Gordon heard laughter above piano music as he walked into the house. He headed for the family room where the sounds were coming from. The music was Virgil, playing the piano, the storm cloud still on his face. The laughter was coming from the rest of the family, well except for John. While the rest were laughing Jon was sitting on the couch with a smile on his face.
'At least he's smiling,' Gordon thought to himself.
"Hey Gordo, come join us," Scott said seeing his brother standing in the doorway.
"What are you guys doing?" Gordon asked walking toward the group.
"Looking at some old photographs and sharing memories," Scott told him as Alan held a picture up to Gordon.
Gordon took a look at the photograph and then looked toward John and then his father. The look he gave his father clearly asked 'is this a good idea'. Jeff nodded trying to tell Gordon it was okay. John seemed to be handling it well and was the happiest he had seen his boy in a while. John rarely smiled anymore and he had a smile on his face most of the night.
John didn't miss the silent exchange between his father and Gordon. He had been catching little exchanges like that between his family all day long. He had tried to ignore it but he couldn't do it any more.
"Will everyone just stop it," John said from his place on the couch. His voice was louder than normal and got everyone's attention. Even Virgil missed a note on the piano but kept going. Everyone else looked toward the normally quiet blonde. "Stop looking to each other for approval on how to act around me. I'm not blind. Granted I did a stupid thing but you don't have to walk on egg shells around me."
"John relax," Scott said. "You're overreacting."
"Oh am I," John said his voice rising a little more as he stood up. "Are you saying you didn't look at Dad earlier when I walked into the room to see if this whole trip down memory lane was a good idea."
Scott looked down at the coffee table and the pictures on it. John was right. He couldn't deny it.
"John, your brothers and I are just worried about you." Jeff said quietly. He stood up and started toward his son. John immediately backed away.
"Leave me alone," John yelled.
Jeff stopped where he was without going any closer to his son. Jeff had only seen his second eldest lose his temper once and that was with him. When Scott had tried to console his brother John had lashed out and broke Scott's nose. John had been very apologetic afterwards but Jeff knew anyone going near him could be trouble.
"John we just want to help you," Jeff told him calmly.
"I know you do, but all I want is for you to treat me normally. Stop treating me like one little wrong word is going to send me off the deep end. Just being with you all is helping. I know I haven't been too open about what I'm feeling inside but its hard after years of keeping it to myself but keep offering, keep talking about it, about the past," John told them holding up a picture he had in his hand. "Just knowing I won't be put off when I'm ready to talk about it is enough for now."
"Look, I know what I did was stupid. Call it a momentarily lack of judgement. I know I scared everyone. I see that every time I look at Alan. Every time I look at Gordon who has no idea how to act around me. Who hasn't said two words to me because I know he's afraid of saying the wrong thing."
Gordon looked down at the floor. He didn't think he was so transparent.
Scott opened his mouth to say something but John didn't give him the chance.
"And the two of you," he continued looking at Scott and Jeff, "quit blaming yourself. It wasn't your fault. It was my choice. Stop trying to shield me from everything. I'm stronger than you give me credit for but if you protect me from the smaller things when something comes up that you can't protect me from then I won't have any idea how to handle it. Don't be afraid to let me fall because as long as I know the two of you will be there to help me back up then I know I'm going to be fine."
Scott and Jeff looked at each other. Both understood exactly what John was talking about.
All this while Virgil had continued to play the piano. He was trying to ignore what was going on but he wasn't being that successful. He heard every word his brother was yelling. As a result the piano playing wasn't as smooth as usual. Still he kept forging on.
"At least Virgil isn't afraid to show how he is feeling and even though he hates me right now I at least know where I stand with him," John told them his voice lowering a little bit.
Virgil finally stopped playing. John's words had finally gotten to him. 'Even though he hates me right now," were the words that stuck with him. Did he really hate John? No, he hated what he tried to do. He was mad at John for shutting him out. Mad at Dad and Scott for causing him to shut him out. Mad at himself for letting John shut him out. But hate, no he didn't hate his brother. He couldn't ever hate his brother. He wanted to tell John that but he couldn't find the words.
"Virgil has every right to feel the way he does," John continued. "I don't like what I've done to this family but unless we all deal with our reactions openly its just going to tear this family apart." John could feel the tears threatening to spill and fought to hold them back. "I don't want to be responsible for that," he said. His words were just above a whisper as the tears started to choke him up.
John headed for the door that Gordon had just walked in. He didn't want to break down in front of his family again. He felt Gordon try to get a hold of his arm as he walked by but kept on walking.
As the front door closed behind John, Virgil got up from the piano. He headed in the same direction as John had just headed.
Scott moved to get up but Jeff put a hand on his eldest son's arm.
"Let them have some time," Jeff told him. As Scott nodded Jeff let go his arm.
"John," Virgil yelled as he headed down the steps after his brother. "John, please wait," Virgil cried again. He finally saw his brother stop by the diving pool and turn in his direction.
As Virgil came onto the patio level of the diving pool he didn't stop. He did something he had wanted to do ever since his father had told him about what happened. He threw his arms around his brother and hugged him fiercely.
At first, Virgil's reaction took John by surprise but then he returned his brother's hug. He felt tears streaming down his face. As much as he hadn't wanted to cry in front of one of his brother's again Virgil's hug had put him over the edge.
When Virgil finally pulled away John saw that he had tears streaming down his face too.
"John I don't hate you," Virgil told him. "I could never hate you. I'm just mad. Mad at everyone, myself included."
"I heard what you told Gordon earlier today," John admitted to him. Virgil looked at him surprised. "I was sitting on the lounge chair by the steps. I couldn't help but hear."
Virgil nodded. At least now he knew where John was coming from.
"Virgil it's okay to be angry about what happened," John told him. "You're right it was selfish. It was a way out for me. An easy way out," John told him walking toward the ledge of the patio level above them. John got up and sat on the edge looking toward the pool. A silence fell between the two of them. Both were trying to figure out what to say next.
"Why did you shut me out John?" Virgil said finally as he walked over to set next to John.
"Because you were the one person that I couldn't not talk to Virgil," John told him.
Virgil just looked at his brother. He wasn't making any sense.
"Virgil, you and I have always been close. We've always told each other everything. Of everyone in this family, with the exception of, Mom, you understood me the best. After Mom passed away Dad seemed to want to try and put it behind us. Scott followed his lead. Scott was going around telling all of you not to talk about what happened around me. It seemed like the only one who wanted to talk about what happened was me and I didn't want to cause anybody any more pain. That's when I started pulling away from everyone and still I didn't want to lose the relationship that we had but every time I was with you I wanted to tell you what I was feeling inside. Every time I was around you I wanted to tell you just like I told you everything else."
"The only way I could not tell you was to not be around you," John finished. "I'm sorry Virgil. I'm sorry for shutting you out. For letting you down. For not being the brother that I should have been. For . . ."
"John stop it," Virgil told him cutting him off. He reached out and placed his hand on top of his brother's. "You could never let me down. But John," Virgil waited until his brother looked over at him. "Don't ever shut me out again. I want to be there for you no matter what."
"You got it," John told him.
Jeff stood just outside the front door, looking down at his two sons. Given the circumstances he had gone outside to look for them after a few minutes. The last thing he needed was for any of his kids to be fighting with each other.
As soon as he stepped outside though he knew he didn't have to worry. He immediately saw John and Virgil down by the pool talking. Jeff turned and walked back into the house.
Gordon, Scott, and Alan had gone back to looking through the pictures.
"What was Mom like?" Alan asked his two brothers. Alan had asked Jeff the question a lot and Jeff had always either ignored it or given him the shortest answer possible. He was starting to realize he hadn't been fair to his youngest son. Alan deserved to know his mother even if it was only through them.
Gordon looked to Scott when Alan asked his question. He wasn't sure how to answer Alan. He remembered his Mom but he wasn't quite sure he could find the words to describe what she was like.
Scott hesitated a little before answering but suddenly he realized something. In a way, Alan did know exactly what Mom was like.
"Actually Alan, you already know what Mom was like," Scott told his youngest brother. "She was very caring, always putting others before herself. She was a great listener. Mom, always tried to settle things between us as she couldn't stand to see anyone fighting."
"Just like John," Alan said as he began to understand what Scott meant by him already knowing what Mom was like.
"Exactly," Scott said. "Only thing was she was more outgoing than John ever was. You're a lot like her in that way Alan."
"Every time I see you or John I'm reminded of your mother," Jeff said from where he was standing. His three sons looked over at him. They hadn't realized he had come back inside. Jeff was about to say more when they heard a shout from outside.
"Somebody come help," came Virgil's voice. None of them missed the panic in his voice.