As we all know… I own jack shit… although I'm sure there are those who will contest me on that. Kenshin belongs to that Nobuhiro What's-his-name… and the song, which is called "One Thing", belongs to Finger Eleven. I'm trying to remember the words from all the times I've heard it, so I'm not even entirely sure I'm getting them right. sigh I don't even like songfics… but I've read a few good ones lately, so I felt compelled… and I haven't written anything in a while… anyway… there is a story to get on with isn't there?
Song lyrics are rather jumbled up at points… but are in italics and parentheses. The thoughts of various characters are simply in italics. Best of luck… and for the love all that is bright and blessed… give me the flames I deserve for this fiasco.
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(Restless tonight
Cause I wasted the light
Between both these times
I drew a really thin line)
Kenshin wandered out to the steps, (Restless tonight…) and gazed up at the darkness of the sky. It was a moonless night, and the weak light of the stars seemed poignant and wistful. (Cause I wasted the light…) As was happening more and more often lately, the rurouni found himself unable to sleep. He sat down, staring at the stars, but it wasn't long before his face fell and was buried in his hands. He could not cry; it was simply not something either of his extreme personalities was capable of. (Between both these times… I drew a really thin line…)
(It's nothing I planned
Not that I can
But you should be mine
Across that line)
Lonely despair hung about him like a heavy silent cloak. His confusion swirled within him as his thoughts raced from one face to another. I have no reason for this… he thought to himself. There is no danger to her now. Nothing for me to worry about. Why is she still haunting my dreams, even as she sleeps so peacefully? He heaved a quiet sigh, trying to regain control of his thumping heart. (It's nothing I planned…) And when she didn't sleep peacefully, it was even worse. Only moments earlier Kenshin had been leaning his forehead against Kaoru-dono's door, barely daring to breathe, listening to her nightmare. (Not that I can…)
"Ken… shin…" she whispered in her sleep, as if her throat was closing around his name even as she spoke it. What horror was she reliving? He wondered to himself. (But you should be mine…) His guilty mind was only too happy to fling in his face all the times she had broken his name as he broke her heart. She had uttered his name in that way more than once, whether out of fear for him or some innocent. But he knew what nightmare she was having. He recognized the disbelief, despair, and desperation in her whisper, and he knew, though he hadn't looked in, that tears were leaving their salt tracks on her cheeks, and dampening her hair. He hadn't gone in to comfort her, his own guilt, and terror, had barred him from entering. (Across that line…)
(If I traded it all
If I gave it all away for one thing
Just for one thing
If I sorted it out
If I knew all about this one thing
Wouldn't that be something?)
You could make her happy… The thought whispered through his mind. (If I traded it all… If I gave it all away for one thing…) But that was too daunting. He knew what that would take. It would mean letting go. Letting go of too much. (Just for one thing…) It would mean letting go of his entire past, both as battousai and rurouni. Letting go of his delusions of penance. Could he do that? Could he do it for her? He didn't deserve it, and she didn't deserve to be tainted with him. (If I sorted it out… If I knew all about this one thing…) He couldn't just turn around and let himself be happy. He couldn't let go of his identity. (Wouldn't that be something?)
(I promise I might
Not walk on by
Maybe next time
But not this time)
"Kenshin?" Her voice behind him was startling. It was full of fear, but also relief. She thought I'd left… when she woke and found that I wasn't in my room. Does she listen at my door, as I listen at hers?
"What's wrong?" He asked, lifting his head and turning to look at her. (I promise I might…) Her eyes seemed incredibly dark in the dim light of the yard as she looked at him. But she came to sit next to him, seemingly unsure of what to say. They sat in silence for several moments, Kaoru frowning into her hands, and Kenshin gazing at her face. He was tempted to just leave it at that. After all, he had asked, didn't that fulfill any obligation he might have had? But she was still troubled, still upset, just unwilling to burden him. Unwilling to risk sharing her fears; afraid of driving him away again.
"Kaoru-dono…" His voice was soft, and as gentle as he always was with her. He couldn't let her suffer like this, not when he was right here to ease it at least a bit. (Not walk on by…) "What's the matter?" Here, in this moment, perhaps… (Maybe next time…) perhaps… he could do the right thing by her. (But not this time…)
(Even though I know
I don't wanna know
Yeah I guess I know
I just hate how it sounds)
She blinked in vague surprise, looking at him, searching his face. What was she looking for?
"Just a bad dream…" she said quietly. "It was nothing." (Even though I know…)
"Nothing?" He chided her gently. "Nothing sends you out into the night with tears on your face, searching for your rurouni?" He took one of her hands in his two, gently holding, caressing it. (I don't wanna know…)
She smiled a bit at that, though he could still see the pain in it. "The rurouni was my nightmare…" Her voice trailed off. And she looked away from him, staring intently at his hands, holding her own. (Yeah I guess I know…)
Kenshin could only nod at what he'd already guessed. Kaoru's fear that he would take up wandering again was easy to see, and understand. She went through her days trying not to think about it. But at night, the fear that Kenshin would leave her struck full force. (I just hate how it sounds…)
(If I traded it all
If I gave it all away for one thing
Just for one thing
If I sorted it out
If I knew all about this one thing
Wouldn't that be something?)
"Kenshin…" she whispered. (If I traded it all…) "Sometimes… sometimes I just wish you'd go, and get it over with. So that I could stop constantly worrying. But then I wake up, and you're gone, and I realize how much I need you here. How afraid I am of losing you, and I know that I couldn't handle it if you left." (If I gave it all away for one thing…)
Kenshin didn't know what to say to that. So he said nothing, just kept holding her hand. (Just for one thing…) He gently traced little patterns on that hand with his fingers. Caressing her slender fingers with his own, twining and untwining them with each other, rubbing little circles on her palm. (If I sorted it out… If I knew all about this one thing…)
"Do you want to leave, Kenshin? Do you want to leave… me?" Her voice was so hushed, so quiet he could barely hear her question. Silently he shook his head, and then realized that she was staring at their hands as intently as he was. His whispered reply hung in the air between them.
"No." (Wouldn't that be something?)