Notes: For the sake of the plot, the setting is Warring Era; Sesshoumaru and Kagura are human.
You're Killing Me Softly
I am Taisho Kagura, wife to the Warlord Sesshoumaru. I am the envy of every hopeful princess in the kingdom. Every girl wishes she were in my place. Though, I am living the dream almost every girl wishes she were in… to me its not all that I had imagined.
Looking back, have you ever been able to pinpoint exactly where your life went wrong? I have, yet for longest time, I couldn't accept the cold reality. Through all the illusions, I'm trapped.
It must have started when I was young. I have never been able to go where I wanted and do the things I wanted to do. Father would always tell me what I was to do, and I would have to follow or I would be punished quite severely. I am just a mere woman, and we are expected to be submissive. I hate that.
That cunning manipulative bastard of a father, Naraku, was one of the nobles of the court. One day, he told me that I was to marry Taisho Sesshoumaru. My father obviously wanted to have ties to the Taisho family. He didn't care whether or not I would be happy, he just wanted to use me for political gain.
When I was a girl, I had heard stories about the Taisho Clan. They were infamous, known to be the most powerful and fiercest samurai in all of Japan. They told fairy tales about Sesshoumaru's father; they personified him as a god-like dog demon, with immeasurable power. And as for Sesshoumaru, well, he could be compared to a sword. Cruel, cold, and unsympathetic… His very name brought chills down my spine. But yet, overhearing the ladies of the court, they said he was drop-dead gorgeous. They said he possessed a serene calm charm that would rival the moonlight. I didn't believe them.
But yet…
When first I saw Sesshoumaru, he was so startling handsome, he took my breath away. The young man was tall, with a figure of perfect elegance. He had dark and abundant hair, so glossy that it threw off the moonlight with a gleam. I just could not keep my eyes off him. I was so damn infatuated with him, trying frivolously to earn his attention and affection. But he never gave me those.
One day, out of the blue, he asked me to dance for him. How could I refuse? Truth be told, I probably would've agreed with anything he said at that moment. I could barely hear myself think. My heart was beating so fast.
So I danced for him and gave him my smiles.
I was in love, of that I had no doubt, but I was young and naive. I had never realized that marrying him would come with the responsibility of being the Lady of the Western Lands. I never wanted such a heavy burden placed on me. But of course, what choice did I have?
Sesshoumaru's father, having grown old and tired, rejoiced that his son would carry the family line. Truthfully, Sesshoumaru was never very interested in women, much less me. Sesshoumaru wasn't one to be controlled by others, yet his father has a remarkable amount of influence over him. Though I just can't be sure, I think he married me only because that was what his father wished.
At the wedding ceremony ended and he leaned down to kiss me. It felt a bit one-sided, but that was the happiest moment in my life.
That night, I danced for him and gave him my smiles.
His father decided it was time to retire and pass the throne to his son. Nothing lasts forever, though, and this all too brief interlude of joy soon came to an end. My father-in—law passed away shortly after.
Perhaps, he had to live up to his father's name, or perhaps he was power-hungry. Sesshoumaru is not very open at all. He puts some kind a barrier, with an unbreakable visage. I understand he's a man of few words but still. He's just so distant. It vexes me to no end.
The warlords under the late father started to bicker and fight over land. They all wanted to take control over his lands, even though Sesshoumaru is now the Lord of the Western lands. My husband was weighted with responsibilities at every turn, particularly being pulled into a series of wars, they will call the Sengoku Jidai.
He should tell me what's on his mind, I am his wife, his confidant.
Many times, my husband would come home, bloody, wounded and weary. One day, he came home, without his left arm. I feel pity for him.
Sesshoumaru would not allow me out of the castle. Looking around me, the cold stone walls, guard's patrolling the perimeter, why do I feel like I'm in a prison?
Because it is a prison…
I loved to dance; it was my passion. I'd dance for Sesshoumaru whenever he's home. Dancing was a way to express my feelings, it helped me forget that how truly trapped I was. Dance like the wind, I say.
Raising my children helped as well. He gave me two beautiful children, a girl and a boy. My Rin is the perfect child, so kind, cheerful, and obedient. She was quite perceptive of another's feelings. As for Saishoumaru, he's very much like his father, just compassionate. Something my husband lacks. Both my children smile very often. Sadly, I have never seen Sesshoumaru smile.
Many nights, I sit on the castle roof, look out yonder the sky and ponder about freedom. I wasn't heartless enough to forsake my children. Though, the thought did pass through my mind. Even if I were to somehow summon the strength and recklessness to abandon my children and husband, there really is no where else to go, is there?
What is the point of life when one could not truly live?
And yet...I never revealed and probably will never reveal my inner turmoil to anyone. Really, who could I tell? The ladies of the court are vapid and simple, having no greater ambition than to support their husbands and raise children...or perhaps they simply hide their true feelings much like I do, their childhood dreams and aspirations long since turned to ashes and dust by harsh reality.
This is my prison, forged by my love for Sesshoumaru and sealed by my responsibilities as a lady, mother, and wife. From this, for me, there is no escape. That illusion for freedom, which once burned so brightly, is now barely a candle's flicker. There was never place for me to run.
Kagura smothered and trapped by her children's loving embrace at her side. She taught her daughter how to dance, and read her son and daughter fairy tales. They slept the sleep of the innocent, unaware that her husband and her children were killing her softly.
"Something troubling you, Kagura?" Sesshoumaru asked, sitting down next to her at the roof of his castle.
"No, of course not. Everything is fine." She answered with such convincing false cheerfulness that she could almost believe herself. Almost…
A moment passed, Sesshoumaru knew he was being lied to, but says nothing.
"I told Saisho and Rin those fairy tales about that stoic dog demon. Never being satisfied with his own power… blinded by his hunger for more power." Kagura said.
Sesshoumaru furrowed his brow, but remained silent. Kagura continues, "Trying to become what his father was." Kagura traces her fingers on his shoulder to where his left arm should have been. "He's killing himself for his dead father. And I think that's ridiculously silly."
She implicitly implied this to Sesshoumaru. However…
A moment passed before Sesshoumaru answered. "As ridiculous as your passion for freedom." Kagura caught her breath. Then Sesshoumaru stated coldly. "Freedom is an illusion. We are always bound to something, no matter who we are."
Kagura scoffed. "And you are bound to this illusion of what your father was. Inu No Taisho was no invincible god." Then she returned softly, "And neither is yours. Neither are you. You're going to kill yourself."
"And you are lying to me and yourself." Sesshoumaru countered.
"How long have you known?" She hissed. " And If I recall, I had no choice to marry you."
"Then perhaps I had made a mistake. Should I have chosen Sara, woman?" Sesshoumaru retorted. "Would you rather have stayed where you were before?"
"No…" Kagura sadly said.
They both stayed silent for most the night, basking in the serene moonlight. Kagura suddenly inquired as she rested her head on his shoulder. "Why did you chose this life, Sesshoumaru?"
"This life?"
"To be a great warlord…"
Sesshoumaru shifted his gaze to the crescent moon. "There was no choice. I was simply born, and this is what I am. I am obligated to fulfill my duties as the Warlord of the Western Land."
"Tell me, if you could, would you have chosen differently?"
"There is was no other option, nor would I have chosen otherwise."
"Did you know I would be unhappy. Did you know that you, our children, and my responsibility is killing me softly?"
Sesshoumaru turns to face her. "Faintly." He barely gives a slight smile. "As you continue to tell our children tales of the wind sorceress and her quest for freedom."
Sesshoumaru couldn't see her eyes, covered by her bangs, he couldn't tell if she was crying. Kagura softly spoke. "Her passion for freedom, which had burned so brightly, is now just barely a candle's flicker…against the wind…"
"We all find our freedom someday. Tomorrow or fifty years from now, it doesn't really matter."
That night, with an unprotesting Kagura, she danced for him and gave him her sad smiles.
The end.
Review please! Any suggestions I would gladly appreciate.