, but he's the most loyal piece of walking steak we have."

"If you like him so much," his mom snapped, "we'll have to go a week without food."

Silence.

"Okay, buddy! Let's take you to the market," Yusuke cheerfully dragged the protesting cow off.

At the market, Yusuke looked around. What kind of person wanted to buy a cow anyway?

"I'll give you five sausages," offered the butcher.

Perfect.

"MOO!" Kuwabara backed up from the cow-killer in horror.

"I dunno," Yusuke said doubtfully. "I think I should get more for a cow as fat as Kuwabara."

"Moo!" Kuwabara glared indignantly at Yusuke.

"I'll give you three magic beans," offered a girl.

"Excuse me?"

"I'm Botan, and I'll give you three magic beans for that cow."

Riiiight.

Yusuke turned to the butcher. "It looks like you have yourself—Hey, where'd he go?"

He faced Botan. "Did you make him disappear?"

Botan, who had seen the butcher walk off to purchase another much fatter cow, sweatdropped.

"Uh, sure. Bingo." She held up her beans. "You gonna buy these or not?"

That was how Yusuke came to be in possession of the magic beans.

He honestly thought they rocked.

So cool, he thought. I mean, magic beans? Wait, does that mean magic f—

"YUSUKE!" His mother was less then thrilled. "I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU TRADED OUR FATTEST COW FOR SOME STUPID BEANS!" Throwing them out the window, Yusuke's mom proceeded to lecture him on what was smart, and what was not.

Like what he did.

Going to bed, Yusuke did what he always did when he was caught doing something dumb.

He pouted.

"Stupid Botan. Stupid beans. Stupid magic..."

The next day...

"Yusuke! Yusuke! Wake up already you lazy freak!" Aroused by his mother's calls, Yusuke quickly ran to the front yard.

And there was the biggest beanstalk he had ever seen.

"Climb it," his mother ordered.

"And break my neck?" he snapped.

In the end, it was either climb the thing, or look into not eating for the next year.

So he climbed.

And climbed.

And climbed.

(You see where this is going, don't you?)

When he reached the top, he saw a castle in the clouds.

"Isn't this impossible?" Yusuke wondered. "I thought clouds were just made of water vapor."

And I thought he didn't listen in school.

Going up to the castle—which, by the way, was huge—he slipped under the door.

"Wow."

Going through all the rooms, and sampling some of the kitchen goodies, Yusuke came to the living room.

There, up on the highest shelf—"Just my luck."—was a goose. And it was laying golden eggs. Beside the goose was a beautiful singing harp, and there was a large bag of copper.

"Copper," Yusuke snorted. "I could do so much better."

But deciding it was worth his effort, he climbed up and grabbed the copper.

He was just about to grab the harp when it started up, and glared at him.

"Don't touch me," she snapped. "Or I'll call for the giant. See if I don't now."

"What's going on?" the goose honked. It looked up at Yusuke. "Hey, it's a human! Keiko, do you think he'll rescue us?"

Keiko glared at Yusuke. "I'm quite happy where I am, thank you very much."

The goose turned back to Yusuke. "I'm Genkai, and that's Keiko."

"It's nice to meet—"

"Hurry up, dimwit!" The goose bellowed. "The giant will be back at any time, so hurry it up!"

Grabbing the two, Yusuke climbed back down from the shelf.

BOOM!!!

With a thunderous sound, the front door crashed open so hard it nearly tore from it's hinges.

There was the giant.

Yusuke hid under a very tacky plaid sofa.

The giant sniffed.

"Does he have allergies?" Yusuke whispered.

"Nah, he's just gonna sniff you out and kill you," Keiko said cheerfully.

"Fee, fi, fo, fum, I smell the blood of an Englishman. Be he alive, or be he dead, I'll grind his bones to make my bread."

"What an idiot," Yusuke snorted. "I'm Japanese. And that first part didn't even rhyme. And I checked out his kitchen, he already has enough bread."

"But he will kill you!" Keiko gleefully said. "I told you so!"

The giant stood in the doorway. "Come out, human! I shall kill you!" He paused. "AND PUT YOU IN MY BREAD!"

"Hiei!" Keiko called. "Come kill the human!"

[AN: I honestly don't do this, but seriously. Hiei. A giant. If you don't see the irony in that, I'll cry.]

As Hiei started for them, Yusuke ducked under the giant's legs, and scrambled down the beanstalk.

Now, I don't know whether or not you know this, but scrambling down a beanstalk with your arms full of copper, harp, and goose is pretty darn hard.

Finally reaching the bottom, Yusuke shoved the stuff at his mother. "Yusuke, what's going on?"

Not bothering to answer, Yusuke went into the house and got an ax.

Just as he started to chop down the beanstalk, he realized the giant wasn't actually chasing them.

Looking up, he saw Hiei peering down over the clouds.

Then the giant pulled out a loaded bow, and fired a flaming arrow at Yusuke's house, which burnt to the ground.

Sure, Yusuke and his mom got away safely, but she locked him in a school classroom with nothing but textbooks for a week.

The moral of this story is, don't steal copper, a harp, or a goose from a huge guy with a bow loaded with a flaming arrow.

Hiei chuckled. "Stupid humans."

The End

Yeah! This is fun!