The Big Cliché
Subtitled: So Ghettofabulous
A/N: Bear in mind this has nothing to do with "Punk Rock Depression". This is a separate cliché, but remember, I twist my clichés- thus the ghetto attitudes. I am in no way discriminating against people who are ghetto. I'm just making fun of authors who use overused Draco/Hermione plots- but I'm not trying to be offensive. And to really make this chapter work, you have to imagine it in your head. I mean, who sees our Harry Potter sporting bling bling?!
Summary: The Hogwarts crew have gone Ghettofabulous, including our two exploited characters Draco and Hermione. Uh-oh, homeslice, uh-oh.
Disclaimer: If I owned it I would so not make fun of my own work, okay?
So Ghettofabulous
Draco Malfoy walked over to his homies, V-Crabbe and G-Fish, flicking his head up and letting his sexy sexy blonde hair flutter gently in the wind. "Sup, homeslices?" he asked as the three of them boarded the train to their boarding school, Hogwarts.
Draco Malfoy, more commonly known as Da Galleon, had gotten incredibly hott (and the author had to put in the double ts because who the hell spells 'hot' with only one T?) and sexxy (same reasoning!) and he had an eight-pack and he had really really nice legs and oh, my, gosh, his hair was totally the best thing that anybody had ever seen (the author was drooling by this point and wanted to get her reaction across to her readers).
Draco was wearing a pair of fly ass (um, guys, the author wonders, should I put arse because we're in Britain? But 'ass' is just so…more…perfect right here!) low cut baggy jeans that stopped low enough for everyone to see his boxers which were decorated with Snitches. So girls could grab on, you know. Because he had a package. A good one, I mean. Whatever it means. I'm too young to really know. He was also wearing a white wife-beater that showed off his rippling, man-oh-man sexy muscles and he was bling bling to the core. He had so much platinum on he could barely walk.
V-Crabbe and G-fish wore their caps low so that nobody could see their eyes as they watched over Da Galleon, their homedawg. Suddenly the three of them came across the second set of coolest homies that Hogwarts had ever seen.
The G-Squad (the author thought that this worked perfectly because of all the fics that had Golden Trio, and so she just shortened it and made it the G-Squad so it could be ultrafly).
"Yo, homie," G-fish nudged Da Galleon. "Check out da bitch." Draco, our beautiful thug, checked out the bitch, otherwise known as the center of the G-Squad, the girl who could pop her pussy like the babes from Get Low (the author just loved that song, so she had to throw it in, come on guys and gals, hands up, who wants to get low?), the sexy-ass gurrl who had it goin' on more than any other girl in the entire school, Her-my-own-knee Granger, otherwise known as BB Mya. (Beauty, Brains, and the shortening of her name. Is that okay with you readers?).
"Yo, yo, G-squad," Da Galleon called, raking BB Mya with his eyes. "Yo, man, whassaa?"
Harry "H-P" Potter gave him the finger. "Da Galleon, you know we don't fly like dat!" His backup, tall, gangly, and loaded with the bling and the ring and the yo-mama-cry-with-her-orgasm fling thing, Badd Redd (Ron Weasley, he was born, but nobody called him that! That's so, like, yesterday), snorted. Badd Redd was a badass boy who sang durrty. "Da Galleon, you ain't even know whatchu talkin 'bout, you ain't a pimp, Ima badass pimp and Ima kill you!"
Da Galleon muttered under his breath. "Yo yo you think you can fool us boy?" piped up BB Mya, although secretly she thought that Da Galleon was the hottest thing since bread, "Boy, you a foo', man, you foo'!"
Motioning to her boyz (okay, the Z is so cool, the author thought as she typed furiously, making disgusting spelling mistakes and not wanting to go back and change them. Anyone who protests is a fuckin' flamer and I don't give a…whatever. It's like Zorro!) the three of them traipsed onto the train. From behind Da Galleon checked out BB Mya's tightass short, short skirt and her teensy tiny tube top that showed off somadat bronzed skin that he could just feel, man, he could just feel it…
"G-fish, you feelin' da heat?" he asked his homie. G-fish shook his head.
"Naw man but I see what you talkin' about, that BB Mya's one hotass chick, she got them tits, yo, I wish I was a pimp, yo so I could play her like a playa, man!"
V-Crabbe nodded. "Damn straight."
Da Galleon shot an evil look at the back of H-P and Badd Redd's head. "Yo, foo, I bet they got her tighter than her ass, yo!"
Suddenly Pansy Parkinson flounced up to them. "Uh-oh, boys, I see summin nasty, yo!" Da Galleon said and the boys laughed loudly.
"Man, Da Galleon, you just getting hotta every year, yo! Whatcha happen to you!" Pansy said. Pansy wasn't cool enough to get a ghettofabulous nickname, because the author knew she was always the problem between Draco and Hermione and thus she was a total beeyatch!
"Move, bitch, get out da way," V-Grabbe chided. Suddenly the G-Squad was back.
Even though H-P didn't like Da Galleon, them ghetto kids stuck together in moments of dire need. "Yo, dis ho fuckin' wit you, man?" H-P asked, moving his fingers just the way the rappers do back in the muggle world.
Da Galleon considered it. He could let H-P, Badd Redd, and that hot bitch BB Mya take care of tha bitch Pansy fo him but it could mean serious consequences later. Like, maybe, payback.
And then Da Galleon had a brilliant beyond brilliant beyond brilliant beyond brilliant idea. "Yo, man, fo real?" he asked first, just to make sure H-P and his crew weren't joking or anything. Oh, the horror if that was true.
"Damn straight," H-P replied seriously.
"Yo wanna piece o' her ass, yo?" Da Galleon asked, smirking, since the author knew that no matter what fic he was in, serious or funny or just plain silly, he smirked like a freakin' mofo.
"Fo real?" H-P asked. Everyone knew that Pansy Parkinson was the biggest slut ever. She wore the tightest, sluttiest clothing and her walk just screamed WHORE WHORE WHORE! to everyone, and every single guy who hadn't given her a go was always hoping to.
Badd Redd piped up. "Yo, does she pop dat thang like a real ho or is she jus a fakeass pimp lovin slut, yo?"
Da Galleon considered. Pansy was good, for the first couple of times. In fact she was absolutely amazing in the sack, that tigress, that mm-mm-good-like-a-Campbells-soup-even-though-wizards-probably-don't-eat-that-but-hell-it's-cool-still-she's-not-as-hott-as-BB-Mya-who-is-just-impossibly-sexy-with-STRAIGHT-hair-and-tight-clothes-and-lots-of-ho-make-up. "Ya, man, fo real, she a real ho, she do her thang real good!"
H-P had made up his mind. "We take her off yo hands, man, we do her real good and we send her back to yo when she too tired to do any o dat stuff."
Da Galleon nodded happily. "But I got to have a lil summin summin first."
Da Galleon was conniving, clever, cunning, and mean-spirited. See, the author reasoned, he was perfectly in character! What the hell were people on about when they muttered than insufferable stupid three-letter abbreviation OOC?
H-P and Badd Redd eyed each other suspiciously. They didn't trust Da Galleon one little bit, even though they had offered to help him earlier. Whatever, the author argued as the pointless insults were thrown at her by readers, H-P and Badd Redd are cool so there. "Whatchu thinkin of?" they asked slowly.
"BB Mya," Da Galleon said, smirking (again). And smirking. And smirking. And smirking.
"BB MYA?!" gasped H-P and Badd Redd (whose ghetto name totally sucked butt because the author didn't think he was as good looking as the actors who played them in the movie and all that rot).
"Thas right, boys, Ima need summa dat BB Mya ass if you want yo ho."
PAUSE!
Wait, the author thought. Pause. What about that whole mud blood thing and the whole Draco, Harry, and Ron did not make deals involving close friends and possible harm to them and they didn't barter their girls and the whole bit about them actually being wizards which so far had barely been mentioned in the story, which, let me point out, was still on the train, for goodness sake (or, the author thought, wanting to correct her mistake, for Merlin's sake)? What about all that?
Hmm…the author thought. I know, she came up with, I will throw that stuff out the window and declare my story AU. Done!
Back to the fic.
H-P and Badd Redd considered it. "Yo dawg," they finally told Da Galleon who was eying summadat ass that BB Mya was currently flaunting. She was wearing a sleek black thong that screamed sex and Da Galleon was feelin' sum heat. "Yo dawg, you can hav da ho but only fo today, yo, after that we give you back your Pansy and you give us back BB Mya."
"Deal, muh enemies," Da Galleon said, pulling out his wand and performing a Deal-spell, which happily incorporated magic back into the picture.
Whatever, yo, let's get back to ghettoville.
The spell soon had BB Mya hurtling towards Da Galleon and H-P and Badd Redd walked off with Pansy. "What happenin?" BB Mya asked, looking worried.
"It's okay, bitch, you wit me now and everythin gonna be sexy cool."
Then Da Galleon proceeded to whip out his microphone, which he conveniently stored in his robes, and began a lil summin summin to portray his mood to BB Mya.
"3,6,9 standing real fine move it to you sing it to me one mo time
Get low, Get low, Get low, Get low, Get low, Get low
To the window, to the wall, (to dat wall)
To the sweat drip down my balls (MY BALLS)
To all these bitches crawl (crawl)
To all skit skit motherfucker (motherfucker!) all skit skit got dam (Got dam)
To all skit skit motherfucker (motherfucker!) all skit skit got dam (Got dam)"
Da Galleon sang, motioning to his homies V-Crabbe and G-fish who got up and began singing wit him.
"Yo, all da bitches out thurr," V-Crabbe said, conjuring himself and G-fish a mike. They all began to sing, entertaining the train and all the hos were getting a bit feisty.
"Shortie crunk so fresh so clean can she fuck that
Question been harassing me in the mind this bitch is fine
I done came to the club about 50th 11 times now can I play with yo pantyline
club owner said I need to calm down security guard go to sweating
Me now drunk then a motherfucker threaten me now," sang V-Crabbe, looking pointedly at Millicent Bulstrode, his secret fancy.
Da Galleon picked up the next verse, singing directly to BB Mya who was shakin dat ass like you never seen before. "She getting crunk in the club I mine she work
Then I like to see the female twerking taking the clothes off BUCKEY naked
ATL. Ho don't disrespect it
Pa pop yo pussy like this cause yin yang twins in this bitch
Da Galleon and his homeboys wit me and we all like to see Ass and titties
Now bring yo ass over here hoe and let me see you get low if you want this Thug
Now take it to the floor (to the floor) and if yo ass wanta act you can keep yo ass where you at." (the author loved this song so she put it in to make sure everyone would enjoy it and sway to the mood even though most people were not listening to the dirty song while reading a silly fanfic!). BB Mya listened like anything. She moved deliberately over to Da Galleon and the whole train oohed and ahhed at the entertainment. Gone were the times of squabbles between Da Galleon and BB Mya! They were sex machines set on high, man!
Da Galleon and his homeboys continued throughout the rest of the song, which ended in bright strobe lights and pole dancing by Hannah Abbott, Mandy Brocklehurst, Ginny Weasley, Luna Lovegood, Cho Chang (what? She graduated? Oh well. Not in this fic she isn't. She's stupid), and Millicent Bulstrode. Pansy, H-P, and Badd Redd were nowhere to be found.
"Uh, come here, bitch," Da Galleon called out to BB Mya who walked sexily to him. Before they knew it the two of them were kissing like there was no tomorrow and tearing each other's clothes off. Da Galleon found an empty closet and the two of them were in there for two hours! It didn't matter that Hogwarts should have come by now, the train was just being exceptionally slow. "Baby," Da Galleon said after a love-makin' session.
"I wantcha ta know I always be right thurr for ya,"
"Oh, Da Galleon! Yo, baby, you got some sexy thangs goin on for ya…I got you on the down low, foo'!" And so, the romance was sealed. And all was well. And H-P and Badd Redd and Pansy had certainly hit it off, and the G-Squad exchanged one member for another…while Da Galleon and his homeslices gained a personal bitch.
A/N: My 'tribute' to the oh-so-popular songfic category. Of course mine is a little bit twisted but it's all good, right? Lol, anyone notice my subtle (or not so subtle, I dunno) references to pop culture? Anyway, I need more ideas, more clichés to make fun of, so, please review and give me ideas, and tell me what you thought of this one-shot!