Who killed Lord Vetinari?

Chapter 3: of girly gossip and Professor Mcgonagall

This chapter is dedicated to all those people who let curiosity get the better of them. And clicked on my story.

Disclaimer: let's see. I am not named J.K. Rowling, I am not a man or named Terry, I am not I am not named Patricia, and I do not have a name that absolutely nobody can pronounce. What does that tell you? What heareth I? Audience: (shouts) You own nothing! Wow, we are fast on the uptake, aren't we? (throws Gobstoppers to audience)

A/N: okay, lessee... All my nice reviewers should all get lots of junk food because they are so nice and they reviewed. And because if they have lots of sugar, they'll probably enjoy this more.

intriKate: thank you, thank you, thank you, (takes a bow), I can lend you some superglue to glue your head back on.  (hands intriKate a piece of cake and a cookie, and some gobstoppers because there are extras)

Esmee Squalor: Wow you actually read this? I feel so special. And yes there are definitely other crazies, and I am on top of the list. Mwahahahahahaha! (hands Esmee a pice of cake and a cookie and some Gobstoppers because I'm not out yet!)

stmaryspeakstofaeries: THANK YOU FOR YOUR REVIEW. IT WAS SO BEAUTIFUL. I THINK I'LL TURN MY CAPS LOCK OFF. MY HAnd is getting tired.( hands stmaryspeakstofaeries a peice of cake. And a cookie. And...) Oh! I know! HALF A SLICE OF CHERRY PIE! (Sorry, whoever wrote that,) (hands pie to stmaryspeakstofaeries because I am all out of gobstoppers.)

DarkMaidenEast: WoW! Those were the longest reviews I've ever gotten. You love my story? I feel so special. And Death rocks. I agree. You want the oh god? I'll give you the oh god. But not in this chapter. Because I wrote it all out before I read your review. ( hands DarkMaidenEast a piece of cake. And a cookie. And some... rummages around in cabinet.) Ah! Here they are! Jolly Ranchers! (Jolly Ranchers) Because you can always use more sugar!

A/N: Now that all my reviewers have been properly rewarded, I shall start the story.

And remember: your left sock is not as innocent as it seems.

THIS TAKES PLACE IN KING KAZUL'S OFFICE

Hermione raised her hand. She didn't wait to be called on. Shame on her! " shouldn't we be slightly dead?" she asked.

King Kazul sighed. "ah. I thought that may come up. Let's see... oh yes. Excuses." She opened a notepad. "Death you are immortal, are you not?"

YES, said Death gravely.

"HA," roared King Kazul so loud that they all jumped. Out the window. Because they'd rather be dead then spend one minute in King Kazul's presence, or worse, King Kazul's fanfic. But if internal combustion didn't kill them what would? And they were only on the first floor...

It didn't work. They were caught. In a net. And hauled back in. Shame on them!

"Now." Said King Kazul as soon as the window was closed and locked. "where was I? Oh yes. HA! One excuse down," she looked up, attempted to count and geve up. "Er...several to go. Now. Harry. You are invincible are you not?"

NO, said Harry.

"Er...Harry?" said Hermione.

WHAT, said Harry.

"You're talking like Death. Again." said Hermione.

"Again?" asked Malfoy. "Is there something somebody isn't telling me?"

Harry snorted. "Why would anyone tell you anything?"

Malfoy looked perplexed for a moment. Then he brightened up. "Because my father could have you tortured or subjected to Cher if you didn't." he said.

"Good point." Said Susan.

"Susan, you're supposed to be on Harry's side." King Kazul admonished absently, "Susan? Where'd you come from?

"Up there." said Susan, pointing up. Everyone looked up. "HA! MADE YOU LOOK!" Susan said.

"Young lady, you are going to tell me where you came from, RIGHT NOW!" King Kazul shouted looking remarkably like her mom. In other words, very scary...

"You know there's this new invention, it's called...the DOOR!" Susan said sarcastically.

" Are we ever going to get back to the excuses?" asked Cimorene, ever the practical one,

"'cause this is going absolutely nowhere!"

"Right, the excuses." Said King Kazul sounding relieved. "now where were we. Voldemort, you're not human are you?"

"well..." Voldemort said looking embarrassed. "Not all the way human, no."

"Ha!" said King Kazul for the third time this chapter. "So you cannot die. I rest my case."

" but King Kazul," said Hermione and SHE DIDN'T EVEN RAISE HER HAND! SHAME ON HER! "shouldn't the rest of us be dead?"

"Miss Granger,' said King Kazul now sounding extraordinarily like Professor Mcgonagall (She's certainly good at sounding like other people, isn't she? That's because she's –No! O will not write that here! That is a whole nother story, one that will never be published on this website, and certainly never on a Thursday! Shame on it!) "are you the writer of this fanfic?"

"well, no, but I'll certainly take over for you, if you like." Said Hermione.

"HA!" said King Kazul for the fourth time. (really, fourth. Don't believe me? then count. HA! Proved you wrong.) "you think writing fanfic is easy? Well, I've got news for you." She whispered in Hermione's ear. Hermione laughed.

"really?" she said.

"What did she say?" asked Harry.

"er...nothing," said Hermione quickly. "just some girly gossip.", she said, "anyways can I please write this story? Or at least co-write it?"

"co-write it? with who?" King Kazul asked, letting curiosity get the better of her.

"Harry, of course." Said Hermione kissing him on the cheek. "my one true love."

"You're getting weird, Hermione." Said King Kazul. "I thought you were my friend. If you promise to stop I'll let you contribute ideas."

"Yes!" said Hermione. "I have an idea."

"That was fast." Said King Kazul.

"Let's torture Voldemort." Said Hermione.

"Okay!" said King Kazul. She had never liked Voldemort, much.

"Let's make him sing!" said Hermione.

"Okay." Said King Kazul. "what shall he sing?" Hermione whispered something in her ear. "I always liked that song." Said King Kazul. "he'll ruin it for me. Well, okay, but it has to be a surprise." She turned to Voldemort. (whisper, whisper, whisper, whisper, whisper,) she told him. "start at the (whisper, whisper) part.

"Tap on my window, knock on my door," Voldemort began.

A secret was revealed to the world.

Voldemort had a terrible singing voice.

"I want to make you feel beautiful,

I know I tend to get so insecure," Voldemort continued. He was enjoying this now.Everyone ran for cover behind King Kazul's desk.

"it doesn't matter anymore," Voldemort sang.

"ENOUGH!" shouted King Kazul who had been forced out from behind her desk by an angry horde, seeking shelter.

Voldemort stopped. He didn't mind. He had just found a new way to torture people.

"Bad idea," said King Kazul. "Hermione, you're fired. Now we're going to–"

"Hey!" said Artemis. "I just realized something."

"What, Master Fowl?" Asked King Kazul patiently. ('Cause that's what most people call him. What is he now, like 15?)

"This chapter is, like, completely Harry Potter based." Said Master Fowl. "It's under 'Discworld' you know. And I am Artemis Fowl. I am much smarter than anyone from 'Harry Potter'. Espiacially ole' Moldy Pants here."

" Hey!" said Voldemort. "that's Voldemort to you! Lord Voldemort! Are you makin' fun o' my name?"

"No." said Master Fowl, looking confused. "I was referring to your pants." He pointed to the dark green splotch on old Moldy Voldie's pants. (He's supposed to be wearing pants. But for our purposes, let's pretend he's wearing pants.)

" I, artemis Fowl, the–what was it again?" Artemis began. Juliet hurriedly muttered something. "ah, yes the third, challenge you, Lord Moldypants to a spelling bee!"

"I accept!" said Moldypants not considering the consequences of his actions. Shame on him!

"Great." Said King Kazul. "That's what I like–some action!"

Plans were made. And a prophecy. And possibly some other things too.

When the plans were all done everyone said "Yay!" except for Malfoy who didn't like spelling bees, and Neville who was in the bathroom.

He was washing his hands.

They were dirty.

Shame on them!

A/N Who will win the spelling bee? Who will survive? Will Neville ever get his hands clean? And will Cimorene, Shiara, and Telemain ever have a real part? Find out in chapter (counts) four, Of Hairbrushes and Spelling Bees, coming soon to bookstores near you. Okay, well maybe websites, and maybe not so near. But yeah.