Merlin, Not Another Cliché!

We Hate You, Hermione

Summary: Harry and Ron are way too cool for Hermione Loser Granger. So they dump her. But what happens when she finds comfort in a totally expected (excuse me, totally UNexpected) source?

Disclaimer (hee hee): The summary above is not mine. I have stolen it off 2,284 Draco/Hermione fics in which poor Hermione is dumped cruelly by Harry and Ron.

Warning: this story has been moved to R-rated. The language in "So Ghettofabulous!" is bad. This chapter contains somewhat-cliché smut. Hermione's boobs have a starring role.

Hermione entered her common room. It was mid-sixth-year and she had had a good year so far. She was studying hard as usual and had brilliant grades. She had killed the squid in the lake for fun once and that was the worst thing she ever did do.

Well she entered the common room and her best friends forever Harry and Ron were playing chess. "Hello, boys," she said. Over the years Hermione had become very va-va-va-voom-vroom-vroom-I-can-get-it-on-with-a-broom! Her bust size had grown so huge that she'd even named them—Hogwarts and A, History.

"Harry, Ron!" she called excitedly.

Harry and Ron sent each other dubious looks at the same time. "Ah, Hermione," Harry began, looking ever-so-unintelligent. So they were going to dump Hermione, the author thought furiously, they better be as dumb as Crabbe and Goyle even though Harry was supposedly good at DADA according to canon. Well, screw canon, the author sighed. It sucks.

"What is it, boys?" Hermione asked worriedly. They looked…kind of mean!

"It's just that…" Ron sighed, and then a fiery horrible gleam came into his brown eyes. It was the color of FIRE. Yes. FIRE. That means it's yellow, the author grinned. Ha ha ha! Ron had yellow eyes! That's so like, weird. "We hate you, Hermione," Ron said finally.

Hermione could not believe her ears. "Wait, what?"

"Yes," Harry added quickly, "look. You're a bookworm. You like, have sex with books. You are not a piece of arse. So we don't need you."

"Harry's right, you know," Ron said in a thick Irish accent, "You are of no use to us. You just like to study, you're boring, and we're not physically attracted to you—except for your boobs—but you're so damned prudish it doesn't even matter. So get out."

Hermione gasped and tears began to flow down her cheeks. The author painted a beautiful tender picture where Harry and Ron were nasty ogres and Hermione was just an innocent little girl.

"B-b-boys," she cried, "what about all those years we've had together?"

"We didn't have hormones then, duh!" came their response. "OUT!"

And so she left, her head up high. She would never speak to those unmentionable little hormone-crazed losers again! AND WHAT DID THEY MEAN SHE WAS NOT A PIECE OF ARSE!!

SHE WAS TOO! She'd so show them! She'd totally become a piece of ass (the author forgot to use Brit lingo, but it didn't matter anyway.). In fact, she decided she'd make it a point to sleep with the next boy she saw.

Or the next girl.

Or the next animal.

Or even the next doorknob (she'd heard about some twisted things with those).

Just then Draco Malfoy sauntered down the hall. Hermione froze. She wondered if she should go back on her vow, but then hard determination won and Hermione walked up to him. "I want," she sighed, "to be bad."

He nearly doubled over. "Wait, what?"

"You heard me right. Do you think I am sexy?"

At this point, Draco was so scared he would've told Snape he looked sexy. "Gorgeous," he licked his lips. "Wanna come to my room, muddy?"

Hermione grinned. See? She was so a piece of ass! "Totally."

She followed the beautiful boy up to his room and he promptly disrobed. Hermione's breath caught in her throat. The man in front of her was like a Greek God, an Adonis, with skin the color of alabaster and it was just flawless.

"Like what you see?" He smirked.

"Yes," Hermione nodded emphatically, and promptly disrobed as well.

It was Draco's turn to stare. Who knew what kind of body Granger had been hiding under her robes? It was magnificent. She was voluptuous and curvy and everything Pansy wasn't. Don't ask why Pansy came in. It's just a must to have Pansy in every Dramione, okay? And she's always the girl Draco sleeps with. Duh.

"Are you a virgin?" Draco asked, hoping the answer was yes.

Hermione nodded. "Don't hurt me."

The words drove Draco out of his mind. Slowly he began to kiss Hermione, slow, sensual kisses that made her toenails tingle, they were THAT deep.

"Be careful with Hogwarts, A History," Hermione warned.

Draco was utterly and completely confused, but didn't say anything. If Hermione liked to fantasize about books when she did the deed, then, well, that was her problem.

Draco ran his hands across her body—her breasts her stomach and her…you know, AREA. The author was reluctant to say it because the author had never experienced smut. Had never even, actually, seen it, except for in other fanfics and stuff.

So she knew exactly what to do.

Draco entered Hermione slowly and miracle of miracles it didn't hurt at all for Hermione! Because Draco was so gentle, of course. "This is wonderful," Hermione smiled. The author had decided that sex was only painful for mere MUGGLES. Wizards could have sex all the time and it didn't hurt a bit.

Later, Draco and Hermione lay in his bed. Hermione was so happy when Draco spooned her. "I love you," she whispered raggedly.

Draco was confused. He had thought this bit in the story wasn't supposed to surface for a while, but he shrugged and went along with it. "Ditto."

"You know," Hermione cried into his shoulder, "Harry and Ron have abandoned me! COMFORT me! COMFORT me! I need comfort!"

Draco mumbled comforting comforting words that comforted Hermione in ways she'd never been comforted in before. It was just so comfortable!

"You wonderful comforter, you," Hermione sighed. "I don't care about Harry and Ron anymore. I never will."

"That's right," Draco nodded, "Potter and Weasley are idiots. You know what…since they hurt you, let's KILL them!"

"Um, yeah, I don't think so," Hermione said no. She was too good for that, the author knew.

"Okay but let's just scare them, all right?"

Hermione nodded. This she could do.

So Draco and Hermione challenged Harry and Ron to a midnight duel in gasp! The Trophy Room. See, the author pointed out, I AM following canon. I AM.

That night Harry and Ron met Hermione and Draco in the trophy room. "Hermione!" they gasped. "What are you doing here with old fuckwit?"

"He is not a fuckwit," Hermione said primly, "He is a lovely boy."

Harry and Ron looked at each other and shrugged. "Whatever," they said unanimously. "K so let's get this party started."

"Hey, Hermione," Draco whispered, "Let's do Avada Kedavra. Don't worry. It won't really kill them. It will scare them."

Hermione looked pained and then nodded. "K cool. It wont' kill them right?"

"Nopers," Draco nodded. "Not at all."

He took out his wand and pointed it at Harry. "Avada Kedavra!" he yelled. Harry crumpled to the floor. "Avada Kedavra" he yelled to Ron, the bastard, for dumping Hermione. Ron crumpled to the floor.

Hermione raced over to her ex-friends and felt their pulses. There was none. "You lied to me!" she looked at Draco. "You lied!"

"Eh, they so deserved it," Draco said. "They hurt you."

"You're right," Hermione agreed. "They did hurt me! Oh the bad boys! They were so bad!"

And with that she linked arms with her own personal hit-man and went off frolicking into the sunset.

A/N: Heh, heh. So comes the Harry-and-Ron abandon Hermione cliché. They didn't know they were going to die for that! Ok, that whole, let's kill whoever hurts you plot that Draco came up with, totally came from the movie Heathers. I love that deeply dark and disturbing yet funny movie!

All right, let's answer your questions. First off, number one—no, I'm definitely not thirteen. The made-up author of this fic that injects author's notes in the story, might be somewhere around there. But not me. That's what makes this fun.

Secondly, to distantorigin- don't worry, I definitely do know my share of Good Draco/Hermione fics. I love Draco/Hermione and there are a tons out there that are really good. I have some of my favorite fic recs in my bio.

Anyway, don't forget to review! Pleez they r lyk mi food!1!11! LOLZ! Ah, and more clichés are on the way, including: Hermione is pregnant with Draco's child, Draco and Hermione get stuck in a small space miraculously, the Draco-and-Hermione-live-next-to-each-other cliché, and I'd like some more ideas! Believe me there are plenty! And thanks to Alessandra-Elisabeth for the idea of this cliché.