Title: A Slaying Song
Warnings: None
Rating: PG
Summary: In which Lucius reads opinion polls, Voldemort sings Christmas Carols, and capsLock!Harry makes a brief but vocal appearance.
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Lord Voldemort lounged on his throne, pondering his next move in the conquest of the world. To tell the truth - something he usually tried to avoid - he wasn't so much pondering as sulking. That infuriating Potter boy was truly beginning to cause him some problems, now that much of the Wizarding World was beginning to fall in behind him. What he really needed to do, was to commit an act of unspeakable evil. It would raise his spirits immensely, as well as having the added benefit of inspiring fear in the hearts of all wizards around the world.
He had almost come to a decision as to just which act of unspeakable evil he would commit, when a rather timid knock sounded at the door. Straightening in his chair, and putting on his most evil of expressions, he called out in a commanding tone, "Enter!"
Lucius, his most faithful of servants, stepped through the doorway and bowed obsequiously. "My Lord," he said after kneeling to kiss the hem of Voldemort's robe. "I have most troubling news."
Voldemort gave a long suffering sigh. When did Lucius ever have anything to report that wasn't troubling? "And what has Potter done to disrupt our plans this time?" he asked.
"It was not Potter, my Lord."
"Dumbledore then?"
"No my Lord, it was not Dumbledore either."
"If you make me continue to guess, Lucius," he said irritably, "then I shall be forced to Crucio you again. And while that would be most entertaining, I fear that it would also be a monumental waste of time. Out with it!"
"The Daily Prophet ran an opinion poll today, my Lord, and I am most distressed to inform you that your approval ratings are at an all time low."
"Of course they're low!" Voldemort snapped. "I'm the Dark Lord."
"Yes, my Lord," Lucius agreed diffidently. "You are indeed the Dark Lord. But, if I might ask, would it not be much easier to take over the world if the people actually liked you?"
"If they liked me?" Voldemort asked incredulously. He regarded Lucius suspiciously. "Has Severus been adjusting your potions again?"
"No, my Lord, he hasn't," Lucius said with some confusion. After a moment he shrugged and continued. "I took the liberty of consulting with a Public Relations firm, and they had some very helpful suggestions as to what you might do to raise your public approval."
"Dare I even ask what those suggestions might be?" Voldemort said with resignation.
"With the Christmas season fast approaching, my Lord, the best option seems to be for you release a debut Christmas album to be played over the Wizarding Wireless Network."
"A Christmas album."
"Christmas Carols," Lucius clarified.
"Yes, I am well aware of what you meant," Voldemort snapped. "How in the name of Grindewald would that help my public approval?"
"Christmas is a time of peace and joy, my Lord. If the people were to hear you singing Christmas Carols, they would come to associate you with happy things!"
"I am the Dark Lord! If I had wished to be associated with happy things, as you put it, then I would have opened a pet shop, or become a florist!"
"But my Lord-"
"Oh do shut up, Lucius," Voldemort growled. It was dreadfully obvious that Lucius was so entranced by this idiotic idea that nothing short of an Obliviate would make him drop it. Voldemort knew that in his current foul temper, he was likely to go too far and leave Lucius as a drooling idiot. And while that would be a vast improvement, there was always the small chance that he might need him for something later. "Fine," he agreed reluctantly. "But only one song, not a whole bloody album!"
"Wonderful, my Lord!" Lucius said brightly. "If you have the time, we should get started right away. I know the perfect song." He pulled a rather crumpled piece of parchment from the pocket of his robe, smoothed it out, and handed it to Voldemort.
Voldemort took the parchment warily and read through it, cringing visibly at the nearly tangible cheer that seemed to radiate from the lyrics. "I cannot sing this," he said firmly when he had finished. "The lyrics aren't even correct."
"What is wrong with them, my Lord?" Lucius asked with a frown.
"They're misspelled, for one thing," Voldemort said, pointing to a line in the lyrics. "Right there. It says 'a sleighing song,' certainly that should be 'slaying.' S-L-A-Y-I-N-G."
"Ah, no my Lord, it isn't about killing. It's about sleighing. An open topped carriage, on runners, pulled by thestrals?"
Voldemort glowered at his servant. "And why would I wish to sing about a thing like that?"
"Because it's cheerful, my Lord?"
Some time later...
"Dashing through the snow
In a one horse open sleigh
Over the hills we go
Laughing
all the way!
MWAHAHAHA-"
Lucius sighed and cancelled the recording spell yet again. "No, my Lord, that still isn't quite right."
"Just what was wrong with it this time?" Voldemort asked, his patience nearly at an end.
"The laugh, my Lord. How shall I put this? Maniacal laughter just isn't quite right for the tone we are trying to set with the song."
Voldemort threw down the parchment and glowered at Lucius. "It says laugh, right there in the lyrics!"
"Yes, indeed it does, my Lord, but... Perhaps we should try it again. This time, without the laugh?"
Quite some time later...
Harry Potter stormed into Dumbledore's office and slammed the door shut behind him. "That's it!" he screamed. "I quit! I'm through with this entire war! You can go find yourself another bloody saviour!"
Dumbledore looked at him with concern. "Harry, my boy, what ever is the matter?"
"Have you turned on your Wireless recently?" he demanded, still seething.
"No, I haven't. Has something happened?"
"Yes, something has happened! They're playing The Song Which Must Not Be Played, and they keep playing it every five minutes! IT'S DRIVING ME INSANE!" Harry screamed at the top of his lungs. "I absolutely refuse to have my name linked with some would be Dark Lord who makes a fool of himself in front of the world by singing Jingle Bells of all things!"