Oh, and if there are any spelling errors, BLAME IT ON THAT &$$ QUICKEDIT! It's sticking words together where they're not supposed to be. If I missed any, sorry.
GOMENASAI! I totally forgot ALL about the reviews last chapter!
A Troll – Uh, to tell you the truth, the wandless magic is more of a hindrance than a help. Example one: Arty uses a wandless Petrificus Totalus spell and it freezes everyone and everything in the vicinity including himself. Example two: Same as one, but Arty can move. Example three: The spell takes effect on everything but the target. Example four: the spell only affects him. So Arty will be sticking to wands.
Loonygrl90 – I'm fine, don't worry
MuggleBuddy – Arigato.
Kiharu-sama – Aah, an anime fan. I'm biased towards Fruits Basket and Yu Yu Hakusho, myself. ;)
And to all the rest of you reviewers, thanks so much for reviewing (bows).
And to all who've read Fruits Basket and know who Akito is, sorry, but I've been reading it a bit too much, so there'll probably be some similarities between Arty and Akito. And this chapter is a slight crossover for those who read Fruits Basket – Theodore Nott and Haru are quite alike…sorry.
Half a cookie to all of you who guessed Ollivander, and the remaining half to me, since nobody guessed it was going to be Neville Longbottom.
Chapter Three: The Third Floor
Artemis woke up and blinked. He was surrounded by pure white on all sides. For a moment, his head was invaded by a highly irrational thought: Artemis, you're dead, you've gone to heaven, and you've just woken up to enjoy it. But then his cold, rational side took over. No, I'm not dead; I'm probably just in a hospital of some sort. If I'd died, I'd be in hell, not heaven. Obvious, really.
Once his vision had cleared, Artemis took stock of his new surroundings. He was lying on a hospital bed in between two others. Opposite him, on a wall, was a bronze plaque. Emblazoned on it were the words:
'Long-Lasting' Serene Stimpson Ward
Potion and Plant Poisoning
St Mungo's Hospital for Magical Maladies and Injuries
Ah. A magical hospital then.
"Hi," said a boy on his right side. Artemis immediately shifted himself away from the boy, whose skin was a terrible shade of lime green. As Artemis looked on in fascination and disgust, the lime green changed colour to deep green, and then to light green. The boy himself had a plump, forgetful-looking face and wore a welcoming smile. Even if the boy's teeth hadn't been mottled green, Artemis wouldn't have returned the greeting.
"I'm Neville Longbottom," the boy said. "Nice to meet you. What's your name?"
"Artemis Fowl the Second," Artemis muttered, resting his head in one hand. He could almost feel a fever coming on. "What happened to you – Neville?"
"Well, I was trying to brew a potion – I've been practicing so I can up my Potions grade a couple of notches – and it blew up in my face for some reason. I woke up the day before yesterday – that was when you came in. You looked like you were having a fit or something." Neville seemed out of breath from his little speech. "So, what happened to you?"
"I had a bad reaction to – a potion ingredient," Artemis improvised.
Neville nodded, evidently having swallowed the lie. "So did Blaise Zabini. She's in the bed over there. What time's it anyway?"
"Ten-twenty. Why?"
"Better wake her up. Healer Snape wants us all awake by ten-thirty to take our respective medicine. She's a real tyrant, that one." Neville hopped out of bed and crossed the room to Blaise's bed, where the hangings were drawn. With more energy than Artemis would have presumed possible, Neville flung them open. "Rise and shine, Zabini!"
"LONGBOTTOM!" Blaise's screech rang in Artemis' ears. She had long brownish-blonde hair and teal-coloured eyes.
"Not so loud!" Neville said hastily. "Otherwise Healer Snape –"
The door banged open to reveal a haggard but mean-looking old woman with a beak-like nose.
"– might hear," Neville mumbled.
"HOW DARE YOU! You insolent little brats! Making a racket like a starting pistol right beside our most important wards where there are patients in greater need than you! DOES NOTHING PENETRATE THAT THICK SKULL OF YOURS, LONGBOTTOM?" Snape promptly rounded on Artemis. "AND YOU, FOWL! AWAKE I SEE! WHY DIDN'T YOU STOP THEM?"
Artemis' head was ringing with both Blaise's and Snape's yells.
"Shut up, you old hag!" Neville muttered loud enough for Artemis and Blaise to hear, a look of mixed anger and fear on his face. Unfortunately, it didn't quite escape Snape's ears.
"What was that, Longbottom?" Snape's voice was suddenly very dangerous. Neville gulped.
"I apologize," Blaise said smoothly, "if this idiot of a Longbottom here has caused any trouble. He was, you see, merely referring to my screeching like a banshee out of pure shock. He's just a moron, ma'am, I'll teach him."
Snape growled, but made no comment. As Artemis would later learn, Blaise was a practiced liar. "Fowl! You take your medicine – now!"
For someone raised on gourmet food, the vile concoction was almost too much to stomach. Nevertheless, Artemis choked down the sticky drink, trying to keep the disgust off his face. He suspected that the potion would hinder instead of help whatever illness he'd been diagnosed with – he felt very much like vomiting.
After much unwelcome (and unnecessary) fussing on Healer Snape's part, she finally left the room. As soon as the door clicked shut, Blaise jumped out of bed. "You should thank me, Longbottom. I saved your hide back there." She then noticed Artemis. "Oh, didn't see you there. Who're you?"
"Artemis Fowl the Second," Artemis replied calmly. Blaise scrutinized him before nodding.
"I'm Blaise. Slytherin house chess champion, Transfiguration class failure and distant cousin to many annoying brats."
"Nice to meet you too," Artemis said sarcastically.
"Yeah, and you. What school do you attend?"
"I'm a second year student at Hogwarts. Irish transfer."
"Oh. Muggle-born?"
"I beg your pardon?"
"Yup, you must be. You don't even know what Muggles are."
"Do enlighten me," Artemis said frostily. Blaise grinned.
"Man, you could be a Slytherin, if only you weren't Muggle-born. Still, it might be nice to have some new blood around here for a change."
Neville looked a bit put out at being excluded from the conversation, but suddenly smirked – not a pretty image on his plump face. "Zabini, don't go too far with Artemis. Nott's going to be so jealous."
Blaise scowled at Neville. "For your information, Longbottom, Theo is NOT my boyfriend!"
"Theodore Nott's a boy, and he's your friend, so he must be your boyfriend."
"Childish argument," Artemis said tiredly. For once, nobody paid attention to him.
"Oh yeah?" Blaise said innocently. "What about Hermione Granger, then?"
Now it was Neville's turn to go red. Blaise, it seemed, had won. Artemis changed the subject. "So, who's Theodore Nott? And Neville's apparent crush, Hermione Granger?"
Neville was a nasty shade of puce by now.
"OK," said Blaise. "Theo's my closest friend (don't smirk like that, Longbottom). Basically, he's bipolar and bleached his hair white this summer, for some reason. He's a bit eccentric."
"Nott," Neville said thoughtfully. "Isn't he Malfoy's best friend?"
"Used to be. Theo gets lost easily," Blaise explained. "So he needs written directions to all his classes. Malfoy played a prank on him once. Gave him directions to a forbidden third floor corridor. Theo says there was a three-headed dog behind it. It bit Theo's right arm off and scratched him everywhere else."
Neville winced. "Nasty thing."
"Yeah, well, Theo turned Dark on Malfoy."
Neville's eyes widened. "D-Dark? He turned to the Dark side?"
Artemis leaned forward to hear more of this.
"No, you moron. Theo's normally in eccentricity mode – I call it his Light personality. But when he's upset or hurt in some way, his anger manifests itself in Dark Theo. Theo hexed Malfoy beyond all recognition, and then decided to beat him up – Dark Theo's very violent, you see. Malfoy spent a week in the hospital wing. Mind you, he wasn't missed. Theo never forgave Malfoy."
"That sounds like a cheap soap opera to me," Artemis said vaguely, now focused on revising his Bashkir Maneuver.
Blaise and Neville stared blankly at him. "What does soap have to do with opera, and how is that related to Theo?"
Artemis sighed. "Never mind. Blaise. Earlier, you claimed to be the chess champion of Slytherin house?"
The girl brightened considerably. "Hell yeah! You up for a challenge?"
"Certainly."
Neville turned to Blaise. "Five Galleons to me if he wins."
"You're on."
Six moves later, Neville was happily pocketing five Galleons. Blaise shook Artemis' hand. "You're good – quite smart. Cunning strategy. I'd say you'll be in Slytherin."
"Ravenclaw," Neville countered. "He's not evil enough for Slytherin."
"Another five Galleons on that?"
"Sure."
The next hour was filled with Neville playing chess with Artemis (and losing badly), Blaise discussing the different classes and clubs, and Artemis taking in all the information and storing it away for later use. Neville was just losing to Artemis again when the door opened to reveal an old man with long white hair and a beard that was tucked into his belt. In his arms was a ratty, patched-up old hat. The old man was closely followed by McGonagall and the Butlers, Angeline Fowl behind them.
"Hello, Mr. Fowl."
"Morning, Professor Dumbledore!" Neville said brightly.
"Hi," Blaise muttered, by way of greeting.
"Is that your new girlfriend, Artemis?" Juliet enquired, pointing at Blaise.
That stopped everyone and everything dead. Neville recovered first.
"Yes!" he said quickly. "She IS Artemis' girlfriend!"
Artemis turned so fast he cricked his neck. "Ignore him, please. He's delirious and doesn't know what he's saying. He was just informing us, in fact, about a little escapade with Hermione Granger."
"WHAT?" Neville yelped.
Blaise concurred with a nod. "Neville here claims study time's a lot more enjoyable with Hermione around."
Neville stared, nonplussed.
"As enjoyable as all this is to watch," the one called Dumbledore said, "I have brought the Sorting Hat here for the purpose of placing Artemis in a House, as he will be unable to leave St. Mungo's until the end of the summer."
This did not sound pleasing to Artemis.
Dumbledore went over to Artemis' side and placed the Hat on his head. "I don't know if it'll sing for you. It's been reading smutty romance novels lately, you know…"
This earned stares from Blaise, and that was the last thing Artemis saw.
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"Hello," the Hat said.
"…Good morning," Artemis replied, still a bit confused as to the concept of a talking hat. The confusion evaporated, however, when the Hat spoke again.
"Let's see, cunning, ambition, perceptivity and intelligence. And a lot of intelligence. Maybe Ravenclaw? No, you're a bit too evil for that. But not that far gone, thank Merlin. You're not that tricky a customer. So you'll do well in SLYTHERIN! Have a nice day with your girlfriend."
"Hah!" Blaise exalted. "Pay up, Longbottom!"
Neville grumbled morosely as Artemis took off the Hat, glaring at it.
"And now, allow me to introduce Mr. Ollivander. I took the liberty of requesting his presence, and he has brought his entire stock in a Pouch of Unlimited Contents."
"Wow!" Neville said, momentarily distracted. "They're really rare! First edition!"
Another old man whom Artemis had not seen earlier came forward. He had silver hair and eyes, which scrutinized Artemis closely, making Artemis, for once in his life, feel embarrassed. He was holding a deep purple velvet pouch reverently, and removed a short stick from it.
Thus began a long search for Artemis' first wand.
"Holly and unicorn tail-hair, eight inches."
Artemis smiled inwardly, remembering the hot-tempered captain. He took the wand in one hand and concentrated.
The wand promptly exploded.
By twelve-thirty, Artemis had single-handedly destroyed the majority of Ollivander's stock. The man looked happy at having found a tricky customer, and yet dismayed at the fate of his wands. As it showed on his face, it looked quite odd. The others looked on interestedly – Dumbledore was heard to be muttering something about 'high power level'.
"Mahogany and phoenix feather?" Ollivander offered.
BANG!
"Ah, well. Never liked that one. How about this?"
BOOM!
"Hmm. Very tricky customer. Ah, here. One of my more unusual combinations. Cedar and dragon heartstring, thirteen inches."
"Try 'Elereous'," Blaise suggested.
Artemis took the wand. Encouraged by it not combusting upon his touch, he spoke the spell. "Elereous!"
A bluish-white spark ignited at the tip of his wand. It grew and multiplied into a shield of sorts. When it touched the bed, the – there was no other word for it – force field sliced right through it, leaving Artemis in a ball-shaped shield. As the shield completed itself, which took less than two seconds, Artemis found himself hovering in the middle of it.
"Interesting," Ollivander murmured softly. "Very interesting."
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(munches cookies). Well? Enjoy it?
Reviews, reviews, reviews, reviews, reviews, reviews, reviews, reviews, reviews, reviews, reviews, reviews, reviews, reviews, reviews, reviews, reviews, reviews, reviews, reviews, reviews … I think you get the gist, no?
Thank you very much (speaking with a Japanese accent).
-- You know who I am by now, correct?
Oh, and if there are any spelling errors, BLAME IT ON THAT &$$ QUICKEDIT! It's sticking words together where they're not supposed to be. If I missed any, sorry.