Ohayo!!! Yes, it's me again, with a spankin' brand new update! Once more, many apologies for the confusing people inside. I had intended this to be an RK fic originally, but then I got hooked onto Peacemaker Kurogane, and voila, it changed! Sincerest apologies for the people who find this confusing, haha. This author is confused herself, too!
Now, to set the record straight. Everyone here is from PMK, but because I kinda killed off Yamanami in the "RK stage", it's gonna be done without him…
Oh, and this chapter contains mild lemon something I've attempted to write for the first time, so please be lenient, okay? You've been warned. Enjoy!
…
Doubt that the stars are fire; Doubt that the sun doth move; Doubt truth to be a liar; But never doubt I love--William Shakespeare
…
..
.
To say that Junko had looked better would be a terrible understatement. If the older woman had rations of being pissed off, she would have used the next hundred years' up already. Kimiko grimaced as Junko listed down all the things she had to do, which included most of Jarenna's chores and her personal, very much hated one: feeding the animals and cleaning out their pens.
Kami-sama. .
She hated feeding the animals, mostly because of the stink, and now she was going to have to do it for a week? This was just too much.
"Junko-san," she started, trying very hard not to whine. "I just went out for a while. Surely there's no need for such a harsh--"
"You skipped out on us while we're at our busiest. You know that the new recruits are coming in today, and this is definitely NOT your FIRST TIME!!"
Kimiko flinched at the tone. Uh-oh. Now she's really angry. Nonetheless, she tried once more. Heck, you never know when miracles would happen, ne? "Junko-san, the animals--"
"Two weeks."
"EHHHHH???!"
She snapped, a vein in her forehead throbbing dangerously. "One more word from you, Kimiko, and you'll find your punishment doubled to four. NO MORE EXCUSES. I've let you off often enough."
With that, she strode out. Kimiko hung her head and sighed. Life definitely was NOT fair.
At all.
…
Chief Kondou looked interestedly from one face to the other very much later. "It's indeed a surprise, Takagi-kun. I have never expected things to turn out like this."
Takagi Kojuurou tore his eyes from his long-lost daughter, his face regaining his usual color. It had shocked him to see her here, of all places, and he noted that she looked well, although right now she just looked dazed. He could still barely believe his eyes, the daughter he'd sold all those years ago was right in front of him, still alive. He was impressed; it showed that the Takagi family had strong blood, after all. "Aa, Kondou-kun. I have missed her so."
Tokio was staring at the other girl too, a mixture of shock and delight on her face.
Takagi turned back to Jarenna, unable to keep pleasure from entering his voice. "Jarenna…it's been a long while."
She did not look at him, the side of her face curtained by dark hair. Her eyes were downcast, and she barely registered the words. She didn't want to listen. Her hands, clasped tightly in her lap, were shaking. Should she be angry? Happy?
She didn't know. When she'd been taken from her home, her masters had assured her that she'd been sold to them, spending countless of days laughing over how the great Takagi Kojuurou had sold her to them for almost no money at all, and that she was theirs to do as they pleased. Jarenna, a mere child of six then, had cried and refused to believe it, that her father would never abandon her, but it mostly always ended up with her being beaten to within an inch of her life. Little by little, it had cemented her belief that her father, indeed, had abandoned her and had left her alone to fend for herself.
And now that he was here, right in front of her, when he had disappeared from her life for the past 13 years, not even bothering to find her…in fact, he had not bothered to find her at all. It was just coincidence that they'd met. He hadn't bothered to find me at all.
He wasn't there when they beat me up.
He wasn't there when I was treated just like an animal.
He wasn't there when they raped me…
He wasn't there.
"Takagi-san," Kondou nodded kindly at her. "You no longer have to bother with your duties anymore, now that you know who you really are--"
"Iie, Kondou-sama," Jarenna bowed deeply, shelving her fury and shock for the moment. "I am Yukijurou Jarenna, and if it pleases you, I shall continue my chores." she got to her feet and bowed once more as the whole room stared at her, shocked at her response. "May I be excused?"
Hijikata glanced from the almost angered look on Kojuurou's face, then to the quietly furious Jarenna, then exhaled from his pipe. "Aa. You may leave."
"Toshi." Kondou muttered under his breath as the girl left, sliding the shoji door silently behind her. What was he doing? This was her father, for Kami's sake, and he let the girl off?
"Hijikata-kun," Takagi started, confused and mildly irritated. "You let--"
"I have my reasons." Hijikata said shortly. He'd caught the calculative, almost predatory look he'd sent his so-called "beloved long-lost daughter" earlier, and it disgusted him. He had never liked the power-hungry man, and it irked him especially when it was established that all of his practices, although underhanded and ruthless, were all lawful. Slimy people such as he should not even be breathing, much less walking and talking.
But Matsudaira Katamori had especially stated that Takagi was to be treated well, and he had no choice but to obey.
He glanced at the woman who was about to be betrothed to his Third Squad Captain Saito Hajime. The two were identical, right down to the slightest detail, yet this woman was very much different from the other. Her ki was vibrant, almost bursting with energy, while the other was more…subdued. Haunted, even. And this woman did not have the perpetual sadness that lurked in the other's eyes.
"Father," Tokio said quickly in a tone that let Hijikata know that there had been no love lost between the two, glancing at the exit. "Excuse me."
Takagi looked mildly surprised, then nodded. "Aa. Don't go far."
…
Just when I thought I've finally settled down. When I've finally forgotten about my father…my family…when I could finally put that behind me and get on with my life… Her thoughts were in a whirl, angry and scared and confused. She didn't even know what to feel. Seeing her father once more had knocked her off balance. It hurt knowing that he had sold her to those brutal men, that he had never even bothered to look for her…it was his fault she'd been in hell. Indirectly, but all his, nonetheless.
He was responsible for the unnamable horrors he'd put her through.
Clenching her fists, she started running, stretching as far as her kimono would allow her to. She wanted to get away. From here, from everything. It was as if her nightmare had walked out of the darkness where it belonged and started stalking her once more, ready to pounce and devour her when she fell…Just when she thought she was already getting over the terrible time, the one monster who caused it appeared once more in her life…
A huge part of her wanted to storm back in to demand a reason and hurt him as much as he hurt her, but the other part simply just needed to run. To find a place where she could think, where she could feel past the fear and anger and hurt, where she could be assured that the world she's so painstakingly built back around her was not crumbling to pieces…
Blindly, she crashed headlong into someone coming from the opposite side, a flare of pain sparking in her face. She was about to quickly apologize and leave when an all-too-familiar voice spoke in surprise. "Yukijurou-san?"
Okita stared down at the heaving figure in his arms, everything else forgotten but his concern for her. It was obvious she had been running, but from what? Instinctively, his arms tightened around her. She recoiled with a yelp--as if she'd been burnt--but he only tightened his grip. Something had her running, and he was determined to know who it was. If it was someone bent on hurting her, he swore that someone would not live to see the next day.
"Jarenna." He didn't bother to affix anything else to that name.
She refused to look at him, whimpering softly as she fell almost limp against him, and he glanced around, urgently seeking whatever it was that made her behave so.
Nothing.
"Jarenna, what's wrong??" he asked, his heart racing. What in kami's name had happened to reduce her to this?!
She looked up at him, her normally calm eyes wild with emotions he'd never thought he'd see. She was angry and confused, so deep in whatever it was that she barely registered his presence. Filled with a sense of dread and fear for her, Okita shook her gently. "Jarenna! Jarenna, look at me!"
He heaved a silent sigh of relief as her eyes fell on him, recognizing him. They were so filled with pain, it made his heart hurt. "Jarenna, it's all right now. I'm here. What happened?"
She snapped to, and clung onto him desperately, that wild light entering her eyes once more as tears spilled down her cheeks. "Take me away, Souji! I don't want to be here. Take me away…onegai…Souji…"
Realizing that he could never get an answer out of her in this state, he simply nodded and did as she asked, letting go of her and taking her hand, which she gripped tightly--almost painfully--in her own. "Aa. Come with me."
They ran.
…
"Sasuga Shinsengumi Oni no Fukuchou."
Hijikata calmly shut the shoji door behind him and focused on the corner of the room, where the shadows were the darkest. The voice was sensual and distinctive, brimming with confidence and a hint of playfulness.
"Hisashiburi, Itoyanagi." With a flick of his wrist, he lit the lamp, lifting the shadows in the room. And right there, revealed to him, was a young woman no older than twenty. She was leaning casually against the wall, arms folded across her lavender kimono-clad chest. Rich ebony hair tumbled down her shoulders, defiant streaks of purple racing down her tresses. Her brilliant cerulean eyes were filled with wry humor as her scarlet lips curled in a faint smile at the pet name. "Weeping Willow?"
Hijikata watched her for a moment. Yes, she was just as he'd remembered. Exquisite, yet shrouded in mystery, she came and went as she wished, allowing no one to be her master. "What are you doing here?"
Pushing off from the wall, she sauntered towards him, her hips swaying seductively, taking pleasure in the way his eyes lingered on her form. Yes, it was obvious she still had an effect on him. She felt her blood race and her heartbeat quicken, and knew that he had the exact same effect on her as well. The top of her head barely reached his shoulder, and yet, it did not seem to faze her in the least. "It was mean, arranging for Takagi Kojuurou to pay you a visit knowing that his long-lost daughter is here."
"Aa," he agreed, calmly putting away his pipe, knowing that she didn't like the smoke. "It is not without reason. Kojuurou is just as I thought. A ruthless bastard."
She laughed softly, coming up so close to him she could feel his body heat, inflaming her senses, sparking off the passion that lay dormant since the last time she'd left him. It's definitely been awhile. "Yes, Hijikata-san. Just like you."
Hijikata stared down at her, a retort dying on his lips. If you were anyone else, I would have you killed for that insult. But that was the thing he admired about her. Tsukino Yanagi never lied. He leaned down, close enough to taste those tempting lips, wondering if it was still as sweet as he'd remembered. From this distance, it took all his iron control and discipline to prevent himself from pushing her to the floor and taking her the way he knew she liked. "You still haven't answered my question."
She took a slow step back, reluctance flashing in her eyes as she held out a crimson ring. "Got this off the head demon hiding in an old temple. His clan had been instrumental in gunning after Shinsengumi members. Was about to place a curse on the entire compound when I snapped his neck."
"With a wooden stake, I presume. It's one of your specialties, if I recall correctly." Hijikata replied, unfazed by what she'd just told him. It was one of those traits that made her keep coming back to him like a moth to a flame. He took everything in his stride, never losing his cool demeanor. Well, hardly ever, anyway. If she'd said the same thing to any other man, he would have lost it then and there.
She slipped the ring back into the hem of her kimono with a faint smile. "Iie. An axe. A girl's got to learn to improvise."
He allowed a tiny smirk to grace his lips, a special smile just for her. "I suppose I've got you to thank."
She brushed her fingers seductively across his lips, a tingle working down her spine at that simple touch. How could he have that effect on her even when she was the one who was touching him? "What do you have in mind, lover?"
He cupped her cheek, rubbing her thumb over her lips, returning the favour. "The same thing you do. You would have been an asset to the Shinsengumi with your skills."
"You know me better than that," she purred huskily, leaning into his touch as she closed her eyes. "I don't kill people."
"Aa. It's a pity."
She smiled as she lay a gentle kiss on the palm of his hand. "It's a law that governs me."
He knew that. Unbidden, Souji's words slipped into his mind. The words he'd spoken when he finally allowed Tetsu into the Shinsengumi.
He resembles me? I believe he resembles 'someone else' more…
And, indeed, Souji was right. She was barely more than a girl, yet she stood alone against her legion of enemies with a confidence and courage that defined her very being. She fought a hopeless fight, and yet, she still carried on, day after day, until one day one of her enemies would be stronger than her, and cut her down, just like all her predecessors. This much he knew, for it was what she had told him before he'd taken her virginity all those years ago.
She sidled away from him and undid her obi knot casually, slipping her kimono off her shoulders. Beneath the kimono, she wore her customary black gear that left nothing to the imagination. Despite admiring her svelte form, he caught the faintest of catches in her movements and frowned.
Automatically, he moved to the cabinet and removed a box he kept for times like these. She'd been in here too many times for him to not be surprised. "Let me see it."
"It's all right. It's just a scratch." She said dismissively as he stood directly behind her.
His slate gray eyes darkened. "Don't make me repeat myself."
She sighed. She knew that tone all too well to defy him.
He waited patiently as she peeled off her outfit. He didn't miss the way she instinctively covered her front with the cloth, catching the momentary, uncharacteristic glimpse of modesty she had. It was in those moments that he saw through her soul. Beneath the tough warrior façade, the unwavering self-confidence, lay a person who did not possess any of those, and in that moment, he only saw a young woman, scarred by all the fighting, the constant battling.
And he loved her, because she was so much like him.
The slash that sliced down her back was nothing but. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw his eyes flash as he said coldly. "You have a skewed idea of what a scratch is, Itoyanagi."
"I won't die from it." she replied coolly. He was always like this when he saw her wounds. The smoldering, dangerous man was gone, leaving a cold, cold man, with an overprotective streak to boot. Not a very good combination, to be honest.
He said nothing, and she suppressed a hiss as she felt something burn against her back. She continued, gritting her teeth against the pain. "There were seventeen of them. Injuries are bound to happen." There she went again, trying to explain herself to him. Tsukino Yanagi had never bothered to explain anything to anyone. She played by her own rules and moral code and cared nothing for those who associated themselves with her, but Hijikata… damn it.
I will not do it again.
It was a mantra she'd repeated many times, overused and obsolete, and she cursed herself for her weakness. Hated herself for coming back to him time after time, watching over him and making sure he came to no harm. But she reveled in the pleasure, of the life that her love for him brought to her. It allowed her something to live for, day after day.
"You killed them all."
"Yes."
The pressure against her back increased, showing his displeasure. "You should have had backup. Not charge in there like an idiot. Even the most amateur of fighters know that."
She bristled at the insult. "Slaying demons is my calling. I face death night after night; it doesn't scare me anymore."
Behind her, Hijikata made a curious sound, somewhere between a growl and a snort. Before she knew it, he spun her around to face him, and she registered the feral light in his eyes, yet his voice was calm. "You are a fool."
"I didn't choose to be this way," she argued. Then she sighed, and for the first time, he saw the weary look in her eyes--something he had never seen before. "Look, I didn't come here to start a fight, Hijikata. I just…"
He closed his eyes and released his grip on her shoulders. She was here now, alive and still in one piece. And that, right now, was what counted, because chances were that she would die tomorrow.
He'd lived for planning most of his life, and she had forced him to live in the moment, taking him as her lover and making him care for her. A part of him resented her for allowing him to love her the way he did, but a larger part took solace in the love he knew would never last forever, because the day would come when an evil would overpower her, and she would die. She promised him nothing that she couldn't keep, and he did the same, that was just the way it was. There was no attachment, only love. But when she died, he knew he would mourn. "Turn around."
Yanagi lowered her eyes slightly as she patiently waited for him to finish treating her wound. It was the first time she had an injury like this--across her back, and she knew that it unsettled him somehow. She knew it took a lot out of him to not give her a tongue-lashing, and she appreciated that.
It was always like this. Every time she came here, it seemed like it would be their last night together, and every touch, every caress would hold a tint of desperation to it, the need to hold on to that single touch, to commit it to memory.
It was what made the sex so addicting, yet tainted the aftereffects with a bittersweet feeling that refused to leave either of them.
It made Yanagi feel all the more weary when she left him. He knew she would never stay away for long, and he waited. With the patience of a predator seeking its prey, he would always wait for her.
Until she never came back.
Even so, he would still wait. He would see her again.
"Would you mourn for me when I die?" The words came out of her mouth, unbidden, and she blinked, surprised at her own question.
The hands on her back halted for a long moment.
She closed her eyes, waiting for him to speak. Would he mourn? Or would he put on the mask of Oni no Fukuchou and pretend nothing was wrong? "Tell me the truth."
A long, drawn-out pause, before his hands started moving again, light against her skin, sending tingles of passion down her spine. "Aa."
I matter to him, after all…This time, she allowed a smile to touch her lips. She hadn't smiled in a long time, and it felt good. She sighed, finally allowing herself to put her guard down. She was in her sanctuary, after all. There was no need for the Slayer anymore. Not right now.
"Hijikata--"
He reached over and touched her lips. "Iie. I am just Toshizou tonight." His voice was low, lower than she'd ever heard, and it made her heart skip a few beats. This was the only man who could manage to do this to her, and unable to resist, she leaned into his touch, desperate to feel his body against hers once more.
She felt him recoil, and turned, surprised. "Toshi?"
He stared at her, his face stony while his darkened eyes betrayed his passion. "You're hurt. I will not touch you tonight."
"It's already halfway healed," she told him, shaking her head. "Besides, I only have tonight. Who knows when I will come to you again?"
He still looked unconvinced, his desire to protect overpowering his desire for her. "It is a deep wound."
"It doesn't matter." Deliberately, she turned to him and let the cloth drop to her feet with a soft rustle.
His eyes burned.
She didn't wait for him to answer as she leaned flush against him, feeling every contour, pressing against the hard proof of his arousal. Her hands snaked around his neck, tangling themselves into silken strands as she pulled his hairtie loose, and pressed her lips against his. She would not be denied tonight. Love me.
He responded with a primal growl and crushed her lips against his, exploring and tasting the sweetness that lay within. She felt herself lowered to the ground, and yet at the last minute, he turned so that she was resting on top of him. She looked down lovingly at him for a moment, relishing the masculine sweep of his jaw, the look in his eyes…
It was all for her.
Oh, Toshizou…
Her thoughts melted away once more as his large hand pulled her head down to his for an earth-shattering kiss, the other wildly caressing, memorizing every inch of her body as he pressed her pelvis against his, making her feel how much he desired her in that moment.
Her hands were not idle either, as she helped him get out of his customary black kimono impatiently, wanting--no, needing--to feel him in her.
She reached downwards to grab him when he caught hold of her wrist. He looked almost…amused. "There's no need to be impatient. We've got the whole of tonight."
As if to put truth to his words, lightning cracked across the room, followed by a rolling thunder that signalled the impending arrival of a thunderstorm. In a swift move, he reached over and turned out the light, plunging them in darkness.
Her mouth was claimed roughly by him once more as his fingers travelled lightly over her pants, and even as their tongues mated, she positioned herself so he could take that annoying material off as soon as humanly possible. A soft wisp of cold air made her shudder slightly, but she heard him growl as she rested herself fully on him, feeling the soft stiffness of his manhood against her own.
His fingers made their way to her womanhood and gently pressed against it, making her catch her breath. He always knew where to touch her. Tearing his mouth away from hers to settle on the juncture between her neck and shoulders, he whispered huskily. "You're already wet."
"Of course." She whispered back teasingly, holding his hand in place, quietly pleading for him to enter her. He teased her back for a moment, making her moan, too absorbed in her longing to care about power play. All she wanted was him tonight.
She flipped them over so he was on top, and his eyes widened slightly. "Your back--"
"I don't care. Just kiss me." Her normally clear blue eyes, now clouded with passion and desire, bored into his, pleading and softer than he'd ever seen them.
And so he did as she said, covering her mouth once more with his own in a long, gentle kiss that was so unlike him. He trailed his lips down, from her lips to her chin to her collarbone and even lower, paying homage to both her breasts as his other hand toyed with her womanhood, making her cry out softly for more. She was so wet and hot, and it made him want to just plunge into her, but for both their sakes, he would wait.
This would be a night of lovemaking, not sex.
He would never say he loved her, but he hoped this would be enough.
…
Yanagi's nails dug deeply into his back as he spilled himself into her, her own climax taking them both, once again, to the pinnacle of pleasure, and for a very long moment, things were once again simple between them.
He lay down beside her, surprised by the strength of his own climax. He started to pull himself out of her, but she stopped him, shaking her head as she toyed with his hair. "I like the feel of you inside me. Big and manly."
He stared at her for a moment, unable to believe she'd just said something like that, but it was not exactly unexpected. She always said strange things after lovemaking. He reached over and tenderly pushed the damp strands of hair out of her eyes, eyes that now did not hide the love she had for him. There were no longer secrets between them when they were joined, leaving them free to express their love for each other. "Aa? Should I take that as a compliment?"
"But of course," She drawled, finding a hollow between the base of his neck and his shoulder blade and idly nipping it, distracting him almost immediately. She crawled above him, making sure that they never lost contact, and laid tender kisses on his sculpted chest, especially over his heart, as if to kiss all his pain away, and he felt himself harden once more. That warm mouth never ceased to turn him on, no matter that he'd just had the most explosive climax of his life, which, really, was saying something.
She smiled impishly as she felt him stiffen inside her, and she swiveled her hips sassily, making him stifle a groan. "I see you're still very much awake."
"It's a wonder I can still rest when I'm with you," he replied, flipping her to her back once more--in a gentler way, she still had that wound, after all--and engaging her in a sensual, openmouthed kiss that left both of them breathless. He stroked her side languidly, rubbing the underside of her breasts, relishing the way she arched against him with the softest of cries.
"It looks like we've got to round two," Yanagi giggled softly, caged under him, dark hair once again mixing with melded black and purple ones as his lips wandered down her body, worshipping her breasts once more and making her burn. He looked up wickedly and ran the tip of his tongue seductively over her lips, coaxing them to open once more.
"Aa. Now shut up and kiss me."
…
Okita could not be silent anymore. They had temporarily sought shelter in an inn because of the storm, and they'd been in here for close to three hours. Jarenna had calmed down, but she stayed silent, staring into space, not even reacting to the sudden cold or when he placed his haori around her shoulders in a bid to keep her warm.
All the color had gone out of her cheeks, and what with the faraway look in her eyes, she looked like a zombie.
"Jare--Yukijurou-san?"
There was no response, not even a flicker of recognition in her eyes. He tried again, this time kneeling in front of her in a bid to make her listen. He would get her to talk. "Jarenna-san? Jarenna-san, it's me, Souji. Let me help you."
She looked up at him then, her dark eyes full of pain and anger. "You can't help me." she looked down at her lap, her eyes curtained by her dark hair. Belatedly, he realized that this was one of her little quirks, a hint that she was shutting him out even now. And he couldn't, wouldn't, allow that.
He reached out and lifted her head up with a finger under her chin. "You don't know that. Don't shut me out."
Jarenna jerked away from him as if she'd been burnt. "Don't touch me, Okita-sama. Don't dirty your hands."
He stared at her, stunned at the sudden use of the honorific and more mystified than ever. "What are you talking about?"
She whipped her head up to face him, her eyes flashing. "Do you know what happened to me? Do you really want to know? Well, then, let me tell you. Takagi Kojuurou came to the Shinsengumi compound today. The one who was supposed to be my father. The one who sold me to those slave traders for almost nothing. The one who abandoned me and caused me so much hurt I wanted to die. I lived twelve years in Hell because of him. I was raped, and he wasn't there. He was my father, and he wasn't there!!"
Stunned, Okita said nothing as he digested those awful facts. No wonder she staunchly refused to talk about the exact things that happened to her. Rape??
But she wasn't looking at him, lost in her own thoughts. "I was six. They took me away from my home one night, and I remembered a man laughing at me, telling me that my own father didn't want a little rat like me. They told me I had been sold for twenty mon. And then they forced me to do things…many horrible things. And my trader…he was the worst. He raped me. for the few years I was with him, he kept raping me…beating me when I wasn't satisfactory…" She choked on a sob as she shuddered at the awful memory. "I moved from master to master, and most of them took pleasure in any way they wanted… I--" she pressed her hand against her mouth, stifling a cry as she shut her eyes tightly. "I couldn't stop them, or him. I couldn't--"
In a flash, Okita closed his eyes and pulled her sobbing frame towards him. He felt every little bit of her pain; it cut into him deeply, and it angered him that he couldn't do anything about it. "I didn't know, Jarenna." He whispered softly, hoping she heard it, hoping she heard the sorrow in his voice. "I didn't know…"
She wasn't listening. She had to continue her story, to get everything out before she went mad. "They--they h-hurt me. Badly. I tried to kill myself, but they stopped it, and punished me more. I couldn't die--and I wasn't living. I was--was nothing." She felt his arms tighten around her. And yet she continued, trembling violently. "And then I…I ran away. And…and they followed. And then you came…for the past seven months, I tried to forget. To-to get over it. And I did. It was hard, but slowly, I had learned to forget. I was almost happy…and then he came, and…and I remembered. I remembered everything." She started to cry. "I don't want to remember. I-I don't! It's hurting all over now, eating at me like a disease. It's eating me up. I'm back in the past all over again…and this time, I can't get out…I-I can't."
"No. No, Jarenna." He said tensely, stroking her hair, remembering the madness he'd seen in her eyes all those months ago. Then softly, he spoke again. "Samurai-sama. Save me from the monsters."
She stilled for a moment. Okita went on, his determination growing. "Do you remember? It was the first thing you said to me. And I promised you I would. That promise still stands." Forever.
Once again, he raised her trembling face to look straight at him, wiping away the tears he saw there. He wanted her to know that he meant everything that he said. "You don't live in the past anymore, Jarenna. I saved you then, and you left that place long ago. You live here. Now. You're here. And I'm here with you. No one will ever hurt you again."
"I'm so tired, Souji. I'm just so tired…"
"Then rest," he pressed her head gently into his shoulder as he positioned himself so she lay against him, willing all the strength he had to go into her, to protect her. Jarenna, for tonight, just rest. Let me take the burden of your pain tonight. You have carried it alone long enough. It's time to let go.
"Listen to the silence, Jarenna. It's all over. You've lived it, and I won't allow you to live it again. I'm here now." He closed his eyes and pulled her closer as he felt her trembling decrease. "I'm here, so stay with me, Jarenna. You don't have to stay in that darkness. Stay with me…"
His words echoed in her mind, soothing her, calming her down. Stay with me…
She looked up at him, her eyes wide and lost, a look he desperately never wanted to see again. "Help me…please?"
"I will."
And right here, in his arms, against his chest listening to the comforting sound of his heartbeat, Jarenna knew that somehow, someway, she was going to be all right. He was going to protect her. Her warrior was going to save her.
His words curled around her even as she closed her eyes and finally relaxed, giving in to the exhaustion.
Stay with me.
And far, far away, at the edges of her subconscious, she heard the same words, yet uttered by a different mouth altogether.
…
In the silence of the predawn morning, Yanagi stirred, roused from sweet slumber, something she hadn't had in a long while. For a moment, she couldn't recognize her surroundings, the large arms that were wrapped tightly around her. In the dimness, she saw his face, and relaxed.
Hijikata Toshizou.
The events of last night came flowing back to her, suffusing her with a warm glow and a rare moment of peace. It was cold in the room, but under the blankets, in his arms…she felt only heat.
Adjusting herself slightly so she could look at him properly, she studied his handsome features, wanting to memorize them, wanting to remember so it would keep her content when she left him. Who knew when she would be back again, if ever? For a crazy moment, she considered throwing aside all her responsibilities and staying here with him forever, but she knew it would never happen. She had a job to do, and she would do it.
There was no choice.
She snuggled deeper against him, relishing the feel of his warm, muscular chest against hers. He looked so beautiful when he was sleeping, when the hard lines of his face and his perpetual scowl disappeared, leaving the breathtaking young man she was so much in love with.
The years have been hard on you, my love, she thought sadly, as she brushed her fingers against his cheek, pushing away the inky black strands of hair. He looked so much older now, so much sadder. He would hide all of that from the men, of course, preferring to put on his stern, unyielding face and place all of them at arm's length, but she knew him much better than that. Granted, she hadn't been there for him as much as she'd liked, but she'd been there enough for him to go to her. He was a great man, Hijikata Toshizou. He did great things, and he sacrificed his soul in the process. E adhered to the laws so strictly that he killed his close friend. He had cried then, broken, but not fallen.
But she knew he would never again weep.
Because she had wept enough for the both of them.
He would feel terrible, and Yanagi wanted that, simply because he was a good man, and for all the terrible things he did, she needed him to feel that way, but at the same time, she knew he would never yield. Because like her, everything he loved was at stake, and he had to fight to protect what he had. They fought the same battles, but in a different war altogether.
They'd loved last night with a passion that burned through their veins, consuming them until they could think of nothing else except the feel of flesh on flesh. And now, she was just happy to just…love him.
In this darkness.
In the limbo that no one could enter, where only the two of them existed. It would not last, but that didn't matter. She had never loved anyone else like she loved him, but it wasn't like she could just tell him that. It would be impossible for them to be properly together, considering she only had the life expectancy of a butterfly. Yet…yet she wanted to be with him so badly that it hurt. If you only knew…but then knowing won't change things one bit, ne? It'll cause more hurt than good. Now I know why people like me are alone. Anyone else is a distraction from our calling. I was born to die in battle, but he…he might live through the Revolution. He most probably would. And I most probably won't. I would most likely not be alive tomorrow.
"Stop that." He muttered without opening his eyes.
"Stop what?" she asked, masking her surprise. He's awake all the time?
"Whatever you're doing." He grunted. "Stop it."
How do you expect me to stop loving you? Kami knows I tried. But we're bound together, you and I. Shaking off that thought, she forced a smile and planted a teasing kiss on his lips. "But I like touching you."
He opened his eyes then, and they pierced through her. "Not that. We know this is the way it has to be. So stop feeling sorry for us."
She stiffened. "I wasn't feeling sorry for anyone," she retorted, mildly annoyed. "I was just thinking about us. About…our future."
What a laughable concept. What future would they have together, if they even had one at all? But still, she couldn't help but hope. Maybe…just maybe…
Hijikata stared at her for a long moment, his eyes unreadable. "We'll never have one."
Her answer was a quiet sigh as she looked down, trying to keep the pain from showing. How could he say that so coolly? "I know."
The next thing she knew, she was looking up at him, and he was kissing her. Deeply and passionately. She knew he was never good at expressing himself verbally, and contented herself by making do with whatever she could from his unspoken gestures. It had suddenly occurred to her that, in their years together, he had never once said he loved her. Or even liked her. But she didn't care. She loved him, and that was that.
"What I want from you, I can never have. What's the use of pondering such a pointless topic?" he asked shortly as he pulled away, his eyes dark.
He wants a future. With me. She realized with a jolt. He would never have said that otherwise. And he was right. Going down that road would definitely hurt them more. Hadn't they once agreed on a no-strings-attached relationship? It seemed like a million years ago. She closed her eyes. It was all getting too much for her. The emotion, the hurt…
With great reluctance, she sat up. Her body cried out at the loss of his warmth, but she knew she had to go, and soon, before she lost her resolve. "I must go."
He simply stared at her, his eyes once again unreadable. He knew this was coming. Yet it still hurt so badly everytime. But all his said was, "Aa."
He watched her quietly as she moved silently about the room, slipping into her clothes, arranging them so that she looked presentable, like any other young lady on the street. But he knew she was not like them. She was a warrior in her own right, fighting against the darkness, constantly fighting. She would die for something that was much bigger than a civil war. And even as he observed her movements, he realized that she knew she was probably going to die very soon. She had acted a little strangely last night, almost…desperate.
And the sweet, longing way she'd kissed him then…
He closed his eyes once more, ignoring the tight knot of pain that wound into his heart. A part of him wanted to stop her from leaving, but the other, larger, part, knew that she had no choice. And that he would not have had it any other way. Her calling, like his, lay of the utmost importance. Anything else was a toss-up.
Nonetheless, he stood up, and, pulling his yukata over himself, he strode over, helping her tie her obi knot. She looked up at him in surprise, but he did not bother to reply. She was going to leave him for a very long time, probably for ever. It was the least he could do.
"I'm sorry," she said finally.
He glared at her, eyes flashing. "Never say that, Weeping Willow. I will not stand for it." He hated weakness. She knew that.
Gathering herself, she nodded and smiled, but her brilliant blue eyes were not as bright as they had been. Sliding open the shoji door quietly, she looked out into the darkness and took a deep breath. The rain had stopped, leaving a cool, dewy atmosphere in its wake. It was as if the world had been washed clean. "It's a beautiful morning."
He came up behind her and slipped his arms around her waist, feeling her warmth against him. "Aa."
She could stay awhile, she knew she could. Turning her head slightly, she closed her eyes as she felt his lips on hers once more, infinitely gentle and loving. It was his way of saying goodbye.
Finally, she pulled away and took a breath. She really had to go. The first rays of the sun had already touched the horizon, and she had to hurry before it was too late. "I have to--"
He finally spoke, his voice quiet. "You're always leaving."
"It's what I do." She agreed. "But I always return."
His reply was clipped. "Will you, this time?"
She hesitated, not knowing what to say. He pinned her with his gaze, but said nothing else. She could've said yes, to make them all feel better, but Tsukino Yanagi hated lying to the ones she loved. She kept silent.
His next words held a tinge of bitterness. "You've never once answered that question."
She lowered her head. "You've never liked liars, Toshi." Refusing to look at him, Yanagi headed outside, then stopped. Before she went, she needed to tell him something. To let him know how she felt before she--well, before. "I…I love you, Toshizou."
She felt his surprise. She waited for a few seconds, waiting for his reply, but there was none. But then again, what the heck were you expecting?!
Finally, her heart sinking, she started to walk, until she heard a single. "Aa."
I guess that's all I'm going to get from him, she said with a bittersweet smile as she walked away from the only man she would ever love. But then again, that's more than some people will ever get. "Sayonara, Toshi."
Never forget me.
…
A/N:
It's an emotional heavyweight, this chapter. I almost cried when Yanagi left, which is the lamest of the lame. Which author--'cept JK Rowling--cries? Urgh. Anyway, did you guys like it? This shows Jarenna's weakest moments, and the reason why she broke down so badly was because no matter what she said, she still wasn't over the entire ordeal--the dreams she'd been having are hints to her true emotional state--and seeing her father once more…well, you know.
This also shows another side to Hijikata-sama, that he is essentially, still a person. Hmmm…I don't know what else to say, though, so I'll end off here! Ja! Drop me a comment and tell me what you think, and what you want to see, ne? Domo arigato!
Akayama Kaoru: Hmm, I like the name. What does Akayama stand for? And no, Akira is another person…Ayu-nee's currently off spying, ne? I lengthened the timespan to make it more…personable, I think. To be able to get information, you've got to stay at a place long enough to garner the trust, ne?
Haha, now you know who the visitors are, yes? Hahahaha, thanks for reviewing the latest chapter, it's greatly appreciated! And anyway, keep updating your PMK Tetsu fic. I like it!
Azngangurl16: I hope you enjoyed this!
Jade eyed neko: Haha, really? Thanks so much! But Harada's mostly in character, though. In the PMK series they're so alike it's freaky! And yeah, it doesn't seem to work out between Jarenna and Okita-sama, ne? The course of true love never did run smooth….
Icy Blossom: Of course Jarenna and Okita-san are gonna be happy in the end! At the very end, though. There's still so much that they've yet to go through…sigh…why did I even have to make it so sad? Oh well. And hmm, maybe I should find Saizou a girlfriend. A piggy girlfriend, bwahahahahahahaha!!