DISCLAIMER: unfortunately I own nothing of LOTR (although I'd like to own Orlando and a few other Hollywood hotties) and I don't own Ford either. So sad I have nothing but my obsessions and strange ways and a teddy named Señor squeakums sniffle

I'm standing at the starting line wondering what the hell I was thinking when I proposed the idea to these people. Was I drunk or high? No, no unfortunately for me I was neither. It must have been my like of competition between the elite or maybe my sick and twisted mind that made me come up with this whole race idea. Yes, a cross country race amongst the peoples of Middle Earth.

The race was to begin in New York and end in Los Angeles with the teams as follows: The hobbits in one car, Legolas and Gimli in another, Aragorn and Elrond, and Arwen and Galadriel. To make this race fair they would all be driving 2005 Ford Explores. "Miss. Announcer," Says a high pitched manly voice.

"Yes, Sam."

"Do we get to pick what color SUV we want?"

"No Sam, for the 300reth time you do not!"

"But Mr. Frodo and I want the blue one because it matches his eyes and my purse!"

"For the final time NO!"

"But Merry and Pippin want the blue one to and besides the blue one sparkles when the sun hits it!"

"Fine you can have the blasted blue one!"

"YAY!"

Then he skipped, yes I kid you not skipped to the blue one and all the hobbits let out a rather excited and girly scream as they piled into the blue Ford. I defiantly had my work cut out for me. Thankfully that was the one and only color complaint I had.

"When are we going to get this damn thing on the road?" screamed Gimli

"When you let Legolas toss you into the car"

"NO ONE TOSSES A DWARF"

"Well then I guess the race wont start"

"Fine, oh leggy come toss me into the tuck"

"I just got a manicure so I won't be doing any tossing unless it's tossing my golden locks out of my face," said Legolas in an ever so metro-sexual way.

"Racers to your cars"

They raced and jumped into their brand new SUV's as I stood at the starting line with the pistol in my hand ready to start. They all knew the rules or at least I hoped they did, and they all had maps. Oh shizzle! I didn't give them maps! Eh oh well they managed to get to Mount Doom and back I think they can make it to California ok.