(Pain and guilt)

(The return of humanity)

The dark clad figure hasted away from the hospital, oblivious to everyone and everything. A person that saw her would probably draw the conclusion that she was drunk, from her unsteady walk. But the wobbling didn't come from a fog of alcohol. It came from the tears that clouded her sight.

As countless memories of past crimes assaulted Drusilla, she felt like screaming and never stop. How could she? Old people, young people, children, disabled. She had killed all kinds of people, without a shred of conscience. How could it happen? How could she have become what she hated the most?

The answer came to her like a punch to the stomach. And she threw up what little of Buffy's blood that hadn't been taken up in her own bloodstream yet.

The memories of Angelus's games with her, how he had forced her to watch her entire family die, his continuing torture of her and everyone that had ever meant anything to her, him screwing with her mind, and raping her body, again and again.

And there was nothing she could do to prevent it. He had on purpose taken her sanity. Knowing that was the only way he could ever turn her. And she knew what had happened now.

The massive amount of Slayer blood had given her the strength to break the bonds of insanity. And therefore her soul had returned, to be the source of her pain. Now she was truly cursed. Even though no one had cursed her.

She thought of Angel. How could he have lived with all this pain, this mind shattering pain? A pain so intense it threatened with driving her insane again, but not this time. She held onto her sanity with all the might she had. How did Angel manage it?

"Dear God! Help me!" she cried to the heavens. "How am I supposed to go on?"

She leant against a wall, as deep sobs wracked her body while the memories from what happened in Prague plagued her. All the hideous crimes she had done before she was injured after a fight with a team of demon hunters. God bless them. They had nearly managed to kill both her and Spike.

Dear William, sweet innocent loving William, she remembered it as if it was yesterday. How it was to watch Angelus torture him close to death, before he turned him. Will never realised the consequences of his fear of death. When he woke up, he was no longer William, her dear boyfriend. He had become one of the cruellest demons in the world, William the Bloody. The one that later would be called Spike, because of his obsessive fondness of railroad spikes.

For some reason he had kept his capability to love her as did she towards him. But now their love had become something twisted. Something evil. Deeply perverted, as they became the undead world's Bonnie and Clyde.

 And now her soul was back. And to her great despair, she found that she still loved him. In some strange way, she still loved him. And at the same time she hated the demon. She knew that they were two entirely different entities. But she also knew without hesitation that the demon loved her too. And she couldn't stand the thought of it.

But worst of everything was what her thoughts always came back to: the guilt. Guilt beyond imagination for what she had done. And two faces kept coming back before her eyes in between all the others. Kendra's fear stricken eyes as she slit her throat, and the same expression in Buffy's as she had her life force drained out of her.

As the night went on she continued to walk without purpose or direction. She just kept on walking, in a subconscious way trying to run from the memories. But of course it didn't work.

As she sensed the first omens of the sun in the air, she had reached the park. And she knew what she had to do. She turned against where the sun would come up, and waited. Only to find that the rays of sun did nothing but warming her body that was shivering of coldness after the night.

And as she stood there, she could feel the unmistakable thuds of her own heartbeats. Not only had her soul returned, but her life and humanity too.

She fell to the ground shivering from coldness, in body and soul. Crying in deep violent sobs. How long she lay there, she didn't know. But gradually the sun grew stronger and surrounded her with warmth. Oddly soothing warmth. Finally the sobs stopped and she rose to her feet.

Get a grip, she tried to tell herself. You got to get your act together. And not act like a depressed child. If Angel could deal with all the heinous acts of Angelus, you surely should be able to deal with your far fewer.

She wiped away her tears as a plan started to form in her head. She started walking back to the lair. She had to get going. Don't think, just act. Don't think, or you won't be able to continue. Back at the lair she took with her all the money and everything of value she could find.

Luckily Spike was not there. He had been much away in the last few weeks. She didn't know why. But she feared he was up to something big. She laid all the things in the back trunk of the car, got behind the wheel. And left for LA.

The first thing she did as she arrived the City of Angels, was to get some new clothes.

She was quite shocked about what women dressed in these days. She knew everything had changed, but this much? Some of the dresses she saw were almost non-existent. The colours were so bright. And the clothes clung to the body in a way that would have been considered more than indecent in her days.

But in a way she really liked the fashion of today. It was just so different for a woman that had been used to wear black full covering dresses for a hundred years.

Finally after visiting God alone knew how many shops, she finally ended up with a pair of black suede leather pants and a simple white shirt. At the same shop she bought some other clothes, and then left for a hairdresser.

An hour later she looked at herself in a mirror for the first time in a hundred years. And what she saw pleased her. Looking back at her was a beautiful redhead that radiated strength and determination. And most of all someone who knew what she was doing.

A complete turn from the insane vampiress she was last night.

Then she got herself an apartment. Not a very nice one, but at least she had someplace to stay. By this time she was very tired, and was starting to feel kind of sick to her stomach. She stopped up and massaged her tummy as it made strange noises. Then she suddenly realised what it was. It was hunger. Food hunger. A feeling she had never expected to feel again.

She went to a café and got some food. As she sat in a corner and marvelled over the taste of food, the simple truth hit her. She was now truly human, in every aspect. Well, apart from her powers. They were far beyond human, even more now than when she was a vampire.

A quiet sob forced its way up her throat, as her steel hard self-control shattered into a thousand pieces. She was lonely, and miserable. She was the only one of her kind in the whole world.

She was the only one of her kind that had ever been turned. And now she was back, immensely stronger than before.

But no power in the universe could make up for her past crimes. And she knew it. She didn't deserve forgiveness. She didn't deserve to live.

After a while she got a hold of her self, and continued to eat her now almost cold dinner.

Afterwards, she walked around in the streets for hours. As the city was swept in the dark cape of the night, she was still walking. Periodically crying. She was entering a back alley, when she suddenly felt the old pain in her stomach. And seconds later she heard a scream.

Drusilla started to run as fast as she could. And as she rounded a corner she saw a vampire lean in for the bite on a young man. "Hey! Let the guy be, and try someone your own size," she growled. She bent down and picked up a piece of broken plank. The vampire let his victim run away, and walked towards her.

"Who are you to interfere in my hunt?" he said, full game face on.

"I am your worst nightmare." She said.

She released a roundhouse kick that sent him into a wall. So hard, cracks appeared in the wall around him. Before he could get back on his feet, she bent over him. And as she forced the sharp piece of wood through his hart, she felt the old power rush running through her veins. Like a long forgotten, but dear melody.

And finally she knew how to go on. She should have known instantly. After all Angel had shown the way.

It was time for her to take her destiny back. As she walked back to her apartment, for the first time since her resurrection she felt some amount of inner peace. She had found a reason to go on.

That night she went on the hunt for the first time since her soul returned, but not to drain some innocent victim of its blood. No. Now it was time for her to again take up her sacred duty.

She found that she still possessed all her vampiric powers, in tenfold. And on top of the powers of her kind, it made her virtually unstoppable.

And her magic powers were equally stronger since her brain no longer was clouded by insanity.

As she went to bed that night she was tired, and her muscles ached after being pushed to the limits for the first time in a very long time. She fell asleep almost instantly after laying her head on the pillow. She slept like a child, almost half the night before the nightmares started.

And she got out of her bed. Pacing the floor, as memories from the past caught up with her. Setting the standard for her nights for as far into the future she could see. 

The end of chapter three