A/N: This is only a mild PMK crossover, as I only used the characters from there. The events not in sequence, so PMK lovers, please forgive me. Read on! Oh, and my mistake, Okita is 19 in here. In this story, the incident at the Ikedaya has not yet happened, and Yamanami is already dead. From what I could glean from historical records, I could only assume that Yamanami was already dead before the Ikedaya incident. I might be wrong, but it doesn't really matter, ne? Anyway, enjoy!
"Soujiro! Soujiro! Come play ball with us!"
The raucous cheers of both girls and boys alike reached Jarenna's ears first before she ever saw them, and for a second, she hesitated, briefly wondering if she should appear at all. It would not really be proper, after all.
But it's good manners to at least say thank you for the gift, isn't it? It's not like I'll throw myself at him or something. Besides, she had another thing to do, too.
Absently, she patted the still warm bento box, and hoped that it would be enough for two hungry people. It wasn't much, but it was something.
…
Okita sensed her presence before she even appeared, and in his momentary distraction, the rubber ball bounced smartly off his head, and the groans of the children came soon after. "Itai!"
"Soujiro! What are you doing?!" Taro demanded as Okita picked up the ball apologetically. "You spoilt the pattern!"
"Gomen, gomen, Taro-chan. Let's begin another round after we meet Yukijurou nee-san, okay?"
Tamiya and the girls perked up immediately. "Snow Angel?"
He looked down at them, unable to keep a genuine smile from creeping across his face. Despite himself, he'd been quite looking forward to seeing her again. No matter what the circumstances, she was always a welcome distraction. A distraction who, unlike any other, had given him peace.
She wore her hair loose today, he thought, watching as she came towards them, a package in hand. Ebony hair, a rich chocolate brown in the light, flowed over slender shoulders and framed a china doll-like face, making the flecks of green in her exotic hazel eyes stand out even more. He'd always liked her eyes--they never could hide anything from anyone. Her kimono was plain and unimpressive, but it only seemed to make her look all the more attractive.
"Snow Angel!" Tamiya broke away from Okita's gentle grasp and scampered towards Jarenna, who knelt to accommodate her height even as the little girl threw her arms around her neck. He saw the surprise and pleasure on her face for a moment before she hugged the girl back, her laughter warming his soul.
It's been a while since I've heard Jarenna laugh. He watched as she gave a package to Tamiya and said something softly to her, of which the kid took it eagerly and bestowed her with another enthusiastic bear hug. He pushed away all of Kimiko's warnings; they sounded empty and hollow in Jarenna's presence. It just wasn't possible for Jarenna to be that double-faced, could she?
Tamiya then turned to the others, her eyes shining as she shouted. "Bye, Soujiro! I've got to bring something to my kaa-chan! See you tomorrow, ne?"
Okita laughed and waved back. "Hai, Tami-chan. I'll be here tomorrow!"
"Ne, Soujiro, is she your girlfriend, then?" Taro tugged at his sleeve and looked up at him questioningly.
"Iie, Taro-chan." Okita replied, caught off guard by the sudden question. "Why do you say that?"
"Because my tou-san's got the same look in his eyes whenever he looks at my kaa-san." The small boy shuddered. "Parents shouldn't be allowed to do that."
Okita patted his head affectionately. "You'll understand when you're older, Taro-chan."
"They always say that! I'm six! I'm old enough to know stuff!"
"Not nearly old enough, Taro-chan. I'm afraid you're going to have to wait for a little while longer."
…
Jarenna took out a small handkerchief-wrapped package from her kimono sleeve and unfolded it in her palm, revealing brightly colored sweets. "Thought you all would like this," she said with a warm smile. "But I'm sorry, you guys can only have one each, all right?"
What followed next was a mini pushing-shoving session as the children impatiently reached for one of the things their lives currently revolved around.
"Arigato, Yukijurou-nee!"
…
"I hope I hadn't disturbed you earlier," Jarenna said as the last of the children scampered off home. She'd had had a lot of fun playing with them. It was a wonderful feeling, mixing with them. She'd never really had childhood friends before, though she faintly remembered that she had a sister who'd played with her before…well, before.
Jarenna didn't really look at him. Although he seemed perfectly happy, she was worried that she'd crashed in on something personal. She knew that Okita Souji enjoyed the time he had with the children very much, because it was the only time he could truly ever be relaxed, and so she didn't know how it would be if another adult appeared, reminding him of the life he was in now.
"You weren't. The children loved you." He smiled slightly. They were standing together, the distance between them closer than strangers, but farther than friends. He knew the awkwardness between them had not been totally dispelled, and he hated that. If nothing else, he found himself wanting it to be back to what it was back then between them, comfortable and free of discomfort. He did not know what, exactly, had changed, but he disliked it nonetheless.
A long pause stretched between them, fraught with words each wanted to say to the other, but had found no solid ground to bring it up on. Jarenna fidgeted for a moment before taking a breath. "I…I just wanted to thank you for the book."
He acknowledged the thanks with a nod, suddenly remembering the time when, in a bid to cheer Tetsu up, he'd nicked Hijikata-san's haiku book and led him on a merry chase around the Mibu village. Twenty four times. Kami he'd gotten a serious tongue lashing for that, but it was fun, and at least Tetsu had regained his usual cheerful disposition. Thinking of the crazed look on the Oni no Fukuchou's face made him laugh out loud; it was so amusing.
Jarenna glanced over at him, startled at the sudden laughter that issued from him. "Okita-san?"
"Oh, you weren't with us then." He replied as he related the story to her and quoted a few of Hijikata-san's laughably pathetic haiku pieces, trying valiantly to stifle his laughter. When he was done, she was already laughing, too, her eyes alight with amusement.
"Oh, I wish I could've seen that! You actually got Tetsu-kun in trouble?"
"All in the name of making him feel better, I assure you," he said good-naturedly as she giggled, noting that the tenseness of the atmosphere had disappeared almost instantly. Does that mean that we're back to being friends now? If it was, then why did he feel like kissing her?
Again?
"You do have a strange sense of humor, Okita-san," she told him after a moment, her eyes sparkling with warmth.
He waved it away. "Aa, that's what most people tell me. But at least I made you laugh, ne?" his voice softened involuntarily. "You should do it more often. It suits you."
Jarenna blinked at his sudden unexpected change in tone, but she couldn't really see his face as he was looking away from her. And for another matter, she didn't really know what to say to that. Ducking her head slightly, she felt a sense of wistfulness slide through her. Here he was, walking next to her, and she knew she would never want to be anywhere else in the world right now, because no one had ever made her feel the way she did when she was with him.
A faint flush worked up her cheeks as she absently murmured. "Sou desu ne? No one's ever told me that before."
At her words, Okita felt a pang of sadness shoot through his heart. Like him, she had her childhood taken away from her, and to add to that, he knew she'd faced numerous hellish situations shortly after that, but the simple things, the little things of joy she had never experienced struck him the most. She did not deserve the life she'd once had, the nightmares she now had to live through.
In more ways than one, she was just like him.
"Well," Okita said, forcing a laugh and trying to lighten the situation once more. "I've told you that, so it's not 'no one' anymore, ne?"
She smiled in return. "Hai, Okita-san. Arigato."
He wagged a reproachful finger in her face. "Now, now, Yukijurou-san. No more of that 'arigato' nonsense. Friends don't have to say it to each other for every little thing."
He found himself liking the look of surprise that crossed her features at that moment before they melted into a genuine smile and a genteel nod.
"Besides," he spoke, his voice quiet. "It is I who should thank you."
Jarenna looked mildly perplexed. "Why?"
"Because you're the only one who can give me peace."
What? Before she could respond, she felt him clasp her wrist to stop her walking, and before she knew it, his face was so close to hers she could see into his soft violet depths. Startled, she tried to move away, but it just wasn't possible. And a huge part of her didn't want to. "I--" The rest of her words--and her senses--were taken away as she felt his lips press against hers.
Stunned, her eyes widened, but it obviously was not some kind of accident or anything, as the hold on her wrist tightened ever so slightly. She felt his lips probe against hers, and in that moment, all she could think of, all she could feel, was him as her eyes fluttered shut. It was a wonderful feeling, and the kiss was gentle. He did not touch her anywhere else, nor did she touch him.
The scent of summer roses was intoxicating, as was the softness against his mouth. Sparks went off in his brain and travelled rapidly southward, but Okita resisted. She wasn't pushing him away, and was even responding to him, albeit a little hesitantly, and he felt his heart soar. Did she feel for him the same way he felt for her, then?
It was only his sense of propriety that he did not move to explore her mouth--they were in public after all, and he didn't know how she would possibly react to that.
He got his answer soon enough, when he felt hands pushing against his chest. When he opened his eyes again, he saw the abject shock and horror in her eyes, the two reactions he had not expected to see.
"Okita-san--!!" Her hand immediately flew to her mouth. What in Kami's name had she been thinking?Kiriko and him were together, for crying out loud! And here she was, kissing him and enjoying it…a flare of guilt and self-disgust rose within her, overwhelming in their intensity. What kind of a person am I? I just promised myself not to throw myself at him, and now…Now…Oh, Kami-sama. What's Okita-san going to think of me now??
Okita, on the other hand, was having very different thoughts, misunderstanding her expression as he took a step back, giving her space and feeling his heart sink. His mind returned to when he'd seen Jarenna and Sano-san enter the kitchen together, looking very much like a couple. Of course, they were a couple! Sanosuke had expressed his attraction to her a few times, and it seemed like she returned his affections, and here he was, taking advantage of her!
Ahou, he thought furiously, feeling a sharp pang shoot through his heart. What the hell were you thinking?!
This was his friend's woman, and he knew himself better than that. But it had been so easy to reach over and kiss her, losing his self- control in the process, and it was infuriating. It had never happened to him before.
But then again, he'd never been overcome by a strong feeling to kiss someone before. The overwhelming emotions he'd felt in those precious few moments frightened him, yet intoxicated him nonetheless, sweeping him away in a wave that made him yearn lose himself in her…
And Jarenna, sweet, innocent Jarenna, what would she think of him?
Closing his eyes to shut the pain out--the pain in knowing that Jarenna was already taken--he bowed. "I am very sorry, Jarenna-san. I have behaved inappropriately. I will not do it again."
She did not know how to react to that. This was all her fault, so why was he taking the blame? "I-Iie, Okita-san. I-I…Gomenasai. I have to go."
He didn't stop her as she hurried away, blinking back the sudden tears in her eyes. He called me Jarenna-san. Not Yukijurou-san. Jarenna-san. For the second time, he said my name. He'd only spoke her first name once, when he saw her and Sanosuke-kun, and when she saw through the concealed shock in his eyes. But there was nothing she could do about it. There was nothing she would allow herself to do, because she knew, in that terrible moment, that she was already deeply in love with him.
And there was nothing she could ever do about it.
She would not allow herself to look back as she felt an unfamiliar, yet piercing pain shoot through her heart, threatening to break her emotionally. Okita-san belongs to Kimiko. She deserves him. I don't. I don't. I'm sorry, Okita-san. I'm so sorry…
His shoulders slumped slightly, the First Captain stood where he was and watched her leave.
He stood there and watched until there was nothing left to see.
…
"Oii, Jarenna-san! Tadaima!!"
Jarenna looked up from her sweeping in surprise as she saw an all-too-familiar figure bounding in through the front gates. Hijikata had sent him a few weeks earlier on an errand and also as a way for him to get over the grief of Yamanami's death, who had struck him particularly hard, and she was heartened to see him look so happy and energetic once more. She liked the boy, and it pained her to see him sad.
Her worries momentarily forgotten, she straightened and beamed. "Okaerinasai, Tetsu-kun!"
The fifteen year old--though he looked like he was twelve--bounced in and laughed. "I hope you cooked an extra large portion of food for me today, Jarenna-san! I missed the food!"
Jarenna laughed and patted his head. "Hai, hai! I knew you were coming back today, so I made your favorite dishes. Now go and report to Hijikata-sama and clean up. Dinner will be served in two hours' time."
Well, two hours was just a technicality, because none of them kept the exact time, appearing at least an hour before dinner was officially ready. Most of them being the Comedian Three, Harada, Nagakura, and Toudou. They were notorious for their bottomless pit stomachs, and even Junko-san was hard-pressed to keep them full.
"Ne…" Tetsu cocked his head to the side and studied his friend closely. She looked strange today. "Jarenna-san, you look really sad today." He frowned. "Did anyone bully you?"
Jarenna looked up, surprised at the boy's perceptiveness. Was it really that obvious? "Iie! It's just that…" she hesitated, searching for words. "I…never mind."
Now he knew something was really wrong. Jarenna-san had never looked like that before, like someone close to her had died or something. And she had never stopped halfway in telling him reasons. Tetsu frowned. "Jarenna-san?"
He was about to say something more when something small, pink, and utterly evil leapt at him, bent on attacking his face. "BUKI!!!!!!!!!!!"
"ARGH!!!! DAMN PIG!!!!"
…
It was deep in the night; and one of those rare nights where Okita had been off-duty. Saizou snored contentedly on the tiny futon beside him, his curly pink tail twitching occasionally. He had to smile at the sight; his beloved little pig had been the cause of many little troubles lately, and it was good to see him so peaceful. Well, at least one of them was peaceful that night.
Idly, he picked up one of his books and flipped through them, then put them down again with a sigh. They held no interest for him tonight.
Opening the shoji door to let some fresh air in, he lit a lantern and made his way to sit on the porch and surveyed the serene surroundings. The lawn before him was kept beautifully, and even now moonlight was bathing the entire scenery in its silver glow, making it look all the more surreal.
I wonder if Yukijurou-san is still asleep, he mused absently as he picked up the sleeping pig and laid it on his lap, stroking him lovingly. And if she is, what would she be dreaming about?
Unbidden, her shocked face wafted into his mind again, and he winced inwardly. He'd done something unforgivable, coming on to her like that, and that look in her eyes…
That look almost broke his heart.
"What was I thinking?!" he murmured angrily to himself, his fist clenching by his side. He was nothing more than a killer. A murderer. She was not, and she deserved better than him. Who am I to even touch her? She was miles out of his league, and he knew, no matter how similar they seemed to be, they would never be compatible. He had blood on his hands, the blood of countless people he'd slain in cold blood, and she…
He knew she would never understand why he had to kill. He flashed back to where he found her, huddled and whimpering like a whipped puppy in a pile of garbage, and those eyes when he killed her masters in front of her. Those wide, terrified eyes.
It burned into him with an intensity that he'd never known.
Okita knew, if he ever revealed that side of him to her again, she would be gone from him forever, the trust in her eyes would be changed to fear. He would no longer be someone she could love.
She deserves someone else. Anyone else other than me. Even Harada seemed for suitable for her compared to him.
At least he made her happy.
But if that was true, then why couldn't he bring himself to believe it?
Find me here and speak to me
I want to feel you near, I need to hear you
You are the light
That's leading me, to the place where I find peace again
He closed his eyes, willing the dull ache that had settled within his heart to go away. He'd had had enough. If Jarenna had only wanted to be his friend, then so be it.
So be it…
"You didn't appear for dinner tonight," The voice he found himself longing to hear spoke softly.
His eyes flew open in surprise and he looked up, to see Jarenna standing not too far away from him. How could she get so close without me sensing her? He must've been more than a little preoccupied tonight.
She was dressed in a light blue kimono, her hair loose around her shoulders. In the soft, golden light of the lantern, she seemed to glow, her eyes soft and sparkling. She wore a faint smile on her pink lips that made her look all the more beautiful. "I came to see if you were hungry. Would you like me to fix you something?"
You are the strength that keeps me walking
You are the hope that keeps me trusting
You are the life to my soul
You are my purpose,
You're everything to me.
And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?
"Iie." It was all he could bring himself to say at the moment. After a pause, he asked. "What are you doing up so late at night?"
"I couldn't sleep." Her answer was simple as she sat down on the porch next to him. Her doe-brown eyes caught his own and held him in. "So I came to see you."
"Why?"
"Do I need a reason?"
The First Squad Captain honestly found nothing to say to that. But then again, sometimes words were not needed. He looked out into the lawn again, trying hard to keep his sudden roiling emotions under strict control. He stiffened slightly as she rested her head against his shoulder, a welcome weight against him, but relaxed when she made no move to move away.
You calm the storms and you gave me rest
You hold me in your hands, you won't let me fall
You still my heart, and you take my breath away
Would you take me in? Take me deeper now
And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?
He felt his fist unclench slowly as he forced himself to relax, something that was not difficult to do after all. In her presence, he couldn't help but feel at peace. Maybe it was her, he didn't know. But all he knew now was that the dull ache that had been in his heart was eased. She was here now, and that was all that mattered.
Okita Souji closed his eyes, a faint smile easing across his lips. She was here now.
He felt her head lift, and she gazed at him quizzically. "Are you all right, Okita-san?"
He nodded. "Aa. I'm fine." And he meant it.
And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?
'Cause you're all I want,
You're all I need,
You're everything, everything
On his lap, Saizou grunted and stirred, and Okita blinked, heart sinking when he realized that Jarenna was gone.
In fact, there had been no sign of her there at all. It had all been some kind of dream. Nonetheless, he caught the unmistakable scent of summer roses in the faint night breeze. He smiled a bittersweet smile and looked up at the full moon that seemed to beam down at him. Imagination or not, she had been here, and now, in the silence of the night, it was everything that mattered. Oyasuminasai, Jarenna-san.
You're all I want,
You're all I need,
You're everything, everything
And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?
A good few hundred meters away on almost the other side of the Shinsengumi compound, Jarenna, who was gazing out at the moon through her window, instinctively turned to see who had called her name. Don't be silly, she chastised herself as she settled back into her futon. Who'd call you this late at night?
With a sigh, she closed the window and went to sleep.
Above them, the moon shone brilliantly in the dark night amidst the twinkling stars.
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?
…
Now with Tetsu back at the compound, things were so much easier. Of course, there was much more yelling from the general direction of Hijikata's office, but at least Jarenna had help. The new recruits had kept her busy for a good few days, what with the rushing around finding new futons, cleaning out unused rooms that took ages to properly clean…Kimiko had disappeared in the chaos, and Junko-san had given up searching for her, so now Jarenna had to do the work of two people. Which was, in the loosest term possible, backbreaking.
In the course of the entire morning, she'd cooked and helped wash the dishes, cleaned out three large rooms, did the laundry, and polished the dojo floors.
It's lucky that today's such a cool day, she thought absently, wiping her perspiration off with a handkerchief as she paused in her sweeping. If it had been summer, she'd have died of heatstroke already. Tetsu had helped her with a bunch of things before Hijikata called him in, and now he was off doing an errand. Well, at least after sweeping the floor, she only had to prepare lunch and she'd be free for the whole day.
"Buki!" Came the indignant yelp before something small and pink threw itself against her ankle, demanding attention. Okita-san would only be back late in the afternoon from patrolling, and it was obvious the pig was searching for a companion to while the time away.
"Not now, Saizou. I'm busy." she told the pig with a small smile. No matter how imperious it could get, she still loved it. Who didn't? Even Tetsu liked it, though Saizou always went out of his way to aggravate him.
"Bukibukibuki!" It insisted, bumping against her ankle a few more times. Apparently she was the last resort. It had been a while since she'd seen the pig, after all. Laughing lightly, she knelt down and patted the animal. "You're one insistent little guy, Saizou. How about this, let me finish my chores first, then I'll play with you, ne?"
It was almost as if the pig understood what she was saying as it trotted back out of the way and watched her sweep up the leaves, occasionally helping her clip one or two wayward ones. Then it followed her into the kitchen and waited patiently as she prepared the food for Akira-san to cook later.
Half an hour later, a softly singing Jarenna made her way out to the courtyard with Saizou snugly in her arms. She'd pulled back her hair in a simple ponytail because Saizou occasionally got very irritated when her hair spilled in front and would try to bite it, which was, most of the time, not exactly painless.
"Yo, Yukijurou-san!" Nagakura-san called out merrily as he walked with Toudou-san. Sanosuke-kun was nowhere in sight. "When's lunch?"
"It'll be at the same time, Nagakura-san. As always."
"Nani?" the diminutive redhead looked disappointed. "Damn, I'm hungry."
Toudou slapped his friend on the back and laughed. "You're like Sano-san, you're always hungry!"
Saizou growled.
"You could go to the kitchens and see if Akira-san has cooked anything yet. I suppose she's already--"
Before she could even finish her sentence, both men cheered and disappeared.
She looked down at the pig and shrugged. "Well, well, Saizou. Guess it's just you and me now."
…
A few moments later she was seated on the porch, Saizou and a book settled comfortably in her lap, and she was reading to him. It was the sad love story of the Weaving Maid Orihime and her husband, the Cowherd. Although they were deeply in love, the Emperor of Heaven had only allowed them one day a year to meet, and that day was named the Festival of Stars, Tanabata.
"It's very sad, ne, Saizou?" she sighed as she flipped through to another tale in the book halfheartedly, not paying any real attention to the pages. "You love someone deeply, but someone else prevents you from ever sharing that love. And you can't even say anything, because you know that in some way, they're right. And there's nothing you can ever do about it."
Saizou twitched and looked up at her. "Buki?"
"But then again," Jarenna's voice took on an optimistic tone. "At least she gets to share that love together with him once a year. I guess that has got to count for something." She arranged her lavender haori to cover Saizou a little more, since the weather was rapidly getting colder, and petted him absently, turning her attention back to another story in the book. "Look, Saizou, a story about a little pig and his brothers. Do you want to hear about it?"
Saizou perked up moments before the main doors opened, catching Jarenna's attention. She straightened when she saw Kimiko enter, her expression curiously apprehensive. "Kimiko-san?"
The younger girl jumped a mile in the air at the sound of her name, then she realized that it was only Jarenna. Heaving a sigh of relief, she said, trying to calm her racing heart. "Jarenna-san! Why'd you sit there for? You scared the heck out of me."
"I finished the chores, so I decided to come here and read." She replied with a small smile, then inclined her head. "Junko-san told me to tell you to go and see her."
Shimatta! Kimiko thought in alarm. My chores! She'd been so caught up with the meeting with her father's associate that she'd forgotten about that. Resigned to her fate, she slumped and shook her head. "That's all she said?"
"Hai."
"Is she mad at me?"
Jarenna frowned and thought for a moment. "Well…she's looked better."
"Arigato, Jarenna-san!" Muttering under her breath, Kimiko shook her head and bounded away. Better to face the music now than later. She had important things to do after that.
Jarenna watched her hurry away, wondering what the other girl had been doing the whole day. She looked frazzled and distracted, to say the least.
Not long after, the doors opened again, this time by the sentries that had been stationed outside, which meant that they were most likely guests or something. Standing up and gathering Saizou and her book, she moved to slip away when what she saw stunned her.
The visitors were visibly stunned, too, as they stood and stared at each other for a long moment, the only sound being that of the book falling to the ground from limp fingers.
Transfixed, Jarenna could only stare.
Into her own face.
…
..
.
A/N: A good cliffhanger, eh? So sorry I had to put this in, haha. But stay tuned for the next chapter, 'cause it's gonna be real interesting. Promise. Tell me what you think, though. I really love to hear from you!
Jade eyed neko: Haha I'm happy you like this! I don't suppose Megumi would be in here at this time, though, 'cause she'd still be a kid in Aizu, ne?
Cindy17: Yo, it's up! I hope you enjoyed it!
Zuzumi: Heyyy! I'm so glad that you reviewed YET another chapter of my story! And yeah, Kimiko's a little nuts up there, ne? But jealousy can really make you do these sorts of things…I'm thinking Okita is already not too happy with her…I don't think Jarenna herself would be too happy with her, too, if she found out what was said behind her back.