"I'll think about it John," Jeff Tracy told his son signaling that the conversation was over.
John nodded and silently headed for the door leaving Jeff alone with his thought.
Jeff had known that John's request would come eventually. With John's love of the stars, he knew his second eldest son would eventually want to return to Thunderbird 5. Jeff had just been hoping that it would be a little further down the road.
The question remained - was John ready to go back up? Jeff knew that only John could really answer that question and even though John hadn't come right out and said it Jeff could tell that John still had doubts about returning but he insisted he was ready to try it. Jeff just wasn't sure he was ready to risk it.
It had only been a week since Scott had gone up and Jeff was well aware of his eldest son's problems with being back on the space station. His first night up there, Scott had called down in the middle of the night unable to sleep. Scott had talked to Gordon for awhile and then Jeff had ended up talking to his son for a couple of hours. Jeff had even offered to come up for Scott but Scott had insisted on staying.
Over the following days things had gotten easier for Scott. Jeff didn't have to rely on what Scott told him to know that. Jeff could see the difference. His mood was lighter and the dark circles under his eyes from the lack of sleep disappeared.
The beeping of the comm unit brought Jeff out of his thoughts. Jeff hit the button to activate the monitor and Scott's face appeared on screen.
"What's up scott?" Jeff asked his son.
"Nothing really. Just wanted to talk to someone as having a conversation with myself isn't very much fun," Scott told him. He looked closely at his father sensing something was wrong. "Is everything okay down there?"
"Yeah, Scott everything is fine," Jeff told him. "I just have a hard decision to make." Jeff looked at his son's questioning look and debated on whether or not to tell him. In the end, he figured what could it hurt and talking out loud might even help him sort through things. "John wants to return to Thunderbird 5. He thinks he's ready."
"And you don't?" Scott asked. The question was really more of a statement. Scott could tell his father didn't think John was ready. If he did, Jeff wouldn't hesitate to send him back up.
Scott didn't think the time was right either. His own reaction to returning to Thunderbird 5 had taken him by surprise. He hadn't really considered being back on the station as bothering him any but it had.
That whole first night all he had been able to think about was the scene he had walked in on. Seeing John holding the blade so close to his wrist. What if Alan hadn't overheard the conversation between John and there father? What if he hadn't listened to Alan? What if Dad had just brought John down when he had first asked? Most of all, what if he and Alan had been a few minutes later?
Scott knew very well that the scene he and Alan had walked in on could have easily been very different. Instead of the gleaming knife blade haunting his mind it could have very well been a bloody blade. Scott knew how close he had been to possibly losing a brother.
"I honestly don't know if he's ready or not but I do know that I'm not ready to have him back up there," Jeff told his eldest son. "I guess I'm just not ready to risk letting him go yet. I mean here, someone is always nearby. Up there, if something happens after he's alone up there its not as if we can get to him immediately. Even our best efforts would take time," Jeff said slowly. "Time that we may not have."
Scott wasn't sure what to say. He and his dad were both thinking along the same lines.
"But I've got to let him go sometime," Jeff continued. "John's love for the stars is too great not to mention his sense of duty. If I try to keep him here, try to shelter him, he'll end up resenting being here and resent me in the process. That doesn't seem like much of an alternative. I'm just not sure what to do, Scott."
Scott nodded in agreement. His Dad had a valid point. He was glad he wasn't the one that had to make that decision.
And then an idea came to him.
"Hey Dad, do you think that you, Virgil, and Gordon would be able to handle things down there own your own for a little while?"
Jeff thought about it for a moment. Things had been kind of quiet here lately and from the looks of things that trend seemingly was going to continue for a little while longer.
"Yeah, we probably could. What are you getting at Scott?"
"Send John up and let the both of us stay up here for a little while then he won't be up here alone."
Jeff thought about what his sons just said. It made perfect sense. He didn't know why he hadn't thought of that solution himself because when it came right down to it, it was the idea of John being up there alone that Jeff didn't like. Letting him go up with Scott still there would eliminate that problem.
"That's a good idea Scott," Jeff told him. "Let me arrange things and I'll get back to you," Jeff told him.
"Okay, talk to you later Dad," Scott said signing off.
In his office, Jeff closed the link on his side and then went in search of John.
Jeff found John down on the beach, staring out across the ocean. Jeff approached his son quietly.
"Are you ever going to trust me again?" John asked his father as Jeff came to a stop beside him.
His words took Jeff by surprise. They seemed to come out of the blue and Jeff didn't understand how John could feel that way.
"John I do trust you. I've never not trusted you. Where did you ever get an idea like that."
"I figured that was the reason that you didn't want me going back to Thunderbird 5. That maybe you think I would try something again. That . . . "
Jeff didn't let him get any further.
"No son, it isn't that. I'm not keen on the idea of you going back up there because I failed you once and I don't want to do that again. I should have seen how much pain you were in years ago back when you were trying to talk about it but I was too wrapped up in my own grief. I pushed you away. I don't want to do that again and somehow letting you go back up seems like I'm doing that all over again."
"I need to go back up Dad," John told him. "I don't know for sure that I'm ready but the longer I put it off the harder it is going to be for me to go back."
"John don't feel pressured into going back up. If you don't want to, all of us would understand," Jeff told him.
"I know that, but I need to go back up. Not for you or anyone else but for myself. I love the stars Dad, and the thought of not going back up, well its something I don't even want to dwell on because it would be like a piece of me is missing. I need to go up Dad."
Jeff saw the pleading in his son's eyes. Deep down he knew that was how John would feel. As much as he wanted to keep his son here he knew he couldn't. John loved the stars. It was another thing that set him apart from his brothers. While they all dwelled on the solitude, John found solace in the stars.
"I understand, son," Jeff said softly. "That's why as soon as your ready, I'll take you up to Thunderbird 5. Scott and I were talking and he suggested that you come up while he's still there and I think that's for the best, at least for a short time."
"But things down here . ."
"Virgil, Gordon and I will handle it. I'm not about to let you be up there alone and it isn't about not trusting you, I just don't think you're ready for that yet. Going back up there was hard on Scott. Going back isn't going to be easy for you either and I want somebody there to help you through that."
John nodded, feeling relieved. Going back did scare him. Knowing that Scott would be there made the whole thing a little less overwhelming.
"Thanks Dad," John said throwing his arms around his father.
Jeff hugged his son tightly. He didn't want to let go but he knew eventually he would have to. Just like he had to let John return to Thunderbird 5 as much as he didn't want to. Letting go was always hard on a parent and this time was no easier then the times before.