Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter, Draco Malfoy, the Sorting Hat, Hogwarts, etc...
A/N: Plot bunny just wouldn't die... I actually wrote this because my friend Jen and I were discussing what would happen if someone tried to bribe the Sorting Hat. This is what came out.
Bribery
Draco Malfoy smirked slightly as the Sorting Hat came down over his ears to settle firmly on the bridge of his nose. He jerked back a bit, startled when a soft voice began murmuring into his ear.
Hello, Draco, the voice told him.
How do you know my name? Draco frantically thought back. And who's talking?
A funny sound, like a snorting laugh, sounded. I suppose your parents never told you exactly what would be expected of you when you got here.
Well, uh, not really, Draco admitted. But I do know that if I don't get into Slytherin, there'll be hell to pay. So you'd better Sort me into that House, got that, Hat?
Weelll… the Hat stalled. What's in it for me? it finally asked bluntly.
Draco blinked, surprised, in the darkness of the Hat. I don't get it.
Quick little mind like yours, you'd fit quite well into Ravenclaw. You've got arrogance enough to match Salazar's himself. You're rather brave, so you could just as well go into Gryffindor as any of the other houses… So, I guess it'll just have to be HUFF—
No! Draco hissed. Shut up! If you finish that House name, I swear that I'll rip you off of my head right this minute and tear you to pieces with my bare hands!
Sheesh, the Hat grumbled. Can't ickle Drakey take a joke? Evidently not. I wasn't even saying aloud, moron, in case you didn't notice. But I'll say it aloud if you can't come up with a satisfactory answer to my question.
What question was that? Draco asked, a bit idiotically.
What's in it for me, you great tow-headed git!
Hey! I'll have you know that this color is a rarity, found only in the pureblooded Malfoy family! Draco thought angrily. Of which I am the last, he added, almost as an afterthought.
Oh, joy, then I won't have to deal with anymore of you until you impregnate some girl, then, the Hat thought back sarcastically.
A flush skidded up Malfoy's pale face. I wouldn't think of it, he thought embarrassedly.
The Hat delicately changed the subject. So, small fry… what's my take? What do I get for sending you into Slytherin?
Draco thought a bit. Well, Potter'd be going into Gryffindor, right? So Slytherin is their arch-rival, so I guess I could give you a really good Quidditch game.
That funny snorting laugh sounded again. I have no eyes, so what's the point of your offering a Quidditch game?
Uh… Draco's thoughts raced as he tried to come up with a reasonable offer. I… I'll sew up your tatters for you! He inwardly cringed, despising himself at that moment. No matter, he told himself within the dark recesses of his mind that the Hat couldn't get to. I'll have Dobby do it.
The darkness inside the Hat brightened a bit. Would you? Would you really Hat asked almost eagerly.
Uhhh… sure, Draco lied.
The Hat pondered this for a moment or two. Then the seam opened up and the Hat shouted…
"EXPELLED!"
-Author's Notes-
Oooh, shocker... Bet no one saw that coming. Haha, obviously this is not following canon. Lesson: don't try to bribe the Sorting Hat. Read and review, please -- if you review, maybe Tom Felton glomp? Blessed be, Luna