Merlin, Not Another Cliché!

Subtitled: AIM, Love, and Instant Matchmaking

Summary: A tribute to the infamous wonders of AOL Instant Messenger and the world of AIM boyfriends and girlfriends. But when the main characters and Draco and Hermione, anything can happen.

Disclaimer: I don't own the JK stuff and I don't own AIM, but I wish I owned Draco. [note: this disclaimer has been ripped off of the two hundred and sixty authors who have this as standard disclaimer]

Author's Note: Not meant to offend! Just poking fun at AOL, screen names, clichés, and all that other jazz.

AIM, Love, and Instant Matchmaking

Draco Malfoy was excited. Scratch that, he was nearly stark raving mad with happiness when he got home from school. Sixth year was over and he could relax and have an amazing time until seventh year started up.

Boy, did he have plans for the summer, or did he have plans. He planned on getting laid three times a day, courtesy of his neighbors (both who amazingly housed teenage girls. How this miracle came to be is quite inexplicable, the author assures you). He had dumped Crabbe and Goyle, oh the Losers (yeah, it's a capital L. DUH! Like who totally does not know that?, the author wondered as she painfully exposed her thirteen-year-old-ness to the rest of the world). He was now best friends forever (BFF, for those of you that don't speak preteen) with Brady-Aidan-Deveron Snake (the author strung all of her favorite not so common names together to create a really sexy name!), an OC that the author had invented and given an extremely original name, and she did mean extraordinarily original, and his other best friend was Sally Anne Perks. See, the author claimed, I did some research. Sally Anne Perks really does exist in the books, she does!

Brady-Aidan-Deveron Snake came over to Draco's mansion in the summer and with him he brought a funky looking thing.it was a computer! Yes, an interesting little lap top with an apple painted on top of it. Draco wondered why the apple was blue, but he did not question, because Brady-Aidan-Deveron was a really sexy genius; in fact, he was sexier, yeah, got that, sexier than Draco.

Brady-Aidan-Deveron gave Draco a smile that revealed the most perfect and straight teeth that you ever did see, and said, "Draco, this is a computer. It is a Muggle contraption that I happen to know of even though I am 100% pure blood and perfect, but honestly, you'd expect me to know because I know everything."

Draco nodded. "Of course, Brady-Aidan-Deveron. Teach me. computer," Draco whispered as he revered the instrument.

Brady-Aidan-Deveron began speaking in computer and Draco, being smart himself, second only to the Princess of Gryffindor, Hermione Granger, understood completely. He opened up the laptop, as he had learnt was its name, and clicked on a link that had a little orange person that looked like it was running.

"What is this?" Draco asked Brady-Aidan-Deveron.

"That is AOL Instant Messenger, only the best creation of the twentieth century," Brady-Aidan-Deveron answered.

Draco clicked upon the link and it asked him for his User Name and Password. "What is this?" Draco asked Brady-Aidan-Deveron.

"You can't do that until you make yourself a user name. Let's go onto the Net."

Draco briefly wondered if the Net had anything to do with Quidditch but he soon learnt that he was rather off. The Net turned out to be short for Internet, a very ingenious muggle device. "Let's go Googling!" Draco said excitedly when he saw the bright colors flash upon the scene.

Brady-Aidan-Deveron smiled handsomely but the smile was a little bit condescending. "Now Draco," he said, as if he were explaining to a child, "you want to get an AIM account, don't you?"

Draco nodded, his beautiful brows furrowed in concentration. "Yes. Let's go to the web site."

So the two of them went to the web site, and Draco thought of a user name. He thought, and he thought, and he thought, and he thought.

Finally he came up with a stroke of pure genius, where his brilliant and magnificent mind broke though the dusty barriers.introducing dragonpoo69.

His password was of course, sexymalfoy. Nobody in the whole world could figure that out, because it was so unlike his real personality. No, in reality, Draco was humble and good, kind and wonderful, any evil represented in canon shredded into the background. The author wanted a hero, people, a mole-less Enrique Iglesias, not some badass freak!

Brady-Aidan-Deveron faded into the shadows as Draco became engrossed in the world of AIM. He wasn't needed right now and the author wanted you to forget about him so when he appeared later an element of surprise would ignite the body of her readers. She did hope she had some. It would really be a drag to write for no one, of course. Reviews were her food, and she wanted to eat.

Draco clicked on a chat room called "Smart Witches and Wizards". There were two other people in the room besides him. One was scarwonder234 and the other was hgwrtslvr96.

Draco decided to try out IM on scarwonder234. The conversation went as follows, guys, the author said to herself, so be careful. And of course, she thought I'm going to use tons of netspeak because even though Draco has just been introduced to AIM he's more than definitely going to know what LOL is or what BRB is. DUH!

Dragonpoo69: Hey

Scarwonder234: who is this?

Dragonpoo69: who is this?

Scarwonder234: don't copy me I asked first

Dragonpoo69: don't copy me I asked first

Scarwonder234: this is harry f****** potter now tell me who the fuck you are

Draco was surprised. He was talking to Harry! Dude he was going to have some fun!

Dragonpoo69: what are you talking about? I'm Harry Potter! How dare you claim you are!

Scarwonder234: the hell?

Dragonpoo69: you idiot orphan boy, oops, I mean, whoever you are, I'm the one with an ugly scar and no parents and I hang out with the weasleys and I like red hair, ok?

Scarwonder234: you're scaring me.

Dragonpoo69: damn straight!

Draco soon tired of speaking to Harry and decided to IM the other person, hgwrtslvr96.

Dragonpoo69: hey baby

Hgwrtslvr96: excuse me?

Dragonpoo69: who's this?

Hgwrtslvr96: this is none of your beeswack! Get lost before I pepper spray you!

Dragonpoo69: you can't! you can't! I'm on the intamanet!

Hgwrtslvr96: it's Internet.

Dragonpoo69: why thank you!

Draco was really beginning to like hgwrtslvr96. She was really helpful, and she was sarcastic. Maybe a little paranoid but you can't have everything you ask for, can you? How Draco knew that it was a girl was once again one of life's little mysteries.

Many conversations later, which the author was too lazy to type, Draco finally decided to ask who this hgwrtslvr96 was. Why it hadn't occurred to him earlier? Life's Little Mysteries, people!

Dragonpoo69: so, who is this really? I really like you! You are so fun to talk to.

Hgwrtslvr96: I luv talking to you too! This is Hermione Granger, ok? Who are you?

Draco was shocked. Who would have known that the book worm. what. it was not possible!

Suddenly Brady-Aidan-Deveron. B-A-D (and NOW you know his true personality, the author thought, yeah baby, double whammy!) stepped back into the picture.

"Muahahahah!" he laughed. "It was all a ploy to set you up with that mud blood! I am an evil genius! Wheeeeee!"

Draco was shocked but nonetheless he knew what to do. "Don't you dare call her that!" he screamed. "She's kind and caring! I love her!"

B-A-D screamed at the mention of the word and immediately began melting. "I'm melting, I'm melting!" he cried helplessly as his body oozed into a pile of liquid onto Draco's marble floor.

But Draco didn't care. With B-A-D taken care of, he apparated to Hermione's house. Hermione was on the computer and she looked like she was impatiently waiting for dragonpoo69 to reply.

"Waiting for something?" Draco asked. Hermione turned around, surprised, but why she didn't attack, or how Draco got in without her parents noticing, or how he did some underage magic and got away with it.you know the answer by now. It's LLM!

"Um, yeah," Hermione replied nervously. "What're you doing in my house?"

Draco looked at the floor shiftily. "Well, um, I'm dragonpoo69."

"You are?" she said, really surprised.

He nodded. "Erm.yeah. I hope that's okay."

She nodded. "It is. Oh, come here, you!"

He walked up to her only to be engulfed in a loving hug. With B-A-D taken care of and the Internet set up in his house and a lovely girlfriend he met through the Net, Draco knew life was assured. Who knew how it came to be? It was all under life's little mysteries.

A/N: Well.this was basically the Gary-Stu chapter, but with Gary-Stu-gone-bad, I guess. Thanks for your input on clichés, I'm working on the pureblood cliché now! Reviews please, and also, more cliché ideas! They're awesome!