The Way He Looks At Me

I don't own or claim to own anything here. The characters belong to Fox, and I do not profit from my stories.

- This is a, well, WILL be a slash. Rated R for sexual content and language in later chapters.
- Thoughts will be typed like this

-Finally I have gotten some nice reviews! I love all you people reading this, and especially Waverin 3 and Satan's Seraphim. Please, if you read this, please please PLEASE review even if its 5 words. It lets me know that there are at least a phew people reading!

Chapter 6

Ryan, once back on the first floor collapsed onto the nearest couch as for the third time that day tears had started to fill his eyes again.

So...Seth doesn't really hate me. I mean, not hate, but whatever that show of fury was....it was accidental? I hope so. Oh god I hope so. I would kill myself I couldn't even have Seth as a brother anymore.

"No," Ryan said aloud. Not brother, friend. Because I can't fall for my brother. I can fall for a friend...but not a brother. So Seth is my friend. Extremely close friend, but whatever. I still think that I....... and at that Ryan drifted off. It was probably one of the most demanding days he had ever been through, and he was tired as hell.

As Ryan slowly drifted off into a dreamless sleep, Seth was still upstairs fighting with his thoughts again.

"So I, Seth Cohen, on the rebound from the first relationship I ever had, with a girl I might add, am now falling for the hottest man alive. I think. Hmm...this is interesting. I should write this down when this is all over and done with."

What makes you think this will ever be over. Ryan is part of your family...well, was until you blew it only hours ago.

"I didn't do it on purpose! God! It just pains me to think that I could tell him anything, and he can't open up to me about anything at all."

Are you kidding yourself? Ryan Atwood is not the person to tell anything to anyone - ever. No matter whether your a friend, parent, counselor or lover. From where he came, you can't expect him to be. And after your mothers' supreme display of self-control you witnessed first-hand last night, can you blame him for not telling you about the one thing he has kept hidden away in a tightly locked chest for five years?

Pause

Well, can you?

"No, I can't. I blame myself...happy?!"

Yes.

"And what am I to do now. I think that Ryan is a hottie," again Seth finds himself cringing at this, "but I've ruined it. I seem to be saying that a lot tonight."

First thing tomorrow morning you march down there and tell him everything. Tell him he doesn't have to say anything, but just tell him that your sorry and you understand why he couldn't tell, and you of all people. You'll have to wing it from their since I'm only here when your alone apparently. So, maybe write this down?

"Shut up. Fine. Come morning I talk to Ryan. Game plan set. Time for bed." And with that Seth turned his light off and face-planted into the pillow, forcing himself to fall asleep as fast as he could.

Kirsten was first to wake the next morning, having set her internal clock (something she prayed would work for about an hour before going to bed) to as early as she could manage.

She slowly got out of bed and fixed herself in the mirror, but being as quite as she could so as not to wake Sandy.

She made her way downstairs, figuring she would march right into the pool house and apologize for everything...especially the fact that Seth found out. Even though it wasn't her fault entirely, she did deserve the blame.

Kirsten had to slap her hand to her mouth to keep herself from yelping as she walked from the hallway through the living room and to her deep surprise, found Ryan sleeping soundly on the couch.

What is he doing in here? Surely he would want to be as far away from here as he could....right?

She continued into the kitchen and made two cups of coffee and grabbed the carrying tray on her way out. She set it up in front of Ryan and settled herself on the closest seat.

Kirsten started making small coughing and growling noises in her throat to wake him, but trying to do so as subtly as she could.

Ryan slowly came to, and was obviously confused for a few moments as he stared at the cushion he had been laying on, before he turned to his right, saw the table and coffee, and bolted upright.

There was a mixture of terror and surprised anger in his eyes and they finally settled on Kirsten, sitting with her legs crossed, sipping her coffee and peering at him over the mug.

The first thing that came was that she thought he looked extremely cute in the morning with the tired look in his eyes, and that perfect bed head hair that made him look great.

She wasn't sure what to say exactly, so she started with what she thought was both the easiest and most important.

"I'm so sorry for what I did. What you did was something that took more courage than anyone has. I admire you for coming to me and telling me, and I feel honored that you chose me, but as you can see, I am not the most reliable person to keep a secret," she paused as Ryan started to protest to her talking, but she held a hand up before continuing.

"Please, let me get through this. Ryan, I love you as much as I love Seth and Sandy. Your son to me, and what I did to you is quite possibly the worst thing I could ever do. And I apologize again, and I will continue to do so until I die. But you have to understand that when you told me, I was basically in some mild state of shock. Look at us here in Newport. Do we look like the people who handle family crises, like....ever?" she paused for moment, hoping that Ryan's expression would change, which it did, however only slightly.

"I've never had to deal with anything major important in my entire life. The most tragic things ever to happen here was when one of the houses burned down and when Marissa O.D'ed. You've had to deal with so much more....and this, me, what I did only added to it. But I am truly sorry. I just couldn't handle all the info. I needed to tell someone, so I turned to Sandy. I told him last night, after dinner, when we were in bed. I told him almost everything. But what I didn't do was tell Seth. I would never; purposely, that is." At this, Ryan's look went from anger to a frustrated confused look.

"We accidentally left the door open, and I think that when he got back from his sailing lessons, he over-heard. That's how he found out. I didn't tell him, and neither did Sandy. And I would never do that on purpose either. I do love you Ryan, and I'm sorry for breaking our promise. But it was only because I wanted to help you, and I alone couldn't do so. So hopefully you can accept that, and if not, just please don't stop talking to us, and please don't ever leave," she paused before continuing, but only at a low whisper.

"I do love you Ryan Atwood, from the bottom of my heart. I love you like a son, because you are my son. I love you."

As Kirsten finished, she leaned back in her chair with a look of part triumph, part worry at the fact that Ryan still looked how he did for the past few minutes. They sat staring at each other before Ryan finally spoke, but also only a whisper.

"I....I didn't know. I guess I should have figured that you wouldn't just start telling people, but you know; you assume the worst. Thanks for telling me. I...I....I love....um.....you. I do. Its just one of those things..........you know." He looked at the floor, avoiding her gaze, even though it was light and warm.

Ryan finally lifted his gaze from the floor, flashing Kirsten a luke-warm look, but still filled with hurt and tears. She stood up and walked over and sat down next to Ryan, grabbing the nearest blanket and wrapping it around his shoulders.

Ryan instantly tightened at the touch, but after a few reassuring circles of Kirsten's hand on his back, he slowly relaxed and let his head rest on her shoulder.

Still only a whisper, Ryan spoke again. "Thank you for being so understanding. I'm....I'm really sorry about how I....I.....acted. I didn't mean to offend."

"Stop right there. You don't have any reason to apologize. My fault. 100. Don't even think about it again," Kirsten broke in, but with a loving smile on her face.

"I...um...I don't mean to interrupt this loving display here, but, I haven't eaten in a while now. I spent the day in my room all day yesterday, and I didn't eat anything last night. Do you think I could go get breakfast?"

"Nope, no way. I'll get it. You stay put." And with that she stood up and walked into the kitchen, prepared to pull out all the stops in order to make Ryan the best breakfast he had ever had.

As Ryan laid back down and closed his eyes, he heard a second person making their way down the steps. It was a heavy gate as far as he could figure, although he didn't fancy himself some sort of agent so he didn't really know what he was talking about.

He didn't want to know who it was, so he kept his eyes shut, hoping that it was Sandy and he would figure he was sleeping.

He slowly opened an eye to indeed see Sandy standing over him while a pleasant smile, and he ruffled his hair before continuing on into the kitchen.

Ryan slowly drifted off, comforted by the thought that Kirsten hadn't done him wrong on purpose and Sandy wasn't disgusted by him. He was still welcome in their house and slowly fell asleep without remembering the final member of the family and their current situation.

Kirsten was taking her time, seeing as how she was a horrible cook. Sandy was helping where he could, and giving her directions on how to do anything from grate cheese to cracking the eggs without having pieces of shell end up in the pan. It was taking them a long time; they were about half-way done when they realized they had been in the kitchen for at least 2 hours.

They had been having their own fun and didn't realize how long it had took. Sandy took the incentive by making sure Ryan was asleep, which he was, before returning to the kitchen with a satisfied grin.

"Like a baby," Sandy whispered, seeing the concerned look on Kirsten's face. She smiled, before returning to the sink.

Seth slowly awoke as he registered the blinding sunlight streaming through the drawn window. He rolled over and immediately recalled the nights events. He ran over to the window, completely oblivious to the fact that he knocked over a tower of CD's in his quest to see what he could of the pool house.

What he was looking for he didn't know, but a sign that Ryan hadn't left or shut himself up would do. He could see an open window, and could also see the bed, which the sheets looked pressed and flat on the bed.

"Hmm...." he thought, before he started towards the door.

He made his way down the stairs fairly loudly, seeing as how it was about 9 in the morning and his parents should be up by now.

The noise on the staircase woke Ryan, and it took him a minute to again remember why he was asleep on the couch. He looked sternly over the the stairs, uncertain of who was coming down. His heart sunk as he saw the shadow of a tall, jew-fro teenager form on the hall room floor.

He threw the blanket off himself and stood up, not really knowing what he was going to do.

Seth jumped the last few steps before landing rather loudly on the tiled floor. He looked around before spotting Ryan, standing in all his glory in what Seth thought as the way Ryan should always dress: with his sexy white wife-beater and form-fitting boxer shorts.

Seth mentally slapped himself as he saw the look in Ryan's eyes and made his way into the living room preparing himself for his apologies. But before he came within 10 feet of him, Ryan turned on his heel and walked out of the room. He passed through the other rooms and Seth followed him, close behind.

Ryan opened the back door of the kitchen and walked out, startling Sandy and Kirsten.

Ryan was wearing socks and his steps were light, and they didn't hear him until the heard the door open. They spun around the see Ryan' back facing the kitchen, and Seth standing in the opposite doorway.

There was obviously an impressive amount of tension, and neither parent said anything, but looked on in uncertainty.

Ryan turned slowly around and gave Seth a cold, heartless glare before stepping out onto the lawn and shutting the door behind him. Seth ran to the door and flung it open and also stepped out into the yard.

Ryan was taking long, quick strides, obviously trying his damnest to get to the pool house without breaking out into a run. Seth on the other hand, was jogging behind trying his damnest to catch up.

Ryan stepped onto the patio of the pool house and opened the door, just a second before Seth stopped right next to him, and lightly pushed the door shut.

"Please, I need to talk to you. I..." Seth pleaded, but Ryan cut him short.

"I think you've said enough, and I don't want to talk to you. Excuse me." Ryan stated as he yanked to door away from Seth and stepped inside before closing it, and Seth only stared at the white door as he heard the light click of the lock.

Sandy and Kirsten stared in shock from the window, not knowing what to do or say, only holding on to each other for support.

Seth visibly sunk to the ground, banging his hand against the door in vain, knowing it was not going to open. He slumped over, a tear running down his cheek as he mentally slapped himself again for being "such a....such a....fuck up. That's what I am. I'm a fuck up." he whispered to himself as the tears continued to fall.

Ok, that's it for Chapter 6! I promise that the while get together shortly, but I'm pretty sure I changed this to a Romance/Angst, so expect more of what your getting now. :/ Please R&R and I will love you forever!!