Ohayo!!!! Hello all! I am sooo sorry! Was very busy, what with the reopening of school and the truckload of papers to finish and all. How are you guys?? Missed the times when I can write without worrying about whether I would be kicked out of class the next day because I handed in my assignment late…sigh, such is life. Anyway, enjoy!!

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Jarenna pulled her thick coat tighter around herself. Strange how the cold seemed to be able to seep through the woolen material and make her shiver. It was the coldest part of the night, and her face felt numb. Winter was drawing nearer and nearer with each passing day, and it brought with it a strange sort of barrenness she felt a mild affinity for.

The gentle gurgle of the river and the silence comforted her. It was still dark, but at least it wasn't pitch black, thanks to the tiny sliver of the sun's rays that were barely visible in the horizon. She knew she had to get back soon, she had things to do tomorrow, but for now she just wanted to sit and have some time to herself before she went insane.

"How many boats have you counted floating by?" The soft, gentle voice made her jump as she whirled around to face the speaker. He was just behind her, and she marvelled the fact that he could sneak up so close without her knowing. Nothing less from the First Squad Captain of the Shinsengumi.

"Okita-san! How did you find me here?" She made sure to find a place where no one would think of finding her, and here he was, standing before her in his customary white kimono and a dark blue haori over it. He looked like he'd just gotten out of bed. His face was calm, but she saw the mixture of worry and relief in his clear eyes.

So he had been worried and relieved for her, and that realization made her feel worse. She'd come here to get away, to sort out her thinking, but it seemed like Fate would not allow her even this slight reprieve.

"It doesn't matter where you run, Jarenna. I'll always find you. Whether in a crowd or in no man's land." He paused and smiled. "I'm glad you're all right. It's dangerous out here."

She turned away. "I want to be alone, Okita-san."

"You've been alone long enough."

She shifted uncomfortably as he sat himself down next to her. Okita could be really thick if he wanted to. "I need t—"

His voice was quiet. "Why are you avoiding me?"

Jarenna stopped, finding herself quite unable to say anything to that. There was nothing she could hide from him, could she? Nonetheless, she managed. "I-I wasn't."

He coughed, stifling it as best as he could. "You've never been good at lying, you know."

How do I say this? "You've done too much for me already, and I appreciate that, but you really shouldn't be here. You've got more important things to do with your time. I'm not worth that."

Okita was startled at those words. Where had she gotten that from? It seemed so sudden, her avoidance and now what she was saying… "I promised you I'd help you. I don't plan on breaking that."

So it was just about the promise, after all. The guilt she felt gnawing at her intensified. She knew that a warrior never broke his word, and it hurt that she had been the one who had bound him to it, after all. "Then I release you from it."

A long silence. "I want to help you."

She closed her eyes. "Okita-san, stop wasting your time on me. It's useless."

He looked sharply at her, taking in her forlorn expression. "Stop talking like that, Jarenna. What happened to the strong, optimistic girl I know?" And love?

She laughed, a bitter, heartwrenching sound. "That girl is a lie. This is the real me, a pathetic, trashy nobody."

He stared at her for a long moment, stunned. Jarenna, you save lives, no matter how slim the chances of surviving are…why can't you use that determination to save yourself, too? "Jarenna…"

She didn't reply; just looked out to the river. It was after a long time that she finally spoke, haltingly at first. "It's not…not fair, you know. I can't even bring myself to hate him. I can't even hold on to something as simple as that. I hate that all he has to do is apologize and kneel and everything just goes away but the hurt. It hurts so much because I can't hate him, and I can't forget and I feel myself just letting go and now everything is just…empty. I'm empty. He made me lose everything I had, and now he's taking away my anger and now—" she knew she was rambling. "Now I'm nothing. Nothing. I can't even call myself a weakling, because at least weak people have something to hold on to." She took a breath and wiped at her eyes.

"To forgive is not a sign of weakness, Jarenna. You have to let that go, because the past does not make you who you are now. To err is human, and to forgive, divine. You should be happy that you have that in you, because there are many, many people I know who simply can't forgive, and they lived out their days in misery. Will you be happier if you could hold on to that anger for life? Would it make you really happy?"

"But I don't want to forgive! I hate that he gets let off so easily! But he's my father, and I understand that he had no choice, and that he wasn't the one who did all those horrible things…but a part of me just wants to hurt him the way he caused me to hurt…"

He touched her shoulder gently, understanding her feelings all too well. He kept silent, knowing that having someone to listen to her would make all the difference. This was something he knew she had to work out and—

—Okita's hand immediately flew to his mouth as he coughed, the powerful spasms rendering him useless to try to even tamper it down. It was times like this that he hated, being unable to control the mysterious coughing that came upon him once in a while.

Jarenna's eyes were on him immediately. "Okita-san, are you all right?"

His lungs burning, he managed a weak nod. "I-I'm fine. It's just a cough."

"It sounds bad."

He smiled faintly, more to reassure her than anything else. She had so much on her mind right now; it was unfair to burden her with anything else. "It always looks worse than it really is."

She didn't look too convinced, but nodded anyway, sensing that it wasn't something he wanted to talk about. "Oh."

There was a few more minutes of silence before Jarenna finally looked up and spoke. "Can you stay with me, please? I don't want to be alone."

"I will." He paused for a moment before reaching over to tuck a lock of her hair behind her ear. He felt her tense slightly at the touch, but did not pull away. "You've always been a strong, brave girl, Jarenna. You've lived through your horrors, which is so much more than anyone could bear, and yet you still manage to live your life with a smile. Don't let a man tear that down. He does not deserve that honor. Keep smiling, because you never know who's going to fall in love with it."

Fall in love?

Before she knew it, he caressed her face, his fingers electric against her skin. His normally large, innocent eyes were narrowed slightly, as it always was when he was serious about something. His eyes ticked down to her lips, lingering there for a good long while before locking with her eyes and sending her heartbeat racing to a mile a minute. He was so close, so close…

"Okita-san," she stiffened and pulled away from his touch, her heart pounding in her ears. What was he thinking? "I-I can't. You're with Kimiko. You can't do this."

Okita was baffled. Where did Kimiko come in in all of this? "What? Kimiko?"

"She loves you."

"And I don't. What makes you think she's with me?"

Jarenna frowned. "She isn't?"

"No, of course not! Where did you get that silly idea from?"

"But I saw you and her together in the kitchen--"

Okita laughed softly and shook his head. Dear, dear Jarenna. Was that one of the reasons why she had been distancing herself from him? "I was looking for you to give you that poetry book, and when I was about to leave, you and Sano came in."

"Oh." So they weren't together, after all. She didn't know why, really, but it seemed like a weight had been lifted off her.

He turned serious once more and took her hand, delicate and cold in his grasp. "I'm not with her, Jarenna. The person I really want to be with is you."

Jarenna stared up at him, her eyes wide and shocked. It was a few seconds before she managed to form coherent words. "What?"

In all his life, Okita Souji had never felt as nervous as he had right now. What would she probably say to that? Inwardly, he marvelled at the thought that he could still feel something like that. He had never had that kind of feeling before, the rush of anticipation and the fear of rejection. He'd always been accepted by everyone because of his prowess with the sword, but now it didn't matter, did it? No matter how good he was with the sword, it wasn't going to matter to Jarenna. It was clear that she didn't really care if he was the greatest or not, not like most of the women who were turned on by hitokiri. And for once, he felt uncertain, unsure of himself and where, exactly, he stood with her.

Jarenna, on the other hand, was stunned into silence. Did he say what she just thought he said??! She resisted the urge to pinch herself, to test whether she was dreaming. That look in his eyes… she'd never seen him look like that before. He looked so intense, so serious…he meant it.

But so what? A snide voice in the back on her mind mocked. You're not good enough for the likes of him. It's not like you're untouched. He doesn't need someone like you dragging him down. What will the others say about him when they find out what I am?

She closed her eyes. It hurt so much more now. If he hadn't said he wanted to be with her, maybe it would be better, because she could discount it all to wishful thinking on her part, but now…it was just not possible. She'd been used by men so many times, and he knew that. Was it pity that drove him to say what he said?

"Love is not pity or charity, Jarenna," he said firmly, and she realized that she'd spoken that aloud. "It's for the exact same reason why I would not accept Kimiko, no matter how much she loves me. I don't pity you." He paused and decided to go in for the plunge. What else did he have to lose? "I…I love you."

Oh, Kami…

Jarenna shook her head. "It's impossible between us, Okita-san. I'm not pure, I'm definitely not innocent, and I'm just a maid." She looked straight at him, wishing with all her heart that he would understand. "With your station, you deserve someone much better."

"You're just a woman, Jarenna." He spoke, feeling his heart sinking. "And I'm just a man. Right now, with you, I'm none of those things you envision me to be. I'm just like you."

"I…" She didn't know what to do, or even say. A part of her just wanted to fall into his arms and say she loved him, but another part, a bigger part, knew that he would regret it eventually. Who would want someone who was used by men so many times? Who would want someone like her?

He held her gaze in for a long moment, and Jarenna saw the love that shone there, honest and open for all to see. It was something that she'd dreamed of, but right now, in this reality, she knew she could not say yes. She was not fit for him, period. No matter how much it hurt, she would resist, for his sake. He would find someone better than her.

But before she could say anything, she realized that he was kissing her. It was an amazing feeling, his mouth soft and warm against hers, and for the moment, all her coherent thoughts faded away.

Just this once, she thought blissfully as she sank into the kiss, melting into his arms. She knew she could never resist him. Just this once…

His tongue slid into her mouth, a welcome invasion that weakened her resolve to say no. The once-gentle kiss was very rapidly becoming passionate as he held her close, unable to get enough of her sweet, warm taste. And the scent of summer roses broke the link between his brain and his body, as he, consumed by passion, delved further into the kiss, wanting—needing— to complete his possession of her.

She's mine, he thought as he pulled her closer, feeling her warmth through her clothes and yearning for more. He barely resisted the urge demand for more, more of what he knew she was not yet ready to give.

And then she was pushing against him, struggling to be free. Sliding out of his grasp, she had tears in her eyes as she shook her head. "I-I can't do this."

Okita drew back, stunned. "Can't do what?"

"Whatever we're doing. I'm sorry, Okita-san. I just…I can't."

He was crushed. "Why not?"

"I-we cannot be together, don't you understand? You're—"

"No, I don't understand! I don't care what you are, or what happened to you. Why do you have to be so mindful of that?"

"Sooner or later, Okita-san, you will. I am no longer a virgin. I was raped not once, but many times. I am a ruined woman. You'll regret loving me."

"What part of 'I don't care' do you not understand, Jarenna?" he demanded, feeling her slip farther and farther away from him. "I know what happened, and I don't care, because I love you!"

"You don't even know who I really am! You don't see who I really am. You only see the side of me I let all of you see. I—"

"I know who you are, Jarenna! Do you think I didn't see all the fear, the hurt, the anger that you had? Do you think I'm that blind? I see you, Jarenna." His voice softened as he reached out and touched her cheek. "I see you. Not what you went through, or what you think you are. You're just Jarenna. You're the only person I see."

She covered her ears, not willing to hear any more. Her will to leave was slipping away, and she could not afford that. Once she went to him, she knew there would be no turning back, for him or for her. And the fact that he loved her made it all worse. Why couldn't he just understand where she was coming from? Why did he have to make it so difficult?? "Stop it, Okita-san, just stop it! I don't want to hear that anymore!"

She saw the pain in his eyes and hated herself even more then. It was something that she'd never wanted or expected, and yet she knew she had to go through with it, to save them all the pain and the heartache that would come later. "I-I have to go."

She turned to leave, but he caught her wrist. "No."

She met his gaze with surprising steadfastness. "Let me go, Okita-san."

"Do you love me?"

Jarenna stopped. It was the question she'd kept asking herself, something that haunted her everytime she saw him. Something, she knew, every lover asked of their partners. And now he was asking it of her. Did she?

It was useless to lie to him; it would only cheapen their relationship—or whatever it was now—and his respect for her would be gone. But how can I tell him that I've loved him since the moment I laid eyes on him? "Nothing can ever come out of it, Okita-san."

Stunned at her words, he released his grip. Feeling the tears pricking at her eyes once more, she turned away to leave, but was halted at his next words. "All you ever do is turn away."

This time, she felt the tears, icy hot against her cheek as she felt her heart break once more. "I'm sorry, Okita-san. I'm sorry."

He lowered his gaze. "I'm not letting go of you, Jarenna. For as long as you love me, I will not let you go."

She did not look at him as she ran.

…

Jarenna was burning up.

Her brain was pounding furiously against her skull, threatening to mar her vision. Junko-san had been coming in and out for the past couple of days to put a new cold compress against her forehead. The stress of the past few weeks and the prolonged exposure to the bitter cold two days ago had taken a serious toll on her already weakened health. She slipped in and out from sleep, alternately throwing blankets off or bundling herself up in them. She'd already taken the medicine Junko-san had given her, but it would need time to take effect. Even then, she was not spared a scolding from the well-meaning old woman, who reprimanded her the day before for going out so late at night, what with the weather rapidly turning cold and all. Jarenna did not say a word as she had been too sleepy to even think.

Even Kimiko had dropped by and wished her well, after subtly trying to pry about what happened between her and Okita earlier and failing.

I hate falling sick, she thought blearily as her pounding headache eased slightly. The medicine Junko-san had given her was making her perspire, and she threw off the covers, feeling very uncomfortable. The cold compress burned ice-hot against her fevered skin, and she coughed, a violent, dry cough that shook her up and made the tears roll from her cheeks.

I must be having a really bad virus, she thought as she replaced the compress back on her head. It came out of nowhere, and it surprised her, what with her runny nose and all, that it was dry. Shouldn't it be with phlegm or something?

She dismissed that thought as quickly as it occurred to her, more occupied with the chores that were waiting for her. Who was going to do them? It would be an added strain to Junko-san and the other maids. Silently, she chastised herself for being so stupid as to stay out for so long and get herself sick, inconveniencing everyone in the process. But the events two days ago were not without their own merit. She had felt better about the entire thing now. She was still angry, but she was determined not to let his current presence destroy her. Slowly but surely, she would try putting it behind her again and start afresh. She was so tired with living in the past, something which brought nothing but pain to her. Okita-san's earlier words still rang in her head, and she took comfort in them, while trying her hardest to block the later words and the kiss that came after that. She did not need this now. She needed to get better.

Which means that I need to sleep, she thought as her eyes, suddenly heavy, fluttered shut.

…

"Okita-san, what's the matter?" Tetsu cocked his head to the side and regarded his friend quizzically. He had been in a strangely somber mood for the past couple of days, and it didn't help that he'd been coughing a little more than usual. Something was wrong, but what? The man didn't even pay as much attention to Saizou, which, in itself, was disturbing, and he was in the dojo the whole day, practicing. He hardly ever did that, as far as Tetsu knew.

Okita looked up from his shinai with a smile that didn't quite reach his eyes. "Tetsu-kun. Did you want something?"

And he obviously hadn't been listening. Something was really up. Tetsu frowned. "I asked if you were all right. You're not quite yourself these couple of days. Is anything wrong or something?"

"I was just thinking."

"It must be very important, then." The boy observed, then he hesitated for a moment before carrying on. This was his friend, after all, and he looked like he needed someone to talk to. "You look…sad."

"Is it that obvious?" He acknowledged, continuing to swing his shinai, putting a little more force than usual into the blows.

Tetsu, for one, had never seen Okita-san look like that before. He was always happy and smiling, though, occasionally, he showed his other, less happy side. But it was never this long. "Well. Do you want to train with me? You can teach me new stuff. I wanted to learn that mo--"

"Not today, Tetsu-kun. I'm not in too good a mood today, I'm afraid. I might end up killing you or something." His inability to temper his strength according to the situation was notorious, and he knew that. He didn't want to seriously hurt his young friend, especially when his thoughts were full of her.

He did not miss Tetsu's look of surprise--he'd never refused an offer to spar before--and kept silent.

The boy studied him for a moment. "Is it…about Yukijurou-san?"

Okita stopped and stared at him, surprised. Had he been taking psychic lessons from Hajime or something? "What?"

"It's about Yukijurou-san, isn't it?"

"How did you know?"

Tetsu rolled his eyes. "It's so obvious, Okita-san. I might be young, but I'm not stupid. Everytime you and her are together, it's like there's no one else around or something. Harada-san thinks it's funny as hell."

"Harada-san?" Okita frowned. Even he knew?

"Yeah, he said that the two of you looked sweet together. He's got his sights set on an oiran from Shimabara now. I think. Said that he didn't think Yukijurou-san and he would be compatible."

"He really said that?"

"Yeah. A couple of days ago, when he saw you and Yukijurou-san coming back together." The boy eyed him shrewdly. "You uh, you love her, don't you?"

He lowered his eyes and went back to practicing once more. Since Tetsu-kun knew so much, it wouldn't hurt to confide in him. At least a little. "Yes."

"So…" Tetsu began, unsure of what to say, but wanting to know what happened nonetheless. "Did you tell her that?"

"Yes." The answer was noncommittal.

Come on, Okita-san, don't be all Broody Man now… Tetsu thought. If he wanted to get more answers, he was going to have to pry some more.

"And…um…she didn't say she loved you?"

A hard swing. "She did."

This time Tetsu really was confused. "Then why are you so sad? She loves you, doesn't she?…Did she hurt you?"

Okita didn't reply to that. Instead, he simply shook his head and prepared for another swing. "Love. Why does it hurt so? Maybe it's because we love too much and too deep that sometimes we forget to keep a little for ourselves…"

Okay. That really did not make sense. Tetsu frowned. Okita-san had a bittersweet smile on his face, and it looked like he was talking more to himself than to him. "Okita-san?"

"I don't expect you to understand, Tetsu-kun. You'll know when you get older. But just remember this: it doesn't matter what she does as long as you love her. Remember to keep telling your loved one that. Remember to make her understand."

…

She was seeing things.

The quiet sound of rustling and of water bring wrung out of cloth had woken Jarenna from her sleep, and right now Jarenna was simply staring at the young woman who had her face.

Her twin.

Tokio reached over and put a cold compress on her head with a smile. "Hello, sister."

She definitely was seeing things.

When did she get here?? "I…I'm dreaming, right?" her voice came out slightly hoarse.

The smile grew, and she even had the exact same smile Jarenna had. "Of course not! Well, at least I think you're not." Jarenna could see her eyes misting over. "I missed you, Jarenna. I missed you very much."

Despite her sickness, Jarenna felt something in her heart twist. She had missed her twin--her other half--too, and had thought about her constantly, but she felt a strange sense of distance separating them even now. Was she still the same person Jarenna had played with and loved all those years ago? Did she still remember what Tokio had been like? She didn't know. All those memories had been overshadowed by the years she'd spent as a slave, and she wasn't sure what was what anymore.

And now that her twin was here…

She was spared from saying anything more as Tokio touched her hand comfortingly. "Rest and get well, Jarenna. Then we'll talk. We have a lot to talk about, you and I…"

Feeling strangely comforted, Jarenna closed her eyes once more.

…

Okita felt his presence even before he sat down beside him. "Souji."

"What is it, Hijikata-san?"

The older man suddenly looked so much older to him, and Okita wondered if he, too, was troubled by something. His mentor hardly showed fatigue, preferring very much to put on the mask of a tireless working machine, but Okita knew better.

"Stop moping around. It's pathetic."

Okita blinked, looking up from petting Saizou. "What?"

He took a long drag of his pipe and exhaled slowly, not looking at him. "It's just a woman. It's not the end of the world."

Okita frowned, not really understanding where he was getting at. He was just taking a break before he went out patrolling again. "I'm not moping. I'm thinking."

"Is she even worth so much of your time?" He asked dismissively.

Oh. So that's it. "Hijikata-san. You're thinking about Yanagi-san again, aren't you?"

"That has nothing to do with you." He replied brusquely.

Okita stifled a grin. Whenever he acted like a bigger jerk than usual, more often than not it had to be her. "So it's not about me after all, ne? Don't worry, Hijikata-san. She'll re—"

"She's never coming back."

The younger man caught the look of sadness in his eyes and tensed slightly. "What do you mean?"

"Exactly that." Hijikata's customary mask slid back into place as he stood back up and laid a hand on Okita's shoulder. "We have more important things to worry about, Souji. Women are not everything. Even if one is gone, just look around and plenty more are ready to take her place."

"You don't mean that," he said quietly, looking at the Vice-Chief steadily, sensing the bitter undertone of his voice. Hijikata-san would never mean that, or else he would have taken another lover already and not put up with rumors that he was gay.

"You'll be surprised."

"I'll never believe that."

"Then you're a fool."

As he left, Okita stared down at Saizou and murmured. "Maybe I am, Hijikata-san, maybe I am."

…

A/N: I read up on TB and it's symptoms, and I realized that what with Jarenna's weak health constitution and all, it would probably be more likely that she'll get infected…hmmm…I don't know what to make of it yet…anyway, what do you think of the chapter? I hope I didn't make Okita look too much of a lovesick fool, 'cause Hijikata's definitely acting like a lovesick jerk.

Well, anyway, I guess that's how anyone would react when their loved one leaves you forever without a definite reason why…sigh…poor Toshi…

Jarenna seems a little whiny in here, but then again, not being a virgin in those times is equal to being a social outcast or something, and Jarenna has always had a bit of a self-esteem problem, and to top it off, she's stubborn as hell. Hmm, Okita should do something about that, which he does in the next few chapters, of which you guys shall just have to wait it out… :evil grin:

To my beloved reviewers:

Akayama Kaoru:

Hello again!! Always a joy replying to your reviews. :grins: And yeah, I really like your name. It sounds pretty impressive, for some reason.

But then again, Kimiko is essentially a good person, although immature at times. I mean, normal people would tend to do that too, ne? And after all, she's somewhat self-deluded, 'cause she thinks that Jarenna was the reason Okita would be like that towards her.

And yeah, I wonder if her father means it, though… :sly smirk: What do you think?

Anyway, I hope you liked this chapter!

Jade eyed neko:

Hey there, girl! I'm so sorry I took so long to put up the next chappie…Yeah, there definitely is a lot between Okita and Jarenna, a lot of things are keeping them apart, and the most ironic thing is that the main thing that is separating them is herself…sigh. Irony much? I am so happy you think that this is a good piece of work, haha! Thank you so very much!

Aznfangirl

Hey-ey!! Thanks for your review, lol. You like my story? :blushes: One of the best compliments a writer can ever get, haha. Hope you enjoyed this chapter!