DISCLAIMER: What's the purpose of this tradition, really? To keep us
humble? I admit it freely: I don't own Saiyuki. Consider my tou koued. To
remind us not to sell to each other for money? Hey, all I'm looking for is
a nice review. Or, you know, however many you nice people feel like... um.
Yeah. Please? (hopeful smile)
Notes: Now that Word is finally installed on my new machine and I don 't have to use bloody Simpletext to upload with anymore, hopefully things will go more smoothly. Or, well, considering the number of projects I'm slogging over, possibly not. But you never know.
Review responses below.
WARNINGS: spackle or AU fic, as you like. There will be hormones flying -everywhere,- and even I don't know where they're all going to end up, or what the rating will end up being. Er, and this is also the Fic Where Nightfall Tries To Get Over Her Dislike of Foul Language. If it's too much, I apologize.
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In Hir Wicked Style
by Nightfall
Part seven: Sanzo
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The last meal of the day was supposed to be routine. Sanzo was very clear about that. It was meant to be a period of relaxation and freedom of extraneous thought, to fill the belly and clear the mind and make way for sleep. It was of course impossible to manage true relaxation around his tagalongs, but he could usually manage routine.
He'd even managed to get to the point where he could integrate their nonsense into his daily routine. Read the paper with a monkey sprawled out next to him, to the background of Hakkai puttering with the wok and the steamer and sometimes trying to hum on those days when the idiot felt it necessary to pretend he didn't care who the other idiot was out doing. Employ the Fishing Bear technique to acquire food before the nightly melee got started. Lever food into mouth with chopsticks while humoring Hakkai's latest doomed attempt to have an actual discussion like civilized people. Hone his rage over the squabbling imbeciles with no appreciation for either silence or cultured conversation. When finished eating, knock heads together and leave.
Dinner was sometimes instructive, often a grim endurance and, on glorious, infrequent occasions, blissfully quiet.
Two of the morons were making an unheard-of racket in the inn's kitchen, and the other four were plastered all around the doorframe with eight huge eyes. He wasn't displeased that no one was walking on eggshells anymore, although he didn't fool himself that it was a permanent state of comfort. The running commentary that Gojyo and his echo had going was, he had to admit, entertaining.
But it was a little unsettling to hear Hakkai raise his voice.
"Forgive me, Cho-san, but the mushrooms should not be soaked for longer than an hour."
"But Cho-san, the stalks will still be hard."
"Yes, and so one removes them."
"It isn't necessary. We can leave them for longer and---Gonou!- You've chopped the meat too fine!"
"Sanzo prefers a filling to be a paste; we can make a stew tomorrow, if you like." This was Dogmatic Voice, cross pedantry hovering on the edge of danger. Over fucking dumplings. Hakkai was so far off his game the only reason Sanzo could think of for Gojyo to have left him alone with her was for the purpose of keeping out of the crossfire. "And in any case, the stalks have a woody flavor, and the texture is coarse. Baozi should be more delicate."
"They aren't jiaozi; it isn't a rice paste. The dough will overpower the filling if you do it that way."
"Certainly it will, if that's all the ginger you plan to---Kanan!- What are you doing to those prawns?"
"Do you want me to put them in the soup with their shells on?"
"I don't want you to make soup with them at all! We agreed to make them coral-and-jade, with the two-color chili."
"Yes, but we have too many."
"Too many for eight people? Two of whom are Goku?"
"Her name is -Kaikara,- Gonou, and there's the question of time constraints! How late do you think she'll wait to eat?"
"It isn't necessary to coat each individual prawn one by one, Kanan!"
"Of course it isn't, but I have small hands!"
Silence.
"Of course," Hakkai said after a moment, collected and friendly again. "In fact, Cho-san, I prefer a vigorous marinade than to impress the powder on directly. The flavor becomes more infused than obtrusive, and since time is a consideration..."
After the unrestrained exasperation, his usual gentle, restrained tone sounded choked. It hurt to hear.
"Gin," Sanzo's reflection said coolly.
"Don't bother," he said without heat, putting his cards down. She shrugged and did the same, abandoning the pretense of not listening.
"Sanzo," Goku asked, wide-eyed, "Is food really that complicated?"
"Nope," Gojyo said, grinning.
Two courteous voices twined out of the kitchen. "In that case, Gojyo(-san), perhaps you would care to join us?"
"Not a chance," he called back cheerfully, raising his hands protectively with a backing-off face. "You two go ahead and kill each other, I'm staying out of it."
There was another, awful silence from the kitchen, but Gojyo looked lazily, sharply unrepentant.
Dumbass kappa, Sanzo groaned silently, what's he playing at? He looked into the chilly lavender eyes across the table from him. She had an evaluating eyebrow up. The hell with her. "Hakkai," he said, loudly but levelly, and enjoyed the way eight wary eyes turned to him. "If you're butchering in there, bring the wok out and we'll have a hot pot."
The silence turned incredulous, and then someone in the kitchen started to giggle. "Oh, no, Sanzo-san," she laughed, "I think I would prefer to be cooked in clay."
"Cho-san!" Hakkai admonished her cheerfully. "Are you a fish or a grouse?"
"Yeah, Kanan," Gojyo's echo leered. "That's no way for a woman to be eaten. Hey, Sanzo, maybe the blond dude's really a real monk!"
Two paper fans hit her right between the eyes, one after another, and boomeranged back to their owners. "Shut up," the reflection said, her voice weary with the enforced tolerance of long exposure.
"Yeah, slutroach," the she-monkey complained. "Virgin ears down here."
"Suuuuure they are, chibi-chibi," the woman clucked, ruffling the girl's brown hair.
"Who's a chibi, you water-lummox?!" the girl howled, and went at her.
"Take it outside, please," one of the cooks said firmly, and they obligingly angled off towards the door.
Goku had moved away from the door and draped himself over Sanzo's shoulder. He was jittering uneasily. "Sanzo? Hey, I said, Sanzo!"
"If you're going to ask the stupid question I know you're going to ask, don't waste my time," he warned.
"But Sanzo, can you really eat a woman?"
"Shut up!" he yelled at Gojyo, who had hurled himself down against the wall to howl with laughter, and threw the fan at him. "Bakasaru," he complained. "What do you think?"
"Well, that scorpion-youkai said she ate a Sanzo once, so maybe, but I don't think a person would taste very good."
This set Gojyo off again.
"DO YOU HAVE A DEATH WISH?" Sanzo bawled, and when that didn't work he shot the wall between the kappa's two cowlicks or antennae or whatever they hell they were.
"Sanzo!" Hakkai said sharply, appearing in the doorway. He had flour all over his arms and on his nose and cheek and in his hair, and he looked harassed. "Not at this wall, if you don't mind."
He'd never minded shots in his direction before. Sanzo hoped, without expecting much, that he'd get this protective nonsense worked out of his system soon. Very soon.
"Goku," Hakkai went on, "no one is cooking anyone. Will you and Gojyo please go and find us some more wood? And perhaps you would tell Hirahara- san," he added, still to Goku but giving Sanzo a meaningful look, "that we may need four extra place settings."
"Expecting company, 'Kai?" Gojyo drawled, peeling himself up off the floor agreeably.
"We'll see," Sanzo answered noncommittally.
Kanan frowned, and gave her brother one of the Explain That Now If You Want To Live looks that Sanzo had thought he himself had a patent out on. She did give it a more polite spin than he usually bothered with. "Why would we need more?"
"Because Goku has been outside this door until just now," Hakkai explained, "and Kaikara-chan as well."
Kanan and Honshin looked as mystified by this as the blonde across from him was refusing to. "Would this be," Kanan asked politely, "the kind of company that steals strips of pork and pieces of mushroom and entire prawns? I thought you were eating them."
The monocle flashed gold in the light from the window, but Hakkai didn't speak. It was a real pleasure, Sanzo thought with serene vindictiveness, to see him on -both- ends of that pleasant Who Me Irked look.
"Four places, Hakkai?" Goku asked excitedly. "Sanzo, can we play with them after dinner?"
"Don't be so eager, monkey," Sanzo growled.
"Yes, Goku," Hakkai agreed. "I think most of us have had enough playtime for one day. Don't you think so, Sanzo?"
"You use a lot of air," Sanzo drawled, "on what goes without saying."
"Care to fill us in?" the blonde asked irritably.
"Ch," he snorted, pulling out a cigarette and lighting it. "Figure it out yourself."
"And in order to encourage these thieves to become our guests," Kanan pressed, "you decided to very sweetly save them trouble by throwing perfectly good food out the window?"
"I preferred to make the selection myself, yes," he smiled back implacably.
"You're just trying to steal Sanzo's girlfriend," Gojyo smirked.
"Shut up," Sanzo sighed wearily. The blonde had both eyebrows up at him now. Terrific.
"Yes, Gojyo," Hakkai said slyly, "I must say, not everyone has your fondness for, er, younger women."
"Che!" Gojyo exclaimed, throwing his hands up. "Isn't anybody going to let me forget that ever?"
"No," the other men chorused flatly, making Honshin snicker. "In your dreams, lolikappa," Goku added, grinning nastily.
Gojyo shot the other redhead an irritated look, and complained, "It's not like I even did anything! Just because hollow-legs here has a filthy mind for such a tiny little monkey..."
"-Who's- got a filthy mind?" Goku choked.
"-Wood,- Gojyo," Hakkai reminded him firmly.
"Anytime for you, babe," Gojyo shot back, and was met by a dead silence. Catching up with himself, he choked.
It had sounded so automatic, though, that Sanzo decided to be merciful and stop at a Look. He wasn't alone in it, though.
"Am I meant to ask you, Gojyo, I wonder," Hakkai mused aloud in his sweetest Someone Will Die Momentarily voice, "whether you meant to say that out loud, or--"
"Autopilot," Gojyo blurted hastily. "No offense, O-hime-sama. Not trying to steal your m--eh. Ah... hah. Iya. I mean, just a reflex, yaknow? So! Firewood and place settings, right? Come on, gakisaru."
"I'm not an ape!"
"Oh, so you admit you're a brat, then?"
"Listen, ecchiyarou..."
And they were gone.
"Ch'," the blonde huffed disdainfully. "And they say women talk too much."
"Ah, well, Sanzo-san," Hakkai said cheerfully, although he was still glaring daggers at the door, as he had been since that 'steal your man' gaffe and it's attendant stammers. Sanzo had to admire the way he managed to differentiate between the two priests and still weasel out of pissing anyone off by being too respectful. "'They' can be misleading at times, it seems," he finished on his way back into the kitchen.
"Was your real brother that impossible?" she asked Kanan, glaring after him.
"Oh, no," the girl said, clasping her hands together in some distress. It was just a good thing Gojyo had left already, Sanzo thought, smirking deadpan, or he would have been hitting on her out of 'automatic reflex.' "Gonou was really very sweet, he--"
CRASH.
"Sumimasen!" Kanan gasped, and spun back into the kitchen.
The conversation that followed went, as Sanzo heard it, like this.
"YA-HO!"
"Gonou, who on -earth---"
"Hey, there's two of you! Are you one of Sanzo's guys, too?"
"Ara... I suppose you could say that, yes--"
"Then Lilin-chan will kill you both!"
CRASH BANG THUD
"Oh, dear--ne, Lilin-chan, don't bump into the stove please."
THUMP
"Ow!"
"My apologies, Lilin-chan, but I did warn you..."
Sanzo rose with dignity and moved to the kitchen before anyone could catch him smirking. Inside, Hakkai looked up with surprise from the wok. "Is something the matter, Sanzo?"
"You tell me," he retorted, looking down at the catfight on the floor.
"Ah," Hakkai said in his I Will Not Laugh voice. "Miss Lilin seemed to think that the rice stick would make a good club to brain me with. Cho-san objected. I must admit to having some objections myself; it's quite a well- made rice stick."
"She's a little undignified for a you," he commented neutrally, meaning Kanan and ignoring Hakkai's little joke. The woman spared a moment from the scuffle to shoot him a cold look and nearly got kicked in the chest before bringing her attention back where it belonged.
"I admire people who are able to move without breaking," Hakkai said mildly.
Sanzo hated it when he did that, when he cracked one of those self- deprecating compliments that was aimed right at Sanzo. Ordinary insults were irritating enough, but you couldn't argue with a bank shot. But at least it meant Hakkai had stopped panicking for the moment, which was a relief. Hakkai got high-strung and difficult to manage when he was panicky. Ordinary snippiness could be tolerated, so Sanzo just said, "Any sign of the others?"
"Not yet," Hakkai said. "Lilin-chan, does your brother know that you came to visit?"
"Hn-nh," she grunted cheerfully, shaking her coppery head with a jangle of bells from her ponytail holder. Then her feet were coming at Sanzo's head very fast, because Kanan had flipped her. He stepped out of the way before realizing she was headed for the steamer, and stretched out a hand to interrupt her trajectory. Hakkai was there in the next moment with a cup of tea, spinning her into a stool with his free hand. She looked at the tea and, in a voice so perky it made Sanzo's head throb, demanded, "Did you poison it?"
Picking herself up, Kanan looked ready to pitch a cold fit at the insult to her brother. Hakkai only smiled, though, and said gently, "Do I remind you of Yaone-san, Lilin-chan? How flattering! But we don't fight in the same style."
"Oh," she said, sounding disappointed, and then, "I receive your sacrifice!" to the tea, and drank it.
Hakkai refilled her cup and draped himself over the counter next to her. He exchanged a look with his sister that cooled her down and sent her to the sink to do vicious and arcane things to a head of cabbage. "Tell me, Lilin-chan, do you really think it's kind of you to run away from your oniisan all the time? He must be very concerned."
"Oniichan always worries about everything," she said dismissively, swinging her ankles. "And Lilin-chan doesn't run away! I came to defeat you Sanzo- guys, 'cause I'm stronger than him."
"Nobody's defeating anybody today," Sanzo said flatly.
"Certainly not," Hakkai backed him up. "Speaking for my friends and I, Lilin-chan, we've had enough fighting for one day, and I think your oniisan has as well. If you would like to go play with Goku and his friend Kaikara- chan, please go outside first and we'll call you in time to wash up before dinner. Would that be all right?"
"Can I defeat her?" she asked brightly, pointing at Kanan. "She's -strong!- "
"No, I don't think so," Hakkai said with painstakingly diplomatic vagueness. "She and I are cooking together."
Lilin considered this. "Cooking for dinner?" she asked. "For dinner for Lilin-chan?"
"You're certainly welcome to join us," Hakkai smiled, ignoring the evil-eye his sister was shooting him out of her own placid countenance.
"However, you'll have to behave," Sanzo said sharply. "Refer to yourself in the third-person again and I'll shoot you."
"Sanzo!" Hakkai said, just as sharply, as Kanan collapsed in giggles.
"Fine," he grumbled. Hakkai did have a point; someone would come after her no matter how well he hid the body. "Just the ponytail, then."
Hakkai rolled his eyes and ignored them both. "Of course, your brother and his friends are also welcome."
"And they, too, will get shot if they act twee," he added, mostly to see if he could make Kanan turn blue. It was probably exhaustion. Mostly. That bitch in the other room also had his back up.
"Waiiiiiii!" Lilin squealed, not to Sanzo. "I'll go tell him!"
"Why bother?" he sighed. "He'll show up."
"Most likely," Hakkai agreed sympathetically, every contained line of his nonexpression sniggering how very sorry it was that the world existed to inconvenience Sanzo. "You may as well wait here, Lilin-chan."
"Only not just here, Gonou," Kanan said pleasantly, venomous with alarm. She recovered fast, which was not a surprise.
"No," Sanzo agreed. He picked Lilin up by the scruff of her neck and the back of her pants, walked out of the kitchen, ejected her from the inn without passion, and sat back down at the table with the others. He no longer cared whether Hakkai was shaky, deliberately annoying people to relieve his feelings, or being his usual slinking, weasely self for some obscure purpose Sanzo would already have known about if he hadn't been busy paying attention to other people. Either way, dinner was going to be an unpleasant affair. He wasn't going to be able to digest -anything.-
It wasn't that the missed Chang'An, or the temple. He certainly didn't miss those priggish lip-service monks with the sticks up their asses who'd rather sniff disdainfully at a little boy's rowdy behavior than just tell him what wasn't acceptable in language he could understand. He did though, just sometimes, regret leaving behind a cook who not only understood his stomach but was also afraid of him, and who would never have dreamed of giving him chili instead of milk in the middle of a crisis.
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OMAKE!
'The SEME at the End of this Fic'
-starring lovable, placid old HAKKAI
and adorably vague but considerably older TENPOU.-
--------------------
Tenpou: Goku, you're looking very well! You've grown up a lot, and you barely look starved at all anymore. Konzen must be taking very good care of you.
Goku: But I'm hungry aaaaaall the tiiiiiime, Ten-chan! In fact, I'm hungry right now. Hakkai, haraheta!
Hakkai: Well, I did offer you that yakisoba, Goku, but I suppose it would be impolite to make you fight your friend for it. --.--
Goku: (blinks) Huh? But don't we fight Kougaiji and Yaone and Lilin and that erokappa's brother all the time? Aren't they our friends?
Hakkai: Ano... something like that...
Goku: So there's no problem! Come on, Ten-chan, let's fight, and then Hakkai will make us yakisoba!
Tenpou: o.O
[end part seven]
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Review responses!
Stitcher2ficcer, thank you for continuing to crack me up, and also for helping me to maintain a healthy ego. ;-) It's a tentative relaxation, though, don't worry. As you can see, things aren't -that- easy.
Devera, don't feel like a dummy. I'm frankly grateful that it's comprehensible after the third reading, and more so that someone actually thinks it's worth the effort. I still need to work on the invisible subtext.... Don't worry about the exploding Kanan-creature, though; I already wrote Antimatter. (grins)
incandescens, it always bowls me over when you like something of mine. Thank you. (Although I think 'neat' may have been the wrong word for that chapter; it was a little clunky.)
Me-Nuriko: Gojyo's quickly getting to be the easiest Saiyuki character for me to write, with the possible exception of Doku. This bodes ill for my future as a 38 writer, I'm afraid. (is sad.) ;-)
DoSet, you do, you do! Gojyo is rapidly turning the color of Hakkai's shirt. Isn't he precious? (grins evilly) As for the smile, I don't think that gets explained. That's the problem with writing Gojyo; he picks up on stuff he doesn't understand. But between you and me and anyone who bothers to read these, our kappa has good reason for his change in skin tone. Does he need to worry? Not telling. Is Hakkai conflicted? Oh, baby. I tell you this only to give positive reinforcement to your habit of leaving lovely reviews; flatter will get you everywhere. :-)
Notes: Now that Word is finally installed on my new machine and I don 't have to use bloody Simpletext to upload with anymore, hopefully things will go more smoothly. Or, well, considering the number of projects I'm slogging over, possibly not. But you never know.
Review responses below.
WARNINGS: spackle or AU fic, as you like. There will be hormones flying -everywhere,- and even I don't know where they're all going to end up, or what the rating will end up being. Er, and this is also the Fic Where Nightfall Tries To Get Over Her Dislike of Foul Language. If it's too much, I apologize.
--------------------
In Hir Wicked Style
by Nightfall
Part seven: Sanzo
--------------------
The last meal of the day was supposed to be routine. Sanzo was very clear about that. It was meant to be a period of relaxation and freedom of extraneous thought, to fill the belly and clear the mind and make way for sleep. It was of course impossible to manage true relaxation around his tagalongs, but he could usually manage routine.
He'd even managed to get to the point where he could integrate their nonsense into his daily routine. Read the paper with a monkey sprawled out next to him, to the background of Hakkai puttering with the wok and the steamer and sometimes trying to hum on those days when the idiot felt it necessary to pretend he didn't care who the other idiot was out doing. Employ the Fishing Bear technique to acquire food before the nightly melee got started. Lever food into mouth with chopsticks while humoring Hakkai's latest doomed attempt to have an actual discussion like civilized people. Hone his rage over the squabbling imbeciles with no appreciation for either silence or cultured conversation. When finished eating, knock heads together and leave.
Dinner was sometimes instructive, often a grim endurance and, on glorious, infrequent occasions, blissfully quiet.
Two of the morons were making an unheard-of racket in the inn's kitchen, and the other four were plastered all around the doorframe with eight huge eyes. He wasn't displeased that no one was walking on eggshells anymore, although he didn't fool himself that it was a permanent state of comfort. The running commentary that Gojyo and his echo had going was, he had to admit, entertaining.
But it was a little unsettling to hear Hakkai raise his voice.
"Forgive me, Cho-san, but the mushrooms should not be soaked for longer than an hour."
"But Cho-san, the stalks will still be hard."
"Yes, and so one removes them."
"It isn't necessary. We can leave them for longer and---Gonou!- You've chopped the meat too fine!"
"Sanzo prefers a filling to be a paste; we can make a stew tomorrow, if you like." This was Dogmatic Voice, cross pedantry hovering on the edge of danger. Over fucking dumplings. Hakkai was so far off his game the only reason Sanzo could think of for Gojyo to have left him alone with her was for the purpose of keeping out of the crossfire. "And in any case, the stalks have a woody flavor, and the texture is coarse. Baozi should be more delicate."
"They aren't jiaozi; it isn't a rice paste. The dough will overpower the filling if you do it that way."
"Certainly it will, if that's all the ginger you plan to---Kanan!- What are you doing to those prawns?"
"Do you want me to put them in the soup with their shells on?"
"I don't want you to make soup with them at all! We agreed to make them coral-and-jade, with the two-color chili."
"Yes, but we have too many."
"Too many for eight people? Two of whom are Goku?"
"Her name is -Kaikara,- Gonou, and there's the question of time constraints! How late do you think she'll wait to eat?"
"It isn't necessary to coat each individual prawn one by one, Kanan!"
"Of course it isn't, but I have small hands!"
Silence.
"Of course," Hakkai said after a moment, collected and friendly again. "In fact, Cho-san, I prefer a vigorous marinade than to impress the powder on directly. The flavor becomes more infused than obtrusive, and since time is a consideration..."
After the unrestrained exasperation, his usual gentle, restrained tone sounded choked. It hurt to hear.
"Gin," Sanzo's reflection said coolly.
"Don't bother," he said without heat, putting his cards down. She shrugged and did the same, abandoning the pretense of not listening.
"Sanzo," Goku asked, wide-eyed, "Is food really that complicated?"
"Nope," Gojyo said, grinning.
Two courteous voices twined out of the kitchen. "In that case, Gojyo(-san), perhaps you would care to join us?"
"Not a chance," he called back cheerfully, raising his hands protectively with a backing-off face. "You two go ahead and kill each other, I'm staying out of it."
There was another, awful silence from the kitchen, but Gojyo looked lazily, sharply unrepentant.
Dumbass kappa, Sanzo groaned silently, what's he playing at? He looked into the chilly lavender eyes across the table from him. She had an evaluating eyebrow up. The hell with her. "Hakkai," he said, loudly but levelly, and enjoyed the way eight wary eyes turned to him. "If you're butchering in there, bring the wok out and we'll have a hot pot."
The silence turned incredulous, and then someone in the kitchen started to giggle. "Oh, no, Sanzo-san," she laughed, "I think I would prefer to be cooked in clay."
"Cho-san!" Hakkai admonished her cheerfully. "Are you a fish or a grouse?"
"Yeah, Kanan," Gojyo's echo leered. "That's no way for a woman to be eaten. Hey, Sanzo, maybe the blond dude's really a real monk!"
Two paper fans hit her right between the eyes, one after another, and boomeranged back to their owners. "Shut up," the reflection said, her voice weary with the enforced tolerance of long exposure.
"Yeah, slutroach," the she-monkey complained. "Virgin ears down here."
"Suuuuure they are, chibi-chibi," the woman clucked, ruffling the girl's brown hair.
"Who's a chibi, you water-lummox?!" the girl howled, and went at her.
"Take it outside, please," one of the cooks said firmly, and they obligingly angled off towards the door.
Goku had moved away from the door and draped himself over Sanzo's shoulder. He was jittering uneasily. "Sanzo? Hey, I said, Sanzo!"
"If you're going to ask the stupid question I know you're going to ask, don't waste my time," he warned.
"But Sanzo, can you really eat a woman?"
"Shut up!" he yelled at Gojyo, who had hurled himself down against the wall to howl with laughter, and threw the fan at him. "Bakasaru," he complained. "What do you think?"
"Well, that scorpion-youkai said she ate a Sanzo once, so maybe, but I don't think a person would taste very good."
This set Gojyo off again.
"DO YOU HAVE A DEATH WISH?" Sanzo bawled, and when that didn't work he shot the wall between the kappa's two cowlicks or antennae or whatever they hell they were.
"Sanzo!" Hakkai said sharply, appearing in the doorway. He had flour all over his arms and on his nose and cheek and in his hair, and he looked harassed. "Not at this wall, if you don't mind."
He'd never minded shots in his direction before. Sanzo hoped, without expecting much, that he'd get this protective nonsense worked out of his system soon. Very soon.
"Goku," Hakkai went on, "no one is cooking anyone. Will you and Gojyo please go and find us some more wood? And perhaps you would tell Hirahara- san," he added, still to Goku but giving Sanzo a meaningful look, "that we may need four extra place settings."
"Expecting company, 'Kai?" Gojyo drawled, peeling himself up off the floor agreeably.
"We'll see," Sanzo answered noncommittally.
Kanan frowned, and gave her brother one of the Explain That Now If You Want To Live looks that Sanzo had thought he himself had a patent out on. She did give it a more polite spin than he usually bothered with. "Why would we need more?"
"Because Goku has been outside this door until just now," Hakkai explained, "and Kaikara-chan as well."
Kanan and Honshin looked as mystified by this as the blonde across from him was refusing to. "Would this be," Kanan asked politely, "the kind of company that steals strips of pork and pieces of mushroom and entire prawns? I thought you were eating them."
The monocle flashed gold in the light from the window, but Hakkai didn't speak. It was a real pleasure, Sanzo thought with serene vindictiveness, to see him on -both- ends of that pleasant Who Me Irked look.
"Four places, Hakkai?" Goku asked excitedly. "Sanzo, can we play with them after dinner?"
"Don't be so eager, monkey," Sanzo growled.
"Yes, Goku," Hakkai agreed. "I think most of us have had enough playtime for one day. Don't you think so, Sanzo?"
"You use a lot of air," Sanzo drawled, "on what goes without saying."
"Care to fill us in?" the blonde asked irritably.
"Ch," he snorted, pulling out a cigarette and lighting it. "Figure it out yourself."
"And in order to encourage these thieves to become our guests," Kanan pressed, "you decided to very sweetly save them trouble by throwing perfectly good food out the window?"
"I preferred to make the selection myself, yes," he smiled back implacably.
"You're just trying to steal Sanzo's girlfriend," Gojyo smirked.
"Shut up," Sanzo sighed wearily. The blonde had both eyebrows up at him now. Terrific.
"Yes, Gojyo," Hakkai said slyly, "I must say, not everyone has your fondness for, er, younger women."
"Che!" Gojyo exclaimed, throwing his hands up. "Isn't anybody going to let me forget that ever?"
"No," the other men chorused flatly, making Honshin snicker. "In your dreams, lolikappa," Goku added, grinning nastily.
Gojyo shot the other redhead an irritated look, and complained, "It's not like I even did anything! Just because hollow-legs here has a filthy mind for such a tiny little monkey..."
"-Who's- got a filthy mind?" Goku choked.
"-Wood,- Gojyo," Hakkai reminded him firmly.
"Anytime for you, babe," Gojyo shot back, and was met by a dead silence. Catching up with himself, he choked.
It had sounded so automatic, though, that Sanzo decided to be merciful and stop at a Look. He wasn't alone in it, though.
"Am I meant to ask you, Gojyo, I wonder," Hakkai mused aloud in his sweetest Someone Will Die Momentarily voice, "whether you meant to say that out loud, or--"
"Autopilot," Gojyo blurted hastily. "No offense, O-hime-sama. Not trying to steal your m--eh. Ah... hah. Iya. I mean, just a reflex, yaknow? So! Firewood and place settings, right? Come on, gakisaru."
"I'm not an ape!"
"Oh, so you admit you're a brat, then?"
"Listen, ecchiyarou..."
And they were gone.
"Ch'," the blonde huffed disdainfully. "And they say women talk too much."
"Ah, well, Sanzo-san," Hakkai said cheerfully, although he was still glaring daggers at the door, as he had been since that 'steal your man' gaffe and it's attendant stammers. Sanzo had to admire the way he managed to differentiate between the two priests and still weasel out of pissing anyone off by being too respectful. "'They' can be misleading at times, it seems," he finished on his way back into the kitchen.
"Was your real brother that impossible?" she asked Kanan, glaring after him.
"Oh, no," the girl said, clasping her hands together in some distress. It was just a good thing Gojyo had left already, Sanzo thought, smirking deadpan, or he would have been hitting on her out of 'automatic reflex.' "Gonou was really very sweet, he--"
CRASH.
"Sumimasen!" Kanan gasped, and spun back into the kitchen.
The conversation that followed went, as Sanzo heard it, like this.
"YA-HO!"
"Gonou, who on -earth---"
"Hey, there's two of you! Are you one of Sanzo's guys, too?"
"Ara... I suppose you could say that, yes--"
"Then Lilin-chan will kill you both!"
CRASH BANG THUD
"Oh, dear--ne, Lilin-chan, don't bump into the stove please."
THUMP
"Ow!"
"My apologies, Lilin-chan, but I did warn you..."
Sanzo rose with dignity and moved to the kitchen before anyone could catch him smirking. Inside, Hakkai looked up with surprise from the wok. "Is something the matter, Sanzo?"
"You tell me," he retorted, looking down at the catfight on the floor.
"Ah," Hakkai said in his I Will Not Laugh voice. "Miss Lilin seemed to think that the rice stick would make a good club to brain me with. Cho-san objected. I must admit to having some objections myself; it's quite a well- made rice stick."
"She's a little undignified for a you," he commented neutrally, meaning Kanan and ignoring Hakkai's little joke. The woman spared a moment from the scuffle to shoot him a cold look and nearly got kicked in the chest before bringing her attention back where it belonged.
"I admire people who are able to move without breaking," Hakkai said mildly.
Sanzo hated it when he did that, when he cracked one of those self- deprecating compliments that was aimed right at Sanzo. Ordinary insults were irritating enough, but you couldn't argue with a bank shot. But at least it meant Hakkai had stopped panicking for the moment, which was a relief. Hakkai got high-strung and difficult to manage when he was panicky. Ordinary snippiness could be tolerated, so Sanzo just said, "Any sign of the others?"
"Not yet," Hakkai said. "Lilin-chan, does your brother know that you came to visit?"
"Hn-nh," she grunted cheerfully, shaking her coppery head with a jangle of bells from her ponytail holder. Then her feet were coming at Sanzo's head very fast, because Kanan had flipped her. He stepped out of the way before realizing she was headed for the steamer, and stretched out a hand to interrupt her trajectory. Hakkai was there in the next moment with a cup of tea, spinning her into a stool with his free hand. She looked at the tea and, in a voice so perky it made Sanzo's head throb, demanded, "Did you poison it?"
Picking herself up, Kanan looked ready to pitch a cold fit at the insult to her brother. Hakkai only smiled, though, and said gently, "Do I remind you of Yaone-san, Lilin-chan? How flattering! But we don't fight in the same style."
"Oh," she said, sounding disappointed, and then, "I receive your sacrifice!" to the tea, and drank it.
Hakkai refilled her cup and draped himself over the counter next to her. He exchanged a look with his sister that cooled her down and sent her to the sink to do vicious and arcane things to a head of cabbage. "Tell me, Lilin-chan, do you really think it's kind of you to run away from your oniisan all the time? He must be very concerned."
"Oniichan always worries about everything," she said dismissively, swinging her ankles. "And Lilin-chan doesn't run away! I came to defeat you Sanzo- guys, 'cause I'm stronger than him."
"Nobody's defeating anybody today," Sanzo said flatly.
"Certainly not," Hakkai backed him up. "Speaking for my friends and I, Lilin-chan, we've had enough fighting for one day, and I think your oniisan has as well. If you would like to go play with Goku and his friend Kaikara- chan, please go outside first and we'll call you in time to wash up before dinner. Would that be all right?"
"Can I defeat her?" she asked brightly, pointing at Kanan. "She's -strong!- "
"No, I don't think so," Hakkai said with painstakingly diplomatic vagueness. "She and I are cooking together."
Lilin considered this. "Cooking for dinner?" she asked. "For dinner for Lilin-chan?"
"You're certainly welcome to join us," Hakkai smiled, ignoring the evil-eye his sister was shooting him out of her own placid countenance.
"However, you'll have to behave," Sanzo said sharply. "Refer to yourself in the third-person again and I'll shoot you."
"Sanzo!" Hakkai said, just as sharply, as Kanan collapsed in giggles.
"Fine," he grumbled. Hakkai did have a point; someone would come after her no matter how well he hid the body. "Just the ponytail, then."
Hakkai rolled his eyes and ignored them both. "Of course, your brother and his friends are also welcome."
"And they, too, will get shot if they act twee," he added, mostly to see if he could make Kanan turn blue. It was probably exhaustion. Mostly. That bitch in the other room also had his back up.
"Waiiiiiii!" Lilin squealed, not to Sanzo. "I'll go tell him!"
"Why bother?" he sighed. "He'll show up."
"Most likely," Hakkai agreed sympathetically, every contained line of his nonexpression sniggering how very sorry it was that the world existed to inconvenience Sanzo. "You may as well wait here, Lilin-chan."
"Only not just here, Gonou," Kanan said pleasantly, venomous with alarm. She recovered fast, which was not a surprise.
"No," Sanzo agreed. He picked Lilin up by the scruff of her neck and the back of her pants, walked out of the kitchen, ejected her from the inn without passion, and sat back down at the table with the others. He no longer cared whether Hakkai was shaky, deliberately annoying people to relieve his feelings, or being his usual slinking, weasely self for some obscure purpose Sanzo would already have known about if he hadn't been busy paying attention to other people. Either way, dinner was going to be an unpleasant affair. He wasn't going to be able to digest -anything.-
It wasn't that the missed Chang'An, or the temple. He certainly didn't miss those priggish lip-service monks with the sticks up their asses who'd rather sniff disdainfully at a little boy's rowdy behavior than just tell him what wasn't acceptable in language he could understand. He did though, just sometimes, regret leaving behind a cook who not only understood his stomach but was also afraid of him, and who would never have dreamed of giving him chili instead of milk in the middle of a crisis.
--------------------
OMAKE!
'The SEME at the End of this Fic'
-starring lovable, placid old HAKKAI
and adorably vague but considerably older TENPOU.-
--------------------
Tenpou: Goku, you're looking very well! You've grown up a lot, and you barely look starved at all anymore. Konzen must be taking very good care of you.
Goku: But I'm hungry aaaaaall the tiiiiiime, Ten-chan! In fact, I'm hungry right now. Hakkai, haraheta!
Hakkai: Well, I did offer you that yakisoba, Goku, but I suppose it would be impolite to make you fight your friend for it. --.--
Goku: (blinks) Huh? But don't we fight Kougaiji and Yaone and Lilin and that erokappa's brother all the time? Aren't they our friends?
Hakkai: Ano... something like that...
Goku: So there's no problem! Come on, Ten-chan, let's fight, and then Hakkai will make us yakisoba!
Tenpou: o.O
[end part seven]
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Review responses!
Stitcher2ficcer, thank you for continuing to crack me up, and also for helping me to maintain a healthy ego. ;-) It's a tentative relaxation, though, don't worry. As you can see, things aren't -that- easy.
Devera, don't feel like a dummy. I'm frankly grateful that it's comprehensible after the third reading, and more so that someone actually thinks it's worth the effort. I still need to work on the invisible subtext.... Don't worry about the exploding Kanan-creature, though; I already wrote Antimatter. (grins)
incandescens, it always bowls me over when you like something of mine. Thank you. (Although I think 'neat' may have been the wrong word for that chapter; it was a little clunky.)
Me-Nuriko: Gojyo's quickly getting to be the easiest Saiyuki character for me to write, with the possible exception of Doku. This bodes ill for my future as a 38 writer, I'm afraid. (is sad.) ;-)
DoSet, you do, you do! Gojyo is rapidly turning the color of Hakkai's shirt. Isn't he precious? (grins evilly) As for the smile, I don't think that gets explained. That's the problem with writing Gojyo; he picks up on stuff he doesn't understand. But between you and me and anyone who bothers to read these, our kappa has good reason for his change in skin tone. Does he need to worry? Not telling. Is Hakkai conflicted? Oh, baby. I tell you this only to give positive reinforcement to your habit of leaving lovely reviews; flatter will get you everywhere. :-)